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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted in long term relationship

504 replies

Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 11:47

Hi, sorry for the long post but just felt like I need to vent as I’m struggling.
I had been with boyfriend on and off 4 years, very much on since January and seemed to finally be heading to a good place. I’ve been accused of “going on about things” in the past and I admit yes sometimes I have been a little impatient about moving forward but it always seemed like such a struggle for things to move forward and I would bring it up and he would always have a reason why now wasnt the right time or he wasn’t quite there yet.
He has disappeared in the past and we have worked things out. However a week past Monday he completely disappeared again, I remember we hadn’t spoke that much that day (long distance relationship) and at night I was trying to chat but he went quiet. I felt that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going quiet on me so later that night and the next morning I asked if we could talk etc but I haven’t heard from him since. I waited a few days and tried but nothing. It’s now been over a week and he’s gone. Has read my messages but no response.
So I assume we have broken up.
I don’t expect to get a message to officially end it and say goodbye and I know I need to move on but I just feel so rotten. I’m blaming myself and wish I hadn’t of “gone on” as he would put it but I only ever wanted is to finally get a secure place. I feel totally rubbish that in his eyes I am such a terrible person that he doesn’t even want to say a goodbye.

I want to just feel better and not go over in my head what I could or should of done differently. Sorry for the long post, I just feel lost.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/12/2020 20:48

Dumped by text http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3800477-Dumped-by-text

This is the thread I think you should read through - you'll get some solidarity, advice and laughs out of it. Especially when it gets to the bit where he came crawling back to try and suck her back in - like they all do! There was a subsequent thread from her too - she is a legend and I'm sure you are too Thanks

Lampan · 01/12/2020 20:53

Silence is the way to go here. Don’t let him have ANY clue about how you are feeling. If you get angry/nasty with him he will tell himself you are crazy. If you get sad he will tell himself you are needy etc etc
If you never reply he won’t know what you feel. Don’t give him the satisfaction.
There was a thread on here months ago called ‘dumped by text’ - read that for some inspo!

carlaCox · 01/12/2020 21:31

Just coming back on here to say that you should be prepared for him coming crawling back and you have to be strong! I took my ex back three times. Each time was more elaborate than the last, the last time he was practically crying on my doorstep to take him back. Later found out that he was cheating on me throughout the entirety of our relationship (including the three reconciliations). In hindsight I think he was definitely a narcissist, perhaps even sociopathic. It terrifies me to think I could have married him. Stay strong!

BetteTwoShoes · 01/12/2020 21:36

I haven’t read the full thread but...

Buy this. Read it. Use it.

seensome · 01/12/2020 21:49

Stay strong op and don't feel bad about not replying, he really doesn't deserve any more attention from you when he feels like it!
4 years on and off, enough is enough now time to put him in the past and find someone more stable.

profilechange · 01/12/2020 22:02

@Doingmyownheadin I'm going through exactly the same thing. It's breaking my heart. Just feel so numb and sad. I'm so angry too, why would you do this to someone you say you love? I want to not check my phone but keep doing it. He's not even read my messages today 😢

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 02/12/2020 08:48

Thanks everyone for the messages of supper and advice, I’m trying to take it all onboard.
Had a bit of a rubbish night, suppose I should be grateful that work is so busy right now so I have to force myself to concentrate as I don’t want to affect that.
I haven’t messaged him and I haven’t heard anymore from him. He’s not the type to chase so I can safely presume I won’t hear from him again. Time to try and move on I guess and try my hardest not to have a weak moment and message as it’s clear he doesn’t want what I want and I’ve spent a whole load of years hoping already!

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 02/12/2020 09:15

Exactly. Four years is too long to be with someone who has wanted to keep you at arms length. Keep posting here if you have moments of weakness. You will heal i promise xx

NotSorry · 02/12/2020 09:23

I've read your whole thread OP - stay strong and don't message him

Good luck for the future

TwentyViginti · 02/12/2020 09:29

The good thing is you now know for definite he only sees you as a possible future FWB. No more wasting years of your life hoping for more.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 02/12/2020 09:37

It just sucks that I miss him so much! Hard going from speaking every day to nothing. I don’t have any issues with people wanting FWB but I couldn’t do that with someone I was in love with, that would be total torture that I would bring on myself!
But the thought of him trying to find one at the minute does kill me a bit, that I’m sitting here heartbroken and suffering and he’s just going about his business as normal Sad
This is why I can’t message him, I don’t want him to see my upset and sad.

OP posts:
bangheadhere40 · 02/12/2020 09:40

I completely missed my guy too....we were in touch all day everyday. It's horrible knowing they couldn't really care less whilst you are there devastated. It made me question the whole reality of the situation....which to me was real feelings, for him it seems just something to do when he's bored!

You do right with the silence...

ree348 · 02/12/2020 09:51

So proud of you for not contacting him, that takes so much strength. Keep yourself busy and I hope you have a good day!

TwentyViginti · 02/12/2020 09:51

The speaking everyday was just him keeping you on the hook though. He had no intention of taking things further.

Big clue - he never allowed you to meet his friends and family in the 4 years.

TwentyViginti · 02/12/2020 09:53

He could any number of women on a similar string. It was a LDR wasn't it?

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 02/12/2020 10:07

It was long distance yes, about 2 hours drive. He could well do have another woman he sees! I would never know

OP posts:
Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 02/12/2020 10:20

He’s just sent another message “I thought you wanted it to be on good terms....”

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 02/12/2020 10:20

It's aleady December. Just think - you won't start 2021 with false hope or unrealised expectations.

Make plans for YOU. Holidays? Mini breaks? Days out to places you've never been? Decorating your home? New hairstyle?

Anything that marks the next year a proper NEW year and fresh start.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 02/12/2020 10:21

So now I’m being the arsehole I guess

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 02/12/2020 10:22

@Doingmyownheadin

He’s just sent another message “I thought you wanted it to be on good terms....”
Ignore, PLEASE OP. Don't allow him to waste more of your ONE precious life.
TwentyViginti · 02/12/2020 10:24

@Doingmyownheadin

So now I’m being the arsehole I guess
No you're not. He can't quite believe you're not falling over yourself to accept being his back up shag.
timeisnotaline · 02/12/2020 10:30

You’re not being the asshole. Ignore ignore ignore petty little man can’t handle even the slightest bit of rejection even after he’s rejected you.
If you ever ran into him in person you say calmly oh I thought that was what you‘d call good terms. Didn’t want to go on about it, you did used to be sensitive about that

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 02/12/2020 10:36

Why do I feel bad for annoying him. I’m doing the thing I hated that he did to me....the dreaded silent treatment. He will likely block me soon to make a statement.
He said he didn’t want a relationship, that he only has time for a FWB, tha he knows that’s not for me etc etc. I just think I look like a right loser messaging him saying don’t worry about it, I’m all good! When I’m not!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 02/12/2020 10:36

It’s up to him I guess if he doesn’t want me. Just grim it took 4 years to decide that. And also a week of silent treatment to tell me he only wants someone to shag

OP posts:
AnImposter · 02/12/2020 10:42

What's happening now is that you've taken control by keeping silent and he won't like it as he is used to you begging!

Don't reply, keep the power in your hands, I promise that if you reply not only will you feel worse because no answer from him will be what you want, but also he will have all the control back once again.

I think you'll find he will be thrown off by your silence and he will start trying all sorts of mind games just to get a reaction, but don't fall for it! Once you send a single reply he will be back to ignoring you again.