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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ghosted in long term relationship

504 replies

Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 11:47

Hi, sorry for the long post but just felt like I need to vent as I’m struggling.
I had been with boyfriend on and off 4 years, very much on since January and seemed to finally be heading to a good place. I’ve been accused of “going on about things” in the past and I admit yes sometimes I have been a little impatient about moving forward but it always seemed like such a struggle for things to move forward and I would bring it up and he would always have a reason why now wasnt the right time or he wasn’t quite there yet.
He has disappeared in the past and we have worked things out. However a week past Monday he completely disappeared again, I remember we hadn’t spoke that much that day (long distance relationship) and at night I was trying to chat but he went quiet. I felt that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going quiet on me so later that night and the next morning I asked if we could talk etc but I haven’t heard from him since. I waited a few days and tried but nothing. It’s now been over a week and he’s gone. Has read my messages but no response.
So I assume we have broken up.
I don’t expect to get a message to officially end it and say goodbye and I know I need to move on but I just feel so rotten. I’m blaming myself and wish I hadn’t of “gone on” as he would put it but I only ever wanted is to finally get a secure place. I feel totally rubbish that in his eyes I am such a terrible person that he doesn’t even want to say a goodbye.

I want to just feel better and not go over in my head what I could or should of done differently. Sorry for the long post, I just feel lost.

OP posts:
Doingmyownheadin · 06/12/2020 12:08

I haven’t blocked him. I reckon I just about remember his number tho it would take me a few guesses to get the right one.
I just think he would see I’ve blocked him and think I was being totally melodramatic. I know I shouldn’t care what he thinks,
I haven’t even been on WhatsApp since he message Saturday morning and I deleted everything. Makes me feel sad the thought it going onto it!!

OP posts:
Cavagirl · 06/12/2020 12:12

He won't see you've blocked him.
Really really really you need to stop caring what he thinks and do what's right for you to move on.
In your head, do you ever envisage being in contact with him ever again?

TwentyViginti · 06/12/2020 12:25

Do you see what I mean now about him stealing your life? You have a tree and lights for your boy, but you've allowed him to take the joy away from you.

Hope you find your anger ASAP. Then you can begin to heal.

TwentyViginti · 06/12/2020 12:27

@Cavagirl

OP what's stopping you from blocking him?
In case he suddenly tells OP he wants a full relationship with her. She's still living in hope, and will believe him.
bringbacksideburns · 06/12/2020 12:48

Oh OP!

Block him now. Stop making excuses and clinging on to him.

He hasn't wanted to introduce you to any of his family in 4 years, nor is he interested in meeting your child. That tells you all you need to know about the man.

Do yourself a favour - claw back your self respect - and block him today.

Every time you think about him distract yourself.
Yes it's painful - but by god, he's playing you like a fiddle.

Aren't you worth better than this? BLOCK NOW.

notsurewhattodo22 · 06/12/2020 12:54

I 100% think he will be back unless you block and you will be put back to square 1 when he does.

I imagine he could ruin your Xmas unless you get rid for good.

Longwhiskers14 · 06/12/2020 12:56

Don't let this spoil your Christmas tree decorating with your DS, that's not fair on him. If you really can't bring yourself to block him completely, how about for the next 24 hours? Then, if he doesn't message in that time, block again for 48, then 72 and so on until one day you'll just forget to unblock him.

TwentyViginti · 06/12/2020 12:58

I imagine he could ruin your Xmas unless you get rid for good.

Oh he will. Nothing so sure as that.

CorianderQueen · 06/12/2020 13:03

Why do you miss such a cunt? He's not a good man, he has no respect for you, he doesn't love you.

Why would you miss someone who only wants you for your vagina? Gross. He's disgusting.

CorianderQueen · 06/12/2020 13:07

And you weren't a nag, you were a normal woman who wanted a normal relationship. He's made you think that's unreasonable. It's not.

Get him out of your life - he's manipulated you into thinking that asking for what you want is unreasonable nagging. Is he God? Then why are you so fucked about what this sad, pathetic man thinks.

CorianderQueen · 06/12/2020 13:11

@Doingmyownheadin

I didn’t feel as bad last week as I do now after his messages the other night. My confidence is even more battered. I just imagine him swanning about charming all the women (and he sent me a photo sat night and he looked amazing!!) totally happy etc. And I feel like a total mess
Because he's never given a single shit about you. There are no 'what ifs'. He would NEVER have been with you no matter what you did. You were just a fuck to him because he's a bastard. Recognise that. He has never and would never love you because he's a dickhead.

Seen it so many times with friends of mine. I tell them immediately I hate him and they ignore it and four years later I have to pick them up in their heart break.

notsurewhattodo22 · 06/12/2020 14:38

It is really difficult...

Even if you can't block him just yet it can help to post here. I know I struggled to block mine.

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 06/12/2020 14:59

I pity the next victim whos gonna get strung along by him, in your mind she's the one who's going to get everything you wanted, but remember, she's not! She's gonna get exactly the same as you because this is clearly who he is! Stringing someone along for 4 years?! Who does that?! A frigging arsehole that's who and one day you will see him for what he is and be so glad you got rid

Scrapper142 · 06/12/2020 19:52

@ChorleyFMcominginyourears

I pity the next victim whos gonna get strung along by him, in your mind she's the one who's going to get everything you wanted, but remember, she's not! She's gonna get exactly the same as you because this is clearly who he is! Stringing someone along for 4 years?! Who does that?! A frigging arsehole that's who and one day you will see him for what he is and be so glad you got rid
Thanks for this, know it was intended for OP, but its really resonated with me. I'm going to screenshot and keep repeating... because this is clearly who he is!
Doingmyownheadin · 06/12/2020 20:04

I just wish I could get past the heartbreak and missing him stage. I’m not seeing it all clearly at the minute. My thoughts are skewed with missing him and thinking if the good things

OP posts:
chemicalworld · 06/12/2020 20:07

force yourself to think of the bad, he has treated you like shit for years.

heom45 · 06/12/2020 20:07

Doing I get that. I've had nothing from mine. Im struggling today, feel so sad at all the nice things we used to do.. Then I tell myself he's STILL made no effort and it makes me snap out of it.. Horrible times

notsurewhattodo22 · 06/12/2020 20:22

Me too...I'm wallowing tonight thinking of what could have been and missing him.

You can't just switch your feelings off

notsurewhattodo22 · 06/12/2020 20:23

Mine made no effort either really....I just can't snap out of it!

Doingmyownheadin · 06/12/2020 20:26

Heom and not sure.....how long has it been of no contact for you? Please tell me it gets better 🙈

OP posts:
notsurewhattodo22 · 06/12/2020 20:28

About 3/ 4 weeks for me! Getting better than it was I was distraught..but still horrible.

He didn't treat me well though...little effort etc. I wish I could think sensibly...I just miss him.

Wiredforsound · 06/12/2020 20:50

He’s THIRTY EIGHT? Jesus, I thought he was about 19. What a dick. Block him. If he wanted to be with you he’d be with you. He doesn’t. He’s just missing the attention.

Esse321 · 06/12/2020 21:07

Write out the bad stuff OP, all the times he was a shit and never treated you well, keep reading that list and know you deserve better.

heom45 · 06/12/2020 21:46

Doing only 2 days, it's going to be raw I know. Mines tricky because I have some of his stuff.. I can't cope seeing him..then theirs the Xmas stuff to sort out.. Has he told his dad.. I'm supposed to be hosting Xmas.. He hasn't asked me about it any of it. I'm not mentioning it. I've muted and archived his messages as can't block (android phone).. Feels truly awful

notsurewhattodo22 · 07/12/2020 21:35

@Doingmyownheadin how are you today?

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