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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted in long term relationship

504 replies

Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 11:47

Hi, sorry for the long post but just felt like I need to vent as I’m struggling.
I had been with boyfriend on and off 4 years, very much on since January and seemed to finally be heading to a good place. I’ve been accused of “going on about things” in the past and I admit yes sometimes I have been a little impatient about moving forward but it always seemed like such a struggle for things to move forward and I would bring it up and he would always have a reason why now wasnt the right time or he wasn’t quite there yet.
He has disappeared in the past and we have worked things out. However a week past Monday he completely disappeared again, I remember we hadn’t spoke that much that day (long distance relationship) and at night I was trying to chat but he went quiet. I felt that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going quiet on me so later that night and the next morning I asked if we could talk etc but I haven’t heard from him since. I waited a few days and tried but nothing. It’s now been over a week and he’s gone. Has read my messages but no response.
So I assume we have broken up.
I don’t expect to get a message to officially end it and say goodbye and I know I need to move on but I just feel so rotten. I’m blaming myself and wish I hadn’t of “gone on” as he would put it but I only ever wanted is to finally get a secure place. I feel totally rubbish that in his eyes I am such a terrible person that he doesn’t even want to say a goodbye.

I want to just feel better and not go over in my head what I could or should of done differently. Sorry for the long post, I just feel lost.

OP posts:
Littleideasbigbook · 01/12/2020 18:30

This is appalling.

Retain control and NEVER communicate with this guy again. Would you let someone machete you down repeatedly? Nope. But that is what he has tried emotionally. Fuck. Him. Off.

Longwhiskers14 · 01/12/2020 18:31

@Doingmyownheadin

I haven’t replied or blocked, just been say in my house a bit shocked and a pity party on the go. Though he has just sent another message saying I guess you don’t need to respond and I deserve that after not replying to but then he joked unless it means you are on your way over. This is just all so shit. I just wanted normal.
Ewww, he expects you to hop over to his to fulfil the FWB part. What an utter scumbag. I know you don't think it now, OP, but you are well rid.
AnImposter · 01/12/2020 18:36

Do not reply. Do not reply. Do not reply. Do not reply. Do not reply. Do not reply. You're doing great OP xxx

LumpyPillow · 01/12/2020 18:42

@Doingmyownheadin

I just feel like an idiot, I’m sure I said in one of my messages when he disappeared that I didn’t want it to end badly and we could at least part ways and say cheerio. And now I’m sitting here ignoring his explanation. I just don’t see the point in replying
Stop blaming yourself. Stop framing yourself as the dickhead who has done wrong when it's him. You have every right to now change your mind and ignore him because he is being disgusting and disrespectful to you!! YOU ARE NOT THE UNREASONABLE ONE! Continue to ignore him.

"He just doesn’t grasp that I’m sad and he’s the one who is saying move on so what does he want me to do"

No, realise that he grasps that you're sad, he grasps it and knows it, uses it, he just doesn't care in the appropriate way so his behaviour is never going to make 'sense'.
He's manipulative and so it's all twisted and confusing to you. He's saying one thing and meaning another.

We are all telling you exactly what he wants you to do. Keep rereading the thread! From women who have lived through it, who are trying to explain to you exactly why you are so confused about his words, actions and behaviour. We are all explaining exactly what he wants you to do!

I know you're greiving and speaking out loud, but you really need to realise there is no hidden 'hes saying this because he secretly deeply loves me and wants me' to be found here. He doesn't. He doesn't have your best interests at heart.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 18:47

I’ve not even been on to read the message, I just seen it on my screen and avoided going on WhatsApp since. He won’t message a third time, that’s really not his style!
I do weirdly feel bad about not replying but I guess that’s just me. He is usually used to me replying and convincing him to give me a chance. Just writing this all down makes me feel so stupid!! Blush

OP posts:
LaBodDelMed · 01/12/2020 18:49

@AnImposter

Do not reply. Do not reply. Do not reply. Do not reply. Do not reply. Do not reply. You're doing great OP xxx
@Doingmyownheadin This ^ And block him, on everything. He isn’t going to grasp how you feel cos he doesn’t give a shit. Which is why you’ve been on and off for 4 years, you haven’t been introduced to his family and friends, he’s ghosted you, now just wants a FWB (but isn’t exactly even being friendly), and hasn’t shown you anything resembling respect. Just cut him off. You’ll feel much better, and can move on.
LumpyPillow · 01/12/2020 18:49

And as AnImposter said, you are doing so well!

And we understand the fear of thinking youll never feel the same for anyone else (you will) , not wanting to online date (no one does!) being fearful of letting go of all the time and effort you have put into this, But you have to fuck the fear, and help yourself out of this.

chemicalworld · 01/12/2020 18:57

You are not stupid, you just need to realise he doesn't see things the same as you. He doesnt deserve a reply and when I say he will message again, it might not be now, but it will be in a month or two. Hopefully by that time you will have been able to reframe all of this so you will see clearly what he has been doing to you.

I talked about my situation to a counsellor and I was told that the way my ex handled things was abusive, cutting me off, then reeling me back in, all with a result of getting me to behave how he liked, to not expect anything from the relationship.

Thing is, you do expect and deserve more and this is not the person to give it to you. big love to you, this isn't you, it's him, and he is a manipulative, cowardly person. Cut him out of your life.

pinkdragons · 01/12/2020 18:59

Your complete silence and not reading or responding will be the best message you can send him.
Stick to it. And block on everything.

ArabellaScott · 01/12/2020 18:59

Don't feel bad about not replying, OP. It's hard when we're emotionally attached (I have been emotionally attached to the scummiest of scumbags, so trust me, I know of what I speak).

Give yourself time to grieve a bit. Then enjoy your freedom in whatever way you see fit. Flowers

ArabellaScott · 01/12/2020 19:01

he has just sent another message saying I guess you don’t need to respond and I deserve that after not replying to but then he joked unless it means you are on your way over.

Fuck that. Cheeky bugger. Honestly, OP, this man is using you and deliberately reeling you in, keeping you unsteady. He's horrible.

Longwhiskers14 · 01/12/2020 19:01

@Doingmyownheadin

I’ve not even been on to read the message, I just seen it on my screen and avoided going on WhatsApp since. He won’t message a third time, that’s really not his style! I do weirdly feel bad about not replying but I guess that’s just me. He is usually used to me replying and convincing him to give me a chance. Just writing this all down makes me feel so stupid!! Blush
Don't feel stupid, he's obviously exercised a lot of manipulation to keep you dangling for four years. It feels weird not replying because that's what his manipulation has trained you to do. You're doing so well, OP and will get over him in time. Stay strong! Flowers
shouldhavecalleditoatabix · 01/12/2020 19:05

@Doingmyownheadin
PLEASE PLEASR PLEASE pay attention to all the incredible women here giving advice. Many of us have been where you are, and we feel your pain.

I absolutely guarantee that this man would carry on using you for as long as he can get away with. But you are worth more than this. It's fine to cry and to feel terrible. But do not let him know this. If you absolutely have to reply, a simple breezy
'Oh hey. No worries about ending it. I was feeling the same to be honest except I'm not looking for a FWB as you were aware. To be honest it's been hard work with you over these months and I'm worth more than that so I'm glad you've ended it as it saved me from doing it. No need to reply'

Then block him and get yourself something lovely to look forward to. Meet up with friends. Read a good book. Seek solace in those that love you and fuck him.

ArabellaScott · 01/12/2020 19:07

Yep, and anticipate him turning up the charm offensive as he feels you slipping away. Don't bite, though, it won't last.

Chloemol · 01/12/2020 19:16

Just text him, tell him you get the message it’s over, wish him the best, block and move on
Legs not worth it

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/12/2020 19:55

Can anyone link to the thread about the awesome poster who was dumped by text, didn't reply and ended up being an absolute BOSS? OP if someone can link to it, give it a read through and it will give you inspiration.

Do. Not. Reply. To. Him.

He will either:

Reply with something you think is nice - which will reel you back in. Then he will hurt you again and that will reinforce and worsen how shit you feel now.

Reply with another rejection message - which will just reinforce and worsen how shit you feel now.

Not reply - which will just reinforce and worsen how shit you feel now.

NO GOOD can come of messaging him now. He's had plenty of chances and now he's finally made it clear what he wants - casual sex without the commitment of a relationship. After years of knowing you and being loved by you. How dare he?!

The fact he messaged is great because this is your chance to end this madness with dignity, by NOT replying so that in a sense YOU get the final say. By not replying you are saying it's over, it's done, there is nothing to say.

Do. Not. Message. Him. Back.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 20:00

I’m trying not to, I just miss him and was so used to having him in my life. I’ve read the message but haven’t responded.

OP posts:
copperoliver · 01/12/2020 20:03

Don't blame yourself, he will always be like this he likes to have the power over you and play mind games with you and make you feel shit. My ex of 7 years was exactly the same. I finally had enough and walked. Best thing I ever done, I met a lovely man.
Do yourself a favour. Block him or change your number. He won't change he will always play games with you. For your own sake and your mental health walk away now. You won't regret it in the end. X

copperoliver · 01/12/2020 20:07

@Doingmyownheadin

I just don’t understand why I couldn’t of even got a message saying he had changed his mind or whatever. The deafening silence as the way to end it is really brutal. Not that I’m saying a message is any better but at least I would of known.

That is the point the reason he is doing it, wants to keep you dangling wants to be in control, wants to keep you guessing. He's a narcissist cunt walk away now. X

ree348 · 01/12/2020 20:17

Hi Op, your ex sounds so cold and doesn't sound like he has any redeeming features at all. He is projecting is own insecurities on you ie 'you going on', he's turning the situation around on you making out it's your fault. He's a narcissist, you don't realise it at the time but when the rose tinted glasses wear off it becomes a realisation.

Look back at all the occasions where he made you feel awful or turn a situation into your fault. If it was your sister /
Friend going out with him what would you advise?

You will look back and be glad he is gone, in the meantime don't reply to him and work on yourself. When you are in a happier place you will find someone worthy of you. He, however isn't worthy to be in any committed relationship.

Good luck and stay strong! X

PamDemic · 01/12/2020 20:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Calmate · 01/12/2020 20:28

OP, sorry you're feeling like this. A previous poster on this page referred to a poster last year who had been duped by text and didn't reply. I remember that thread, the Op in that case started running to make herself feel better, and it worked. Running releases endorphins, so not only will you feel better, you will be healthier and fitter too. You may attract someone a lot nicer than this creep who you are grieving for. You mentioned that writing all this down makes you feel like s%&*, well you have expressed yourself so well, just keep going, so many of us have felt the same and there's always Mumsnet for people to compare notes with. Well done for not replying, just keep busy and acknowledge that the creep is part of your recent past, and you are now moving on, a wiser person. Sending hugs Flowers

Calmate · 01/12/2020 20:28

P.s. dumped by text, not duped !

Miffyliffy · 01/12/2020 20:39

So much better off without him. Don't allow him to come and go as he pleases, you deserve better. Put your foot down, find someone who will commit and give you so much more than 4 years and no commitment. Please walk away

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