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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted in long term relationship

504 replies

Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 11:47

Hi, sorry for the long post but just felt like I need to vent as I’m struggling.
I had been with boyfriend on and off 4 years, very much on since January and seemed to finally be heading to a good place. I’ve been accused of “going on about things” in the past and I admit yes sometimes I have been a little impatient about moving forward but it always seemed like such a struggle for things to move forward and I would bring it up and he would always have a reason why now wasnt the right time or he wasn’t quite there yet.
He has disappeared in the past and we have worked things out. However a week past Monday he completely disappeared again, I remember we hadn’t spoke that much that day (long distance relationship) and at night I was trying to chat but he went quiet. I felt that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going quiet on me so later that night and the next morning I asked if we could talk etc but I haven’t heard from him since. I waited a few days and tried but nothing. It’s now been over a week and he’s gone. Has read my messages but no response.
So I assume we have broken up.
I don’t expect to get a message to officially end it and say goodbye and I know I need to move on but I just feel so rotten. I’m blaming myself and wish I hadn’t of “gone on” as he would put it but I only ever wanted is to finally get a secure place. I feel totally rubbish that in his eyes I am such a terrible person that he doesn’t even want to say a goodbye.

I want to just feel better and not go over in my head what I could or should of done differently. Sorry for the long post, I just feel lost.

OP posts:
bangheadhere40 · 01/12/2020 15:24

Yes.... say if you were going to consider FWB the benefits would have to be worth it, in this case they aren't.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 15:33

He defo isn’t married or living with someone, I’ve been to his house many many times. We spoke almost every day when not together.
I know I’m being a bit self pitying, I just feel shite to be honest. It was such a breezy message about how he just didn’t have time for anything. My fear is the next one will turn out to be the one for him.
I haven’t replied, I wouldn’t even know what to say to that message. It’s his decision what he wants or doesn’t want but only the other week he was saying he wanted the same things as me. Fast forward a few weeks he doesn’t have the time anymore!
I just think anything I would reply with would be pointless and I’d end up looking hurt and sad. Maybe I’ll just do his tactic of saying nothing at all.
I do appreciate all the messages from you guys xx

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 01/12/2020 15:36

I would reply with "Good luck and don't worry that a fuck buddy will want to get involved. They really won't."

cantwaitforchristmasyay · 01/12/2020 15:41

Don't reply - that will do his head in more than anything else you could do. I wouldn't even go to the trouble of blocking him - just treat him as though he's nothing to you and ignore.

Twinpeaksdancingman · 01/12/2020 15:44

Sadly OP I’ve been there also and the ‘next one’ did become a LTR for him... because there was something with her that he didn’t have with me, still to this day not know what that was but I would rather be with someone who is all in and wants me to be part of his life.

Happygogoat · 01/12/2020 15:46

He defo isn’t married or living with someone, I’ve been to his house many many times. We spoke almost every day when not together.

I still don't think he's single sorry OP. 4 years you've been kept at arms length!! This is not a relationship.

Sorry this happened. Move on and find someone who values you. X

ADelicateFlower · 01/12/2020 15:47

Why do you care what “the next one” will be like for him?

Concentrate on a lovely future for yourself, with richness and interesting stuff. The next one may be “the one” for you, and for as long as this smug arse is in the way, you won’t have the space.

Fuck him. What a knob.

You must text some sort of goodbye, so he doesn’t think think he has left the door open. People like this usually have fuzzy boundaries. Don’t let him piss on yours.

Noshowlomo · 01/12/2020 15:49

Don’t reply at all! Done and you know it’s done. Fuck him, he doesn’t deserve one second of your time and that includes replying to a message. Don’t reply, his ego will be hurt and I bet he’ll be crawling back BUT NOW BLOCK HIM.
What a son of a bitch

LilyLongJohn · 01/12/2020 15:50

My response to him would be 👍 then block him on everything.

He's done you a massive favour

Marmozet · 01/12/2020 15:54

@BeenThereDoneThat3

Don’t reply. Or if you do reply something like

“Thank you For the offer but I have standards to uphold....”

Four years of never introducing you to any of his friends and family was never going to turn out well. I would bet my house that he is married. Have you ever been to his house?

None of this is you OP, Although I would be tempted to go and look him up on social media to find out if there’s a wife/gf.... just to satisfy my curiosity.

Block him now and don’t look back.

Love this!
Marmozet · 01/12/2020 15:55

Yea I'd respond with thank god that's over with and then block him.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 15:56

I haven’t replied. I just can’t think of any response I want to give. His line about how he cares / loves me in our own way just screams I don’t love you and never will, it’s like a total kick in the teeth.
I don’t want to reply and we like oh I understand, don’t worry about it. I feel like just disappearing off the face of the earth as far as he is concerned.
I have to force myself to get over this. I am currently still crying tho which isn’t helping

OP posts:
carlaCox · 01/12/2020 16:03

I am currently still crying tho which isn’t helping

Of course you are, you're only human. Bottle of wine, tub of ice cream, Bridget Jones on the TV, ring some mates. Look after yourself. Cry it out. One day you'll look back and laugh at what a prick he was, but it just takes time.

CornforthWhite · 01/12/2020 16:08

Delete his number and block. It’s absolutely brutal, but it’s the only way. Sending love. You’ll get through this. You deserve better

Staffy1 · 01/12/2020 16:09

You would probably be better off without him. The ghosting or sulking behaviour will continue whenever he feels like it and it's not fun to live with that, I find it so pathetic.

TwentyViginti · 01/12/2020 16:10

@Doingmyownheadin

I haven’t replied. I just can’t think of any response I want to give. His line about how he cares / loves me in our own way just screams I don’t love you and never will, it’s like a total kick in the teeth. I don’t want to reply and we like oh I understand, don’t worry about it. I feel like just disappearing off the face of the earth as far as he is concerned. I have to force myself to get over this. I am currently still crying tho which isn’t helping
I mean this kindly, but he's shown for four years you are not and never have been a priority to him. I hope that you will learn from this to NEVER make someone a priority when to them you're just an option.

Never mind who he takes up with next, poor future woman. Think about your future. Don't waste another second of thought about him. He certainly doesn't think about you except as a possible future shag.

ravenmum · 01/12/2020 16:11

My fear is the next one will turn out to be the one for him.
Yes, that poor woman, we should all fear for her!

Agree with everyone else that he's been undermining you really horribly for 4 years and of course it's left you feeling crap.

Ignore him for now, that's also a suitably uninterested response.

Longwhiskers14 · 01/12/2020 16:11

My fear is the next one will turn out to be the one for him.

I've re-written that for you, OP:

'My hope is the next one will turn out to be the one for me'.

TwentyViginti · 01/12/2020 16:13

Oh and cry as much as you need to for now. Come back here to vent and for support. Many of us have been fucked over in relationships one way or another!

Serendipity79 · 01/12/2020 16:24

I will be amazed if this mans single. To not have been introduced to any of his family and friends or child after 4 years together is baffling. You do sound like hes battered your self esteem, but its not that you aren't good enough for him, its that youre TOO good for him.

Block and delete. It honestly is the only way or he'll try and sucker you back in at some point

ArabellaScott · 01/12/2020 16:28

OP, I'm sorry, but this man sounds like a dead loss.

You deserve better. A relationship should be mutually beneficial, not just on his terms. Have a good weep, then move on. Only contact him to tell him you no longer wish to hear from him. All this to-ing and fro-ing sounds like it has battered your self esteem, and to be perfectly honest, some men like to keep a woman guessing and down on herself just so that they can call the shots.

You're well rid. Far better to be single than stuck in a relationship that makes you miserable. If you want to, in due course, then you can go looking again - for someone who will respond to you with kindness, love and respect.

RichmondMumof2 · 01/12/2020 16:34

Ooh yep. Been there.

He is emotionally unavailable and you won't have been 'going-on'. It is correct to make plans with the one you love and to talk about a future together. He is a loser.

It feels totally shitty and when it happened to me I was vulnerable for a few months (rule of thumb give yourself a month for every year together). Your heart and ego have been broken and you feel massively rejected.

I read How to Mend your Broken Heart and felt OK after a few weeks and back to myself after 4
months.

Treating you this way is not what Love is. It will come from someone else soon, after you recover. Be gentle to yourself and delete his number from your phone.

curiouslypacific · 01/12/2020 16:35

He's done you a massive favour. Now that he's gone you have space for an honest, respectful, loving relationship. Before he was taking up that space but offering you none of it.

I know it doesn't feel like that right now, but in a couple of months you'll be so glad you're free of him and living your best life. In the meantime, accept that you'll have sad days and angry days and just go with it.

After leaving a terrible relationship I found the baggage reclaim website really useful. I'd recommend having a look - it may help you see him for the arsehole he is and help you spot the losers in future.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 16:43

Thanks for the messages. I just feel really down tonight, and I can’t imagine meeting someone else who I was that into! I so wanted this to work and for him to do all the things he said would happen for us. I met him after my marriage broke down and I was separated. Just met him where I worked at the time and it was just so natural and started off as friends. I’ve never done the whole online dating thing before. It just seems quite overwhelming at the minute but I do want to be with someone who wants me equally.

OP posts:
TR888 · 01/12/2020 16:47

OP, the best way to reply is by mirroring his casual tone. If you reply in an angry or upset way that'll be a nice ego boost, as it'll confirm he meant a lot to you.

I'd say: "No worries, things are pretty hectic here too! Good luck with life Smile" . That's it - the smiley is intentional as you want to convey the idea that breaking up is no big deal to you.

Then please block and delete his number - he'll be back but not because he loves you (sorry xxx).

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