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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosted in long term relationship

504 replies

Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 11:47

Hi, sorry for the long post but just felt like I need to vent as I’m struggling.
I had been with boyfriend on and off 4 years, very much on since January and seemed to finally be heading to a good place. I’ve been accused of “going on about things” in the past and I admit yes sometimes I have been a little impatient about moving forward but it always seemed like such a struggle for things to move forward and I would bring it up and he would always have a reason why now wasnt the right time or he wasn’t quite there yet.
He has disappeared in the past and we have worked things out. However a week past Monday he completely disappeared again, I remember we hadn’t spoke that much that day (long distance relationship) and at night I was trying to chat but he went quiet. I felt that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that he was going quiet on me so later that night and the next morning I asked if we could talk etc but I haven’t heard from him since. I waited a few days and tried but nothing. It’s now been over a week and he’s gone. Has read my messages but no response.
So I assume we have broken up.
I don’t expect to get a message to officially end it and say goodbye and I know I need to move on but I just feel so rotten. I’m blaming myself and wish I hadn’t of “gone on” as he would put it but I only ever wanted is to finally get a secure place. I feel totally rubbish that in his eyes I am such a terrible person that he doesn’t even want to say a goodbye.

I want to just feel better and not go over in my head what I could or should of done differently. Sorry for the long post, I just feel lost.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 01/12/2020 14:37

He usually messages by now after a week or so to tell me that he’s had enough and can’t trust that I won’t “go on” in future

You've put up with FOUR YEARS of this shit? Don't waste any more of your ONE life on this pathetic manchild. Christ, he must be a great shag for you to have stayed this long.

carlaCox · 01/12/2020 14:38

I'd make the message something like "Hi X, I've been thinking about your behaviour and have decided I'm no longer interested in a relationship with you. Hope you have better luck next time. Best regards, YYY"

Haha I like it. Revenge is a dish best served cold after all.

ADelicateFlower · 01/12/2020 14:49

How about-

Very sorry to tell you over text, but this relationship is no longer working for me.
I will need a lot of space now, please respect that.

Then block his sorry arse on everything.

Don’t wish him luck, etc for the future! His future is no longer your business, and nor is yours, his.

Pumpkinpied · 01/12/2020 14:52

Four years and you haven't met his family and friends?

TheQueef · 01/12/2020 14:56

I wouldn't text.
I predict after another week he will start texting, block him.
Be ready if he calls to breezily say "oh erm Jon I can't talk now sorry"
Taste of his own medicine.

Marmozet · 01/12/2020 14:58

Has he been online since he read the messages?

Derelictwreck · 01/12/2020 14:59

Four years and you haven't met his family and friends?

^This. Sorry OP, but if he's single I'll eat my hat.

Windinmyhair · 01/12/2020 15:00

Regardless of whether he is already married, a total commitment phobe who is keeping you at arms length, or just a dick who likes to control women - it all boils down to...

He is just not that into you.

This wont be long term, or if it will, you will be constantly chasing him for things that are typical in a long term relationship; commitment, love, attention. What's the point? Why waste time on someone that is just not that bothered.

There is an argument to say he is being cautious because he has a child, but honestly, you would know if this was the right relationship, because you would be important to him, and you don't sound like you feel important.

Longwhiskers14 · 01/12/2020 15:02

Are you sure he's separated from the mother of his child, OP?

strangertimes · 01/12/2020 15:03

I think you need to take control. Decide now that’s it. There are no excuses for this behaviour. It’s childish. Be adult. Just delete his number and get on with rebuilding your life.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 15:03

Well speak of the devil he’s just messaged me about 20 minutes ago to tell me that he doesn’t want a relationship and all he wants is a FWB as that is all he has time for and all he needs as he so much going on his life. He doesn’t want to shag about tho he felt the need to tell me! He says he understands what I won’t want that and that I shouldn’t take it personally and that he “loves/ cares for me in our own way” whatever that means.
I feel bloody awful now. I know it’s black and white and straight to the point but now I just feel like I wasn’t good enough to be in a relationship with. Just so over feeling rubbish all the time.
I haven’t replied to him.

OP posts:
Windinmyhair · 01/12/2020 15:05

It isn't you, it is him.

His decision says more about him and his immaturity than it ever will about you.

You are good enough. He wasn't.

carlaCox · 01/12/2020 15:08

I just feel like I wasn’t good enough to be in a relationship with

I've been there and felt the same way but believe me, this sounds absolutely bonkers to everyone else. He is a selfish knob who can't be bothered with a relationship right now - this is nothing to do with you and everything to do with him! I felt like this about my ex 4 years ago when I found out he was cheating on me. Now I'm in an amazing relationship with a lovely guy and get the occasional screenshot from my friends on dating apps when my ex's profile comes up. He's been single since we broke up and his profile says "looking for someone who doesn't want monogamy". Ha! Count yourself lucky you don't have to waste anymore time on this guy.

CannibalQueen · 01/12/2020 15:09

He’s using ‘going on’ as an excuse. He doesn’t want more than he has. He’s certainly not ready for commitment. Move on. Don’t waste any more time.

bangheadhere40 · 01/12/2020 15:12

What a prize he isn't!

I'm so sorry op. I recently invested a year into a similar man with similar excuses who wouldn't commit but blamed me for it. I was devasted when he vanished ( had also vanished before) and felt i wasn't good enough.

It's really hard to not let these men destroy your self esteem. It's taken me a while to feel almost normal. I was so upset....

It really is them, is he hoping now you will offer to be fwb??? Tell him to get lost.

ADelicateFlower · 01/12/2020 15:12

Just seen your update.

You’re too good for him!

“Yes I feel the same way.”

Then BLOCK on EVERYTHING.

Longwhiskers14 · 01/12/2020 15:12

Don't give him the satisfaction of replying! I suspect you've been his OW for a while and he's either decided to make a go of it with his relationship or there's another OW on the scene.

Block him and move on. Not all men are such arseholes and you will meet someone nice.

Original poster
Doingmyownheadin · 01/12/2020 15:13

Is it ridiculous that I’m just sitting here worrying he will get a f**k buddy and then it will evolve into a relationship naturally!

I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just feel like my self esteem is shot to bits right now

OP posts:
Longwhiskers14 · 01/12/2020 15:15

@Doingmyownheadin

Is it ridiculous that I’m just sitting here worrying he will get a f**k buddy and then it will evolve into a relationship naturally! I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just feel like my self esteem is shot to bits right now
That's because he's done a right number on your for four years. He's kept you at arm's length the entire time and ruined your confidence. Maybe talking to a relationship counsellor might help you move on?
HelloMissus · 01/12/2020 15:21

I’d text back saying that you certainly couldn’t be his FWB as the B aren’t all that.
But you wish him well of course.

TwentyViginti · 01/12/2020 15:22

@Doingmyownheadin

Is it ridiculous that I’m just sitting here worrying he will get a f**k buddy and then it will evolve into a relationship naturally! I don’t know what’s wrong with me, I just feel like my self esteem is shot to bits right now
It's not ridiculous you feel like that. You said you've invested in this cockwomble for four years, so of course you feel rubbish now it's come down to FWB.

Lesson learned NOT to invest so much time and emotional energy in a commitmentphobe. Or to let your self esteem be governed by flaky men.

A relationship should enhance an already great life, not be the be all and end all of it.

Ghost the fuck out of him and heal yourself with the help of friends.

carlaCox · 01/12/2020 15:22

That's because he's done a right number on your for four years.

I agree with this. This is what my ex did to me - slowly, slowly whittled away my self-esteem. One thing that really helped me was realising that this wasn't accidental on his part, it was part of a strategy to keep me in his pocket. Honestly men like this are toxic and I look back now in horror that I could ever have considered marriage and kids with this guy.

I'd recommend checking out the School of Life YouTube videos. There are some interesting ones about emotional immaturity, relationships etc. that really made me think.

rosabug · 01/12/2020 15:23

@Doingmyownheadin

I know you are right. It just makes me sad that he never wanted to integrate me into his life. He must of always been unsure of me and just had niggling doubts. Just wish things could have been different. He usually messages by now after a week or so to tell me that he’s had enough and can’t trust that I won’t “go on” in future Sad
You should perhaps examine the way you frame your responses. They are rather self-pitying and handing over all definition of the relationship to him. From what I have read, I think the signs were there much much earlier and you chose wishful thinking over reality.

Some tough love: Stop being such a pussy - he was playing you. He disappeared at earlier points because he was likely making pursuit of another 'lead' and when that didn't pan out he turned up again. This kind of shabby treatment only defines you if you let it. And if it makes you feel better, and it should, there will be a string of other women he has treat in the same way, all different: smart, dim, fat, thin. The only thing they have in common? All wishful thinkers. Next time: read the signs and believe them - then ACT in your own best interests. Best of luck.

TwentyViginti · 01/12/2020 15:23

@HelloMissus

I’d text back saying that you certainly couldn’t be his FWB as the B aren’t all that. But you wish him well of course.
Superb! Grin
BeenThereDoneThat3 · 01/12/2020 15:23

Don’t reply. Or if you do reply something like

“Thank you For the offer but I have standards to uphold....”

Four years of never introducing you to any of his friends and family was never going to turn out well. I would bet my house that he is married. Have you ever been to his house?

None of this is you OP, Although I would be tempted to go and look him up on social media to find out if there’s a wife/gf.... just to satisfy my curiosity.

Block him now and don’t look back.