Page 7 | Just walked out - feel horrible and don’t know what to do

Satinacarpark · 2020-11-29T21:22:30+00:00

My DD is 9 and has spent most of today raging at me. I’ve been kicked, doors have been kicked, screaming, I hate yous and been called a demon. This is because she wouldn’t come off the computer when asked, and was given a time out. My partner never backs me up when a time out is called, or challenges her behaviour, in - what I would say - is a proactive way. After been told again this evening by my sautéed that I am the ‘most horrible evil person in the world’, I asked him to speak to her. He simply went in the room and moved his computer out. He said he was waiting until she calmed down to speak to her. But it doesn’t ‘feel’ like that - I just feel completely unsupported. So I back my things, my babies things - and left. I’m now sitting in a car park. What do I do now?

Ineke · 30/11/2020 01:31

During DD terrible teenage years, I had her bedroom door removed because she kept kicking it and damaging it. She soon learnt not to do this.

Ineke · 30/11/2020 01:48

Good book to help is called Get Out of my Life, but first take me and Alex into town' especially good for teenagers behaving badly.

gumball37 · 30/11/2020 01:56

Mental health eval is my suggestion

Changednamesorry · 30/11/2020 02:41

I really don´t think walking out on your daughter overnight is OK in fact I think it borders on emotional abuse. Taking half an hour in the kitchen - sure. But leaving with her baby brother to a hotel overnight? That´s not right, OP.

You might be at the end of your tether but doing this is a huge over reaction and will make your little girl (after all - that´s what she is) feel abandoned.

I have a 9 year old son an he absolutely would be traumatised if I stormed off to a hotel for the night in a strop - you are the adult here. If you need a break overnight plan one for the future don´t storm off leaving a child thinking her mother can´t stand to be around her to the extent she´s walked out.

Please rethink.

Iggly · 30/11/2020 06:18

This isn’t an abusive adult, it’s a child and I wouldn’t conflate the two. Like it or not, parents have some responsibility for the behaviour of their children. That’s why it’s so hard when they behave badly and lash out - at this age it’s something we can do something about.

OP, I hope you can work this out with your DP but for the sake of your children, think carefully about whether this relationship works for you and your kids. Please don’t transfer your unhappiness with your DP onto them.

Littlefluffyclouds13 · 30/11/2020 06:31

Your dd is 9 and you have a baby.
Is it not glaringly obvious why she is behaving like this?

Lalaloveyou2020 · 30/11/2020 08:38

Does your daughter get much exercise? It sounds so silly but a half hour vigorous exercise a day could really calm her. Not sure what postpartum stage you're at but a zumba class together on Youtube every evening is a great workout. Make it fun for you and her, a bonding experience. Maybe say you can't set it up without her to give her confidence and reel her in. Leave the baby with your husband. Also tell your husband he's a twat.

Original poster

Satinacarpark · 30/11/2020 09:29

I’m massively grateful to everyone who posted on here. I came back, slept on sofa, DP apologised, we all hugged on sofa this morning. I explained to DD it was wrong for me to leave, and it was wrong for her to hit/scream/slam doors. She has a list of things on her door to do if she feels angry. Whoever said exercise is right, and whoever said about Roblox/computer too is right too. No computer this week, and we will have password/strict time limit in future. And park every day after school. DP and I have different parenting styles - we need to address this.

OP posts:

SenselessUbiquity · 30/11/2020 09:36

@Satinacarpark how are you today?

I have been where you are (with your P, my children were both younger so not the same as your 9 year old) and I'm sorry to say that in the end - not immediately but eventually - the relationship ended. With my P that is, not with my children.

I didn't succeed in getting him to respect me and it was not a tolerable house for me to live in under those conditions. I was really struck by the PP who said "It's your house! go home and read the riot act!" YESSS. I understand totally why you were crying in a car park on a winters' night with your baby, rather at home getting some rest in your own space with your home comforts about you - I totally get it, there was no room for you there - but it is WRONG that you work so hard for your family and are not respected enough at home to be able to cope.

But - reading the riot act. You should be able to say to your P "this is not ok and this is why and this is what has to change." but what has to change is that he has to respect you, and I don't know if you can make a man respect you who does not already. If he doesn't see why you deserve his respect, love and support, I don't know what can make him see it. I am not saying it is not possible; I am saying I couldn't do it with mine so I don't have the advice to give you on that.

I live alone with my daughters now and I am very happy that I am not modelling my partner treating me like shit in my own house, and me putting up with it. I work very hard, and my kids perceive this and respect me, and I do not have to fight for respect or decent treatment in my own house. My kids are 11 and 9 and while they can be moody and difficult, they basically respect me. (for now!)

the biggest issue I have with their behaviour is related to too much time online. I am zero tolerance on quasi addictive behaviour with screens and will turn the whole lot off when I have to.

Your P is the issue. You deserve better.

Good luck.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 30/11/2020 09:47

So happy to read your update. Onwards and upwards now! Good luck

LadyEloise · 30/11/2020 09:56

@Satinacarpark
I'm glad you're home safe.
I really don't think you should have to apologise.
Your dd needs to know that actions have consequences.
Going forward, more exercise and less screen time sounds great.
If you could give your daughter special time- just you and her together- perhaps go to a favourite cafe, go for a walk - once a week without the baby or your partner, it would be great for her.
She's had your undivided attention for 8 years approximately and suddenly you are not quite so available. It's bound to have had an impact.

SandyY2K · 30/11/2020 10:20

@DesMartinsPetCat
I agree with your 22:58 post yesterday.

Kids can drive you mad a lot of the time...and sometimes yoy just feel like getting away from them, before you say something you regret.

That applies to both mum and dad

In similar threads where the genders are reversed the man is insulted and called all sorts, because..well "he's the adult and should know better"
Anyone can get frustrated with kids misbehaving.......but MN never afford the same sympathy to men...and he must be as is often so eloquently put ^a twat, a knob, a prick" and all other such nonsense.

SenselessUbiquity · 30/11/2020 10:33

x-posted with you, OP - glad things are looking better.

"DP and I have different parenting styles - we need to address this."

This is very generous wording. Be careful that you aren't just giving him too much credit for being lazy and taking the path of least resistance. you are the expert here.

Melaniaswig · 30/11/2020 10:41

You’ve just shown your daughter that when the going gets tough, you’ll leave. I can’t imagine how damaging this would be.

squashyhat · 30/11/2020 10:48

And yet another poster who doesn't RTFT

Melaniaswig · 30/11/2020 10:58

@squashyhat

And yet another poster who doesn't RTFT

If you’re referring to me, the fact that she came back doesn’t alter the fact that she walked out in the first place.

Rainbowshine · 30/11/2020 11:10

@Satinacarpark is your DP a Disney dad? He has all week free of parenting and doesn’t take responsibility for any rules or discipline when he’s there at weekends, is that to compensate for his absence and as someone else said he then looks good and you’re the one labelled as the “bad cop” even though you’re the more active and involved parent. Get him to look up Disney dad and tell him that he is acting like one, he needs to understand that he’s responsible for setting and maintaining rules for his children too.

Scaryprospects · 30/11/2020 11:18

I think it’s fair to say we all make mistakes. You could view it that the OP did the right thing by diffusing the situation. She has spoken to her DD and apologised, showing her DD that we are all human and make mistakes. She has implemented things to avoid it happening in the future. Stop being judgemental.

Original poster

Satinacarpark · 30/11/2020 11:30

The special time with DD is a very good idea, she’d love that - and you’re right, I don’t do that anymore. And thank you @SenselessUbiquity that’s a very strong post, and great advice. Disney Dad - I’ve just read @rainbowshine, it’s exactly that. But it’s not deliberate? Is it? The things that are stressful - the not hearing the baby in the night, forgetting the bins, not putting things away, not being proactive, not organising, not disciplining, the poor time keeping...

OP posts:

Original poster

Satinacarpark · 30/11/2020 11:31

Is it a wilful avoidance?

OP posts:

Bunnymumy · 30/11/2020 11:39

He doesn't do these things, so that you have to. Simple as. Pull him up on it every time. Make sure he knows that if he continues to sit on his arse and let you do all the work in the marriage, then the marriage won't continue. That you mean it. And that you only signed up for the two kids, not a third big baby on top.

Clymene · 30/11/2020 11:39

So he is basically another child in your home for you to chivvy along and remind.

That's not a partner - you are currently the only person behaving like an adult in your home.

Rainbowshine · 30/11/2020 12:07

None of us can tell you if your DP has just fallen into this pattern of behaviour or if it’s wilful and deliberate. Has the parenting always been down to you? What about other mental load like making sure the household functions? What conversations have you had between you about who does what in terms of managing stuff? Or has it just happened organically and you’ve just picked everything up and got on with it?

Nature1nurture · 30/11/2020 12:46

Go back - your DD needs you even though she is angry with you. She will be worried that you don’t love her and deep down, I suspect that you are the parent who makes her feel secure. Also your DP sounds hopeless so she needs a functioning adult in the house who can set boundaries and keep her safe.

Is your DD becoming addicted to screens? I have found that too much screen time leads to this this sort of bad behaviour and meltdowns.

You can try discussing the support you need with your DP but he may not understand how his lack of parenting skill is impacting on you. It must be very frustrating and upsetting for you.

I know because I have had the same problem. It’s extremely irritating to be constantly undermined by the other parent not wanting to take part in discipline. I have often felt that it is because my DH is a child himself and cares more about his popularity with the children than about what is healthy for them. Many requests to assist with discipline have not led to any change so now I expect nothing from him in terms of ‘bringing up’ our children. I do all the discipline, teaching of manners and boundaries around bedtimes, screens etc. and just accept that I am the only adult around.

On the plus side, the children love me a lot (they do love their father too) because they know that I have had their best interests at heart and our family unit is still together.

Nanny0gg · 30/11/2020 12:49

@Nature1nurture

Go back - your DD needs you even though she is angry with you. She will be worried that you don’t love her and deep down, I suspect that you are the parent who makes her feel secure. Also your DP sounds hopeless so she needs a functioning adult in the house who can set boundaries and keep her safe.

Is your DD becoming addicted to screens? I have found that too much screen time leads to this this sort of bad behaviour and meltdowns.

You can try discussing the support you need with your DP but he may not understand how his lack of parenting skill is impacting on you. It must be very frustrating and upsetting for you.

I know because I have had the same problem. It’s extremely irritating to be constantly undermined by the other parent not wanting to take part in discipline. I have often felt that it is because my DH is a child himself and cares more about his popularity with the children than about what is healthy for them. Many requests to assist with discipline have not led to any change so now I expect nothing from him in terms of ‘bringing up’ our children. I do all the discipline, teaching of manners and boundaries around bedtimes, screens etc. and just accept that I am the only adult around.

On the plus side, the children love me a lot (they do love their father too) because they know that I have had their best interests at heart and our family unit is still together.

Have you not read the OP's posts?

She did go back...