Just walked out - feel horrible and don’t know what to do

[Satinacarpark]

My DD is 9 and has spent most of today raging at me. I’ve been kicked, doors have been kicked, screaming, I hate yous and been called a demon. This is because she wouldn’t come off the computer when asked, and was given a time out. My partner never backs me up when a time out is called, or challenges her behaviour, in - what I would say - is a proactive way. After been told again this evening by my sautéed that I am the ‘most horrible evil person in the world’, I asked him to speak to her. He simply went in the room and moved his computer out. He said he was waiting until she calmed down to speak to her. But it doesn’t ‘feel’ like that - I just feel completely unsupported. So I back my things, my babies things - and left. I’m now sitting in a car park. What do I do now?

@Cantdoitallperfectly

It’s pretty poor that your DH hasn’t checked in on you.

He’s probably busy consoling a confused and upset child? 🤷🏻‍♀️

If a woman had posted that her boyfriend had walked out, taken their baby, leaving her and her nine year old, I doubt she’d get many “oooh, better give him a call and check he’s ok” responses.

I don't agree @DesMartinsPetCat

The OPs 'D'P hasn't offended any support, so I doubt he's consoling a child or even arsed about anyone but himself having been left to deal with something he should have helped out with in the beginning.

OP has a young baby and is upset, he should be concerned about her and should have been in touch.

I have a 10yo dd and I think you did the right thing. They are old enough now to realise actions have consequences and if your punishments aren't working then it sounds like it might shock her into realising that you have feelings too. They understand a great deal at this age and are very capable of having conversations, they aren't toddlers. I would have a night away, think about what you would like to do going forward and how to address all the issues and go back with a fresh mind tomorrow. Her behaviour sounds so difficult to manage, do you know what else could be causing it? Could you take her for a drive and some 1-1 time to talk about it? I also have a baby ds and a toddler and dd did feel left out and her behaviour definitely changed for a while. We made really good progress though during lockdown by going for drives together and having a 'girl chat'. I hope you feel better tomorrow and get a good night's sleep!

OP - glad you're going back.
You're right - it is a DP issue. You sound exhausted and unsupported. Give your DD a big cuddle. They do get a bit precocious at this age - very preteen arsy. You're not a bad mum - you're having a moment.
Take care.

We noticed a clear link with screen time and bad behaviour, and the moment did starts getting ill tempered it goes off. The worse it is, the longer it goes off for - thats her choice, choosing to behave like that = choosing to lose screen time. We used it as a reward for good behaviour for a while. But you can consider such things later when you’ve had a rest. Hope you’re ok. At risk of sounding over dramatic, do watch her near baby, my dd could get pushy and shovy with her brother.

I agree with joanwinifred, the OP sounds very vulnerable, tired, upset and sitting in a cold car with a baby. Her husband should be looking out for her and I don't think she should apologise to her DD, she should explain. I think kids need to know that adults have feelings as well.

Your oh was right not to antagonise your dd while she was upset. Just go back and say you're sorry and talk it out like adults

I wonder if you’re getting a little kick out of this

Iggly what a horrible thing to say. Are you getting a kick out of trying to upset the op more?

My DD who is 9 wiill often have a rage when stopped from playing computer games....mainly Roblox. It literally makes her the most unpleasant child ever and she isn't like that normally....I just wondered if there was any link for your DD....they can not regulate their emotions when they are playing computer games....even adults struggle.....just a thought.
Be kind to yourself

Calm down with a cup of hot drink, return home and sit with her for a while and explain that you was upset and needed to have some time out. They learn from us. Without accusing, you can explain that when you called mummy evil, it made mummy feel x,y,z. She will begin to learn that she can verbalise in healthier ways. Don’t take what she says too personally, she dosent mean it. There’s a message in there somewhere and it could even be something like not looking forward to school tomorrow.

It’s very difficult to parent when not parenting from the same views and rule book. My husband is the same.

All I would say is these problems (attitude etc) although seeming difficult now, are nothing in comparison to the teen years, so just brace yourself snd enjoy every minute now. Not to make you feel worse, just advice to brace!

Hope you are all okay xx

@poptartsarefood

A nine year old who kicks and rages at you will be a thirteen year old who does worse unless you put in some boundaries. She needs consequences not cuddles, but for tonight look after yourself and your little one. I'd have gone for the hotel, she's with her dad so she's safe and you're a person too.

I would have done as well. Doesn't matter if it is a 9 year old or a 19 year old or a 29 year old -abuse is never justified and we all have breaking points.

I haven't been there will my children -but I wouldn't cope well with a child abusing me and making me feel bullied in my own home. Time for some tough love. For me that would be the whole of December -no computer -gone. Children earn rights and lose them, like wise with rewards. Enough is enough.

I aon't think ypu should put up with DD's behaviour.
She is old enough to learn consequences to her actions and that while you are her mother you are also a person with feelings.

She is plenty old enough to dish out abuse . GO home tonight or tomorrow and then talk to her that there are limits on her behaviour.

You have not been cruel at all

@OhDearMuriel

Stay in a budget hotel. She needs to know who is in control and it's not her. It's one night that's all. If you go back tonight she knows that she would have got away with it until the next time. Kicking you, kicking doors and screaming is totally unacceptable. It's very hard but she needs to know some boundaries and your DP needs to also learn as well.

THIS ^

And perhaps your partner will think about his reactions (or lack of them) and how he has contributed to this situation, too.

@Satinacarpark

It is a DP/me problem. It’s not her. Thank you everyone. I’m going to go home, apologise to her and give her a cuddle.

I think you have a DP problem too. It's strange that she plays up more when he's there at the weekend. Do you think she's trying to get his attention? Or your attention when he's around? Is her her father or is he a step father?

I don't blame you for walking out - it sounds really stressful. However I think there's something going on in her mind for her to react that much,

Has she been worse since DS was born? Is she maybe jealous? Do you ever spend any time with her on her own?

Can you look into so family counselling?

If the OP had come here and said her DH or DP had screamed at her and kicked her she would be told to LTB and get to safety.
Just because the person screaming at OP and kicking her is a child it should not be watered down. OP is not anyone's punch bag.
The fact that it is OP's own child, a daughter, who is doing these verbal and physical attacks on OP is not acceptable and it is horrifically hurtful to OP. If she is expected to take this when the daughter is 9 it will continue and the attacks will cause more injuries and the child grows bigger and stronger and the OP gets older and weaker.
OP should not be attacked by anyone whomsoever

I was also wondering if she's addicted to a game like Roblox or Animal Crossing?

I'm glad you went back OP. No judgement at all for what you did and it sounds like an unbearable situation, I hope you can get some support and help. My mum left the house during an argument with my dad when I was 12 and I stayed up until 3am waiting for her to come home. I still remember bursting into tears to my teacher at school because the night before I thought my mum had walked out on us and wasn't coming back. I hope you and your daughter are both OK and you can have a serious talk with your partner about the lack of support x

Oh op, I do feel for you and I can see both sides. Your dd is old enough at 9 to know that violence is unacceptable but at the same time my mum and my dad used to leave as a “joke” or to teach me a lesson if I misbehaved and honestly I’ve never forgotten or fully trusted anyone. My dad did actually leave for good, I can remember waiting for days hoping for him to come back but he never did. My mum used to talk about sending me away too. I promise you your dd isn’t secure, she’s saying those things because she’s insecure. She’s testing to see if you will leave her and you did. I do this as an adult, push people away to see if they really do love me or if they’ll just abandon me too. It’s incredibly destructive behaviour learned from an awful childhood. Go home, apologise and explain to her that her words and actions hurt but you love her and you want to find a way to help her and you to have a better relationship. And I think zero screen time, just films together etc. No gaming or Tik Tok.

Good luck op, I hope you’re ok. She loves you, she’s just had you all to herself for 8 years and now has to share you with an active one year old plus lockdown has put a huge strain on kids.

Take care

Gaming is really addictive and it can bring out the worst in kids. With my DS if we tell him it’s time to come off and he’s in the middle of a game with his friends we will sometimes get a really intense emotional response and if he’s really angry he can say really nasty things to my DH, if DH doesn’t respond calmly it only escalates further.
When my DS calms down he is sweetness and light and totally regrets the nasty things he said. The reality is that they are just kids with big emotions and they need their behaviour managed and supported. We’ve learned there are ways to manage him and his intense emotions and de-escalate the situation. As tempting as it was to just stop the gaming, we found in lockdown it was his only way to interact with his friends and that overall it had more benefits so didn’t want to ban him. I would recommend giving advance warning of when they will need to come off and reminding them when they have say 15 mins to go, then 5 etc. I would also recommend when they get upset or angry that you don’t react with anger. Either give them space to vent or agree with them about how they are feeling. ‘Yeah I can see why that’s annoying when you were trying so hard on that’ etc when they are annoyed, don’t get drawn into a debate or argument because there will be no winners. If you’re met with nastiness then they aren’t calm and there’s no point trying to reason with them- step away for a few minutes. Don’t take a single word out of their mouths when they are angry personally. Whilst it’s not good/fair if your DH isn’t backing you up, you know that actually you manage her behaviour really well during the week and don’t need his backup.

The difference you are seeing here is that it’s the weekend and her routine isn’t there. You are also possibly on a tighter fuse having described the sleep deprivation you’ve just gone through and all the work you’ve done in the house (again sounds like very little support from your DH). None of that is your DD’s fault. You do have a DH issue if he’s not pulling his weight in other areas. You deserve to be able to have a night off from time to time and shouldn’t be hard on yourself for taking time out. Though you’ve done the right thing in returning to your DD so she knows she can depend on you. It’s not a bad thing to tell her how you felt and that sometimes you get really tired from everything else that you are doing and needed a bit of time to calm down and think. Good luck OP I hope you have a good sleep tonight and a better day tomorrow x

I am glad you are going back. I don't blame you at all for leaving. I thought @Girlzroolz had some very wise words.
I think that mn saying, 'you have a dh problem' is very accurate here.
Tomorrow is another day.

I hope you and ds have a good sleep and you get some support from dh.

you need support and you're not getting it. I wouldn't apologise to your daughter I'd explain in the morning how her behaviour isn't acceptable and would remove the item causing it (the pc) unless she needs it for school work it isn't an essential. This kind of behaviour at 9 is awful, she isn't a toddler and you aren't a kicking post OP your DP needs to buck up and present a united front. I hope you get some peace because no one should have to put up with this

Mothers are so trapped sometimes. Can't leave our abusers if the are so-called innocent children. How the fuck did we get here.