Just walked out - feel horrible and don’t know what to do

[Satinacarpark]

My DD is 9 and has spent most of today raging at me. I’ve been kicked, doors have been kicked, screaming, I hate yous and been called a demon. This is because she wouldn’t come off the computer when asked, and was given a time out. My partner never backs me up when a time out is called, or challenges her behaviour, in - what I would say - is a proactive way. After been told again this evening by my sautéed that I am the ‘most horrible evil person in the world’, I asked him to speak to her. He simply went in the room and moved his computer out. He said he was waiting until she calmed down to speak to her. But it doesn’t ‘feel’ like that - I just feel completely unsupported. So I back my things, my babies things - and left. I’m now sitting in a car park. What do I do now?

Thing is - she is absolutely not insecure, it’s pretty shocking what she says to me.

I understand it must be very hard, but you can’t walk out on her like that, she’s only 9, I wouldn’t ever be saying I’m leaving

You're trying to teach a nine year old a lesson by effectively leaving her OVERNIGHT? Are you going to even tell her? Is the lesson You're trying to teach her that you are unreliable, selfish and dramatic? Because I'm sure she has learned that already.

You're daughter is nine, she doesn't mean it when she calls you evil. Parenting is hard, but you are being incredibly childish.

Satins take it from a mum of adults, time outs etc don't work when the child is screaming and lashing out.

The real work is done when everyone is calm.

My actions would be no screen time for the foreseeable and a good old fashioned chat to find out what's going on in that head of hers.

I know she doesn’t mean it - but it’s said with such venom and spite. I had spent most of the day not engaging with it, but I asked for back up - and he just moved his monitor out.

I bet you she is insecure because she’s saying those things to test boundaries.

My dd does it when she feels insecure and she’s checking our strength of feeling towards her.

What will you do when she’s a teenager? Leave for weeks at a time?

Honestly, you have the power already.

I’d suggest reading a couple of books to help reset your thinking

this

And

this

So you’re angry with your dp then but are punishing (and no doubt scaring the shit out of) your daughter by storming out.

Separate the two?

And I’d spent the whole day clearing up mess, toys, I was up at 5am with baby (who had also woken up about 4 times during the night), I’ve cooked, washed clothes etc etc, been told I’m evil, a demon, horrible. I usually AM calm. I just cracked this evening.

I am absolutely dreading the teenage years.

How did you leave things with your DD? Did you explain calmly you were having a break? Or just leave? Because this will have a massive negative impact on her at 9 which can easily lead on to MH problems.

It sounds like there is a lot of difficult behaviour going on. Have you got to the bottom of why - because putting a DC in timeout does nothing to find out. It essentially gives the message I don't care what has made you act like that but I will force you to stop. I've never used time out but isn't it something people do with toddlers? Surely at 9 you can sit down with her and have a proper conversation. Validate what's going on for her and try and find some solutions. Good luck

Yes and I get all of that. It’s so so hard.

But, this is what parenting is about. It’s about making sure our children turn out well and not walking out when things get tough.

Show them how to behave and go home.

Your DH should be supporting you and this is the issue here - you should not feel so alone that you have to leave
Believe me I've been subject to really venomous attacks by my DD and I just wanted to teach her a lesson but I force - and it's so hard but force myself to try and give her a hug when she is so wound up she doesn't know what she's doing and I think it scares her just as much as me.
I now try to detach myself from it - see her for what she is - a scared little girl who is seeing how far she can push my love for her - she always then cries and hugs me - she is so scared at her own reaction
Try and think of it like that it really helps to put it into perspective.
She reacts to you like that because you are the person she can count on - please go home.

How can you allow your dd to think she's caused you to leave? Are you thinking this is going to cause her behaviour to improve? You're setting yourself up for this to get worse as she will feel totally insecure. What a horrible thing to do

Kid already sounds like she has mental health problems tbf.

However I'm inclined to agree that leaving her the whole night thinking her mother might have left is a bit harsh. I say call and let your husband know you are spending the night in a hotel so he can tell her you will be back in the morning.

But I'd also tell him that if he doesnt back you up in future with discipline, you will be leaving permanently. He is the problem, not the kid.

I'm sorry, but she's nine. What are you teaching her about being a grown up? No way can you leave! You may need some courses to learn how to parent her.

You have a 1 yo as well- my guess is she is trying to express that she feels she is not getting enough attention relative to the baby.

It’s hard when you have a baby to give the older ones as much as they need.

Do you have any other children?

@OhDearMuriel - storming off is hardly being in control. She is actually being taught noone is in control and that is very scary and damaging for a DC.

I’m sure you have had a terrible time with her but leaving will make her incredibly anxious , and will probably make her behaviour worse. Her brain and emotions are still very immature and she won’t think about things in the way an adult would . The only lesson you will teach her is that she can’t trust you to be there for her when she isn’t coping with her feelings - and that you run away from difficulties rather than trying to manage them. She might also feel that the baby is more important to you than she is
I am sorry though that your partner is not backing you up as it does sound as though she needs a very firm boundaried approach to some of her behaviours. Kicking isn’t acceptable and she needs to learn other ways of managing her anger. Do you understand why she is acting like this.

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Your problem is your partner.

Do not abandon your daughter. She will be distraught and this will have long term consequences on her and your relationship with her.

Just the two. Tbh her behaviour during the week is usually ok I do all parenting during the week, as DP works until 9pm. it’s the weekends that are difficult.

Hotels are still open and running with covid restrictions.

I think taking your other child was what you did wrong. Yes, he is a baby, but you've just shown your daughter who matters most to you. The baby.

And i dont understand what your dh did with the pc.

I’d be putting in place serious consequences at every single utterance you’ve described. Words are no different than actions, when they are designed to wound.

I’d be going back to toddler discipline principles (Supernanny style) but with tweaks for a 9yo. I’d say that until she remembered to speak and act like a big girl, she’d be better off out of company (in her room, etc). Toddler outbursts lead to toddler punishments.

For now, feel free to leave them to it. Find somewhere warm and calm to spend the night- enjoy the peace. You won’t be scarring anyone for life, no matter how dramatic some previous posters will have you believe.

Your DD will likely see it as an extension of natural consequences- be rude and call people names, they’ll take themselves far away from you. It’s logical- and a valuable life lesson.

That is a bad sign. it's the not being backed up that makes things worse. Your daughter knows you'll be undermined.

Are you still in your car @Satinacarpark

@DianeChambers

I think taking your other child was what you did wrong. Yes, he is a baby, but you've just shown your daughter who matters most to you. The baby.

And i dont understand what your dh did with the pc.

Have to agree that taking the baby compounds the issue Sorry to make you feel worse but once you are calm you will see