Just walked out - feel horrible and don’t know what to do

[Satinacarpark]

My DD is 9 and has spent most of today raging at me. I’ve been kicked, doors have been kicked, screaming, I hate yous and been called a demon. This is because she wouldn’t come off the computer when asked, and was given a time out. My partner never backs me up when a time out is called, or challenges her behaviour, in - what I would say - is a proactive way. After been told again this evening by my sautéed that I am the ‘most horrible evil person in the world’, I asked him to speak to her. He simply went in the room and moved his computer out. He said he was waiting until she calmed down to speak to her. But it doesn’t ‘feel’ like that - I just feel completely unsupported. So I back my things, my babies things - and left. I’m now sitting in a car park. What do I do now?

Are you and your baby somewhere safe?.I have a one year old and I'd be scared being out there in the dark alone.
A lot of judgement on this post, the OP is distressed and upset, it sounds like she has had a tough day. Trying to make her feel guilty for future MH issues is not helpful. Mums have feelings too and her daughter may be 9, but she has upset her and the mum needs space.

I agree with the common sense of @Girlzroolz
The child is safe with her father.

It won't do her any harm to realise that there is a limit to how badly you can behave.

This is a child who kicked her mother earlier in the day.

Then she’s had about 8 years of having you all to herself?

Not surprising she’s playing up a bit, it takes a while for them to be sure that you still want them after another comes along.

I would guess that you leaving with the baby will make her more worried that she’ll be cast away by you now you have another.

Not saying you mustn’t address her behaviour, but I would guess if she feels less secure she will be worse.

How does your DD learn to behave if you just walk out?

It sounds to me like the 9 year old's behaviour is to do with getting her way and not being obstructed in that in any way. nothing to do with jealousy of a baby brother.

@Coffeeandcocopops

How does your DD learn to behave if you just walk out?

Not to kick her mother?

@Someone1987

Are you and your baby somewhere safe?.I have a one year old and I'd be scared being out there in the dark alone. A lot of judgement on this post, the OP is distressed and upset, it sounds like she has had a tough day. Trying to make her feel guilty for future MH issues is not helpful. Mums have feelings too and her daughter may be 9, but she has upset her and the mum needs space.

I agree with this. I really feel for you OP, whatever has led to this it's obvious how upset you are and how much you care about your daughter.

I think you should go back to your daughter she is a child...why are you punishing and blaming her for your partner being a shit parent..

Give her the message that ds is more important to you than her....

You and your partner need to sort out how you are hoping to parent your child because currently you are both failing her......all behavior is communication...If she's playing up at the weekend its because the dynamics change and maybe she doesn't understand it..

Your dp sounds crap but u need to sort that out with him....

Still in my car! I couldn’t leave DS as DP never tends to him in the night if he wakes up, and DS only wants me. A couple of weeks ago I looked after my mum after her operation - she lives a 2 hour drive away - so DD and DS came with me. I was given permission to homeschool, and I looked after DM. It was fine, one minor outburst - but otherwise fine.

She does know how to push your bottoms and she does!
She needs boundaries, consequences, and yes your partner does need to help with consistency. She needs to be taught that those behaviours are not acceptable by both of you.
You do need to gain control of yourself OP. Storming off is not on. You are the parent.
He needs to step up to proper parenting.

I would go home. Is she at school tomorrow, have a chat with them about her behaviour.

Personally, if I was kicked. They would lose the item they're kicking me over for a while. But it sounds as if your bloke is the real problem here. Maybe if he doesn't buck up, he can bugger off.

I can’t believe you haven’t gone home.

I wonder if you’re getting a little kick out of this and hoping it’ll teach her a lesson.

It will but not the one you want.

OK so you've had a shit day after getting up too early and you've got a baby to deal with too. My dd can be like this, similar age. We got to the point of taking the door off her bedroom and she didn't get it back until she apologised and showed better behaviour for a week.

If you are still sitting in your car late on a Sunday evening with a baby I think it is time to go home and get warm. You've made a point with walking out: your dd will no doubt be scared and anxious, and your partner will too. Go back and be safe, say to all will talk more tomorrow.

Serious conversations with partner needed tomorrow about backing you up, you've got baby to deal with too. With dd, I think it's a bad age, she's heading into puberty and needs strong boundaries. It is hard op.

@iggly no - I’m just crying. I feel utterly exhausted.

You have a huge husband problem.

You seem from what you say not to have a problem when your H isn't there.

Perhaps there needs to be a conversation with him. Ask him what effect he thinks her behaviour will have on her teen and adult life.

You I imagine have bigger marriage issues than just your D if he ignores your needs and doesn't work as a team.

And like a terrible parent.

Has your dp been in contact with you?

No - nothing.

She should be in bed now so she won't know if you come back tonight or tomorrow. I would go home - it will be easier than trying to sort out the 1 year old with suitable accommodation for the night.

Deep breath, you can do this. We're holding your hand and wishing you strength 🤝

Go home and try and get some sleep. You are exhausted and your DD may be picking up on this. I is your husband that is more of the problem. Take care x

My mother used to do this and I hated it. It’s definitely tainted my ability to trust others. She’d fight with my father then roar at us children about our behaviour, storm out, screech out of the driveway and often tell us she was going to the nearby cliffs to throw herself off of them

Who do you think you were walking out on here/ your child or your boyfriend?

Go home and fix it with your dd. That’s the best option you have right now.
But be prepared, this won’t change her behaviour fundamentally. I think you have a DP problem to be honest.

You’ve had a horrible day and you need a break. I would ring home and let them know you are safe and that you need some time so will get a hotel. Your mental health is just as important as your child’s, if yours drops then so will theirs so take this time now.

Your daughter isn’t a baby so you will be able to explain that you would never abandon her etc when you see her tomorrow. I would also tell your partner that you need to sit down and agree what boundaries need to be in place and the plan you will both follow to deal with behaviour so that this is less likely to happen again.

How are you feeling now?