Just walked out - feel horrible and don’t know what to do

[Satinacarpark]

My DD is 9 and has spent most of today raging at me. I’ve been kicked, doors have been kicked, screaming, I hate yous and been called a demon. This is because she wouldn’t come off the computer when asked, and was given a time out. My partner never backs me up when a time out is called, or challenges her behaviour, in - what I would say - is a proactive way. After been told again this evening by my sautéed that I am the ‘most horrible evil person in the world’, I asked him to speak to her. He simply went in the room and moved his computer out. He said he was waiting until she calmed down to speak to her. But it doesn’t ‘feel’ like that - I just feel completely unsupported. So I back my things, my babies things - and left. I’m now sitting in a car park. What do I do now?

Oh, the poor nine-year-old, discovering that her mother is a person with boundaries. Kids can be mini tyrants.

Go home, give her a cuddle if she's still awake and discuss it tomorrow when everyone's calm. She will absolutely feel abandoned if you don't go home. I agree with the majority about finding out what us wrong because that's not normal behaviour for a 9 Yr old. You say she's ok during the week, perhaps she's picking up on tension between you and your partner. Kids are very sensitive to these things. She may well be jealous of the baby too or fear she's losing something.
We all have shit days and days when we want to walk out but by going back you are teaching her that she's worth the effort of trying to repair the relationship. The connection is in the repair. Sounds like she needs connection. Good luck op.

It is a DP/me problem. It’s not her. Thank you everyone. I’m going to go home, apologise to her and give her a cuddle.

There's no point imposing a sanction when a child is in a rage. They can't 'think' in that state. I agree your DP should back you up BUT only if you agree up ahead the best way to deal with behavioural issues. Why should he back you up if you are acting in a way to inflame your dd? Screaming and raging needs to be calmed down, then you talk about the whys and wherefores.

Also I agree you should go back. In fact you shouldn't have left. A child in an out of control rage needs to see strong parents able to cope with that.

When I was 11 or 12 my mum once walked out after a row with my dad. I felt it was my fault they rowed because my mum had asked me to do a chore but I felt unwell so asked not to. My mum asked my dad to step in and that led to the row. She drove off. It was bedtime and I worried immensely about what she might do and how it would all be my fault. I had nightmares all night. In fact she came back later and was there in the morning but it's many decades later and I've never forgotten it. Don't think these things don't stay with a child.

You are not a terrible parent, you are just at the end of your tether. Go home. Rest. Deal with your DP tomorrow.

Crossed post. I'm glad you're going home.

Can you phone home and talk to DD? Do you think she'll talk to you rationally?

If so, then call her and have a conversation where you tell her that she made you so sad and angry that you needed space to yourself or would have been really mean and you didn't want to call her names. Then talk to her about you coming back, and the two of you haveing a conversation about name-calling and why people don't do that when they love each other.

Your DP and you need to have a very serious and frank conversation. Either he's a parent who does a reasonable amount of work with both of the kids, or he isn't. He needs to decide if he wants to act like an adult and live up to his responsibilities.

Ok bearing in mind the time, your daughter is hopefully fast asleep. You should be too. I would go home and be there in the morning to explain to her how sad and upset and frustrated she has made you feel. Make time to talk to her alone before she goes to school.

What's done (ie you leaving) is done but you should be there in the morning for her. I say this as the mother of a ten year old and big age gap to his brother, also as someone whose mother used to storm out now and again. Also your DH needs a proper talking to for not supporting you before it got to the stage it did.

Do go home, for all your sakes. Sometimes a shock like this might be enough to re-set everyone but what you do next is really important.

Hi OP, please go home. Tomorrow is a new day and time to make some fundamental changes to the way you and (mainly) your husband deal with your daughter. Tell your husband you want to speak to him about how you will move forward but don’t do it tonight, try and get some sleep, have a bath and go to bed, and tell him he can do the school run and see to the baby in the morning. You need a break. Take care, everything will seem better in the morning.

Oh dear...it is hard when you feel both unsupported and your physically and verbally attacked. But you are a Mum and part of being that means loving unconditionally or at least not appearing to withdraw your love which walking out will feel like to a 9 year old.
That said she needs to learn that there are consequences for bad behaviour and actions, such as losing device or priveleges.
Please go home or if not reassure her that you still love her despite her behaviour.

My view is that you need to go home, staying away with DS compounds your existing problems with her - it shows her you may leave and in a weird way gives her some control over you via her behaviour.

Jealousy about a younger sibling can come out in lots of ways and may well be a part of it.

You are going to have to find some different ways to manage her behaviour, time out not cutting it and I think really for younger children.

DH is another problem that needs dealing with but that’s for another day.

I’d check into a hotel, eat something and go to bed.

It’s pretty poor that your DH hasn’t checked in on you.

Oh OP don't you realise that on mumsnet mothers have to be perfect all the time; react calmly and rationally in all situations, never mind the provocation, and never put a foot wrong, just like all the perfect mothers on this thread. Your needs are irrelevant and your feelings immaterial.

My mother walked out on us when we were kids, telling us she wasn't coming back. She was a single parent and we were challenging, to put it mildly. I remember being really upset (I was about 10), but it was a bit of a wakeup call. She came back about an hour later, and we were all very contrite. Children need to learn parents have feelings too. She's home with her dad, so you taking some time out is hardly the crime of the century. I do agree however that you have a DP problem.

You allow a 9 yrs old to drive you away from home? what the hell are you doing? go back , put rules and boundaries and follow them through. Forger about the DP for a minute , you need to learn how to parent your daughter , is blooming hard but can be done

You posted at the time about your mum and her op didn’t you?

I remember the post.

You've had a tough day OP from the sounds of it. Take a break and go back tomorrow and have a conversation with DD and DP.

She is 9 and should not be talking to you like that. That is not normal, emotional immaturity or okay. She needs boundaries and your DP should be actively parenting and helping you as well.

It's not the best decision leaving the way you did or her overnight without a conversation but it's done and you honestly need to regroup. You won't be any help to anyone if you yourself are not okay so take some time out for yourself tonight and deal with it in the morning

@Someone1987

Are you and your baby somewhere safe?.I have a one year old and I'd be scared being out there in the dark alone. A lot of judgement on this post, the OP is distressed and upset, it sounds like she has had a tough day. Trying to make her feel guilty for future MH issues is not helpful. Mums have feelings too and her daughter may be 9, but she has upset her and the mum needs space.

I also think that a lot of people are being too gentle on the daughter , a 9 year old probably knows exactly what she's doing. This may be the shock she needs, she needs to know that even adults have the breaking poiint.

I would ring home and let them know you are safe and that you need some time so will get a hotel

I was going to post exactly the same thing. Tell them you're safe, but also that you needed to get away after being treated like that all day. Let it sink in with DD and DH that you've reached breaking point.

You can tell them that you'll be home tomorrow, so that she doesn't feel like you've left for good. And use the time to think about what you're going to say, how and who to when you see them.

That's your house! You're in charge! Get back in there and read them both the riot act. She gets absolutely fuck all a screen time or any privileges until she learns to respect her mother. She's doing it because she gets away with it. Your DP - don't even know where to start there. What a shitebag of a man! Good luck. Get a good sleep x

@Satinacarpark

It is a DP/me problem. It’s not her. Thank you everyone. I’m going to go home, apologise to her and give her a cuddle.

Apologise for waking out. But don't apologise for having got to the point that you felt you needed to do it.

I’ve done this once before. I was on holiday and the kids had been non-stop pains continuously. Something in me snapped, I can’t even remember what, but I got up, said I was going and started walking. Then just kept walking, tears in my eyes. I was empty, I had had enough. I found somewhere to eat and even contemplated sleeping under a bush overnight. You don’t think straight nor even how much it’s upsetting everyone. I eventually walked back after a few hours. Found them and said nothing. The oldest DS (aged 8 then) was apparently distraught. I took no pleasure in that and since then he has suffered from anxiety and the fear of me leaving. Go back. You’ve made your point but I absolutely understand where you are coming from. Sometimes you just can’t take anymore

On Mumsnet for this type of post you must be the all loving, self-sacrificing martyr having unconditional love for someone who is abusing you. Cos it's a child, your child even. Then there is her father...
Good luck OP. I hope you found somewhere to stay.

A nine year old who kicks and rages at you will be a thirteen year old who does worse unless you put in some boundaries. She needs consequences not cuddles, but for tonight look after yourself and your little one. I'd have gone for the hotel, she's with her dad so she's safe and you're a person too.

I understand why you did it OP, and I don't judge you for doing it. You'd reached breaking point. Go home, tell her that her behaviour isn't acceptable and tomorrow is a new day and you want her to behave for the rest of the week, and tell her you were so upset that you had to leave the house for a while to get some space, but reassure her that you won't leave her. Then tomorrow, start again. But I think she shouldn't have anymore screen time for the rest of the week as a punishment. But it's up to you of course.