Just walked out - feel horrible and don’t know what to do

[Satinacarpark]

My DD is 9 and has spent most of today raging at me. I’ve been kicked, doors have been kicked, screaming, I hate yous and been called a demon. This is because she wouldn’t come off the computer when asked, and was given a time out. My partner never backs me up when a time out is called, or challenges her behaviour, in - what I would say - is a proactive way. After been told again this evening by my sautéed that I am the ‘most horrible evil person in the world’, I asked him to speak to her. He simply went in the room and moved his computer out. He said he was waiting until she calmed down to speak to her. But it doesn’t ‘feel’ like that - I just feel completely unsupported. So I back my things, my babies things - and left. I’m now sitting in a car park. What do I do now?

I agree with the posters raising the issue of screen time affecting behaviour. It really should be kept at a minimum, not as a punishment but for her wellbeing.
I agree with giving your DD a hug and reassuring her that she is loved but her behaviour is well out of order and there are consequences. Hope you get a good sleep tonight @Satinacarpark

I have an angel of a DD apart from when she has been playing Roblox ...she turns into a monster and is vile. Some of those games just get them hooked and they are too young to regulate their emotions so its like a bomb going off. When we can talk to her about it, at a later date, she doesn't even recognise herself. Its so sad. I would love to ban gaming but its what all her friends do...so we limit it hugely now.
Be kind to yourself tonight

Immediate priority - home, big cuddle, remind her you love her.

Priority from tomorrow - plan of action with DH that involves you being on the same page and having each other's backs

Everyone loses their patience sometimes OP and you walked away instead of it escalating further. Nobody is perfect and you did what you could cope with at the time.

Both kids are safe and you've all had time to simmer down now.

Hope you're OK and your DD too. Things always look brighter after a hug and some sleep

She was 8 when you had DS? I’m sure you’ve considered this but that is HUGE for such a young person who’s been centre of her universe and yours up to that point. Her works was rocked a year ago. Yes she lashes out at you. You’re supposed to be the one holding things together for her. She is insecure. She doesn’t hate you. She does need you. Please go home and explain when she is calm. Mummy loves you and that was a crazy thing to do but I was so tired, grown ups find it upsetting to be shouted all day long, just like you would be upset if I’d called you all kinds of horrible names...” I’m sure you’re lovely mum you have a DH problem but if you don’t go back you risk the relationship with your little girl breaking down too. Good luck.

@Satinacarpark

Still in my car! I couldn’t leave DS as DP never tends to him in the night if he wakes up, and DS only wants me. A couple of weeks ago I looked after my mum after her operation - she lives a 2 hour drive away - so DD and DS came with me. I was given permission to homeschool, and I looked after DM. It was fine, one minor outburst - but otherwise fine.

This is telling you something.

Life tends to be easier when your partner isn't involved or there.

Give that some thought.

I think you have a husband problem

Hi OP hope you are OK.

I don't think you are a bad mum but that you just reached the end of your tether. You can explain that tomorrow.

Your daughter is old enough to know that her behaviour is completely unacceptable. Letting her behave like that is horrible for you and will not be making her happy either.

I completely agree with a PP above and came on to say that too much time on the computer very likely has a lot to do with her behaviour. My son was an easy-going good-natured kid on the whole but found computer games very addictive and his reaction to being asked to stop was unacceptably aggressive. We had to limit them severely and we told him why. It made a massive difference.

I'm guessing that in a school week your DD has a lot less screen time; weekends more? Try drastically reducing it and explain it's not to punish her but because it's not good for her. Find nice calming activities instead .. craft, drawing, baking.. curling up on the sofa with you to watch a film.

Good luck

@GettingUntrapped

Mothers are so trapped sometimes. Can't leave our abusers if the are so-called innocent children. How the fuck did we get here.

Yeah right.😕, Let's label a nine year old as abusive. That's the way to sort this problem. The nine year that this woman has been bringing up since birth ... Abusive and "not innocent"... So guilty?

I despair sometimes.

OP, take a breath. Oooh. Now think how another person could manage your DD. Could DH do it? Or you? Or an aunt/uncle. Or do YOU want to be seen properly as your DC’s mum. You are her mum. Maybe take a step back and say to her: I’m here, I’m your mum, I love you, talk to me. Wait and see what she replies with. It’s hard but she might be playing out because she doesn’t see you enough in her life.Work on being with her as much as you can. Try it. Big love. ❤️

Please go home! Agree what others say. I have a daughter and we have had arguements over computer games too. Especially in the lockdown as she was vulnerable and needed the computer to get distracted. But never ever have I thought to walk out on her. I would always go to her room and give her a hug.

your dp should support you.
you need a couples counselling.

Glad you're going home. I honestly feel for you and your daughter. It seems like there's something more going on. Try to give her more time and be there for her. Kids need us no matter how old they are.

agree with others please go home and dont put yourself into this situation again.
you need a serious talk with your dh and then dd.

I think you're setting yourself up for more trouble if you apologise to your daughter after her behaviour today. Why not tell your partner to let her know you're coming back and get her to bed. Then you can say goodnight to her when you come in.

You really need to sort this out with your partner, though. He should be helping you and backing you up, not just getting out of the way.

You need to return home.

Your DD is too small to walk out on, I don't care what she has done. This is not the right way to teach her anything.

Even if you're leaving to be checked into a psych ward, she'd deserve a decent leave taking because she's your daughter and she's 9.

Why should you apologise OP? Don't do that or she'll think she's got away with her vile behaviour. She needs to learn that you have limits just like we all do. Or the next few years will be hell. She won't be "scarred for life " by a one off walkout. Maybe if it became a repeat thing but once showing you've had enough? Fair play to you and maybe she'll have a think about how she provoked that.

Talk to her, set boundaries around behaviour and screen time and give your partner a few choice words too. But do not apologise, you've nothing to apologise for.

@poptartsarefood

A nine year old who kicks and rages at you will be a thirteen year old who does worse unless you put in some boundaries. She needs consequences not cuddles, but for tonight look after yourself and your little one. I'd have gone for the hotel, she's with her dad so she's safe and you're a person too.

Go to the hotel. Your DD and you DH both need consequences. They are both old enough to realize that your behavior is a result of their behavior. Your DH won't take care of DS at night and won't back you in disciplining DD when she is in a rage. What if her lack of control develops into a rage against DS? If she will kick and hit you, why not the baby? You both need to act together and get her under control. Let him deal with it alone and maybe he will understand your point of view.

Op.

You say you are dreading the teenage years and, if you now apologise to her for the fact that she has kicked you, kicked doors and called you hideous names, then you are right to dread them.

Your DP want to stay a good daddy or a buddy. He wants to stay out of the arguments to have his DD on his side. You will be stressing out about homework, computer play time etc and you will be the evil mum of course. It's so typical.

I wouldn't be apologising to her. I'd have gone for the hotel, too and wouldn't have been rushing back in the morning. And it would be many weeks before she'd be allowed screen time again.

My mum was awful. Cold, unloving, manipulative, physically and emotionally abusive. But even given all that the worst memories of my childhood are the times she said we had pushed her so hard she was going to leave. She never did it but I still remember the terror the thought of losing her evoked. She was a completely shit mum but she was also the only mum I had.

I’m so glad you have decided to go home. Hug your DD and love her as hard as you can. She will never be as little and loving as she is today. Don’t waste it.

It sounds like she’s disrespecting you, just like your partner does to be honest.

It’s probably extremely confusing for her now that you’ve left her but haven’t left him.

She will never be as little and loving as she is today. Don’t waste it

Did you not read the OP?

I’ve been kicked, doors have been kicked, screaming, I hate yous and been called a demon. This is because she wouldn’t come off the computer when asked, and was given a time out.

told again this evening...that I am the ‘most horrible evil person in the world’

Hardly 'little and loving' is it? Nine is old enough to understand that this isn't on - she'd not get away with it at school.

The DD will not be traumatised forever by this - perhaps it will do her good to see that DM has her limits. It will do DH some good to deal with this himself, rather than passing the buck.

27 minutes is not a long time. If you have an explosive child who finds regulating difficult (gets very upset) then you need to find different strategies for dealing with it. My son has been like this. We try not to talk to him when everyone is upset, but let him and ourselves calm down, say sorry and talk later. She needs to know her anger is wrong and she has to work on it, but those conversations are much better had when everyone is calm and not in the middle of the storm. You and your partner need to get on the same page - there's a good book called the explosive child which you can listen to together on audible. My oh and i did this and it was very helpful.

Good luck with it...

I really do feel for you OP. I have sat in many a car park for similar reasons, but after a while, Inhave always gone back. It is really hurtful,for you, and even more so because your DP does not back you up. Leave it for tonight, return home, have a relaxing bath, focus on yourself and leave your daughter to stew. Children rarely have a clue at how much hurt and pain their words cause a parent, I have gone through years of this sort of behaviour from a teenage DD.. Your DD is only 9. If you do not come to a resolution and consistent joint parenting, believe me, it will get a lot worse. And you will become exhausted, desperate and depressed. There are many books that can help you, I recommend one that is called something like 'I hate you, but can I have lift to the shops first'. Be strong and know that ofcourse, she does not mean the things she says.