Accused of cheating - beginning of Relationship

[Lalata]

Hi everyone, I met a great guy About a month ago. He brings me flowers, open doors, he is very affectionate and really into me. I like him a lot too. However, last time I saw him he wasn’t as affectionate as he usually is so I send him a message later on asking if he is ok and his reply was that he is very sorry, but he has a feeling I cheated. And that it’s probably irrational and it’s his insecurities, but he is not sure he can get over it. I’m shocked. I didn’t cheat of course. What now? It’s so strange! We will talk about it tonight as he is coming for dinner. But I’m kind of freaked out

Even if it is real-he has issues

I would second this point. Whether he is deliberately testing you or he actually does have a feeling deep down that you've cheated - neither is good news. Genuine insecurity is horrible to feel, but if that's what he's going through, he needs to do some work on himself to find out why it's happening, and you don't want to be in a relationship with him while he's doing that. If he's this insecure this soon, he's not going to be Mr Secure within a couple of months. He has serious work to do.

Please let us know you're ok OP

He clearly hasn't the confidence to have a relationship with you.
He felt threatened by the other man winking at you and realised this could be shape of things to come.

Thats ok for him to relise he may be punching above his weight but to accuse you of having an affair after a month is not on.

Throw him back op and find someone who is more compatible.
He will forever need pacifying, and that could lead to him into controlling you.

So yes, red flag.

Are you ok OP? Hope so

I haven't read all the replies OP so sorry if I'm repeating but this is incredibly worrying. There are massive flags with regards to potential abuse here, and I strongly urge you to end it now before anything progresses. If you don't want to leave, I strongly suggest you submit a claires law application as soon as possible. I work in this field and see first hand how many women find out their new loey boyfriend who buys them gifts and spoils them has previous for battery and coercive behaviors. Please do it.

Sorry for typos feeding a baby!

Massive red flag - he has no basis for that accusation, and it’s a sign that he’s laying the foundations for controlling your behaviour. I would be shocked if he wasn’t doing this as a means of making you change the way you behave or act to appease him.

This would be the end of it for me - I wouldn’t stick around with someone who made unfounded accusations and was standoffish because of something he imagined.

I hope you are OK OP and he is long gone.

A) he is lovebombing you and now manipulating you
B) you said you won't let a redflag slip through, but you absolutely are
C) he doesn't exactly sound like a catch. You feel you "should" see him. I don't think you're that keen on him anyway.
D)just to reiterate, this is all red flag territory. You have dozens of women warning you. I hope you listen.

Ok, you are already making excuses for him. Good luck, see you back here when you are wondering how to deal with his abuse. You won't run then either because you love him, have children, no money or friends and family left.

He is still coming over but I’m not making dinner. And I will make it as short as possible. I will want him to explain himself and apologise

Why?
Why do you want him to explain and apologise?

Why the need for talking?

If he apologises and gives you an explanation will you continue to see him again?

No idea why you think that just because he is punching in your opinion above his weight means he is going to be grateful and not manipulative.
I know a few people who are overweight/obese and are really ugly but have strings of gfs/bfs or wives/husbands who look amazing.
Just because in your opinion he is too ugly to date doesn’t mean he doesn’t have his fair share of women after him

After all you are still going out with him even after he tells you that he feels you have been cheating on him which should have meant an immediate break up.

Would love to hear how the conversation went last night?

I hope you're okay?

I bet you a cup of coffee in a closed coffee shop that they had a night of deep conversations and now she feels like she is the only woman who can rescue him. She is so special, he is so damaged but has a heart of pure gold underneath it all. People just don't understand. Anyway, she could never become abused because she is strong. Abused women are weak.

This is the way it starts. They find the women with codependent traits, put her on the rescuer pedestal and she laps it up because it feels so gooood. At first. Until it feels terrible after she has been gradually weakened.

Not really sure if most ppl wpuld be able to go 'I'm not happy with your explanation for your behaviour earlier, so please leave my home'. So I suspect, op will have grudgingly accepted what ever backtracking he did, continued to hang and perhaps even let him sleep over.

Now she will either be thinking 'I'll brush it under the carpet but keep an eye out for further red flags going forwards' or 'oh dear what have I done, I think that was a mistake, I'm really not actually ok with the way he acted at all. How did I let him talk me into letting it go?'.

Hope you're ok op. Remember you can tell him to sling his hook at any point. You're well in your prerogative no matter what to go 'actually, I've rethought and I'm not ok with your words the other day, wish you all the best but...I'm out'.

@walksonthebeach

Would love to hear how the conversation went last night?

Probably how he's so sorry, she's so great, can't believe someone as fab as her would want him, something about being scared, never felt like this, it'll never happen again, so lucky, another chance, too good to walk away, connection between us, etc etc.

I just hope the op didn't fall for whatever shit he was peddling

I think a reason laying blame is rarely a good idea in a break up. Far better to say something like "This isn't working for me. No hard feelings. Hope you find someone who is a good fit for you. Bye x"

@Lalata I know you don't owe us anything but just for those of us a bit worried you might have had a shit night last night, if you get a chance to let us know you're ok or if you need some support / advice, we are here

Just wanted to let you know I had a date with him. He was apologising that he has a very low self esteem and was feeling down. I basically decided to end it. Just hoping I didn’t lose a nice guy.

Well done. You definitely didn't lose a nice guy.

Nope, he’s not a nice guy so don’t worry about that. Ridiculous way to behave out of nowhere.

@Lalata
Those of us who have low self esteem and have been cheated on know to tread carefully with new relationships.

I have huge trust issues after my husband had numerous emotional affairs over 17 years but with my new guy if i worry he is cheating, i give my head a wobble and distract myself.

I would never confront him unless i had evidence because i know my thoughts are not rational due to my history.

If your new guy - now ex cant keep a lid on his irrational thoughts then he isnt a lovely guy.
No one needs a partner who accuses them of things they havent done with no evidence.

My ex husband had low self esteem and depression and to make himself feel better he had emotional affairs for the ego boost, I'm not saying all men do that but quite a few do.

The thing is my ex husband and I divorced because he cheated with many many people throughout the relationship - found videos and pics. So it should be me being anxious with trust issues . I do worry but would never accused anyone without proof. Thank you everyone - I blocked him as well so he can’t talk me into getting back together

You disnt lose. Nice guy at all. He blamed you for his behaviour a month in! And he says he has low self esteem as a way to justify crappy behaviour.

You had a lucky escape

Well done @lalata, you've dodged a bullet there!