Older men are pissing me off.

[Meruem]

I had given up on dating but met a guy through a friend, he seemed ok so I thought fine I’ll give him a chance. I wish I hadn’t bothered.

It’s just been the same pattern. After some time of thinking maybe we get on I get the old “my ex wife was so vanilla in bed” ignoring the fact that the ex wife left them because maybe they were a useless man child or whatever else was the issue. Suddenly they were the ones who were so unsatisfied with their sex life, even though they’d have stayed in the marriage if they could.

Suddenly I am meant to turn myself into porn star extreme to try and “catch” a man that another woman has rejected for. being a useless partner. Honestly, is this all there is? I genuinely don’t know why I interrupted my happy single life to waste time on another msrrisge reject with porn fantasies.

I feel pretty dejected right now.

Agree OP. Somewhere along the line their views have become warped and they think there is better sex out there and that they will be happier as long as they are getting this better sex. Not sure this stands up to scrutiny. They may be happy in the short term but there is a whole lot more to a good relationship than sex. Unfortunately though sex seems to be their priority.

My brother became obsessed with sex above every other aspect of his marriage in his 40s. He didn’t value what he had and told his lovely wife he ‘wanted more’ and ‘felt other people were getting what he wanted sexually’. It became a way of putting her down and making himself out to be a victim. He has had three relationships since and is unhappier than ever. He wants it all.

There will be a lot of older men living on their own in years to come.

My bloke voiced this when we first got together. Then when it became very obvious that I was more experienced than him AND more highly sexed/adventurous, he didn't like it. Made comments about 'the variety of positions getting ever more weird' etc. It's all in their heads. Very sad really.

Sadly my ex-DH had no shortage of women offering him rough sex and threesomes towards the end of our marriage. He was 57 and downing Viagra as though it was going out of fashion.

This thread is such an eye-opener. My "d"h decided in April
that I wasn't giving him what he wanted sexually and started "talking" to women online. Nicely played, at the beginning of lockdown which means he was furloughed, then made redundant so I've had to see far too much of him. Wish I could kick him out but it's complicated (ds with SEN). So utterly pissed off.

@Octopus17 where did he find them?

@differentname this is probably very simplistic and know the whole ‘rough sex’ desire is complex but younger women into the scene often attracted to older men in this regard because of the power dynamics that come with the age difference.

And depending what the bloke tells them the younger women can feel empowered they can get an older bloke off unlike their wives etc.

The kink scene is full of fucked up women and narcissistic entitled men too eager for each other and porn really feeds into this. Especially the current top trends on popular being taboo stuff step father, teen etc.

Porn is damaging not just to men but the women who recreate it and think that it’s normal too.

@differentname At work and through his tennis club. Little chats at the water cooler and during tournaments somehow progressed to conversations about relationships and sex. I know for a fact that my ex didn’t initiate the sex conversations but it started a spiral of him becoming very dissatisfied with our sex life and feeling that other women (who had been very explicit about sex) would give him more. My brother did the same to his wife.

so much of modern day relationships seem to be built entirely around a woman's wants and expectations

Lol.

@differentname I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s awful. They start thinking they have ‘missed out’ and deserve more. Mid-life crisis. Unfortunately while they are going through this there seem to be plenty of women quite happy to oblige whether via webcams or in real life. There is nothing you can do, that’s the sad part.

They always have a high opinion of themselves, like they are lowering their standards when they should have a porn star/model despite the podgy bellies and small willies!

God yes this 🙄

Men are fucking gross

Thank you. I am so pissed off, I put up with his many shortcomings but thought we had pulled together as a team and then this happened and I'm utterly trapped - and the breadwinner as the cherry on top!!

Sorry to derail the thread!!

A woman I work with had a similar experience recently with an older man she met online. He was charming on paper and they chatted online for what she thought was looking enough to get the gist of him, but after their first date he ended up on a mission to totally humiliate her in bed. Thankfully she had the nerve to up and leave him unsatisfied.

If I find myself single, I think I'll just resign myself to it.

@differentname You are not alone. I too thought my DH and I were a team despite our struggles. Unfortunately he was struggling with getting older...not a struggle I shared...and I think sex-related talk with other women offered him excitement and hope. He loved the fact these women seemed to ‘want’ him and were boosting his fragile ego. I guess he was boosting theirs too.

A lengthy marriage with all the usual ups and downs of real life and its responsibilities struggled to compete with young women sending him very sexually explicit messages about what they were going to do with him and what they wanted him to do with them...especially when there’s a very fragile ego involved.

All this made him dissatisfied with me and he started to become very demanding sexually...obviously checking whether I would give him what these other women were promising him and becoming angry when I didn’t. In his mind he had started to equate love only with sex. He actually told me that he felt these women loved him more because they wanted rough sex and threesomes with him. So he manages to justify it all by convincing himself that I didn’t love him because if I did love him I would want those things. And everyone else is doing these things bar me.

It can make you feel as though it’s you who is wrong or inadequate. Luckily my self esteem is strong enough to challenge that.

Know your worth. This is their issue, their ego, something they need to work out. You don’t need to be part of that.

@Octopus17 you describe it exactly, that's totally it. Apparently every other woman would want this... based on the fact someone on the internet said they wanted it!
The worst thing about it is that I'm so trapped. Freeing myself would mean breaking ds's heart, and making my own life so much harder, having to be sole carer

@differentname I’m so sorry you find yourself in this situation. I know I felt my DH had confused fantasy with reality because even if he could get this adventurous sex from other people, while it might temporarily meet his sexual needs it might not necessarily meet his need for a solid, stable relationship and home comforts. It’s easy for them to crave excitement while they are sat in your joint home with their home comforts, children and a wife that contributes equally (or more in your case) to the household. Not quite so exciting when they are on their own and women promising them sexual excitement actually turn out to be not quite what they thought.

Initially I tried to raise my offer but then thought, no, he has moved the goalposts to a place which I don’t like. Because his ego is fragile he is trying to manipulate mine.

@differentname Is he still talking to women online? Start planning or at least mentally detaching yourself. He can still have your DS half the time and can you look into options around child care (can social services help you here in terms of funding?). Obviously I don’t know how complicated your DS’s needs are but if you are living with and paying for your DH the least he can do is stop communicating with women online. Unless one of these women wants to ‘keep’ him and pay for him as well as sexually excite him of course in which case she’s welcome.

@Octopus17 as far as I know he has stopped though I'm not looking for evidence because in a way I can't be bothered. I don't even want to compete or get him to "pick me"
This is quite vindictive but I'd want him to go out there to find out that there is no woman out there who offers all that I offer plus the sex he wants.
I keep mulling the childcare situation over but not sure yet what I'll
do

@IJustWantSomeBees

so much of modern day relationships seem to be built entirely around a woman's wants and expectations

Lol.

That's my experience.

Absolutely @differentname . If he thinks he can get everything he needs and wants elsewhere then fine, good luck to him. He’ll soon realise that it doesn’t exist.

My brother is in this situation. He left his strong, independent wife for a relationship based on ‘adventurous sex’. He acted like he had won the lottery and rubbed his wife’s nose in it congratulating himself on the fact that a woman nearly half his age was interested in him and willing to indulge in porn sex. Within six months the adventurous sex stopped and he was left with a girlfriend who was incredibly needy, didn’t work and expected him to look after her. He left everything for that. His lovely home, their nice lifestyle, a wife who really cared about him and was his equal. He suffers from depression now which is affecting all aspects of his life.

Yes, a big proportion of women who will indulge in “dirty chat” have no intention on following through. The ones that do `tend to use sex to hook a guy but there’s no substance to the relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I am all for women being empowered, enjoying the type of sex they like. And I make no judgements on someone who enjoys what we’re calling porn style. But the women who do enjoy it are unlikely to sleep with every random, middle aged, balding, pot bellied man they meet online! I’d wager that a good 95% + of women are not sitting around dying for dick pics to masturbate over! Yet we’re treated as if we are. Men have asked me “do you want to watch me cum” um, no, I’d rather sit and watch paint dry!

I suppose I am more disparaging of the older ones because they are well able to remember a time without internet porn. This “vanilla” sex they had with their wives wasn’t vanilla, it was sex. The type of sex most people were having. Most of these men didn’t know they had the fantasies they had until they saw it on screen and decided they wanted it. And yes somewhere it’s warped their brains into thinking all women want it too.

And why shouldn't it, stout? Women are 50% of a relationship. A good woman cares about her man's needs. But that doesn't mean accepting degrading and violent sex against her will.

As you can see from the very many women who have posted here, we would rather be single than accept that.

Good luck picking from the tiny minority of women that do want that. I hope you're an adonis, because the 2% (or less) of women that do want it can have their pick of men and old, grey, fat and balding probably aren't on their list of desirable qualities.

The fact that so many of these men spend so much time on internet dating sites seems to indicate that they have to devote a significant amount of time to searching for this elusive woman who won't care about them being older, unattractive and interested in having porn style sex with them.

It does lessen their chances of finding a very attractive, solvent woman, because the majority of women find them something to be both avoided and pitied.

I know quite a few men in my local town to avoid because of their reputations for shagging around (no idea if they want porn sex or not but I don't want a man whose been everywhere). I had to tell one of them to leave me alone and point out exactly why I wasn't interested in him, because he started pestering me the minute he found out I was single.

I just think its a shame. These men must have been nice men in their twenties once, with their whole lives ahead of them. To think they've descended into sleazy figures of fun scouring internet dating sites and pestering women who wouldn't go near them in a million years is kind of tragic. Having no sort of life plan is usually indicative that something is wrong in terms of personality.

tbh it makes me admire men who do actually have the ability to fall in love and set aside instant personal gratification for other things in life.

Can anyone explain what is meant by pornsex expectations that these men bring to the bedroom?

Actually I have read it all now and have a clearer picture - my friend has just met someone internet dating who is all about her pleasure in the bedroom and I've been feeling pretty envious listening to her - reading this I will be telling her how lucky she is as clearly it's the exception on the rule!