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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What to think? Affair?

386 replies

Boorosie · 23/11/2020 21:47

So, i am in a state of utter confusion. My husbands email was open on joint laptop and i noticed an order placed earlier today with Lovehoney. To be delivered to a different address about 5 miles away tomorrow. We have not had a sexual relationship for a few years so i am 100% sure i am not the intended recipient. All seems.a.bit surreal and i have never for one second beleive my husband capable of infidelity, bit i dont honestly.know wjat else to think.any thoughts other than the glaringly obvious? 😪

OP posts:

babbaloushka · 01/02/2021 13:33

I'm confused, where were the first orders sent to?

Banana0pancakes · 01/02/2021 13:37

He must think you're an idiot OP.

If he was blackmailed surely he'd have evidence of it?
Why would he change all passwords if he wasn't cheating?
What's his explanation for the ones in March?

I think you need to make a list of questions to unpick his lies.

YouKnowNothingJonSnow1 · 01/02/2021 13:42

The blackmailing story is shit. Put up with this if you will but he’s definitely lying and most likely cheating.

oakleaffy · 01/02/2021 13:45

@Boorosie

Oh Boorosie...What a gut puncher.

If you and he haven't been having sex for years.....Chances are he is getting his gratification elsewhere.

Could it be a ''Sybian for men''? {like a glorified milking machine?} or similar?

He'd not be able to use that in your house, hence other address?

feellikeanun · 01/02/2021 13:48

Well done on keeping quiet for so long. I would have been in there like a bull in a China shop.
Tell him you know about the March ones. He will likely shit himself.

Ginfennelrosemary · 01/02/2021 13:50

I’m sorry OP this doesn’t sound likely or convincing. Very difficult to trust someone again.

Can you see a future without him? Possibly even with someone else?

oakleaffy · 01/02/2021 13:54

@Boorosie
Have just read all your replies..

It sounds so implausible...the ''Blackmail'' thing.

He is surely lying.

A male friend said ''Sex will pull a man further than gunpowder can blow him'' , and it seems to be true.

Why else would men be unfaithful and leave families and homes?

Sex.

It is a driving need in many people, especially men.

I'd suspect a workmate.

My ex DH whom I thought ''Would never be unfaithful'' was..... and is now on his third marriage!

Serendipity79 · 01/02/2021 13:59

OP I feel really awful for you. That to me sounds like a terribly elaborate lie that's been made up. I mean honestly - who on earth would black mail someone into making orders on for them on a sex toy website - their orders all come in plain brown boxes so no one knows what is in them or where they are from!

I've been lied to very badly and the biggest thing that struck me when listening to the final lie was "Wow you actually have so little respect for me that you would spout this nonsense and expect me to accept it as the truth" - that's where you need to get to, as this story he's spun you is a fairytale!

Henio · 01/02/2021 13:59

The half smile when you asked him and the fact he knew you knew something I find really weird and creepy, ill eat my foot if he's not having an affair or buying these toys for another woman

Icloud54 · 01/02/2021 14:04

Please don't say you actually believe what he said? Must be the worst made up story I've heard

oakleaffy · 01/02/2021 14:08

[quote MMmomDD]@BawJaws

Unfortunately this isn’t how it works for most marriages when sex dissapears.
More often than not - there are some sort of relationship issues/resentments or loss of libido after kids that lead to reduction of frequency, that eventually snowballs to a complete breakdown of intimacy.
And then one of the partner feels increasingly worse about it, and more arguments lead to a further vicious cycle.
So - by the time the problem is entrenched - and by a few years it is - there is not much ‘adult discussion of the current situation’ that is possible.
So - people either resort to sneaking around or leave.

I am sorry OP. Not what you want to hear right now.[/quote]
This writ large.

So often how things disintegrate.

Communication early on may prevent this downward spiral, but often one doesn't realise until it is too late, when things have got out of hand and recovery less likely.

Original poster

Boorosie · 01/02/2021 14:12

@SortingItOut.. he's saying the guys family have a few houses and went to one of them?( the more I write the less plausible its sounding) @babbaloushka the first 2 orders were ordered to be delivered to local post offic, both if which he collected( i had the tracking number from emails)
@serendipity79 ill be honest I was listening to him, looking at him thinking..really.....this is really what your telling me ?
Thankyou all so much , I am feeling more in control with read comment. I suppose a reason for making him order the items would be that , the other guy has a joint account and didn't want wife to know?
I'm not making excuses, just trying to be prepared for every possible reason that comes out of his mouth.
@oakleaffy the items are not for him as such h, they were for a woman, and also for 2 people 2 use together

OP posts:

CuteBear · 01/02/2021 14:16

@Boorosie We have not had a sexual relationship for a few years

Why have you not had sex in years? How long has it been? If he was unhappy then he should have separated from you. There’s no excuse to cheat.

CodMouth · 01/02/2021 14:31

So a man had the opportunity to blackmail a colleague and rather than getting money, drinks at the pub, lunches and/or dumping his workload onto your husband his demands are a sex toy, for a woman.

He’s lying through his teeth and no explanation for the two previous toy orders.

oakleaffy · 01/02/2021 14:32

@Boorosie

It must be such a shock to have discovered these emails.

When my DH was unfaithful, what hurt just as much were the ridiculous lies.

My dad was the one who thought DH was having an affair, and laid out all the 'Evidence'

It was Christmas, and we were at my parent's house.

DH was supposedly visiting his parents ''On his own''....

a few miles away... He wasn't there.

Dad took DH's milometer reading...

It had 280 miles in the clock rather than the 32 it should have had.

DH who ''Hated walking'' went out for numerous walks on his own {To phone OW} &c...

KatherineJaneway · 01/02/2021 14:50

Sorry, I wouldn't believe a word of that story.

Original poster

Boorosie · 01/02/2021 14:52

@oakleaffy thanks, this is where I fall down as the email receipts for the orders are the only evidence I have. We share a car, his work van is tracked. I can't come up with anything else.

OP posts:

itwaseverthus · 01/02/2021 15:26

Quite aside from the 'blackmail', your marriage is sexless and your dh doesn't confide in you about serious work issues. There is no relationship worth hanging on to here it seems to me.

Icloud54 · 01/02/2021 15:28

Could you check his phone? Did you ask him why he reset his passwords? Could he have a secret phone? Checked bank statements?

rosesarered2021 · 01/02/2021 15:39

It's all a load of nonsense.

My ex h was one of those men who everyone in the world assumed would never have an affair. My mum used to say "I'd eat my hat if HE ever had an affair". Needless to say, my mother is still choking on her hat!

The lie your husband is telling you is utterly ridiculous. Personally, I would say to him "I know all the details, so just be honest with me and tell me the truth". Then look at his reaction!

Outbutnotoutout · 01/02/2021 17:14

I thought it went to a mobile home place.

He is talking shit, he is having an affair

He has changed all his passwords, hardly the actions of an innocent man.

Tell him you know all about it.....look at him and don't say another word.

Original poster

Boorosie · 01/02/2021 18:57

What a mess..how did this actually happen. I feel so confused. I don't truly believe his story, but he is walking around so mopey, that I think there must be a half truth in it somewhere and what sort of horrible wife am.i if I don't believe him and it is actually true? I think , the very face that he has allowed me to think for 3 months that he may have been having an affair, that I am entitled to ask him for proof of his story... there must be something , texts, emails,. If someone from work was blackmailing me I'd be keeping proof in case I needed it in future! Then , once he can prove/disprove ill work out what to say about March orders. I feel I would be showing all of my hand by asking him about those before I have given him many opportunities to volunteer lithe info( which surely if it was all innocent you would?)
Sorry if I'm rambling, really grateful for all your opinions and advice

OP posts:

RileyG73 · 01/02/2021 20:20

"what sort of horrible wife am I ....." please read what you've just written. Don't allow him to turn this into YOU who is a shit spouse

louise4754 · 01/02/2021 20:45

You know these websites don't show the item on the box. They are discrete. If he wanted something this badly he could have ordered it to his home or work or to one of his many homes. Is the "guy" having an affair or is it supposed to be for him and his wife to use?

louise4754 · 01/02/2021 20:46

Also his first the house fit in?

The first two orders he collected from the post office. Then I thought you said the 3rd was ordered to a holiday home. Is this the same house that's now for sale?

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