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Original poster

What to think? Affair?

386 replies

Boorosie · 23/11/2020 21:47

So, i am in a state of utter confusion. My husbands email was open on joint laptop and i noticed an order placed earlier today with Lovehoney. To be delivered to a different address about 5 miles away tomorrow. We have not had a sexual relationship for a few years so i am 100% sure i am not the intended recipient. All seems.a.bit surreal and i have never for one second beleive my husband capable of infidelity, bit i dont honestly.know wjat else to think.any thoughts other than the glaringly obvious? 😪

OP posts:
spidermomma · 06/01/2021 03:00

If it's to a caravan park op this is so possible
I have a caravan and their was a lady in her 50s facing an she was a prostitute, men were in and out all day and night, as for parcels they used to go to the shop sn we would collect

Don't actually know what your husband is doing though ?? You need to confront him about that xx

MusicalTrifleMonkey · 06/01/2021 03:24

@Fudgsicles

You have a celibate marriage, what were you expecting the outcome of this to be?
So....what? She has to give him sex otherwise he will have an affair and she has to accept that.

How ridiculous. Drag yourself out of the 1950s and stop shaming the woman. You don’t know the context and lack of sex doesn’t mean infidelity is acceptable. It should be a discussion leading to staying together in a sexless marriage or moving on or whatever else they decide. An affair is not an acceptable outcome because you don’t put out.

OP you are not to blame here. I would be having a chat with your DH and getting to the bottom of this ASAP. Are you happy together?

MusicalTrifleMonkey · 06/01/2021 03:29

It’s ridiculous the woman shaming on this post. The OP hasn’t said ‘I dont want to have sex’ she said they haven’t had sex for a few years. There could be a myriad of reasons for this. Why do people automatically blame the OP for this?

EpochTime · 06/01/2021 09:32

@Boorosie

Hi all, thanks for all your replies, good and bad. Been a while for a reply as been trying to do some digging. It appears another few orders were made way back in March, ordered for delivery to local post office and collected by husband. Other than this is have found out no more, so in brief, 3 orders of adult sex toys, 2 collected by husband, one special delivery to another address... tracked it and was signed for. A few days after first post all passwords were changed so I have not come across anything else. I have been biting my tongue in the hope I could confront him with more than just the emails as i don't understand how/when he could ever have the time to see anyone else.. he is either at work or at home..thats it! totally get everyone saying of course he would look for sex elsewhere, believe me , I wouldn't mind a bit myself. However I have always been of the belief that if either of us were unhappy with how things were then it should end.. NEVER be unfaithful. As things stand now I have to know what has/is happening., and ill take it from there.
What happened to the parcels he collected? If he's not getting them sent to someone's private address that presumably means the intended recipient is not in a position to receive them? So does that mean that the intended recipient does not live alone?
PussGirl · 06/01/2021 10:05

I have been biting my tongue in the hope I could confront him with more than just the emails as i don't understand how/when he could ever have the time to see anyone else.. he is either at work or at home..that's it!

People find time if they want to.

I think you have enough with which to confront him, even though he'll most likely come up with excuses / denials.

The important thing though is what you decide to do after that.

Ithinkim · 06/01/2021 10:12

I would ask him.

Original poster
Boorosie · 06/01/2021 17:33

The address on most recent order is a house that is currently on market, and looking at the online pics it appears to belong to someone older than our age group. Id say an elderly ish person..we are in 40s. Havent been able to actually go there, but I think as soon as restrictions allow I will have to. Yes, I do wonder where the items are/would be, he collected from posy office on the way home from work looking at the time of pick up on tracking info so were in his possession for some time at least. I guess yep, maybe the intended recipient is not in a position to receive delivery.
I can longer access anything other than my emails as he changed all login and password details.
I will speak with him, I fear now, that as I have known since November, he has had time to come up with stories/excuses . I do feel like he knows i am suspicious otherwise why change all your passwords?
Thanks for all sticking with me,/ supporting this whole sorry saga, wasn't ever expecting would be dealing with this and so unsure of how to broach the whole subject And be prepared for what answers ..if any( expecting flat out denial...or a very plausible excuse...maybe getting for a friend ?) Can anyone think of any other reasons?

OP posts:
minmooch · 06/01/2021 18:06

Can you not sit down with him and say it's time to talk? That you know he's bought sex toys and even though you thought the celibacy was a mutual decision things have obviously changed. Do you want to stay with him? Do you want to rekindle that aspect of your married life? Would you be open to having an open relationship? Do you want out?

Work out what you want from your relationship and try and find a way to achieve this.

I would not expect my partner to live in a sexless marriage, unless there was a physical/mental/illness that had changed things dramatically.

For a relationship to work with no sex it has to be a mutually accepted. It seems like your DH may not be as accepting of this as you thought.

Good luck with your discussions.

combatbarbie · 06/01/2021 18:39

If it walks like a duck and it quacks like a duck...

He knows you know hence the password changes. Do you have separate bank accounts.... If you don't, how is he paying for them?

Original poster
Boorosie · 01/02/2021 12:23

Sorry, been hard trying to find time to talk during lockdown with a child in the house.
So I finally last night confronted him on the seastoy order from November( he is unaware I know of 2 other orders made in March)
He did not seem at all surprised when I asked, and simply gave a half smile and said OK if you want to know ill tell you.
This is a very condensed version
He proceeded to tell me that he made a mistake In work, that was possibly a sackable offence and one of his colleagues knew about it and blackmailed him into placing this order for him.
I asked him when the work thing happened, thinking maybe this guy was blackmailing him for longer, explaining march orders, but he said October. I questioned whether he had made any other orders for this guy.. he said no.
I asked about the work mistake and he says he thinks its all blown over.
I asked about this guy, and he says hasn't heard from him since Christmas time so he thinks its the end of it.
I asked him why he didn't seem at all surprised when i confronted him, and he said i knew you knew something , I've been waiting for you to ask! To that I replied, so you knew I had seen a potentially marriage destroying email and you kept quiet , letting me think the worst for 4 months?..why??.. his response was simply ," too late now"
He had been unable to look at me when I'm.talking to him about it, which makes me think he's lying , but also he seems genuine when he says its been hard dealing with it. I've told him I'm.sorry he had to deal with it all alone, and he could of told me... his response was," why would i" to which i replied " why wouldn't you?
So i guess my next question is , do i to tell him, again I'm sorry he had to deal with this, but something doesn't seem 100% true, and is there anymore he wants to tell me, or somehow be able to prove it is a true story? Or do I just believe him?
Sorry for any spelling mistakes..in a rush I between work emails

OP posts:
Hollanda40 · 01/02/2021 12:37

I don't think I'd believe that story. It sounds too convoluted. I'd ask what the mistake was at work and exactly who this person is who was blackmailing him. His reaction sounds suss. :(

Original poster
Boorosie · 01/02/2021 12:40

@Hollanda40.. he did go into detail, told me the mistake, where and when it happened, and who the person is. I really can't tell what is true and what is not, and after 20 years together that worries me.

OP posts:
SortingItOut · 01/02/2021 12:44

@Boorosie
Definitely not the truth, ordering sex toys is no longer taboo and if you wanted to blackmail someone surely you'd demand money or something of monetary gain otherwise whats the point.

You dont have to do either of those options, you could lie low for a while and see what happens while also getting your ducks in a row so if the worst happens you are prepared.

SortingItOut · 01/02/2021 12:45

@Boorosie
Too much detail is a sign of lying as well as its like he planned the story.

Outbutnotoutout · 01/02/2021 12:48

Its bollocks

Did you go to the address?
I bet a woman lives there

Original poster
Boorosie · 01/02/2021 12:59

@SortingItOut apparently the person blackmailing is married and gave husband money to cover the order ?? @outbutnotoutout no, I never did go to the house, all I can tell you this is its still on the market and looks like an older person's house.
To be honest I've been laying low since November and 8 just want/need to know for sure whats going on...if anything
But at the moment I feel likenits all an elaborate story🥲

OP posts:
BumBurnerBum · 01/02/2021 13:03

Doesn't explain the orders in March does it?

Santaiscovidfree · 01/02/2021 13:03

I would go and knock on the door.

BTW old people also shag!

EKGEMS · 01/02/2021 13:04

If you believe that I've got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you

Torres10 · 01/02/2021 13:05

Never heard such a crock of crap story in my life..

SecondStageIgnition · 01/02/2021 13:15

I don't believe his story. He suspected you were onto him so he's had a while to dream up a cover story in case you questioned him.
They can be convincing, even after 20 years. You think you know someone and you don't know them as well as you think sometimes.

I wouldn't put too much into the pictures of the house seeming like it has older occupants. The pics may have been taken, then the occupants moved out and entered into a short-term let with someone. Is there any way of finding out if it's been let for the period you're looking at? Phone the estate agents maybe?

YouKnowNothingJonSnow1 · 01/02/2021 13:25

Well if my husband got a love honey (or similar) delivered to a different address I’d instantly think affair. The boxes come discreet (states so on the website too!) so it’s not likely to be anything to rekindle your sexless marriage.

I’d track the order when it’s out for delivery and wait to see if he picks it up, if he doesn’t it’s obvious it’s went to another woman who lives there. If he does pick it up, follow him to see where he takes it.

I think the marriage is quite obviously dead in the water due to the celibacy, but he should leave instead of disrespecting you.

SecondStageIgnition · 01/02/2021 13:26

@Boorosie what happened about the local chalet park which you originally thought it was going to?

Lovelyjubbly78 · 01/02/2021 13:31

That’s a nonsense story. As pp said what’s the rationale for march orders? He’s also lied saying no more orders
Does he have any texts or proof of this person blackmailing him?

SortingItOut · 01/02/2021 13:33

I still dont understand the blackmailing, its not really blackmail if the colleague gave him the money to buy the stuff- that sounds like a favour.

Is your husband saying the address it went to is his friends house?
Because that makes even less sense.