What to think? Affair?

[Boorosie]

So, i am in a state of utter confusion. My husbands email was open on joint laptop and i noticed an order placed earlier today with Lovehoney. To be delivered to a different address about 5 miles away tomorrow. We have not had a sexual relationship for a few years so i am 100% sure i am not the intended recipient. All seems.a.bit surreal and i have never for one second beleive my husband capable of infidelity, bit i dont honestly.know wjat else to think.any thoughts other than the glaringly obvious? 😪

take a screen shot so he cant deny anything

it could be that he rents it and meets escorts there - possible explanation

It seems odd to me that he seems to of made no attempt to conceal this.. does he always leave his emails logged in and open? Do you often use the laptop? I'd be wondering if this was an intentional mistake to out himself yet lay some blame on you for snooping.

Whatever the situation, not having sex in your marriage does not mean that getting it elsewhere is expected. If he is not happy within the marriage this should be discussed and if you can't both come up with something that makes you both happy he should leave, not cheat.

Please don't let the comments about it being inevitable make you feel responsible. There are 2 people in a marriage and you have committed to each other. Whatever he is doing it is not ok.

Me personally right now would keep quiet, try and find any other evidence of an affair or wrong doing before confronting him. It's very easy to wash that away and claim it's for you to reignite things. That could still be a possibility, the evidence you have alone can't prove or disprove that which is why I would snoop some more. Probably not the most honest way around it but it's what I'd do in that situation.

I'm sorry there's so much victim blaming going on here OP, the attitude of some Mumsnetters seems to be to kick you when you're down. You must be going out of your mind with worry. I think the only way is to confront him about it and say you weren't snooping but you noticed it on his email and now you've seen it, it has concerned you. I don't think he can go off on you for snooping if it's a joint laptop. Let us know how you get on

Nobody is blaming anyone but I'm not sure why op would be so shocked
And living on the other side (being the sexless) I just think it's kind of inevitable but that would depend whether the lack of sex was discussed and if so what op said to her husband

Also if he is well aware it's a shared laptop it could well be he wanted to force you into confronting this issue

If you cheat, you've fucked up. Doesn't matter if you're in a relationship with daily sex or a completely abstinent one. You have the capacity to discuss your issues or leave, it doesn't give you a free pass.

@berrygirlie

If you cheat, you've fucked up. Doesn't matter if you're in a relationship with daily sex or a completely abstinent one. You have the capacity to discuss your issues or leave, it doesn't give you a free pass.

Often the person does try to discuss the issues repeatedly, and the person who doesn't want sex fobs them off. In an ideal world both parties would take responsibility for being open and honest about this. There has been multiple threads on here in the past where womens partners try to discuss lack of sex with them (not in a sex pest way) but the man gets labelled as a sex pest anyway and manipulative because he suggests the issue will end the marriage. He's being honest and open and trying to go about things the right way and he gets torn to shreds and labelled as all sorts of things.

We don't know what happened in the OP's situation so i'm talking in general terms and not specifically about her situation as they may have spoken about it and thought they were on the same page.

As for leaving, many men don't want to leave the family home or their kids if they have them. When I split with my ex (not for another man) then only reason I felt able to was because I knew that I would have custody of my children. I genuinely don't think I would have ever been able to leave if there was a chance I would only get access on weekends.

@user1481840227

Suprisingly understanding from a female perspective.

There seems to be a lot of this on mumsnet at the moment, lack of sex, free pass type of thing, as though many women actually want that arrangement.

Intimacy does not usually break down for no reason.

Resentment from....
lack of kindness.
Being taken for granted.
Neglect.
Refusal to aknowledge spouses feelings.
Abuse.
And many, many other things that have not been addressed in the marriage.

The man may try and initiate sex without any of this being resolved and is met with someone who is non too enthusiastic about being further used.
There becomes a stalemate with both parties not getting what they want. Women need care, understanding and love to have sex, many men do not.

So essentially men want sex without giving anything back in return.

The sad thing is, that in some marriages, the very care love and attention (effort) they give to the ow is the very thing that would get their own marriage back on track.

Lack of sex in a marriage is the result of both parties, not just the woman refusing sex.

@Onthedunes
It's actually becoming a regular issue for women too...men who stop wanting sex and expect them to carry on in the relationship shutting down conversations about it.
I've never seen as many posts about this before as I have recently on mumsnet.
Even in real life I know several women who have recently ended sexless relationships after their partner refused to touch them for years and years. I don't know whether they cheated or had their heads turned or just left but the situation became intolerable and affected them in many ways.

I 100% completely agree with the fact that often lack of sex in relationships comes about due to the things you mentioned. Resentments build up, sex stops and it is hard to fix..and women often don't want sex if they feel those things (or lack of good things) from their partner.
It is a very common theme, especially if those resentments start to build up in a stressful time of the relationship such as when the children are small, it appears to be impossible to recover from that the vast majority of the time.

I think it needs to be talked about with more honestly though. Women often feel like they are living with a flatmate or like brother and sister after a long period of no sex and the aversion to having sex with their partner is so strong that they just cannot bring themselves to do it even if it will cut tension or the house or if they could just use it as 'maintenance' sex (as i've seen it referred to lately).

Sometimes the lack of sex comes about even though the other person involved was a good partner....sometimes it does come about because they were not a good partner..it just needs to be discussed more in real life....not to ease the blame on the cheater but because it can be a serious issue within relationships and people should be encouraged to be completely honest about this with their partners so they are not living in a horrible home environment.

Have you confronted him with what you've found? I wouldn't be able to see that email and keep my mouth shut

Ask him who lives at address. Print off the email and give it to him.
Reaction will be priceless if he is guilty!

A lot of people live on those type of holiday sites you just move out for 4-8weeks a year so could be the actual home of someone.

Id definitely be doing a little drive/walk by or sending a friend to a snoop.

No update OP?

I’m thinking that he wanted you to find that email in order to force a conversation about your platonic relationship. I’m wondering whether there’s actually another woman or whether he’s just ordered stuff to a random place and left the email visible as a way of opening up communication.

Another woman or not, you need to address this. Either way, he clearly no longer wants a flatmate type scenario with you.

Affair of prostittues , dig further op x

@ProfessionalT

I think the underlying problem here is your sex life.

I'm a relatively new relationship/sexual counseller.

Many people have low/no sex marriages ,most don't get better without help.

There could be a number of reasons of the unusual behaviour, some could be innocent or even embarrassing for your husband to admit to. Some may not.

Both parties are usually to blame one way or another. Do you ever try to initiate sex with him, like you used to? If not why not? If its down to you wanting a different man/ men, see how he feels about this. He needs to know that you still have sexual needs.

Some couples find cuckold relationships/ hot wife relationships something that solves any issues.

If you want free advice any time email me.

Fucking hell I hope I never have you as a Relationship counsellor.

Some of.the responses on here are so depressing.

OP this isn't your fault. DH has been a selfish prick.

Hi all, thanks for all your replies, good and bad. Been a while for a reply as been trying to do some digging. It appears another few orders were made way back in March, ordered for delivery to local post office and collected by husband. Other than this is have found out no more, so in brief, 3 orders of adult sex toys, 2 collected by husband, one special delivery to another address... tracked it and was signed for. A few days after first post all passwords were changed so I have not come across anything else. I have been biting my tongue in the hope I could confront him with more than just the emails as i don't understand how/when he could ever have the time to see anyone else.. he is either at work or at home..thats it! totally get everyone saying of course he would look for sex elsewhere, believe me , I wouldn't mind a bit myself. However I have always been of the belief that if either of us were unhappy with how things were then it should end.. NEVER be unfaithful.

As things stand now I have to know what has/is happening., and ill take it from there.

Oh OP this is awful to read. I hope you get the answers you need.

..he is either at work or at home..that’s it!

OP, he may be having lunchtime assignations. Or he is possibly leaving work early. I would confront now with what you know.

I agree with you that if he had issues, he should have dealt with them in an ethical manner.

@Boorosie did you ever go to the address and see who was there?

Or going into "work " having taken a day off ?

oh I’m sorry OP.

Have you checked the laptop for any other evidence? I’d suggest going through his e-mails, check the internet history and check the download file. If you can get access to his mobile phone even better!

If you can remember the e-mail you saw there must have been a name on there with the delivery address?

Do you know if your husband has any plans tomorrow? I personally would have to go to the address tomorrow and sit in the car and see if he or anyone else turns up there?

Unfortunately I think he maybe having an affair/sex worker type arrangement. If he's not having sex with you he must be getting it somewhere else

If you both want to have sex I’m not sure why you’re not having sex? Or at least working on this?

Could he have a sugar baby / online relationship. Perhaps not ‘properly’ cheating, but buying ‘gifts’ ? Otherwise it does look like an affair. Perhaps as others have said he’s not at work as much as he says he is.

I think follow him/ snoop more / ask him are your options, beyond just accepting it

Sorry though op, absolutely rubbish situation, no matter what’s happening he should have spoken to you

[quote MrsDiplo]@Boorosie did you ever go to the address and see who was there?[/quote]
This