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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to think? Affair?

386 replies

Boorosie · 23/11/2020 21:47

So, i am in a state of utter confusion. My husbands email was open on joint laptop and i noticed an order placed earlier today with Lovehoney. To be delivered to a different address about 5 miles away tomorrow. We have not had a sexual relationship for a few years so i am 100% sure i am not the intended recipient. All seems.a.bit surreal and i have never for one second beleive my husband capable of infidelity, bit i dont honestly.know wjat else to think.any thoughts other than the glaringly obvious? 😪

OP posts:
tolerable · 03/02/2021 05:20

what a bag of bollocks.
1.If remorely vaguely even a wee bit truth bout fk up at work-and he didni/coodni/woodni tell you. rgeres a serious problem
2 bollocks.bribed-??really??????????how fkin awful.
3 get on uberkinky or pintrest and design own anal beads made out crushed glass n lemon juisce ratle them in while hes asleep see how he likes getting shafted.tell him a mumsnetter blackmailed you..

throw him out.never let anyone disregard you or your happiness(esp oh)its not comprimisable.

Ratched · 03/02/2021 05:46

It is none if our business why you have a sexless marriage, so I am not asking.
But I do wonder if there is any possibility that your husband is gay?
Many years ago a friend went through similar. She was younger, with two small children when she eventually, after many lies and ridiculous excuses, found that her husband was having a gay relationship. He made the most outrageous claims too!

Thebestposter · 03/02/2021 06:35

What a pile of shit.

Boorosie · 03/02/2021 15:50

So out of so many replies, quite literally only 1 or 2 people think it could be true. That in itself speaks volumes. We have reached a point where true or not, he realises he has been deceitful and lying to me for months...and I'm trying to work out if I can forgive that. The trust is gone. Is there anything without trust? @Ratched Well, inhave never considered that possibility , but no, I don't think he could be gay. @tolerable you make me realise , actually yes, he hasn't thought of me in any of this sorry mess, and he still not!

OP posts:
Boorosie · 03/02/2021 15:56

Thinking about it, not once has he said, I'm sorry this happened.. or what can I do to prove it to you, or make it up to you.

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 03/02/2021 15:58

I mean, I am pretty sure he is sending these to online 'cam girls' etc. Especially if he doesn't leave the house like you said. Seen it many times.

Timeflyin · 03/02/2021 16:12

@Boorosie

So out of so many replies, quite literally only 1 or 2 people think it could be true. That in itself speaks volumes. We have reached a point where true or not, he realises he has been deceitful and lying to me for months...and I'm trying to work out if I can forgive that. The trust is gone. Is there anything without trust? *@Ratched Well, inhave never considered that possibility , but no, I don't think he could be gay. @tolerable* you make me realise , actually yes, he hasn't thought of me in any of this sorry mess, and he still not!
No one in there right mind would think this is true. Its laughable, how are you living in the same house as him without having it all out. Sorry if it is nosy but are you sharing a bed? The blackmail story is absolute nonsense obviously, so what is the truth here ?
skeemee · 03/02/2021 16:15

Sorry OP, he is definitely lying. When you confronted him about the November purchases, he was prepped. Smirked and told you his tall tale. Even gave you further details about the mistake at work.

When you followed up about the March purchases, you blindsided him. he denied until he could deny no more, then said the blackmailing had been going on a lot longer. How does that timing fit in with the timing of the “mistake at work”?

You are only in your 40s. Can you continue wondering about this for the rest of your married life? I hope you find out the truth. Personally, I couldn’t cope with knowing he’s lying. And he knows you know he’s lying. Totally up to you whether you decide to let it slide. 🌸🌸🌸

Wotapolava · 03/02/2021 16:49

OP.
Not sure of your financial status but w rich people can be compromised.

You say he is lying but have you actually found out what was really going on?

If you are saying you know he is lying without proving it, you are admitting you, yourself, don't know the full truth.
I don't know you or your partner so I'll not comment in a detrimental fashion.

If it was me, I would ask him the following (calmly):

Where do you see yourself in a years time?
Where do you see me and OUR children in a years time ?

If it helps, ask him to write it all down. That way, you both see it.

I'm no expert, but sometimes the affected can't see wood for the trees whereas others can.

All the best OP

Looking at this situation (of many).

Situations such as this leave people in a stagnant position.
It isn't ideal. It is difficult, but to allow someone to have that amount of control over you, you have to break that situation.
You can't heal until you start to move on or at least know which way the compass points.
It may be that you love the person and you take some kind of comfort in knowing they are still with you. That is not the definition of security - until you know for sure.

Life is for living. It makes no sense to be anything other than honest (which itself brings freedom) and caring and have a right to enjoy your existence.
Living a life of misery is no life at all.

Boorosie · 03/02/2021 16:56

@Wotapolava I am saying he definitely lied about the emails in March. He said the orders didn't exist.. until I told him I have photos of them!. That was a bare face lie. He lied about the time frame.
I don't knownwhat has actually happened because I can't prove it.. he needs to prove it to me..and he cant/ won't. I have repeatedly asked and explained that he needs to make me believe this . He simply says I don't know what else to tell you! I think the fact that he has definitely lied to my face about some of the story, makes me very disbelieving of the rest, if that makes sense.

OP posts:
Boorosie · 03/02/2021 16:58

@Wotapolava I think that I don't know what is going on, and I don't honestly think I will ever know the truth . In that sense I need to box it up, and deal with the aspects I do know of. The lack of trust and lies.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/02/2021 17:03

I think the fact that he has definitely lied to my face about some of the story, makes me very disbelieving of the rest, if that makes sense

Gosh op, shouldn’t the fact it’s the most batshit obvious lie ever make you disbelieve it? You do know the truth. You just don’t want to deal with the fall out from knowing it. And that’s ok, but you may as well be honest with yourself at least.

Movinghouseatlast · 03/02/2021 17:08

I think you are missing the big issue here.

Did he promise you he would be celibate? Do you both agree to a celibate marriage? It is important.

If not, would you have preferred him to tell you the truth? Would the outcome be any different?

It strikes me that he loves you but he doesn't want to be celibate. That is why he is lying to you.

Boorosie · 03/02/2021 17:18

@Movinghouseatlast yes , had he told me the truth it would have made a huge difference. The deceit and lack of respect to be truthful is a massive problem for me.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/02/2021 17:23

To be honest that’s very unusual op for you both to make a celibacy for life commitment to one another.

Can you articulate how that came about?

Boorosie · 03/02/2021 17:29

@Bluntness100 I was saying yes to the truth telling bit, no we have never agreed a life of celibacy. Sex or not, marriage to me is about honesty.

OP posts:
Movinghouseatlast · 03/02/2021 17:33

So if he told you he was having an affair you would have been fine with it? Does he know that?

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2021 17:34

Can you explain why you don’t have sex? Is that more one sided? If so whose?

And would you honestly habe been ok with it if he told you he was going over the side?

Boorosie · 03/02/2021 17:39

@Movinghouseatlast @Bluntness100 no I am definitely not saying I would have been fine if he told me he was having an affair, of course not, but at least he would have been honest with me and we would have something to work with.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 03/02/2021 17:47

Is this, you didn’t want to have sex with him but didn’t want anyone else to either and wished him to remain celibate?

I agree in an ideal world he should have told you he was going elsewhere but that’s not something you were going to agree to and he wouldn’t wish to have sex with uou when neither you or him wished such a thing.

So now he’s having an affair. You’re pretending to believe he buys sex toys for his colleagues. Where do you go from here?

Movinghouseatlast · 03/02/2021 17:53

Honesty is a bit of a red herring then. Honesty would have ended the marriage, dishonesty will end the marriage?

Your problem is that you want to be celibate and he doesn't. Until you really talk about this and are both honest about it with each other you won't be able to move forward. That is the real lack of honesty.

Boorosie · 03/02/2021 18:02

@Movinghouseatlast @Bluntness100 I will not be drawn into the discussion of celibacy in our marriage, I have never said it was a mutual decision, I have never said it was a one sided decision on either side. The original question I asked was, do you think its an affair?

Yes , or no.. the events leading up to are not the discussion, however I do appreciate your thoughts and opinions, thanks

OP posts:
Wotapolava · 03/02/2021 18:04

Hi OP
You said the lies and deceit are a huge issue.

Someone mentioned celibacy.
For humans with needs for a release mechanism, that is a commitment that should not be taken lightly.
I don't know if any medical conditions are a factor and I am not pressuring you to answer.
If you believe it is important then ignore or reply as you choose.

Bluntness100 · 03/02/2021 18:05

Ok op.

Yes it’s very clearly an affair. You know he isn’t buying sex toys for his colleagues.

zigzog44 · 03/02/2021 19:55

He is 100% having an affair. His story is crazy. You have two options, tell him to prove his innocence with actual full evidence, if not, I think you already know the answer.

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