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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to think? Affair?

386 replies

Boorosie · 23/11/2020 21:47

So, i am in a state of utter confusion. My husbands email was open on joint laptop and i noticed an order placed earlier today with Lovehoney. To be delivered to a different address about 5 miles away tomorrow. We have not had a sexual relationship for a few years so i am 100% sure i am not the intended recipient. All seems.a.bit surreal and i have never for one second beleive my husband capable of infidelity, bit i dont honestly.know wjat else to think.any thoughts other than the glaringly obvious? 😪

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 02/02/2021 09:31

Op you weren’t having a sexual relationship so it was more companionship, habit and lifestyle.

There is nothing wrong with continuing this and he gets sex elsewhere.

Clearly no one is blackmailing him to buy them sex toys, that’s beyond batshit, and he is indeed having an affair. But it doesn’t appear he is wishing to leave the marriage, not at this point anyway.

So you can just lie and tell him you believe him and turn a blind eye to it. If that’s what you want to do.

dadshere · 02/02/2021 09:33

If you are not in a sexual relationship with him, why do you care if he is with someone else?

ArabellaScott · 02/02/2021 09:35

I'm so sorry, OP. What a horrible time you've had. I hope you can start to find firmer ground underfoot now, and move on. Lying to your spouse repeatedly is just insupportable.

Bit staggered at posters who think its okay for your DH to lie and deceive like this purely because there is no sexual element to the relationship. A marriage is more than sex - it's a legal agreement, for a start, let alone an emotional commitment.

oakleaffy · 02/02/2021 09:35

Perhaps you can salvage a 20 year marriage...

But he has to start telling the truth.

My faithless ex lied and lied and lied...Literally bare faced lies with a deadpan expression {I knew the truth by then}

Even the OW {A colleague} CAME TO OUR HOUSE to say ''I am not having an affair with your husband''.

.....When they actually were.

they married the minute we were divorced, but it fell apart two years later.

Sadly people lie.

MaMaD1990 · 02/02/2021 09:36

Why are people saying that because there has been no sex for a long time, why should she be bothered/surprised? Yes sex is important but you can love other qualities in a partner and not want the relationship to end. Ridiculous to insinuate that OP somehow deserves this.

Outbutnotoutout · 02/02/2021 09:38

Why has he changed his passwords, if he is being honest?

Where are the messages from this "blackmailer" ask to see them.

Happyone8 · 02/02/2021 09:40

If there’s no sex and he was unhappy - he should’ve told you he wanted sex elsewhere. Then it was your choice to allow it or end the marriage or have a discussion about getting sex back between you . There should have been a discussion. It’s not ok to do it secretly and then lie ridiculously about it.

oakleaffy · 02/02/2021 09:46

''Buy me sex toys...Or else''.

I did know a GP blackmailed by sex workers. He was a married man who used to visit massage parlours..The women knew he must have been a Doctor as he leapt off the couch if his pager went {that long ago}

Silly man was blackmailed for Diconal, {Dipipanone} a controlled drug.

Had he not given it, he'd have been ok.

As it was..... Blackmail got out of hand, someone died, he was caught.

He was a very popular GP..

''Sex will pull a man further than dynamite will blow him''.

Class A drugs blackmail= Believable.
Sex toys= Pull the other one, Do you think your wife is an idiot?

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2021 09:49

@Happyone8

If there’s no sex and he was unhappy - he should’ve told you he wanted sex elsewhere. Then it was your choice to allow it or end the marriage or have a discussion about getting sex back between you . There should have been a discussion. It’s not ok to do it secretly and then lie ridiculously about it.
I think in reality that’s easier said than done. Of course he should have told her, but often people will be happy to keep the primary relationship going for lifestyle etc, whilst discreetly having sex elsewhere. In this instance he got caught though, and obvs could not think of any reasonable excuse why he was buying sex toys.
cheeseybean · 02/02/2021 09:58

Ridiculous to insinuate that OP somehow deserves this.

Indeed. Not ridiculous to be surprised he got it elsewhere, however out of order that may be

2021vision · 02/02/2021 10:01

If theres one thing I have learnt on Mumsnet it's not to show your cards in this situation. However you have done that now so now you need to decide your next step.

If this is all so innocent then he will give you the details of this work colleague. Walk into his office demand them there and then and give this person a call. Or better still ask who it is, get his details (surely you know the email address pattern) and contact them quietly. Do not give him time to pre warn this person. His reaction will tell you what you need to know. If this sounds mad, it absolutely is however it will tell you what you need to know. You've got nothing to lose.

Movinghouseatlast · 02/02/2021 10:02

I'm sorry you are going through this and for how upset you are.

You haven't said whether he is in total agreement on the celibate marriage. Does he accept celibacy and has gone back on that do you think?

A therapist once said to me that revealing a lie is only worth it of the outcome for the other person would be positive. So I can see why he lied about having an affair- he loves you and didn't want to upset you. He wants to be married to you but knew that if he told you that he didn't want to be celibate you would leave him.

His lies about the blackmail are ridiculous but I actually feel sorry for him. His whole life is unravelling because he wants to have sex and you don't. Had he told the truth the outcome would have been the same so what choice did he have?

Ariela · 02/02/2021 10:02

I imagine he is buying someone's time to play with those toys for him over video cam, so he can wank as he watches.

Sickofthesoapbox12 · 02/02/2021 10:05

OP, don’t know if anybody has mentioned this yet. I’ve had a read and haven’t seen it.

Five mins on the internet and £3 will buy the land registry details of the house that the sex toys were delivered to. That may throw up some more details regarding if it is actually his colleagues family that own the house or a name that you can dig into further...

bellver888 · 02/02/2021 10:06

stay strong OP Flowers

Mrsmummy90 · 02/02/2021 10:17

Sending you a handhold. You've got this xxx

Colouringaddict · 02/02/2021 10:17

@Ishbam

You do know that sex toys are perfectly legal to buy? You can even get them off Amazon.

You can get them in boots, Tesco and Poundland too!

However don’t advise the Poundland ones 🤪

What’s wrong with the pound shop ones? Asking for a friend 😂
Happyone8 · 02/02/2021 10:23

Why don’t you ask him to message the blackmailer in front of you asking if the October order can be the last as his wife is getting suspicious about these orders and just found one. There’s obviously no blackmailer but it will call him out on his bs if he won’t contact them

MaelyssQ · 02/02/2021 10:45

@Sickofthesoapbox12

OP, don’t know if anybody has mentioned this yet. I’ve had a read and haven’t seen it.

Five mins on the internet and £3 will buy the land registry details of the house that the sex toys were delivered to. That may throw up some more details regarding if it is actually his colleagues family that own the house or a name that you can dig into further...

The delivery address was a holiday park though so that wouldn't work.
Bluntness100 · 02/02/2021 10:50

@2021vision

If theres one thing I have learnt on Mumsnet it's not to show your cards in this situation. However you have done that now so now you need to decide your next step.

If this is all so innocent then he will give you the details of this work colleague. Walk into his office demand them there and then and give this person a call. Or better still ask who it is, get his details (surely you know the email address pattern) and contact them quietly. Do not give him time to pre warn this person. His reaction will tell you what you need to know. If this sounds mad, it absolutely is however it will tell you what you need to know. You've got nothing to lose.

Oh cmon this is silly, no one is blackmailing him to buy sex toys for gods sake. That’s no more happening than pigs now fly to the moon with passengers on their backs. The mans having an affair.
Fabiofatshaft · 02/02/2021 10:54

In a situation like this, they are not really ‘ husband and wife ‘ are they in the fullest sense. I think.

They ARE:

House partners
Co - parents
Friends
Business partners
Room mates.

And you can be affectionate and loving to your friends.

If a couple mutually agree to be celibate and it works, then that’s great.

But if one withdraws from the sexual ‘ contract ‘

There’s a good chance the other will withdraw from other parts of the marital contract about ‘ honouring with my body and forsaking all others ‘

The husband is possibly cheating but definitely lying.

Op hasn’t answered certain questions, as is her right, but we can presume that since her husband might be seeking sexual fulfilment elsewhere, Op has withdrawn that element from their marriage.

And they both seem relatively young.

So charges against the husband:

Cheating: Guilty on circumstantial evidence.
Lying: Guilty on substantial evidence.
Causing hurt and distrust: Definitely.

But on further charges:

Guilty of having a libido: No case to answer.
Guilty of having sexual desires: No case to answer
Guilty of desiring intimacy: No case to answer

Bluntness100 is right. It’s easier said than done. If every ‘ cheating ‘ partner actually discussed it before any cheating, there would be no need for Mumsnet.

You were both happy in your bubble, or so you thought. But you were and inherently, he wasn’t, but he didn’t want to fracture his comfortable home life.

I can’t say enough that this is not a reflection on you, but of him.

He’s lied, but there has been no communication
on a fundamentally important element of a ‘ proper ‘ marriage in years.

Maybe you should both start the ‘ conversation ‘

It might just lead to all your other question being answered.

wintermoths · 02/02/2021 10:56

I have never heard such a ridiculous lie. It insults your intelligence. If he had 'fessed up there might have been something to work with but that lie is just so stupid, I'd just lose all respect for him there and then.
.
Flowers

Peppafrig · 02/02/2021 10:57

If you really believe someone is blackmailing him to buy them sex toys then nothing I type will make you see how bat shit crazy that lie is.

wintermoths · 02/02/2021 11:01

I think in reality that’s easier said than done. Of course he should have told her, but often people will be happy to keep the primary relationship going for lifestyle etc, whilst discreetly having sex elsewhere

Or they might genuinely love their partners and want to stay in the relationship.

I know people often say, 'well you just need to tell your partner that if they don't start having sex with you, you will leave.'
But Jesus, who wants to have sex with someone when you know you have effectively pressured them into it? Most people want sex with people who genuinely and enthusiastically want sex with them. People who have sex with people who don't want to have sex with them are called sex offenders.

ZoolInMyFridge · 02/02/2021 11:04

My thought is webcams - he picks up the package and sends it on...