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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to think? Affair?

386 replies

Boorosie · 23/11/2020 21:47

So, i am in a state of utter confusion. My husbands email was open on joint laptop and i noticed an order placed earlier today with Lovehoney. To be delivered to a different address about 5 miles away tomorrow. We have not had a sexual relationship for a few years so i am 100% sure i am not the intended recipient. All seems.a.bit surreal and i have never for one second beleive my husband capable of infidelity, bit i dont honestly.know wjat else to think.any thoughts other than the glaringly obvious? 😪

OP posts:
WhatKatyDidNxt · 02/02/2021 11:12

Sorry to hear this OP. He really is a liar isn’t he? I don’t believe a word he is saying. Especially denying the March order when you have proof!!!

MrDarcysMa · 02/02/2021 11:16

Op if there is a shred of truth in the blackmail story he'd be able to show you evidence of that (messages from the blackmailer etc!) in order to save his marriage. He's not doing that. There is no blackmail.

I'm so sorry but you served better than this and he clearly needs to be in a sexually fulfilling relationship.

likeamillpond · 02/02/2021 11:22

I haven't rtf
But am I the only one to feel a bit sorry for the guy?
No sex with you, in the last Five years? Shock?
Even men with very low sex drives would want sex now and again, id imagine.
They have way more testosterone than women and I think it's a bit cruel to expect a man who's married to be completely celibate on a ling term basis.
It doesn't excuse his lying to you and being sneaky, but I can sort of understand why you've got to this point.
You should both seek help.

yetmorecrap · 02/02/2021 11:28

My thought is webcams too or sugar daddy type stuff— buying stuff for someone online (many ask for gifts) - using someone he knows to accept parcels and then forwarding it

SoVery · 02/02/2021 11:30

This is one of the most bizarre threads about a DP behaviour that I have ever read! What a load of bollocks!

He's being blackmailed into buying sex toys and sending them to random locations?? Even a TV show wouldn't run this as a storyline because it's just too far-fetched.

Also the bit about him knowing you know, not saying anything for THREE MONTHS and then smirking when you do confront him!! He clearly does not give a shit.

Keep probing OP and you'll come to the truth eventually.

yetmorecrap · 02/02/2021 11:36

The smirking is nerves by the way- I’ve experienced smirking , twitching and rabbit in the headlights eyes when confronting liars.

Bluntness100 · 02/02/2021 11:37

I’m actually wondering if it’s real. I am struggling to think of anything more unbelievable that I’ve read on here. And that’s saying something.

Unless there is a drip feed coming where the op has significant additional needs so requires critical thinking support. Then it’s one of the more bizarre things I’ve read.

I mean seriously. Blackmailed by a work colleague to buy sex toys?

OakSnows · 02/02/2021 11:40

Oh lovely, that is all a load of bullshit. No one needs to get love honey stuff sent to another address. Anything you buy these days you can get sent to an Amazon locker/work address etc and even your home as it’s not written on the outside. Just like your husband ordered and got sent to another address/post office pick up.
I’m sorry your marriage is over for whatever reason. Even just knowing you thought he was having an affair for 3 months changing his password is just very cruel of him. He was happy knowing you were distraught and spent months coming up with the fake story. He has time for an affair even just going out for the shopping. He orders click and collect but says he’s going to the supermarket and boom, he’s got himself 2hours free.

Ihatefish · 02/02/2021 11:40

This is so far fetched I’m inclined to think it’s true, surely no one would actually make this up!!!!

yetmorecrap · 02/02/2021 11:43

OP, I really feel for you- I totally understand why you want to think there is some mistake, some misunderstanding. You kind of know i think deep down it’s something sleazy- possibly not an affair- maybe online ‘stuff’ . Regardless of the lack of sex, you don’t deserve this level of deceit and to be honest he deserves dumping for thinking you are dumb enough to believe him rather than fessing up

borntohula · 02/02/2021 11:59

In fact, I'd be more insulted about the lying to my face and expecting me to believe it than any cheating. In his position, if I'd got to this point, I'd just come out and say 'I still want a fucking sex life, sorry!"

SlightlyJaded · 02/02/2021 12:01

I've read your update (although it seems lots of posters haven't Confused). I'm sorry that it looks like the end of your marriage but I'm glad for you that you have seen it is all lies.

The thing is OP, even if limp on with this relationship, the foundation is gone. Unless you get a full confession from your H, there is nowhere for this to go. It can't survive on a lie. And it doesn't sound like he was brave enough to be truthful. Reading between the lines of your last post, he has used this confrontation as an excuse to talk about 'not being happy in general' and instigate a breakup, rather than step up and admit what he has done.

It will be really really hard for a while, and you will falter, but IF you can make the break, you and your lovely DD will be better for it.

Servalan · 02/02/2021 12:05

Did I miss a post from OP saying the marriage was celibate due to her choice?

That seems to be the conclusion everyone is reaching, and is very possible, but I don't think we can assume.

For all we know, OP could be married to someone with a madonna/whore complex who won't sexually interact with their wife but will engage with porn etc. It does happen and women in that position often feel embarrassed and ashamed.

Servalan · 02/02/2021 12:11

Sadly, the blackmail story seems incredibly far-fetched.

It sounds like a very sad and difficult situation. Whatever the reason for celibacy within the marriage (and I don't believe OP has told us why, so none of the rest of us know the full story), it sounds like it needs to be talked about kindly and honestly. No one should ever be coerced into having sex if they don't want to, but at the same time, it can be lonely to live in a sexless marriage if that's not what you've signed up for.

I wish you well OP Flowers

YouJustDoYou · 02/02/2021 12:22

There's no way he's telling the truth. Absolute bullshit, all those stories and lies he's spinning you, but you know that. He stinks of all the bullshit covering him.

MatildaTheCat · 02/02/2021 12:37

@likeamillpond

I haven't rtf But am I the only one to feel a bit sorry for the guy? No sex with you, in the last Five years? Shock? Even men with very low sex drives would want sex now and again, id imagine. They have way more testosterone than women and I think it's a bit cruel to expect a man who's married to be completely celibate on a ling term basis. It doesn't excuse his lying to you and being sneaky, but I can sort of understand why you've got to this point. You should both seek help.
OP has intimated in a previous post that she would welcome some sex. She hasn’t said exactly why the marriage is celibate but don’t just assume she has refused him the entire time.

@Boorosie I think he must have some time when you think he’s working when he has time for his liaisons. It may not be very frequent. Perhaps he has the odd half day or time of owing? It’s impossible to know where someone is all of the time which is why trust is so fundamental.

I’m so sorry you are in this position. However you both have to start talking somehow. It would be sad to end the marriage without that.

MrsVogon · 02/02/2021 12:47

@Bluntness100

I’m actually wondering if it’s real. I am struggling to think of anything more unbelievable that I’ve read on here. And that’s saying something.

Unless there is a drip feed coming where the op has significant additional needs so requires critical thinking support. Then it’s one of the more bizarre things I’ve read.

I mean seriously. Blackmailed by a work colleague to buy sex toys?

Agree. Its all very far fetched.
BluntAndToThePoint80 · 02/02/2021 13:07

Good luck op.

Happyone8 · 02/02/2021 13:19

@MrsVogon do people actually make up threads ? Why ?

Minnie16889 · 02/02/2021 13:31

I cant work out either if this thread is genuine.
Surely no one would believe a husband has been buying sex toys, for a colleague who is a blackmailer.
I mean, i am impressed with his imagination but who would actually believe this? And to say sorry to him?

fromdownwest · 02/02/2021 13:35

@Minnie16889 - One thing that 2020 has taugh me, is that ANYTHING is possible!

Servalan · 02/02/2021 13:36

I don't think believing an unbelievable story is beyond the realms of possibility or an indication of stupidity. Especially if you've spent a large chunk of your life trusting that person and you're having to reframe everything that you thought you knew. The world is full of folk who believe what they want to believe against all odds because the alternative is too usetting.

Servalan · 02/02/2021 13:38

When all is said and done, we're just a bunch of randoms on the internet. Who knows what is true and what isn't about any threads on here - but there is a possibility that this thread is true and the op needs support...

Scbchl · 02/02/2021 13:51

You havent had sex for YEARS of course it was his order. As if a colleague who knew about something he done would get him to order love honey sex toys presumably for an affair and put himself in a vulnerable position where your partner could of just said well if you black mail me again (after the first "order") then il just tell your wife you are cheating and getting me to order you stuff from lovehoney. Also, if that is true then why would the person not just get the person he is having an affair with to order the stuff.

I'm sorry but this has to be one of the LEAST convincing stories from a man I have ever read on here.

Nicola54 · 02/02/2021 13:53

You know already he is lying but maybe it’s not a full blown affair which is difficult under lockdown. Maybe it is something else that he is very ashamed of. Maybe he is buying sex toys for others to use while he watches online? It could be anything. And it could be something you would forgive him for.

In your position I would tell him that there is no way you can believe his nonsense story, that you know there is something he is not telling you and if he doesn’t tell you the truth then the marriage is over anyway. But if he does fess up then maybe you could get past it together.