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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What to think? Affair?

386 replies

Boorosie · 23/11/2020 21:47

So, i am in a state of utter confusion. My husbands email was open on joint laptop and i noticed an order placed earlier today with Lovehoney. To be delivered to a different address about 5 miles away tomorrow. We have not had a sexual relationship for a few years so i am 100% sure i am not the intended recipient. All seems.a.bit surreal and i have never for one second beleive my husband capable of infidelity, bit i dont honestly.know wjat else to think.any thoughts other than the glaringly obvious? 😪

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 02/02/2021 14:17

Agree. Its all very far fetched

Yes to a dispassionate bystander of course it is but when you’re living something and caught in the emotions and shock it’s difficult to apply critical thinking.

PegasusReturns · 02/02/2021 14:17

I’m afraid this thread is now going to descend into a shit show as the “how dare you withhold sex” crew have turned up to put the boot in and tell the OP she got what she deserved.

OP no one deserves betrayal. Regardless of your situation your H has cheated and lied. That is not your fault.

And for everyone of you posters smugly saying “well what did you expect” (BTW you forgot the ) perhaps think about how you’d feel if your DH decided that he’d seek sex elsewhere because you don’t do oral/anal/threesomes or otherwise indulge him and people you’d reached out to support you responded with “well you know how much men like a BJ”.

ManCubsMama · 02/02/2021 14:19

He is lying to you, OP. I am sorry. He is lying.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 02/02/2021 14:33

@PegasusReturns this all this. Major digression and blame shifting from what he has done

butterpuffed · 02/02/2021 14:38

I think a blackmailer would be demanding a bit more than a few sex toys even it's the first time he's done it .

Your DH hasn't told you what's really going on.

BuntysTwinkle · 02/02/2021 14:51

If you're content in a sexless marriage - you never mentioned how that came about - then accept his bullshit story, accept that he disappears off to this chalet park every now and then, and carry on as you are.

Blackmailed into ordering sex toys from a mainstream website though? No-one needs to do that. To strongarm a colleague suggests there's no embarrassment, so why not ask a friend or a cousin, or the lucky recipient? Or even get a PO box if they're that invested.

He got an email alert that someone else had accessed his account, realized it must have been you, changed the passwords, then came up with this daft story in the month's time you took to ask him about it. Was he mopey beforehand during the active time of the so-called blackmail, or only since you spoke to him? Sorry but if he's a bit down, it's probably because he's keeping a low profile at the moment and therefore not getting any...

Think about whether you want to be in this marriage as it is, not including the adultery and the lying. If you do, it may be worth working on, and trying to repair. if not, it's best for all concerned to move on. Your DD will be upset in the short term, but it's better for her to have a happy mother than one slowly rotting in an unhappy marriage. I say this because I wonder if my best friend would still be alive if she had left her marriage before it wore her down. Nothing dramatic happened, but she was lowkey stressed and miserable for two decades, lots of ailments that had unhappiness as the root cause. It's not worth it. If you think you'd be happier without him, make the move.

Bettysnow · 02/02/2021 14:56

Unbelievable that hes spouting this unbelievable story and more shocking is he actually thinks you will believe him?
Hes up to something shady without a doubt. I think you need to sit him down and tell him you want the truth! If he sticks to his ridiculous story tell him you intend to contact the so called blackmailer. Doubtless he will beg you not to claiming he could lose his job but let him think you are deadly serious until he tells you the truth. I would go as far as saying you will contact the police regarding the "blackmail!"
Im so sorry this is happening to you but your husband needs to man up and be honest. Once you have the truth only then can you decide if you want to try and build a relationship with him or not because at present without honesty you don't have any sort of relationship

Tal45 · 02/02/2021 14:57

There's only one thing you know for absolute sure OP, and that is that he's a liar (saying there was no March order, saying the blackmailing ended in October or whenever it was).
The question is what is more important to you? Keeping the marriage/family unit going and turning a blind eye to what is going on - something plenty of women do I'm sure. Or kicking his lying ass out.

In a way you're in a position of power now OP although you might not feel it. You know the score, you know he's a liar if not a cheat, you know he doesn't want to leave or he'd have done it by now. The ball is in your court, how do you want to play it?

Jerseygirl000 · 02/02/2021 15:14

@Boorosie

I’m really sorry for what you are dealing with. But if you look at the facts it’s very clear he is lying to you.

Your earlier posts say that you discovered the love honey email first in November.

After this discovery you didn’t mention anything to him but I’m sure you were acting differently around him. Even if you tried not to, it would have been very hard to act 100% normal.

Your husband has clearly picked up on this and probably put 2 and 2 together that you had found that email which is the reason he’s then changed his passwords a few days after your discovery.

Instead of talking to you about it he has let you deal with this alone, coming up with all sorts of explanations in your head. In the meantime he’s not mentioned anything to give himself time to create a story in his head ready for if / when you confront him.

This is confirmed by the fact that when you eventually confronted him he didn’t act surprised at all and actually told you he knew you knew something.

When he told you his “story” he lied to you and said this started in October because he no doubt thought you had only seen the recent email and not the ones from March.

He then lied to you again when you mentioned the March emails. He said he didn’t know what you were talking about. Only when you said you have proof of the March orders did he decide to change his story again and say the blackmail has been going on for longer than he said.

I know it’s so easy to believe the person you trust, to want to fit things that don’t make sense into their story to try and make it true. But if you read this all back he’s already lied to you, changed his passwords and kept this from you. If this very unlikely “blackmail” situation had happened to my partner he would come home and tell me. Your husband actions just scream typical cover up behaviour.

Please don’t let him lie to you any further and insult your intelligence. If you look at the situation logically it’s clearly not true. One thing I have learnt is most people caught out in a lie with carry on with their lies and make you feel like you are the unreasonable one for not believing them. The reason for the orders is unclear as to whether it’s an affair or something different but they are your husbands orders and he is lying to you. You deserve to know the truth.

Skyla2005 · 02/02/2021 15:21

Even after he has been caught out lying he is still telling more lies to get out of them lies and your gut tells you he is being truthful ? Please I have never heard such a blatant pack of lies in all my life. Why are you letting this man treat you like such an idiot You deserve better than this. Yes you have children and it's terrible but burying you head in the sand will do you no good If I were you I would get an Sti check. His been cheating at two different locations so probably two different woman AT LEAST. I bet there's loads more to this as well. Face up to it and stop believing his shit.

MaMaD1990 · 02/02/2021 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Emeraldeyes20 · 02/02/2021 15:24

This is horrible, I would definitely go there as he may make excuses!! I hope it’s a silly error 😞

Julianamechange · 02/02/2021 15:26

Op,

Have you considered webcam sites?

I had a work colleague who was telling me she used to be a cam girl on adult websites when she was at university and that the customers would send her gifts of sex toys.

Doesn’t explain why he picked them up himself though.

I suppose he could be buying for work colleague who was maybe having an affair but the whole ‘blackmail’ things sounds unbelievable. I cannot imagine anybody blackmailing somebody several times for sex toys. If he had said he bought them as a favour because his work mate was covering then maybe, it just sounds slightly elaborate.

Fabiofatshaft · 02/02/2021 15:42

Op

What exactly were the sex toys !?

Wotapolava · 02/02/2021 15:43

If he is being blackmailed it is an awful crime commited against him.
People commit suicide over things like that. Males more often take their own lives.

I sympathise with you both.
You need to - for your own sake and his, sit down rationally and ask him to talk it out.
Make sure he is not suffering because the situation could be much worse if it isn't handled properly. Nobody can carry such a weight like that.
It may be that you both agree to seperate. You need to keep a healthy relationship for the child's sake.

People who blackmail like that should be locked up for life!
The vile, vermin.
A problem can always be resolved through conversation.

Good luck.

Whydidimarryhim · 02/02/2021 16:17

Yes I don’t think it’s real - sex parcel delivered to an old person at a house not know to op - parcels to caravan park, parcels collected by him at Post office!!! Good luck op!!!!

CommanderBurnham · 02/02/2021 16:36

I'm so sorry OP.

ZoolInMyFridge · 02/02/2021 18:37

@servalan great posts and a great name!

withmycoffee · 02/02/2021 18:42

@m0therofdragons

So if a woman has a year of cancer treatment and prolonged recovery time it’s totally fine for her husband to have sex elsewhere because he isn’t getting any? Wtf am I reading?! I married my husband for better or worse not “except if I’m not getting any I have the right to look elsewhere”. Give men more credit than just being about sex.
The other way to look at it is that one person in the relationship has unilaterally made the decision that sex is no longer part of the equation and expects the other to accept that. It could be seem that the one choosing to stop physical intimacy broke the marriage pact first. Who knows whether the OP and DH have discussed the issue or not. Also don't know if there is a medical reason. Cancer is not a choice. Deciding that one no longer wants sex is a choice.
MadeForThis · 02/02/2021 18:56

He's a liar. A very bad liar.

Wotapolava · 02/02/2021 19:02

Not being funny.
If it turns out to be her Valentines Day present...

I don't cast aspersions.

Boonlark · 02/02/2021 20:09

@Wotapolava

Not being funny. If it turns out to be her Valentines Day present...

I don't cast aspersions.

It's not. He placed two orders last March, and one in November.

Wotapolava · 02/02/2021 20:40

@BoonLark,

I hope it gets resolved amicably.

totallyoutnumbered · 02/02/2021 21:12

I'm so sorry OP. Lean on people that you can. Your daughters will want to be there for you so allow them to. It won't get better overnight. But it will get better. I promise x

Servalan · 03/02/2021 00:38

@ZoolInMyFridge - why, thank you Smile

Hope you're OK OP Flowers