Still hasn't popped the question

[gettingfrustrated21]

DP bought an engagement ring well over 18 months ago. We've talked about getting married but he still hasn't popped the question. Ring still sat in its box in his cupboard.
This is odd isn't it? Given when he bought the ring. Is it a case of he's waiting for the right moment or does he have cold feet? Surely if you want to marry someone and have bought a ring, you give it to them?

I will be the absolute loveliest perfect version of me that I can be during this time and I’m not telling him of my cut off point. I will create scenarios which would make a perfect occasion. Then if he’s not ready By this point and no proposal I will move on.

Don’t do this. You’re just prolonging the agony. As a pp said, if you actually want to provoke him to propose, walk out and don’t contact him. If he comes to his senses once he misses you, then he’ll know what to do. But it’d be always tainted for me by that point anyhow. Why waste another six months?

OP, I totally understand why you want to give this another chance and not walk away from a great relationship just because some strangers on the internet told you to.

However, if I were you, I'd tell him your plan. You don't need to give him an exact date, but tell him that it's important to you to get engaged and set a date within the next few months, and if he's not ready by then you'll have to move on. Otherwise, if you just pretend everything's fine and then drop a bombshell on him in April that you had a deadline all that time, I think you're being as misleading as he was when he bought that ring and didn't do anything with it.

Oh my heart goes out to you. You sound so desperate.
But honestly, this will destroy you. He wont propose because why would he? Hes got you being perfectly wonderful by telling you hes not ready!
And then you'll pretend to leave, he'll cave, you'll both feel like shit, you wont get married because you'll be so aware he only proposed because you almost left. It all just sounds so depressing and exhausting.

Just put yourselves both out of this misery. Give him till new year if you must, but honestly, just value yourself and your dreams more than you value his.

@gettingfrustrated21

If he has seen you as a 'crying mess' for the last couple of days and knows he could easily restore your happiness and has chosen not to, then maybe he just doesn't care enough.

If a friend of yours had been a 'crying mess' in front of you for two days because she didn't have a special dress to wear to an important event and you knew you had one, in her size, hanging in your wardrobe-would you lend it to her and relieve her sadness and worry?

I'm guessing you would because you couldn't see her so sad and upset when you could easily make it all better.

But your boyfriend won't relieve you of your sadness, even though he has witnessed just how awful you feel. He has the ring, he could propose but he won't. He would rather see you in this state.

Is that the action of someone who loves you?

Why do you think this is?

If he has been married before, I totally understand his reluctance to marry again. Or divorced again.

Three years is a long time but in the grand scheme of things, it's a drop in the once an compared with the rest of your lives.

Presumably he felt certain the first time around but then things changed and went wrong. Maybe he doesn't trust his instincts any more

Did his ex leave him? Maybe he worries you will do the same and then he has two failed marriages under his belt.

You're doing the right thing. Give him a bit more time as you'll always wonder what if.

It's not a good time to move out or get back on the dating scene anyway! Give him until spring and hopefully he will realised what he wants. If not, move on.

Oh OP this all just sounds really tragic. Yesterday I was so pleased for you that you'd got the truth and taken back your power. It must have felt excruciating but at least you were walking away on your terms with your dignity in tact. But now you want to spend 6 months being the stepford girlfriend to see... What? If he's able to love that version of you enough? No complaints, no criticisms, no needs or opinions of your own? Will you be doing all the cooking and cleaning and making sure you never say no in the bedroom? Always be bright and cheerful even when you feel like shit? Make sure you're all dressed up every day? All this for a man who can't even be bothered to think for 5 minutes about how his words and actions have made you feel over the last 18 months. And then what's the plan if he actually proposes? Immediately go back to being yourself? Keep it up until you're actually married? Keep it up forever? Is this really a price worth paying to be married to this man? He's already wasted 3 years of your life, please don't let him strip you of your pride as well. Good relationships don't disempower you or require you to humiliate yourself like this.

Obviously we all don't know the exact dynamics and day-to-day life of your relationship, but my gut instinct is it really shouldn't be this hard work.

Words and promises can be powerful and persausive but eventually there comes a time to step back and look at the facts of the situation.

Try not to hanker after what you would like it to be, and focus instead on what it actually is.

Don't think about what you 'might' be losing. Let him do that when you've ended it.

After stringing you along for years, hiding a ring, going mad when you admitted to finding it, and telling you he's not ready to marry you, I'm confused why it's you that's on best behaviour and trying to prove yourself rather than him?

Oh, OP 💐
I hope things work out, whatever you decide.

A lot of really good points made on this thread!

Agree with KittenCalledBob who said you should tell him that’s it’s important for you to get engaged and set a date within the next few months, and if he's not ready by then you'll have to move on. Otherwise it’s just a bit of a bombshell and I’d be worried you won’t get the desired outcome.

And yes, like Bettina500 said,why is it you that's on your best behaviour and trying to prove yourself, rather than him...

Make sure you look after yourself!

I just don't think the stepford wife is going to achieve what you want it to op.

Would it not be preferable to have an honest conversation?

On the other hand it's a terrible terrible time to be single, so maybe hanging on until spring is not such a bad plan.

I hope you have a brilliant future and find a loving relationship and marriage if that's what you'd like.

Also hope it works out for you OP, another few months will give you time to either move on or he can 'win you back'. Don't try too hard to be a perfect version of yourself. Just be you, that's who he should be in love with. And if if doesn't work out you can move on, knowing that you gave it every chance. Good luck.

So sorry to read your update OP. He has responded so disrespectfully! So he finally got your feeling after the sex analogy!! Honestly
Although your analogy was super!!

But your latest update worries me. I don't like the sound of it at all. You shouldn't have to work so hard to leave a good memory with him!

It shows how much you admire him and you don't want him to think bad of you!! OP if he really cared to think anything of you that much he would have proposed by now!!!

You would know the ground reality best as we are only an online group but I agree with pp who said YOU need to turn around and tell him - "you know actually you are not the person who I thought you were and wanted to marry. Bye"

That will really leave a better impression of you on him than being the perfect girl! He will see a woman who stood up for herself, not a girl trying so hard for him.

And if he did really want to marry you, that's the point he should ask it. If he was just stringing you along, he will let you go.

So you get your answer and also he sees you with respect finally, as someone who stood up for themselves. That's the impression you want to leave with him.

Playing perfect now will only come across to him that not proposing was a good idea!!

Best wishes

Please think carefully before your next step as you know your reality better than us who are an online group x

When men aren't ready it means they don't want to, you could waste another several months hoping but it still doesn't happen, why would he make you wait if you're the right one, seems a bit cruel to me knowing how much you want to, even having the ring there but to let you wait it out.

It's not making you waiting it out but he'll let you!

So you're going to spend the next few months desperately trying to be proposal worthy, twisting yourself out of shape?

This is so sad. You deserve so much better. And maybe think about counselling for your self esteem? Wishing you luck OP you sound lovely and I hope you find the strength to tell this man he doesn't deserve you.

I think the overall consensus on here is that I should leave now. And that was what I was going to do. However on thinking with a slightly clearer head I came to a few conclusions and this is why I have decided to give him a chance to prove himself, now he knows how much this means to me.

1. We’re in the middle of lockdown, so not exactly going to be moving on anywhere anyway. I can use this time to make some proper decisions.
2. I can walk away at any point
3. When I say the best version of me. I don’t mean be someone I am not, I just mean think twice before I moan at him about silly things or be more considerate in terms of simple things like making coffee when he’s working more, be more affectionate or attentive instead of preoccupied with mundane stuff. I don’t mean give him sex on demand or walk around trying to look like a supermodel all day long or turn into Nigella in the kitchen.
4. I know that if I walk away now he will propose because he has made it very clear he does not want to lose me. I don’t want a proposal under those circumstances. I don’t want to risk walking away and him proposing to stop me. I also made it clear I don’t want the ring just to stop me crying. So I made it very clear he is not to give it to me at this point.
5. He is well aware of how important this is to me now. I do genuinely think he didn’t realise how I had anticipated it so much, after talking again at length last night. I think I need to give him the chance to rectify his major fuck up, not immediately, but in the next couple of months.
6. He says he does want to marry me, but previous failed marriage has made him nervous and he needs to be sure. He is sure he loves me more than anything but that this is a huge step for him and he has to make sure he can make it work. This is the one I’m struggling with, but I can also see his point. I was in a previous relationship for quite a few years and we never got married. Where dp is nervous of getting married again, I am nervous of not getting married again, if that makes sense.
7. In every other way he is lovely. And I do love him. He is caring, considerate, does put me first, great in bed, works hard and generally does make me feel special. Don’t get me wrong he has his faults, no one is perfect but he is a good guy.
8. I am not sad or desperate. I am financially independent and have no need to have a man in life if I don’t want them there.
9. If I don’t do this my way, I will always wonder if he’d have actually got around to asking me. I do not want a proposal from him just because I’m walking away. I want a proposal because he wants to ask me. Now he knows I am needing this in the very near future, he knows he needs to make that decision. I will not tell him of my timescale as such but I will indicate to him that he needs to make a decision very soon.

10. By creating scenarios perfect for a proposal I will not be building up my hopes, as I’m engineering it. This will though prove to me that if after these scenarios there’s still no proposal, he really isn’t ready and I can move on. Also, he is a bit crap at organising things so its also a bit like a little shove up the backside. Hes a guy after all and attention to detail can be somewhat lacking.

I know it sounds like I’m doing the ‘pick me dance’ which in a way I suppose I am, but I’m doing it under my terms. There are no other contestants. And I want this man to want to marry me, so of course I am going to make an effort with him. Just like if we get married, I would expect him to make an effort for me too, complacency is not a good thing in a relationship.
And once engaged if he stops making the effort, I can still walk away.

I will make sure I report back here if a proposal happens and also if it does not.

I hope I will be reporting back before April! But if not, I will come back and let you know you were all right and the next person in my position needs to listen to you guys!

Good luck op. You sound a lovely person, and I really hope it works out for you (be that marriage, or a break up). One thing I would say though - if he does ask, and you even consider saying yes, for goodness sake get another ring - I doubt you’ll view that one the same way again.

Well, obviously, you have to do what you think best but I don't get why you feel you have to wait 6 months and in those months be this great person.

If he loves you he loves you as you are not as some supposed perfect woman.

I get he has been married before so is wary but for goodness sake you have been together 3 years and are living together. If he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with you why is he staying now?

Sod the big proposal which, to be honest, is pretty pointless if you are living together. He could just get the ring out of the cupboard and ask you or just put it on your finger.

I know I am old fashioned but I thought couples lived together as a kind of trial before marrying to see that they are happy together. Me and DH never lived together before marriage but no way would I have done so without knowing marriage was going to be the outcome and not 3 years later

I want to explain in really short sentences why you are doing the wrong thing, OP, but I'm not going to. There are some lessons that need to come from experience. Good luck!

I wish you the very best OP.

You sound great.

I agree re the ring, I certainly wouldn't want something so tainted.

Just keep reminding yourself of your self worth.
He'd be a very lucky man to marry you.
Any man would be.

Be warned if he does propose after all this heartache you're going to have to prepare for the possibility of an argument somewhere down the line about the most mundane of things in which he says out of nowhere, "I never wanted to propose to you, you pressured me into it."

Not that I think stating your terms equals pressure but for men like the one you've described it seems to. I had an ex-fiance like that. We'd been casually dating and after a while I wanted something more serious. I said I want to date exclusively and that if he didn't then I'd be moving on. That's literally all I said... Cut to 4 years later when we're engaged and there's an argument about the microwave.
Him: "You TRICKED me into going out with you!"
Me: Huh?
Him: You said you'd stop sleeping with me if I didn't stop sleeping with other women!
Me: Err?
Him: I wasn't ready to stop being single.

You sound too good for him OP. I hope for his sake he realises that but I think you will be fine either way. Just don’t let him string you along for too long.

Good luck OP! You sound fab and I really hope this works out for you.

How did you get together? I think a lot hinges on that.

Did he ask you out? For that very first date?