Still hasn't popped the question

[gettingfrustrated21]

DP bought an engagement ring well over 18 months ago. We've talked about getting married but he still hasn't popped the question. Ring still sat in its box in his cupboard.
This is odd isn't it? Given when he bought the ring. Is it a case of he's waiting for the right moment or does he have cold feet? Surely if you want to marry someone and have bought a ring, you give it to them?

Are you going to stay OP?

I have a feeling you are. But give yourself a deadline in your head-don't tell him-one in which you think that he has had enough time.

You might also want to factor in what length of engagement he is looking at. For all you know, he could give you the ring with no intention of entering marriage.

If he hasn't proposed by this time, you really should go otherwise you will always be the supplicant in this relationship.

Do I give it say another 6 months and see if he is any closer or do I just walk away now?

Walking away will give you the very best chance of a proposal from him, if you still want one.

I know that sounds counter intuitive but here’s why it works: he already has a pretend marriage with you. You live together, shag, support each other, socialise together, eat together... In all ways (except legally) he is already married to you. While he’s still getting all these things he has no reason whatsoever to change anything.

If you leave, and take all these glorious things away from him, he suddenly HAS a reason to change things. He’ll miss you. He’ll miss your life together. Throw in a total lack of contact too (absolutely essential; both for you to get over it, and for him to have NO IDEA what you are doing, or feeling) and he’ll go mad for missing you.

He’ll be back with a ring within 8 weeks. Or he’ll be gone forever and you’ll be free to move onwards.

Honestly - you’ll both know in 8 weeks as soon as you leave and cut all contact.

He says he really does want to marry me, when hes ready.

OP - hard though it is, you should walk away with your head held high. I wouldn’t wait around for him. You sound lovely; you deserve much better than being strung along like this.

Oh bless you OP. I feel so sorry for you. He is so in the wrong and it doesn't sound like he will ever be ready. If he doesn't know now then it won't ever happen. Even if you did give him a kind of ultimatum and he proposed, then it would just feel forced, surely?

You are very right in what you said about leaving and finding someone who does want to be with you in the way you want. I would not want to be with someone who, after years, still 'didn't know'.

How weird of him! It's as if he thought the ring would 'hold' you while he dithered, but it would need to be on your finger with a matching wedding ring for that! A ring in a box in a cupboard is just spare jewellery, isn't it?

Your sex analogy was perfect. Any man would get that. He knows he's blown it. Who wants lukewarm food that's hung around too long and dried up? There's another analogy for you. Have a long, hard look and you will find you've lost your appetite. He's gone off. Into the recycling with him.

@MacbookHo

Do I give it say another 6 months and see if he is any closer or do I just walk away now?

Walking away will give you the very best chance of a proposal from him, if you still want one.

I know that sounds counter intuitive but here’s why it works: he already has a pretend marriage with you. You live together, shag, support each other, socialise together, eat together... In all ways (except legally) he is already married to you. While he’s still getting all these things he has no reason whatsoever to change anything.

If you leave, and take all these glorious things away from him, he suddenly HAS a reason to change things. He’ll miss you. He’ll miss your life together. Throw in a total lack of contact too (absolutely essential; both for you to get over it, and for him to have NO IDEA what you are doing, or feeling) and he’ll go mad for missing you.

He’ll be back with a ring within 8 weeks. Or he’ll be gone forever and you’ll be free to move onwards.

Honestly - you’ll both know in 8 weeks as soon as you leave and cut all contact.

But surely it shouldn't have to get to the point of splitting up for him to realise he wants to marry her...that would be more of a panic proposal and i would always wonder if it was really what he wanted.

If it takes her leaving for him to decide he wants to marry her after all, then he doesn't want it enough.

Do I give it say another 6 months and see if he is any closer
No! Imagine having to deal with this level of gormlessness for the rest of your life!

or do I just walk away now?
Yes. Duh

Hmm. I never wanted to get married. In fact when my DH brought up the subject. I'd literally panic. Oh my. Bad memories from childhood

Anyhoo. Eventually 10 years later. I got wind he would propose. 4 weeks after. He did and we've been married for years now

I'm surprised he hasn't. Though if it was the other way round. I'd just ask. I mean you want to marry this man. So surely you'd just say?

I don't get all this. Mmm. Not sure. Can I ask. Can I not? Me and my husband talk about everything. You're a partnership.

I think I’m now at the let’s be logical stage. After ALOT of thought and anguish I have decided to stay but make it clear that marriage is an important next step for me.
But, I am going to say to myself that April is my cut off point.
I will be the absolute loveliest perfect version of me that I can be during this time and I’m not telling him of my cut off point. I will create scenarios which would make a perfect occasion. Then if he’s not ready By this point and no proposal I will move on.
This way I am leaving him with memories of a lovely me and not memories of a me demanding a proposal.
And I shall stick to it. If no proposal by then. No proposal full stop.
I think by doing this I’m also giving him a chance to right his massive fuck up and I do love him so I don’t want to throw it away just because he was an inconsiderate stupid man.
If it turns out he isn’t that and actually really doesn’t want to marry me then I can at least know I did the best I could and move onto someone who will appreciate my best me in time.

So he's still stringing you along.

Despite him now knowing exactly how much marriage means to you, he still hasn't proposed.

Don't put yourself through this it will cause self-doubt and you will feel that you're not good enough every single day.

You are good enough (far too good for him). Make sure you are in control of your life and destiny. Do not put it in his hands because he is not genuine.

I think he just wants to keep you were he's got you because it all suits him without commitment.

If you have both agreed to get married, even if the date is not set, you are already engaged - the “proposal“, with a ring, doesn’t actually change the situation.

All that is needed is to set the date

Cross-post
I really hope it works out for you.
I think your plan is a good one as long as you stick to it.
Life is too short to waste precious time that could be spent on meeting the right one.
Good luck and keep us posted.

Is it the 'romantic' proposal and a 'special wedding day' that's important to you ... or just being married?

Maybe your DH doesn't want to go through the performance of a 'second wedding'.

My first wedding ended in divorce and although I did remarry I was adamant that my second wedding would be very, very low key - ie; two guests at the register office and lunch afterwards. Nothing else.
Fortunately my DH agreed (he had not been married before).

Personally I couldn't bear the thought of having a wedding reception and guests etc when I'd already done it once before? Could your BF feel like that? Although even that does not excuse him from stringing you along.

Oh dear God OP! Please dont spend the next six months try to coerce a proposal out of this fool. If you fail your self esteem will be in shreds. If you manage it are you going to carry all the load to get him up the aisle? And after that, what? Be the best possible version of yourself (I bet this means being a domesticservant goddess) for the next 20 years?

Thing is, I don’t want a proposal ‘now’ following everything that’s been said because it won’t feel right.
I’m giving him a chance to right this.
I do want to marry him and yes I wanted a romantic proposal, that doesn’t make me odd, I just want a moment of feeling totally special. Obviously that moment is now not ‘now’.
I’m not fussed about a big wedding.
I think if I give me self this time and him a chance To right this it might work out. It might not but I will feel a lot better about the situation because I feel like I have taken control of it, let my feelings known and I am giving him the chance to step up and prove what he’s saying.
If he doesn’t I can walk away with my head held high knowing it was him not me.
I don’t want a proposal under duress or threat of me leaving.
He will know this is a near miss.
And if I stick to my plan he’ll totally regret it when I walk away if he hasn’t come to his senses.

It's hard for strangers on the Internet to really understand your relationship fully but your update sounds a bit sad. You will try to be perfect for the next 6 months on hope he'll change his mind and realise how amazing you are. My ex was like this, I remember in one row he said if he really loved me, he'd have married me by now. The one and only time he was right. I'm so glad that relationship ended and I married someone else. He was of course sorry and begging to get back together/married when I finally left him. Too little, too late.

@Porcupineinwaiting I’m far from a domestic goddess but what I mean is, he’ll be missing a fabulous girlfriend not the crying mess I’ve been over last couple of days.

OP,
Trying to do a pick me dance has the potential to shred your self worth and leave you in bits.
I really think speaking to someone professionally in real life would be of a great support to you.

Please don't allow this dim manipulative man take your self esteem.

You sound like a lovely woman.

I really fear he just doesn't deserve you.

[quote gettingfrustrated21]@Porcupineinwaiting I’m far from a domestic goddess but what I mean is, he’ll be missing a fabulous girlfriend not the crying mess I’ve been over last couple of days.[/quote]
Except that you won’t be. You’ll probably be the same crying mess, but even sadder. I don’t see how this is a healthy tactic, I am sorry OP and mean this kindly.

If you’re going to have to put on this ‘perfect/fabulous’ act as part of a plan, rather than living naturally and happily, what kind of life is that?

You’re going to ‘create’ perfect opportunities, and every time he fails to take action you feel TERRIBLE. Youre a human not a robot perfect housewife/girlfriend. It isn’t a movie. If he has this mindset of waiting for a good time, Covid is going to be lingering well into spring, there’s not going to be a ‘perfect’ time, it’s likely going to be a whole lot more of imperfect time.

Also, of course you’re crying, but you’re not a mess. why shouldn’t you be upset? you shouldn’t be any less appealing, he should be wanting to correct things, make you happy, feel concerned. You’re allowed to cry. He left an engagement ring in a shared cupboard in your shared home in a place you easily found it. Like others have said, There’s something off there.

A know a lot of couples who have been in this situation, including me and DH. Of course they all only admitted it to me once I told them about my story! (I told my DH I was going to propose to him on our 3 year anniversary, if he wanted to propose to me he had 6 months to do it or break up with me).
It seems very often the man is reluctant to get married, for whatever reason. Woman gives him ultimatum.
Man proposes.
They live happily ever after.
For some reason, some men just seem to need the ultimatum!
(Don't mean to be heteronormaitive I've just only seen it in these types of couple)
Hope your DP is one of these OP, gets his act together and you can both live happily ever after. Good luck xx

I will be the absolute loveliest perfect version of me that I can be during this time

Soooooo you're hoping that whilst the real you inst good enough to even know if he wants to marry, he may want to marry a fantasy version that doesn't exist?

I mean, not to be crude, but how many smiles and fluttering eyelashes and blowjobs until you are good enough to marry?

This is a plan that will DESTROY you.

Oh op. You are about to have a lucky escape. You now know who he is. Marriage now would be tainted, and is utterly spoiled. And as for this ‘loveliest perfect version of me’ plan... words fail me. WTF is that all about - the pick me dance with yourself?? Don’t. Just don’t. Your self esteem and mental health will be ruined.

@gettingfrustrated21

I think I’m now at the let’s be logical stage. After ALOT of thought and anguish I have decided to stay but make it clear that marriage is an important next step for me. But, I am going to say to myself that April is my cut off point. I will be the absolute loveliest perfect version of me that I can be during this time and I’m not telling him of my cut off point. I will create scenarios which would make a perfect occasion. Then if he’s not ready By this point and no proposal I will move on. This way I am leaving him with memories of a lovely me and not memories of a me demanding a proposal. And I shall stick to it. If no proposal by then. No proposal full stop. I think by doing this I’m also giving him a chance to right his massive fuck up and I do love him so I don’t want to throw it away just because he was an inconsiderate stupid man. If it turns out he isn’t that and actually really doesn’t want to marry me then I can at least know I did the best I could and move onto someone who will appreciate my best me in time.

Bloody hell OP, that sounds EXHAUSTING.

Why bother? Really? Nothing you've said so far implies that he's worth that level of effort, and quite frankly it sounds like you're pretty awesome already so if he's not ready now, there's no chance.

If he doesn't love you enough for who you are now,.he's not good enough for you.

You need to just be yourself. And you can be sad-you are sad. There’s no point in pretending you’re not hurt-therein lies the route to madness.