Still hasn't popped the question

[gettingfrustrated21]

DP bought an engagement ring well over 18 months ago. We've talked about getting married but he still hasn't popped the question. Ring still sat in its box in his cupboard.
This is odd isn't it? Given when he bought the ring. Is it a case of he's waiting for the right moment or does he have cold feet? Surely if you want to marry someone and have bought a ring, you give it to them?

He's been very deceitful and underhanded stringing you along and wasting your time.

You sound really lovely OP and you will be absolutely fine.

Be very proud of yourself that your life is in your hands and not his.

Good luck x

You are a lovely, strong woman and you will survive and thrive.

He doesn't deserve you.

Such a horrible thing to do to someone.

You are worth 10 of him.

I'm sorry he has been stringing you along OP, you are definately better off without him

I'm sorry, that is really shit. It will be for the best in the long run.

I hope he has enough respect for you not to play the "ok I'll marry you then" card (then never agreeing a date to actually marry) when he realises you're serious about ending things. There have been many posters in that scenario too and it's never ended well.

Take care

Sorry it turned out like this OP, but at least you know the truth now.

I predicted upthread that if you told him about the ring he would turn it back on you. It’s a script.

As you have no children together once one of you has moved out I would cut all contact and block him, because sadly it wouldn’t surprise me if he’s married to someone within a year.

Leaving is rationally the only thing to do, because there’s nothing he can say now that will convince you that this is what he wants...

Jeez, so sorry OP .

It might not feel like it right now but moving on from someone who doesn't value you is positive movement forward in your life. No more time wasted on a road to eventual heartache. Here's to your future and the opportunity of finding someone who really wants to build a future with you.

@gettingfrustrated21 how are u now? Did you have another discussion with him?

Sorry to read your updates OP.

Sounds like the issue isn't that your day to day relationship isn't good. It's that he doesn't trust himself and his instincts enough to be sure he won't go through another painful breakup at some point in the future. It sounds like perhaps he hasn't processed his previous break up enough to understand that your relationship isn't that relationship. So he's once bitten, twice shy.

Perhaps the prospect of a painful breakup now will make him do that work double speed and you can get back on track. If not then he could be ruled by that fear of repeating the past for many years to come.

Thank you all. We had a long discussion last night. He said he bought the ring because he knows he wants to marry me - someday. But not right now as he isn't ready right now.
I pointed out how horrible it was then to say he wanted to marry me, show me rings, measure my finger and actually buy one when he wasn't ready, leading me to believe a proposal would be fairly imminent. He said didn't realise I would think that (yes, indeed, wtf). I think anyone would think that. So I put it into context of sex:
Me to DP: Lets say I said to you I want to have sex with you. I then take off all my clothes and kiss you. You would probably assume sex would be pretty imminent, because I said both the words and actions to lead you to think it.
Then lets say, you get all turned on and excited and I then tell you, 'oh but not yet. I don't think I'm ready just yet. Sorry if I gave you the wrong idea there'
DP: OK I see your point.
Anyway, I've stopped crying. I have no idea really where we are actually going to go with this because I have some big decisions to make. He does seem very upset by it all though and has apologised for mentioning marriage and buying a ring without thinking how it would affect me. He says he really does want to marry me, when hes ready.
I'm still stuck on the fact he isn't sure yet. I just think if hes not sure now, he might never be and thats what I have to decide. Do I give it say another 6 months and see if he is any closer or do I just walk away now? I do love him, obviously and want to marry him, but its all a bit shit now anyway. I think my romantic dreams are long gone whatever I do.
So although I am no longer crying, I am still feeling very flat and down.
The whole not being ready thing has really hit me hard, because I honestly thought he was feeling the same as me. That is the bit I am not sure I can get past.

"Isn't ready"? Fuck sake, he's not 22. From what you've said the two of you are full-grown adults. I'm not one of those who is hardcore about "he either wants to marry you or he's a chancer", but I think it's very clear that "I'm not ready" actually means "I don't really want to marry you".

I'm so sorry. I wouldn't wait around in this situation. "I'm just sort of amorphously not ready, but I may become ready, but only if you are a good girl and wait patiently indefinitely" has a strong tendency to actually mean "I'll never be ready, at least until I fuck off and marry someone else, maybe someone younger".

He'll never be ready.

Oh OP,
It's very hard to imagine a man so dim and obtuse not to to think your conversations 18 months ago would make you think what you did.

I actually find it hard to believe anyone could be that stupid.

He has indeed ruined any proposal with his behaviour and he needs to own that.

I'm glad you have stopped crying.

At the very least this must surely have taken a lot of the shine from him, which is no harm.

I don't know if he is good enough for you and you are still no wiser.

Personally I find it beyond manipulative that 18 months ago he bought the ring, but still doesn't know mind.
Maybe I'm just a jaded women, but I just don't buy it.
It's just a little bit too convenient.
I think he knew bloody well what he was doing.

Whatever you decide, I hope you think long and hard and listen to your gut, because I just think you are being played a little bit by him, despite his bewildered upset.

Is he really THAT thick?

To go to all the trouble of buying a ring when he's not sure of you at all.

Is he a bit manipulative in other ways?
Start looking at other behaviours to see if there is a pattern.

I would suggest you look at moving out to take some time to see how you feel.
It must be hard to look at him and this space could be helpful.

The danger for you OP is that you could wait for years until he feels ready but why should you?
I don’t know anyone who would buy an engagement ring without planning to propose with it, I mean what would be the point?

I agree with billy; at worst he is manipulation, at best he is ridiculously indecisive. Neither quality is attractive. You deserve and will find much, much better.

Sounds like my brother in law to some degree. He did get as far as "engaged" status but it was a borrowed ring from his Mum and a "here you go" rather than a gesture of love or romance. They are still not married 15 years later, though him still yet (to be arsed or care) to get divorced would kind of prevent that. I've no idea why she stays.

I'm not sure I could get past it either OP and after his "not seeing it like that" would have upset and pissed me off further. He's either thick or an arse, neither are good. I hope you feel better soon.

'When he's ready' - what does that even mean. What does he expect to change in the future to convince him? What doubts does he have? Or is he expecting a bolt from the sky to say, 'go forth and marry'.

I'm sorry, OP. If there are no concrete reasons he isn't ready (like you've both been arguing loads or not getting on or facing financial difficulties or family health scares etc) - he will never be ready. I think he realises that but the thought of breaking up is scary and sad for him so he's likely hoping his feelings do change in time. But they won't, because feelings should grow over time and his seems to have plateaued. That's not good before you're even married.

Only you can decide how much longer you wait for him to 'get ready'. But certainly start taking more space from him and getting prepared for a life without him. Once lockdown eases, take a trip somewhere if you can, without him. Let him see what life is like without you. And you can see that you'll cope just fine without him. X

What are his reasons for not being ready? You're living together in a committed relationship, what does he think will change
I don't believe that he couldn't see he was leading you on. Also very strange to think he could hide a ring in the house indefinitely and it wouldn't be found.
I wouldn't waste anymore time on him personally. If he's not 'ready' now then he won't be in 6 months, 12 months, and so on. Even if you got engaged would you now be truly happy with it? Maybe you both need to time apart to reassess.

Very sorry for you op but it might help to reverse it and imagine you were not sure, or not ready to get married. It really isn't necessarily because he doesn't love you enough. He has been thoughtless and hopeless but also honest. If it's deal or no deal for you then I am really sorry. For me it wouldn't be an issue. I would prefer not to get married but I would if DP was to pick that hill.

He may never be ready and actually to me seems quite happy as he is. What on earth is he going on about, marrying you is not some "good conduct" prize nor should it at all involve you hanging around waiting for him to be ready?!.

Honestly I would show him loss and walk away from him as soon as you are able to do so. How dare he treat you like this as well. Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied. He is not worthy of you and he is not the man you thought he was.

I would move on, even if he says 'he's ready' in six months, how will that make you feel?

Keep your dignity, end the relationship.

If he'd been totally honest in the first place and said something like 'my first marriage was very unhappy and I have made the decision never to remarry' then at least you know where you stand but to actually buy a ring and then dangle it like a carrot is really immature. What is he waiting for? .

So now if he decides he is ready (because he doesn't want to break up either), he could give you the most amazing, romantic proposal in the world but you would be wondering in the back of your mind if he was pressured into it (in his mind), rather than it being the spontaneous, from the heart gesture you wanted.

Self respect is very important to me.

I couldn't look at a man so supposedly thick that he couldn't see what he was doing and frankly I just wouldn't buy it.

Self respect would have me turning this on it's head and telling HIM, he just isn't the man I thought he was.

That I just don't think I can be with someone sooooooo DIM.

He's in his 30's ....he knows.
His feels have stalled but he's not sure of a Plan B so will keep going until Plan A appears.

Don't be Plan B.

You deserve so much more.

@SummerHouse

Very sorry for you op but it might help to reverse it and imagine you were not sure, or not ready to get married. It really isn't necessarily because he doesn't love you enough. He has been thoughtless and hopeless but also honest. If it's deal or no deal for you then I am really sorry. For me it wouldn't be an issue. I would prefer not to get married but I would if DP was to pick that hill.

Not wanting to is certainly someone's prerogative, but that's a different thing from just vaguely "not being ready". And if you don't want to get married, fair play to you, but it would be probably best not to agree with your partner that you want to marry her, and buy an engagement ring in her size, as OP's partner has done.

"Not being ready" to marry someone you live with and are supposedly/apparently committed to, once you're both out of youth, doesn't really make any sense. What exactly is going to happen to make you ready? Either you aren't actually committed or don't actually love them enough. Or you don't actually want to get married and are spinning them a line.

So he now expects to hang around and wait? How long for?

*you to