Still hasn't popped the question

[gettingfrustrated21]

DP bought an engagement ring well over 18 months ago. We've talked about getting married but he still hasn't popped the question. Ring still sat in its box in his cupboard.
This is odd isn't it? Given when he bought the ring. Is it a case of he's waiting for the right moment or does he have cold feet? Surely if you want to marry someone and have bought a ring, you give it to them?

@Ragwort

Is it the 'romantic' proposal and a 'special wedding day' that's important to you ... or just being married?

Maybe your DH doesn't want to go through the performance of a 'second wedding'.

My first wedding ended in divorce and although I did remarry I was adamant that my second wedding would be very, very low key - ie; two guests at the register office and lunch afterwards. Nothing else.
Fortunately my DH agreed (he had not been married before).

Personally I couldn't bear the thought of having a wedding reception and guests etc when I'd already done it once before? Could your BF feel like that? Although even that does not excuse him from stringing you along.

Oh my gosh. Same!

My DH was married before. Oh. I was adamant I didn’t want too. But we did. Very very low key. We had 12 guests. Including our own children. My parents. His parents and his best man and their family. My best friend. That was it. It was the best day. His first wedding was huge. Some 400 guests. Ours had 12! My only stipulation was to get married in the church I go too. That’s it. We even thought about getting fish and chips on the beach after!

I have to say. I’m impressed OP. With your attitude. However can I just offer some advice. You say you’ll be the perfect you. You’ll create perfect scenarios. That’s a whole lot of work. The perfect you isn’t who he would marry. It’s you with all your flaws. It’s so much work

A man who wants you. Wants you.

I’d maybe do what you’re doing. But I’d forget the perfect you and the perfect scenario. Just be you and give it 5 months or whatever (if it was me. I’d be gone. A man only get one shot with me. Lols). But that’s ok.

Good luck OP

@NataliaOsipova

And I want this man to want to marry me,

This is going to sound harsh - but this is the problem. At the moment, he pretty obviously doesn’t.

In my experience, men are actually pretty simple creatures. You don’t have to agonise over whether a man is really into you or not; if he is, it’s obvious. And if a man really thinks that you are it, “the one”, he won’t worry that he’s “not ready”. As a pp said, this isn’t a serial commitment phone; this is a man who has been married before and who is happy enough to be in a long term, cohabiting relationship.

I agree with the pp who said that the best way to get him to want to marry you is to walk away. Nothing is more likely to get him to come to his senses and realise that you’re “the one” than actually having to face the consequences of being without you. Seeing what his life is like without you there. And if he doesn’t realise that, then you are truly and honestly better off without him and getting on with your life. You deserve to be with a man who wants to marry you; if he doesn’t, he doesn’t deserve to have you.

This! I literally said this to my husband

I made him wait 10 years before I would accept his proposal.

Men are just not that into details. As much. Not all men. Some men are fabulous. But if a man wants to marry you. He will

You’ve even had the whole I’ve seen the ring. He still doesn’t want too.

You’re now going to give it another 6 months and not mon. Make him more coffees. Create scenarios

My heart breaks for you lovely. You sound strong. You deserve someone who adore you. Even after all these years. My husband still tells me how beautiful I look. Every. Single. Day. Without fail.

That’s what you want. My husband was married before. Horrid bad marriage. But he still wanted to marry me.

With every update. My heart breaks for you.

Thought I would give you all an update.

I eventually got a half hearted proposal just before christmas. Not the romantic proposal I envisaged, but one none the less.
But it felt, well, odd. he didn't seem like he wanted to shout it from the hills how happy he was that we were engaged. In fact he didn't even tell anyone for a few days after.
So it just all felt a bit, flat.
I wanted to be excited, but I just couldn't because it didn't feel at all like I knew it should feel.
And any attempt I made to discuss wedding plans were met with we'll talk about it later, just do what you want, and some references which implied it should be as cheap as possible. (I did not want a big wedding anyway, but it did hurt to think he essentially wanted to spend as little as possible on it).

So, January. We have an argument over something or other. And there it is. I told him it doesn't even feel like he wants to marry me.
And bingo
He only asked me because he felt pressured into it. Oh, but he definitely wants to marry me, but he wanted to ask me when he was ready and on his terms. And we are definitely going to get married, but he has no idea when. Could be 1 year, could be 10.

Fuck that. After building me up so much and then doing it the way he did and then telling me he didn't actually want to do it.

You were all right. I am devastated and have been sporadically crying for the last few months every time I think of what should have been and now has no chance in hell of happening. And that I've wasted my time and my heart on someone who then did this.
And that I was a complete and utter idiot thinking I had finally found my one true love.

To anyone else in the same situation. Just leave. Men are dicks and if they aren''t ready they never will be. Don't waste your time.

Sorry to hear he turned out to be a frog op.

Good on you for showing him the door.
Onwards and upwards!

DP bought mine 3-4 weeks before we went into lockdown he was waiting for a nice evening out to do it, then everything shut he waited a few months but then his worry of me finding it meant he just proposed on a family walk and honestly it was perfect just us & the kids and I wouldn't change a thing.

Could it be he's waiting to do a specific and with covid shutting down the world he had no option but to wait until his choice is available again?

Well my post just now seems stupid as I didn't see your update.

Why not ask him? You obviously want to get engaged

@3babylady

Well my post just now seems stupid as I didn't see your update.

Mine too whoops

@3babylady Your proposal sounds lovely and thats what I would have loved too. Because it was meaningful and your DP obviously wanted to be engaged. Congratulations by the way.

When I actually asked him what he had planned, in order to do it his way, he said he hadn't actually got a plan yet. So he hadn't even thought about it!

And yes @Wanderlusto
Onwards and upwards

Oh OP, I really feel for you. You were lead on and you gave him a chance but he is the one who caused all of this.

Don’t let him rewrite history, he didn’t propose because you put pressure on him. He created the mess by of his actions and caused the emotional hurt to you and therefore the pressure.

You will move on from this and find the right person for you

Maybe it's his way of keeping you hanging on.

Lots of couples on MN aren't married.

If the marriage was so important it may have been better to marry before moving in together. He probably feels he's stable and happy so what's the rush. The rush is you want the marriage and he's happy the way things are.

He may love you and be a good partner but you seem to want the romantic hero from novels, the big gesture, doesn't sound like him, he sounds the happy and steady partner type.

I’m so sorry, OP.
Please don’t tell us you’re still living with him? Have you at least broken up?

I hope you kept the ring. I bloody would.

Good for you!

Onwards and upwards. X

@BigFatLiar

Lots of couples on MN aren't married.

If the marriage was so important it may have been better to marry before moving in together. He probably feels he's stable and happy so what's the rush. The rush is you want the marriage and he's happy the way things are.

He may love you and be a good partner but you seem to want the romantic hero from novels, the big gesture, doesn't sound like him, he sounds the happy and steady partner type.

@BigFatLiar Such men are only "happy and stable" because they're being allowed to have their cake and eat it. I.e. all the benefits of marriage without any of the responsibilities. If they didn't get these benefits with their easy back door escape option then they'd be long gone. They're never against all the benefits of marriage are they e.g. easy sex, emotional support, generally reduced financial burden etc etc, it's just always happens to be the commitment part of marriage that they "don't believe in" or "aren't ready for"! 🙄

If a woman actually wants legal commitment instead of just being a good-for-now live in girlfriend that can be dropped at any time (along with any children) with virtually no consequences to the man, she has every right to want that and to seek out a man on the same page.

Women aren't put on earth to cast aside their own desires in order to pander to desires of non-committal men. Such men can jog on.

Superbly put @LivBa

Did you leave him?

I'm sorry it worked out like this OP, you deserve so much better. I hope you have good friends and family around you to support you right now.

So sorry OP, I hope that he’s now firmly kicked ti the kerb and you’re able to start to move on

Sorry to hear this OP. Hope you are ok.

Such men are only "happy and stable" because they're being allowed to have their cake and eat it. I.e. all the benefits of marriage without any of the responsibilities. If they didn't get these benefits with their easy back door escape option then they'd be long gone. They're never against all the benefits of marriage are they e.g. easy sex, emotional support, generally reduced financial burden etc etc, it's just always happens to be the commitment part of marriage that they "don't believe in" or "aren't ready for"! 🙄

Does that go for all the women here who are happy with their long term non-married relationships? They're just having their cake and eating it?

The key thing isn't that he hasn't rushed to marry but that she wants the marriage and he's not that bothered. Presumably a quick trip to the registry office on a Thursday lunchtime would be ok?

They're just different. She's keen to go ahead he's in no hurry. If the marriage is more important than the relationship for her she may be out of luck.

Time to move on and next time marriage before moving in. Priorities.

I’m so sorry OP. I remember your post and wondered what happened. I assume you have broken up with him?!

He is an idiot. Ultimately if you really love some one and want to be with them and they are dead set on marriage then do it. If you break it down simplistically It’s really no different day to say other then a little more complicated should you break up.

Better this way than a bitter divorce later on, it's so hard I know. Give yourself time to heal.

You deserve so much better, when you meet the right man it won't be anything like this but everything like how it should be. You won't ever look back.

Good Luck!

Onwards and upwards you deserve so much more