Still hasn't popped the question

[gettingfrustrated21]

DP bought an engagement ring well over 18 months ago. We've talked about getting married but he still hasn't popped the question. Ring still sat in its box in his cupboard.
This is odd isn't it? Given when he bought the ring. Is it a case of he's waiting for the right moment or does he have cold feet? Surely if you want to marry someone and have bought a ring, you give it to them?

His friends are either married or single.
We’re not exactly spring chickens either. If he’s changed his mind it’d be good to know because I haven’t changed mine and do want to marry him.

Maybe he bought it cause you love it and was worried he wouldn’t be able to find it again when he does want to propose? 😁

Sounds like he brought it because you like it right size right price buy he's not at the place of getting married yet.

Does he know you know it's there?
Are you hoping to have babies after you get married and that could be scaring him?

I think if he doesn't know you know, I'd start a conversation about covid, all these cancelled weddings focusing people on what's important blah blah if he still wants that for you both in the future and if he is affirmative end with a comment about waiting for him to get down on one knee.

You make it clear you want to be asked and would likely say yes

Ok, so maybe not so odd? Although its not like we'd get married the second he asked, but i'd have thought 3 years would be long enough to know if you want to spend the rest of your lives together. And he has the ring.

We are having lunch together shortly, I will broach the subject again and see what reaction.

I think once he didn't propose as soon as he bought the ring and instead put it in the cupboard the momentum slowed.

It could be he's now feeling happy and settled and even if he knows he wants to be together with you forever, he's already living his forever. The momentum needs to be retrieved somehow so he feels keen to take the step and pop the question.

"End of 2020 coming up. If we got through this year ok together i think we can get through most things. Vaccine coming, hopefully less restrictions, it would be great if we could start planning your futures again. What are you most looking forward to doing in 2021? Do you still feel our future is together? I do and I would love to be your wife whenever you are ready. We haven't talked about it much recently but my feelings haven't changed"

@SleepingStandingUp no there would be no children. Both is definite agreement to that.
He has been married before, I haven't. So i'm also thinking its not a big deal to him? I hope thats not the case.

@Choux good one, I'll go along those lines.

We just discussed getting married. I find the proposal idea a bit archaic especially when women hang around waiting for a proposal. I also find people who get engaged but don't then sort out a wedding date odd.

My sister has bee married three times, it's always mattered to her because she's loved each one of them at the time. But he may not see any urgency which i suspect is the issue here, hopefully

Maybe he’s waiting until we’re not in a global pandemic? Maybe he had no intention of doing it soon but wanted to get the ring you like while it was available? Who knows. But I don’t think 3 years is a very long time relationship-wise. (Depending on your ages of course)

It sounds like he bought the ring for when he proposes because he wouldn’t have remembered which one it was.

But if you think you should be talking marriage by now then have the conversation.

As there aren’t going to be any children then it’s possible that he just hasn’t thought of it beyond he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, which he currently is doing.

FWIW me and DP talked marriage around two years into our relationship, went out and bought a ring and got engaged.

And then life sort of took over. Serious illness and logistical reasons why marriage wasn’t possible, and 5.5 years ago we’re still together but marriage has never happened, and yesterday he told me that he’d told a friend of his when he asked when we were getting married that the marriage bit isn’t that important, that obviously we’d like to be one day but that in the scheme of things it’s not the be all and end all.

There aren’t going to be any children, we’ve both been married before, at the moment we can’t even live together for logistical reasons, and we’ve been together so long now that marriage would just seem like something to do rather than a big statement, iyswim, so it doesn’t bother me that he now feels like that. In fact he was the one more thinking about marriage and now he’s the one who has backed down.

Is it possible that now you’re living together, there aren’t going to be any children, he doesn’t really think of it as necessary?

If it’s something you really want then I would talk to him about it.

just ask him OP

OH MY WORD.

Its 2020. Ask him to marry you. But not if you're the higher earner with more property/pensions etc. Marriage is detrimental to women's happiness, don't make it detrimental to your finances as well.

What happened?

Marriage is detrimental to women's happiness, don't make it detrimental to your finances as well

Speak for yourself, not the rest of us!

Hopefully you’re engaged now, OP?

If not, I’d wait for now as there’s Christmas and NY coming up. If nothing has harkened by Feb 15th next year I’d personally go nuts 😂

I can see why anyone planning to propose this year would have put it off to be fair!

So I brought it up at lunch. He says he definitely still wants to get married, he’s waiting until the right moment. He wants it to be right.
So not sure if he’s planning something spectacular and lockdown messed if all up or he’s just making an excuse because we’ve had some great moments which would have been perfect. Or perhaps he forgot

Anyway, the subject has been broached so it’s back out there and we shall see.
I’m hoping for something at Christmas. Or new year. But not holding my breath.
However if by next June I think I’ll just have to blurt out give me the damn ring already and then we’ll really know, won’t we. Lol

If you chose the ring together and you've already discussed marriage, you're not going to feel like a swooning Victorian heroine, no matter what he does. So you might as well speak up.

However if by next June I think I’ll just have to blurt out give me the damn ring already and then we’ll really know, won’t we. Lol

agreed OP 🌺

Sounds like it’s time to stop thinking like ‘a heroine in a victorian novel’, OP, and time for a practical, honest, adult conversation about your relationship, marriage and the future.

Can you not put it on while he's out and when he walks in show him your left hand and say 'look what if found!!!' and then look at him expectantly with a huge grin on your face? I mean, I'd never wait for a man to suggest anything if it were something I wanted as I'd go ahead and suggest it myself. But since you're being traditional maybe that could be a way to do it?

So I brought it up at lunch. He says he definitely still wants to get married, he’s waiting until the right moment. He wants it to be right. tbh I couldn’t do with all this game playing on his part.

I do understand that you want him to propose to you, but it’s just hideous to dangle a carrot of “I want it to be the right time,” meaning that you’ll always be anticipating, wondering, “will it be Christmas? Will it be new year? Oh, we had a lovely evening tonight, wonder if he’s going to propose?”

So on that basis, does it mean that if you proposed to him he would say no because the timing wasn’t right and he wanted to be the one to do it?

He’s playing games. It’s awful.

If he asks and you say "yes", the moment was right!

Sounds like there's a bit of power play going on. Perhaps not completely consciously, but that's what it is.

If you both really wanted to get married, you would have been at the "planning a wedding" stage by now, or already married.

@BlueThistles

However if by next June I think I’ll just have to blurt out give me the damn ring already and then we’ll really know, won’t we. Lol

agreed OP 🌺

Now you've broached the subject, you should know by Feb 15th.

If he lets Christmas, New Year, valentines and maybe a birthday go by plus any number of nice moments with dinners at home, country walks etc and nothing has happened by 15th Feb then perhaps he's not just waiting for it to be right. Or he doesn't know how to see when it's the right time.