Still hasn't popped the question

[gettingfrustrated21]

DP bought an engagement ring well over 18 months ago. We've talked about getting married but he still hasn't popped the question. Ring still sat in its box in his cupboard.
This is odd isn't it? Given when he bought the ring. Is it a case of he's waiting for the right moment or does he have cold feet? Surely if you want to marry someone and have bought a ring, you give it to them?

This thread is very sad. It doesn't sound good OP. It sounds like carrot dangling.

I've told him I know about the ring. And asked why its still in the cupboard. We ended up arguing. Apparantly I'm putting pressure on him. He also admitted its because he wants to make sure hes sure and doesn't make a mistake, like with his first marriage.
I think we're breaking up. I'm so upset. This essentially means he does not love me as much as hes been saying he does. How can he not be sure if he loves me more than anything on the planet? I'm pretty much in pieces right now. I feel like a complete fool.

I mean how can he not be sure when he has been telling me he loves me more than anything on the planet.

@UntamedWisteria

Holy crap, did feminism never happen?

I wouldn't have behaved like this with my partner 20 years ago, let alone now....

Just discuss it like 2 adults.

This x 100.

Who waits for a proposal 18 month after they have picked the ring?

This. is supposed to be the best time OP, honestly if he is playing these games now, marriage will not be full of joy.

Oh, OP, I am so sorry - please ignore the passive aggressive post I have above. BUT, please listen to my point that he has been playing games with you and you are in the happy phase of a relationship --- this does not bode well for a long term relationship.

I know you are unhappy now, but he has been playing a game with you for 18 months and when you challenge him, he put the blame on you, you deserve so much more. And I hope you now find yourself free to find it.

OP - I know you must be feeling really upset right now. I can just imagine, having gone through my fair share of heartache. But I think it’s ultimately good that you pressed the issue - because otherwise it would continue to be on your mind, and you would continue to wait and be disappointed. And that’s no way to live happily.

So sorry fir you OP but the writing is on the wall fir this one, he's been feeding you all of the lines to keep you on his kitchen and bed but essentially waiting to see if a better option turns up. What a git.

I'm so sorry OP, what a terrible response from him

I think if he's not sure after 3 years, he's not the one for you. Do you really want to wait around while he decides? Like you're on some permanent job interview?

You are NOT a fool though, please don't think that. You're a nice person who believed what he was telling you.

Absolute fxxker.

I'm so OP.

You poor pet.
I can imagine this is terribly upsetting.

But he is absolute scum, giving you the deliberate run a round.

I can imagine your heart is breaking now, but believe me MN is full of stories of men like this and the women have multiple children, give up careers to find themselves in appallingly vulnerable positions when they finally get told they have absolutely NO intention of marrying them.

He is showing you his character.
Utterly without honour.

Be strong and walk away from this awful man who doesn't deserve.

He couldn't possibly really love you and treat you so poorly.

I am so sorry.

Please reach out for support IRL.

So very sorry to read your update. That was indeed a terrible response from him; he is really full of excuses and that is his true character. Be strong indeed and walk away from him, you can rebuild your life without him and you will feel stronger for doing so.

But he is absolute scum, giving you the deliberate run a round

Hold on a minute, he bought a ring. She snooped and found it. He hasn't been taunting her with it, he didn't even know she knew about it!

There's nothing wrong with someone thinking carefully about whether they want to married. If OP had been thinking about proposing but held off as she'd had a previous bad marriage, you'd be applauding her sense.
The hysteria is a bit much.

I’m so sorry OP

Don’t beat yourself up about this. You deserve more than that.

I pray you meet someone who loves you and worships you and will give you everything you want in a marriage.

Your partner/ ex knew what he was doing all along and that’s what I was referring to when I said some men will have you hanging on for years.
I mean realistically unless this ring cupboard was a narnia vortex - he knows that you obviously know there is a ring and so you of course wanted him to pop the question.

His a mug and you deserve better.

As much as you possibly can’t see the bright side right now: imagine waiting another 3 years, wasting time in the hopes that he would ask. Imagine getting married and then ending up divorced because he clearly can’t make his mind up about what he wants in life and what relationship he wants.

You got a lucky escape.

@andtheHossyourodeinon

Yes he bought the ring - after she spotted it and said she wanted it for her engagement.

And the ring was hidden in a cupboard. They live together so odds are she’s bound to find it at some point.

Come on

Oh bloody hell I’m so sorry OP.

@Porcupineinwaiting

If you want to marry him then propose to him. You are not the heroine in a Victorian novel, you have agency.

I love this comment. Why are we still giving men all the power? Why do we bestow their words, actions, inactions, lack of words with such mystery and wonder?

Woops sorry, just read the full thread and saw your update. Seriously, take the power back, you don't need to be hanging on for 18 months waiting for a fucking ring which you literally chose together!!!
Fuck him off op.
He's not sure, tell him you're not sure either that you want to spend your life with an indecisive game player.
go out and live your life without this stupid ring hanging over your head.

I'm sorry you argued but I'm not sorry you know where you stand. Go find someone who is sure you're the love if your life.

Bugger! That’s a shitter. But it’s ok, you’ve got this. You will be ok. You’ll be better than him in the long run, too. But UGH. What a bollock. I’m really sorry.

This gives you all the power back, though, which won’t feel important or even welcome now but it will later. Now you get to make the decisions. As soon as you start moving on, he’ll already be thinking, “Oops...”

It’s better that you know. And you’re not a mug! Why wouldn’t you believe him? He’s the twat here, with his wanky panic, not awesome YOU.

I think we're breaking up. I'm so upset

Take time to be upset - then move on. The relationship wasn't obviously wasn't right for either of you.

Next time, go into a relationship on an equal footing. If you want to get married, discuss it as mature equals.

So sorry OP but he sounds horrible - keeping you on but looking for something better.

You won't feel like this is right now but you can do much better

I agree with moving on. 18 months is plenty time enough to find a "special moment" even with covid, etc.

That's a really sad outcome but at last now you know the truth.
I think often we delude ourselves making up reasons why people don't do what we want when the answer is often a simple "because they don't want to" and asking him has at least clarified things even if the truth is unpleasant.

If he wasn't sure after three years of being with you and after 18 months of buying an engagement ring then I think it might be for the best that you break up, though I know it doesn't feel like it right now.

Thankyou everyone for your support.
We’ll be discussing it tonight, but I can’t be with someone who isn’t sure so I’ll be leaving. So just a horrible discussion over what’s happening next as one of us will have to move out and all the crap that goes with that.
It’s going to be very very tough. I still feel like a complete idiot but you’re right he’s the idiot. He’s lost me.
If I’m not good enough to marry and be proud to marry then I will move on.
Crying most likely, but moving on.
I’ll be good enough for someone out there.

I'm really sorry getting.
If it's any consolation I was with my ex many many years before we got married (he asked me, but he was very reluctant).
We didn't lasted very long after we married because actually it didn't feel great knowing we both weren't bothered.

At the end of the day you want to be with someone who loves and respects you, this guy doesn't sound like he's too bothered and you deserve more than that.