Still hasn't popped the question

[gettingfrustrated21]

DP bought an engagement ring well over 18 months ago. We've talked about getting married but he still hasn't popped the question. Ring still sat in its box in his cupboard.
This is odd isn't it? Given when he bought the ring. Is it a case of he's waiting for the right moment or does he have cold feet? Surely if you want to marry someone and have bought a ring, you give it to them?

I think it is odd and his response at lunch sounds on script and a bit cool.

Tell him you'd like a piece of jewellery for your Christmas present and wait to see if he produces the ring. If he doesn't, then he just doesn't want to give it to you, with all that that implies.

Or take it out of the cupboard and wait for him to ask where it's gone!

He is stalling/buying time/playing games/stringing you along. And just dangling a carrot in front of your nose tbh.

Its a power play. And don't go all naive and say that it is all "because of covid "he couldnt/hasnt been able to . It is just a simple question which he is refusing to ask.

The waiting around for a proposal is so 1900's... you can ask him to if you wanna marry the man! Or do you only want him to ask you so you can tell your friends all about how romantic his proposal was... it is no longer romantic anyway considering he has let you wait for eighteen months already

@Worriedaboutcovid19

To all the posters saying "he gets sex" and "he gets the benefits".. ummm is this the 1920s?

Do women not also enjoy sex as much as men? Why is it always suggested on mumsnet that sex is some favour women lie down and give to men.

You've obviously not been doing it right if its some sorta chore for you.

If you both enjoy sex then hes not "getting sex" so won't marry you.

Sex should never be a currency in a relationship.

Ignore those types of comments OP as its extremely damaging to women, this notion of women "giving" sex. Sigh.

@Worriedaboutcovid19 No one here said anything about women not enjoying sex or it being a chore for women. That's something you've imagined and added on yourself.

No one stays in a relationship unless their needs/desires are being met. That's a fact of life and common sense. The question the OP had is why her boyfriend hasn't proposed. His desires/needs are being met, with sex being an important one, otherwise he wouldn't stay and string the OP along. The blunt truth is that there's no need for him to propose as he has all the benefits he wants for now, including the option to easily get out of the relationship without legal obligations if he desires.
However for the OP, her own desire for marriage is NOT being met, precisely because there's no incentive for her boyfriend to change anything when he can continue to have all the benefits of marriage without taking on the risks of legally committing to her. Her desires are just as important as his, so allowing him to continuing to benefit from everything at the expense of her desire for marriage is to her own detriment. Perhaps you don't think her desires are as important, well that's your opinion.

Is all this romantic heroine stuff your idea or is he on board with it all?

I'm just asking because there's two men in my family who have used the "not the right moment" one is my bil, fifteen years and two children later they are still not married and he still says he's waiting for the right moment. Behind her back he says he has no intention and thinks it's funny that she's still waiting. I've heard him say he gets "fed and fucked" and doesn't lift a finger when he finishes work. He's an arsehole and I wish he would leave so sil can meet someone who actually deserves her.

The second is my brother and he also kept "waiting for the right moment" but it was because he was so nervous about getting it wrong, my sil had said it has to be perfect and romantic and original and traditional. So he spoke her Dad asking permission. Months later he still hadn't proposed and it turned out he was so nervous about proposing wrong that he kept bottling it. He'd think over a nice meal would do, but then he'd bottle it because it wasn't original. Her Mum ended up having a word with her and sil ended up proposing to my brother in the middle of coronation street. Sil wanted a big white wedding too but again her mother pointed out that my brother gets very nervous in crowds and hates being the centre of attention and sil halved the guest list she wanted. She's lovely and not showoffy at all, she said she'd spent a lot of time planning her dream wedding in her head but didn't factor in falling in love with a man who had social anxiety. They've been together 22 years now, married for 12.

I agree it seems odd on the face of it. Honestly, I would just admit you found it and have a conversation about when/if you’d both like to get married. Also possibly depends what age i you are, but I’d rather know if I was wasting my time, regardless of age.

@Worriedaboutcovid19

To all the posters saying "he gets sex" and "he gets the benefits".. ummm is this the 1920s?

Do women not also enjoy sex as much as men? Why is it always suggested on mumsnet that sex is some favour women lie down and give to men.

You've obviously not been doing it right if its some sorta chore for you.

If you both enjoy sex then hes not "getting sex" so won't marry you.

Sex should never be a currency in a relationship.

Ignore those types of comments OP as its extremely damaging to women, this notion of women "giving" sex. Sigh.

@Worriedaboutcovid19 You are wildly missing the point. Who even said anything about women not enjoying sex?

If it was just about enjoying it, then OP wouldn't have posted here like many other women, worried why he wasn't giving her the commitment she wants.

So now women wanting commitment is 1920s?? Really women need to stop guilt tripping other women just for showing their basic human instincts!! There is nothing wrong in wanting commitment in the relationship - it is not old fashioned.

The man is not giving the commitment she so badly wants. Why? What decent reason is stopping him?

OP - I think you should ask him directly to marry you. At least you will know what is on his mind.

Well said @LilyWater
@SantaSpreadsCovid Thanks, the first story proves my point. The second story is heartwarming

TBH the lack of a proposal wouldn’t be such an issue if the OP didn’t know there was a ring.

If they’d just talked about marriage and it just hadn’t happened yet that would be one thing. After all, there’s not necessarily any rush, we’re in the middle of a pandemic, the OP and her DP don’t want Children. And

But the fact they had a conversation about marriage, went out and looked at engagement rings, that alone would have made me think that engagement was on the cards soon enough. And then going out and buying a ring and holding on to it for eighteen months and even then saying that the right moment hadn’t happened does make a very clear statement that he doesn’t feel ready for marriage and the eighteen months ago conversation was purely for show. Maybe he got caught up in the moment hence why he bought the ring. Incidentally how much did it cost? Not that how much an engagement ring costs is important, but there would be a difference in terms of how easily he could buy a ring and forget about it if it was a couple of hundred quid vs a few grand....

Sorry hit post too soon.

OP you’ve dropped the hints now, asked if he’s serious and he’s not really given you a satisfactory answer.

I disagree that the fact there’s a ring means you’re engaged, since you’re not supposed to know about the ring.

But I would be honest with him at this stage. I would say to him that you know he bought the ring you picked out eighteen months ago as you found it accidentally and thought that he was going to propose, and given he hasn’t you now realise that he doesn’t actually want to get married.

I would bet money that he will become annoyed, accuse you of snooping, and will say that now you’ve spoiled it.

Under normal circumstances, I'd say it was odd but given COVID hit 9 months ago, could it be that any plans he had got scuppered by that and he's waiting for things to return to normal so he can do them? He might have planned a surprise holiday or weekend away that had to be cancelled? Or perhaps with all the restrictions, decided to wait until its ok to celebrate with friends and family properly?

If you've had a discussion about marriage and agreed you're going to do that then you're engaged surely? What extra does a ring give (apart from a lovely shiny thing?). Is it the visible symbol that other people can see?

I think they are not engaged because although marriage was discussed and a ring bought he is deliberately not giving her the ring. That suggests he does not want to get married at the moment.
I don't think that having a notion that somewhere in the vague distant future you might get married counts as being engaged. Other people disagree which is why some people get a ring but then continue to live together for 10 years doing nothing about actually getting married

Well exactly, it's all a bit too wishy washy then. No need to wait for someone else to steer the course of your life. If you want to be married, say so. If he's not keen, find out why. Is it the wedding itself? Lots of people just don't fancy those (cost, being centre attention all day). Or us it something else?

[quote gettingfrustrated21]@Porcupineinwaiting I know, but I always had a bit of a dream of a romantic proposal and I kinda want to feel like a heroine in a victorian novel . I know things don't always (ever) go as we dreamed them, but I want him to propose to me, not the other way around.[/quote]
Ew

I don't know, my experience of life has taught me that the simplest explanations are the most likely to be true, ie if he hasn't asked you to marry him it's because he doesn't want to.

It's simplistic, I'll grant you. But that's my experience.

What is this man on about when he wants the right time and or right moment?. When is that if ever?. Sounds like he has very real doubts.

Sadly I do not think he wants to marry you either and that is no reflection on you as a person; that is all on him. You are his "good enough for now" partner. I would actually show him the meaning of loss now; the loss of you.

Why don't you say you are getting something from the cupboard and just pretend you.dtumbled upon it. See what he says.

From what I’ve gathered - it seems like he maybe bought the ring to silence the wedding talk. You know how some men propose with no intention to marry but they don’t want their partner to know that and realise they are wasting time hanging around so he buys the ring and lets you hang on and proving yourself to him in the hopes that you will hang around forever and maybe just ‘forget about marriage - as we’ve been together so long, we’re practically married anyway’.

Also like you said; his been married before so to him maybe he doesn’t want to get married again or it just isn’t a big deal to him.

@CtrlU OP's DP has not told her that he bought a ring. She found it in a cupboard.

He doesn't know that she knows...

I would get the Ick for someone like him with his power play.

The moment is long gone and any proposal would have long lost any joy or pleasure.

18 months and dozens of chances and he is still waiting for a perfect moment. Twat.

OP,
No romance in being given the run a round like that.

Pure power play that would turn me off someone permanently.

He could keep his ring.
I would have been long gone.

18 months and you still are none the wiser after speaking to him.

He has some opinion of himself. 🙄 Ick!

Ok but she pointed out the ring so he obviously knew she wanted it... so he knows she wants to get married at some point.

The point I’m making is he doesn’t seem bothered or he doesn’t want to get married

How has there not been a "right moment" in 18 months? That is just pathetic and ridiculous.

You have been together 3 years. You could be married by now but you are not even engaged.

I don't understand why it takes so long for couples to know they want to be married and just get married. No way would I live with someone for years and not be married.

Does anyone else remember the thread on mumsnet a while back where the boyfriend took the girlfriend ring shopping literally about 20 times (I kid you not) and discussed marriage etc for a long time, only to finally admit he never wanted to marry her? This thread is reminding me of this!

The ring in the cupboard is a control thing. Of course he knows you've seen it.
I would ask him seriously and genuinely whether he honestly wants to marry you, and be prepared to hear any answer. If he says yes, then tell him you expect a proposal with the ring you know he has at any time of his choosing within the next week. If he does not do that then he does not love you enough to marry you, and any excuse he gives is just that - an excuse. You then have to make a decision going forward as to whether you want to be with someone that will not marry you, because he does not love enough to do so.