Still hasn't popped the question

[gettingfrustrated21]

DP bought an engagement ring well over 18 months ago. We've talked about getting married but he still hasn't popped the question. Ring still sat in its box in his cupboard.
This is odd isn't it? Given when he bought the ring. Is it a case of he's waiting for the right moment or does he have cold feet? Surely if you want to marry someone and have bought a ring, you give it to them?

Or... you can book a venue and send out invites. Then tell him how long he has to propose before the big day.

He’s still waiting for the right moment? After 18 months?

Do you want a romantic proposal and a 'wedding day' or do you just want to be married?

I couldn't be bothered playing along with 'waiting for the right time' you should have questioned him more closely, 'what do you mean by the right time?' - is that the right time for the proposal or for the wedding? .

And be honest with yourself, won't you feel it's a bit of a let down when (if) he does finally propose .... presumably you are good enough to share a home and bed but not marriage?

So I brought it up at lunch. He says he definitely still wants to get married, he’s waiting until the right moment. He wants it to be right.

I think there's a script that these men pass round! Honestly, on every single thread about this (and there have been plenty!) the same tired old excuse gets trotted out.

I'm an old gimmer, so I've seen this a lot, and in my experience this almost always means that either the man doesn't want to get married, or that he does but not to that particular woman. The only other explanation is that he really sees a proposal of marriage as being a reward for well-behaved women, much in the same way that I see Bonios as a treat for well-behaved sheepdogs.

I don't really understand how modern women still wait to be proposed to. Just discuss it and agree that you'd both like to do it. Another thing to consider OP is that a zilllion weddings have had to be postponed this year so there will be real pressure to find venues. If the plan is to definitely get married wouldn't it be better to book somewhere now rather than waiting another 9 months ?

@BarryWhiteIsMyBrother that’s hilarious! Might have to go down one of those routes

@DontDribbleOnTheCarpet oh god, now I’m worried.
But you have a valid point! Perhaps if I’m a good girl over the next few weeks.
Hmmm, might force this a bit more. I think I need more than a waiting for right moment speech.

Holy crap, did feminism never happen?

I wouldn't have behaved like this with my partner 20 years ago, let alone now....

Just discuss it like 2 adults.

Surely if you live together, you have agreed you want to get married and there is an engagement ring, you are engaged!

Dear lady (and all other ladies posting similar threads)
Most women know the sweet desire of being proposed by the man we love. I understand what you are waiting so patiently for.

But really in the real modern world- you are presumably sleeping with him as usual? So what incentive does he have to pop the question in the way you imagine? He gets what he most craves and he gets your company. If I read correctly you are both not looking to have children.
With marriage the only difference really would be you are legally entitled to his finances. Now why would he be in a rush to do that??
Unless maybe he really crazily madly loves you.

So what are you waiting for? Really do you have the time or energy to wait till June next year while he gets all he wants and lives on happily?

Choux's strategy is really good or you could just start wearing the ring and see what he says

18 months is a very long time.

Sorry OP but his actions indicate he's not truly on the same page as you regarding getting married and he has doubts about whether he wants to spend the rest of his life with you (but happy enough to be in a non-committed relationship with you with the sex and other benefits you give him). This is of course not saying there's anything 'wrong' with you, but a lot of men nowadays like to 'have their cake and eat it' since too many women give them all the benefits of getting married, without them needing to give the woman actual legal commitment. Plus there's the bonus of keeping the woman on 'good behaviour' since he knows she's wanting a proposal from him. The power balance therefore favours the man so he has no incentive to actually get married unless he's very sure about the woman and actually wants to commit to her. And if he truly felt that way he would have proposed by now.

He knows you want to get married so has been making the right noises to keep you happy enough to stay in the relationship. If he's left the ring somewhere where you're able to find it, chances are he's done that deliberately so you won't bug him again about wanting to get married.

We women like discussing and overthinking things but we forget men are not like that. There's no need for any further discussion in this case. Actions speak louder than words, especially with men. If he's not proposed yet, and you've been together a good while (if you've been waiting 18 months alone since that ring then you must have!), I would tell him straight that your timescales are obviously misaligned and you both want different things, and cut my losses and find someone who's actually enthusiastic about marriage and spending the rest of his life with me.

Also beware of him proposing to keep you quiet then dragging his feet to actually get married. Seen this too many times to count so don't fall for it . Covid or no covid. Remember a proposal is meaningless until the marriage actually happens.

[quote gettingfrustrated21]@Porcupineinwaiting I know, but I always had a bit of a dream of a romantic proposal and I kinda want to feel like a heroine in a victorian novel . I know things don't always (ever) go as we dreamed them, but I want him to propose to me, not the other way around.[/quote]
I've now lost all sympathy op.

He probably has no idea that you have been waiting. He doesn't know that you know about the ring, after all. If you really want to "be proposed to" then I imagine you want it to be romantic? Therefore, you'll have to just wait! There's nothing very romantic about standing there asking when he is going to do it, and then getting a proposal on demand.

What is this "right moment"? That's what I want to know.

Life isn't the movies. Real romance is getting brought a cup of tea in bed in the morning (IMO)

...a lot of men nowadays like to 'have their cake and eat it' since too many women give them all the benefits of getting married, without them needing to give the woman actual legal commitment

...in the real modern world- you are presumably sleeping with him as usual? So what incentive does he have to pop the question in the way you imagine? He gets what he most craves and he gets your company.

As unpopular as these opinions are, I completely agree. Human women are about the only species that gives sex to males without expecting or demanding anything in return. Even female insects insist blokes bring them food to eat while they shag!

The modern would is 100% set up to give endless, no-strings, easy, free sex to blokes. It’s been getting worse since the Pill in the 60s and now it’s ridiculous. These days women even disguise they have feelings or emotions just so they don’t look too keen - which actually just translates into “doesn’t even require a phone call the next day”.

If you want to get married within a reasonable timeframe, DO NOT move on with a man (aka become a free wife), and certainly don’t shag them till they’ve proven they’re nice, keen, genuine and reliable.

Don’t be so concerned about your sexual compatibility that you forget other things have to be compatible too - like your life goals, commitment, and desire not to get fucked about.

Honestly OP, you are not going to be surprised now by any gesture he makes. That ship has sailed. He'll actually spoil your Christmas and New Year slightly if he doesn't propose.
I'd take back control if I were you. Start planning your life on the assumption of no marriage. Your own mortgage, children in the future with someone else etc. Almost take marriage off the table and see your relationship exactly how it is, rather than what you hope it will become. You don't have to split up, but you might view things differently with the blinkers off.

What's he waiting for??
There is no right moment - he's missed lots of good opportunities anyway. To me the lovely and right moment is long gone now.
Tbh I would be really pissed off with him.
I bet he knows you know about the ring so why the procrastination.
I would give it a maximum of six months and then I think I would go because he could well be wasting your time/have changed his mind.

Why would you wait 7 months and then have an honest discussion? You say you’re not that young. It’s been 3 years of dating. 18 months of him sitting on a ring. It’s been plenty of time and sounds like it’s getting a bit silly.

Having had a massive hearts and flowers, candle lit, down on one knee extravaganza of a proposal which led to an unhappy and abusive marriage and a “let’s do it, I want to be married to you, can we pick a date” while waiting for a takeaway discussion which led to an incredibly brilliant marriage I know which I preferred, even at the time.

Ah so now you have to behave and await the big important man's decision.

Please don't allow yourself to be humiliated like this. He either wants to get married or he doesn't.

If marriage is important to you, tell him to put up or shut up.

To all the posters saying "he gets sex" and "he gets the benefits".. ummm is this the 1920s?

Do women not also enjoy sex as much as men? Why is it always suggested on mumsnet that sex is some favour women lie down and give to men.

You've obviously not been doing it right if its some sorta chore for you.

If you both enjoy sex then hes not "getting sex" so won't marry you.

Sex should never be a currency in a relationship.

Ignore those types of comments OP as its extremely damaging to women, this notion of women "giving" sex. Sigh.

But is it also going back in time that the OP is waiting for the man to propose. They've talked about getting married, there is a ring, has been a ring for 18 months, surely that means they are engaged. There doesn't have to be a getting down on one knee moment, in my mind that moment has well and truly passed.