Online dating in your 50's - mark 2

[Fiftyandmore]

Here we still are :)

Reeeallyoldbird, your name and post made me smile! The way I'm feeling at the moment (just very tired, I think) I'm full of admiration that you went out on an actual date! I'm glad it went well with no ensuing eye poking.

Fiftyandmore, I'm savouring a fairly rare day of self-nurturing in the company of our two seven-month kittens. As I mentioned above I'm pretty frazzled and know it's important for me to wind down. I really understand how despondent you feel. I had a few OLD adventures in the past and know (for me) how much energy it all takes. I also think with my two youngest children at home how much time can I really offer someone? Although I suspect once you find someone who you click with it just becomes self evident how you will share your time with them.

I was reflecting and I think age and life experience makes me much more cautious about relationships. I was in a long term relationship with a man in my late teens/20s. After many years it became apparent we were not compatible so I have learnt from that, which is why I rule out many potential candidates. I guess the lack of experience that we have when we are younger helps us to be optimistic but I might be too far the other way now. I also think alcohol may have helped with rose-tinted glasses whereas going for a walk in the cold isn't exactly conducive to romance 😅

I have had my 2 week detox so going back to OLD...

@Techway I am the same. I've been let down quite a few times. Next time round I want to take things slowly.

Oh how I want a dog, and the space to watch a black and white film on the sofa! I get no time or space to myself being in the family home - there's always football on telly and meals to fit in and washing to do. I almost want that more than I want a lovely man! That's because I haven't got it of course...

Dustymuse...' My heart sinks when I see a OLD potential date calling me. I'm such a flippping paradox. I feel a little forlorn about my single status and yet I don't have the energy and time to give to yet another man who I don't know, who I have to make polite, engaging conversation with...'
This is sooo me :)
I would like some male companionship in my life but when it comes down to it I cannot muster the energy or enthusiasm to start yet again making small talk with someone new.
My problem is of course that I have been doing OLD so long and after hundreds of conversations which on the whole lead to nothing I more or less cannot face them any more.
In the early days it was interesting and new now it is just old so to speak.
Having just checked my messages today I have been contacted by someone who tells me they are a solicitor...6ft 1 ins, with a broad chest and chunky thighs! Interesting :)

@crimsonlake he sounds promising although why mention chunky thighs!

@WeWantTheFinestWines he's a lovely dog but he's hard work sometimes! I'm lucky that I have more time now that my dc are older and can see to themselves but I do remember clearly desperately wanting more time to myself. Dc are rewarding but tiring!

Anyway my stupid replies have struck again. Was having a fairly decent conversation with someone, who said "right, we'd better get married then". I said "it depends what your surname is" - and I haven't heard from him since. I presume he thought I was being serious.

Maybe you just need to start putting 'lol' after your witty messages, thus signaling to the slower ones that you are joking. On the other hand, if they need to be told I'd say they're not worth your time. And wit. Lol.

Fiftyandmore, it is the most interesting message I have had in a while :)
No picture of the chunky thighs to accompany the message though.

I would love a dog, but sadly as I work and live on my own it is impossible. I did have a king charles cavalier who was the loveliest dog but she died a few years ago. I have two cats, one still very kittenish who torments the life out of the older one.

crimsonlake, we have more in common than our shared despondent attitude towards OLD: I too had a Cavalier King Charles who died a few years ago and now I have two very young cats.

@Fiftyandmore Re: your question - I think it was aimed at the women on the thread but since I’ve expressed that I’m choosy on the thread, I thought I’d explain what I meant by that. First, it doesn’t mean I have or cultivate loads of options, that’s far from the case. I gave a hollow laugh at @Hotchocolatey saying she’d only had one message the other day. I would be lucky to get one (that isn’t a reply) over the space of 3 months. Second, I’m not especially precise about a set of attributes I’m looking for.

So what do I mean then when I say I’m choosy ? I mean I don’t want to date as a salve for loneliness, for casual sex, to have someone on my arm. I’m up for a proper journey with someone I really, really get on with. I don’t see that as something that’s instant nor does it fit the sweep me off my feet dynamic that a lot of profiles seek. So I feel choosy because I find myself saying umm no, quite a lot. That probably sounds awfully serious and I am far from it - I do see life as a pretty exciting thing still, even now at 50, and even in this dreadful time and I do as much as I can to enjoy mine greatly, but at the same time I feel kind of protective of my own and others emotions and don’t want to do that part frivolously. Maybe I have perfectionist tendencies ?

@HairyArsedMan my question was aimed at all the lovely thread folk, of whom you are one :)

I think the reasons you give for dating are ultimately the reasons most of us are doing it for. Most of us want to connect with people who share our values and have personality traits we see as desirable, and to whom we will be the most important person and vice versa (and as a bonus who will laugh at all our jokes!) So I don't think you're choosy at all, you seem to be thoughtful and considered and to have integrity and to know what you want, and to not want to hurt anyone along the way.

I think I was trying to understand some people make statements relating to finding and getting partners which seem to me to be sweeping, but which seem to them to be perfectly reasonable and achievable. I can't think of any precise examples but at a very basic level for instance you'll hear someone decide they want a rich partner so off they go and get on, no problem. I know I'm not explaining it very well!

I am trying OLD as I am not ready to give up - I like being in a relationship however dog/ biscuits/ TV sound good. But I do think online dating creates a shopping mentality, and that is probably not a particularly good way to go about choosing a mate... always looking for something better/ picking and choosing. I would’ve have chosen my previous partner, and on paper we were poles apart, but we just got each other and were together for a long time. . And I suppose fancying each other helps. God where did it all go wrong..

I have just re-installed Bumble - last on there in July - a few old faces I had seen before .. and a few more.. but some awful photos- one selfie looked like it had been taken on the loo!

I have also have opened the Secret Santa work gift I got for someone .. yep doing over Teams.. i know I will grin and bear it.. .. It was tasty chocolate so will have to go and replace.. equivalent of opening my child’s selection box I suppose...

The more I do this the less I know what I want. Well, I do know what I want, because it's pretty much the same as everyone else. Someone whose company I prefer to anyone else's, who I can be totally honest with, who feels like coming home, someone to love and be loved by... it's how to get it that I can't figure out. And how to protect myself from the hurt when it doesn't work out. And whether I should just accept that it will never happen and stop putting myself through the constant weighing and measuring of the cattle market. And not quite getting why it never happens when I'm a kind, loving, intelligent, funny, interesting, attractive person. And I know some not very nice people who seem to be adored. At the risk of sounding like a sulky teenager, "it's not fair!" 🤣🤣🤣

Ha @WeWantTheFinestWines I so relate to what you are saying and why it has not happened
See shopping mentality on OLD

@WeWantTheFinestWines I feel exactly the same. Exactly the same!

And @Redfox I agree with all you say too. Not enjoying this, not having a whole lot of success but don't want to be alone so not ready to give up. Yet.

WeWantTheFinestWines and Redfox I second your dismay. It's easy in the early hours of the morning to feel flummoxed trying to understand why so many people seem to be loved by another and here we all are on our tod. And then I remember the men I turned down for very good reasons (healthy boundaries, hurrah!) and how strong I've become at fixing the tumble dryer or juggling finances on top of everything else. I love my own company. I just don't want to accept that I'll never fall in love again because that would be impossible to accept.

So I had my first telephone conversation yesterday with the man from OLD. The one who patiently waited this week as I was terribly busy. We talked for an hour and a half and the conversation flowed. He was respectful and easy going. It turns out he is an author. And Spanish. He was a history teacher and writer but now is able to live alone in a sizeable flat in the city centre whilst dedicating himself to writing. Apparently he used to be a Don Juan but now, at 58, he has a different outlook. I asked him to read me a couple of his poems. I must say they were really good.

Funnily enough I'm a teacher and writer too and I majored in history. It was a pleasure chatting with a likeminded person. Of course I remain very down-to-earth with low expectations. He has asked me to call him when I'm free to talk as he lives in his bubble and knows I have my children and work to keep me on my toes.

@HairyArsedMan I got a lot fewer messages on paying sites such as Bumble and Match. It's sounds like you are very genuine and know what you want.

@Fiftyandmore "thread folk" - made me smile 😊

@DustyMuse, I'm glad your first call went really well. Is there a chance you can meet up soonish?

I've had a couple of messages and one man is interesting but I'm struggling with the whole messaging thing...it's such a balance to strike between, finding out if you are compatible, being light hearted so that you enjoy the messaging but also trying to determine any deal breakers. He doesn't seem that open with volunteering info though.

2nd man suggested we move to WhatsApp after a very brief exchange, but I politely declined and he was OK with that. He is much more open but I think I'm less keen.

I'm still not that motivated however so not sure I am in the right frame of mind.

@DustyMuse that sounds interesting - how are you feeling about it/him?

Just back from a walk. It's a no from me :(. Shorter than he said he was, talked nonstop and no spark.

I'm with you @Techway on the no motivation thing.

Why is OLD seemingly filled with men who talk about themselves non stop? In the past I have given the benefit of doubt and put it down to nerves. Conversation is a two way activity not a monologue.

I wish I knew @crimsonlake! I don't know why they lie about their height either, it's not like you're not going to notice!

The keen one who followed me from Tinder to PoF is still messaging! Talk about persistent.

@Fiftyandmore, so disappointing if they lie.

@Techway it really is and I don't understand why they do it!

PoF man is really annoying me. I've blocked him again. Interestingly there's another thread on here from someone who is being plagued by a PoF man. It doesn't sound like the same one though.

I got a message from someone on Tinder saying "hi?" I responded with "hello, I'm fine thank you and thanks for matching. How are you?" His response? "Cool". Obviously extremely keen. Not.

Im 50 so I hope I’m okay here. I recently went on a dating site for the first time and a man messaged me. I said straight away I wasn’t interested for various specific reasons and he said ok but carried on writing. He’s a great conversationalist, witty, asks/answers questions etc, polite, I have no problems at all with it. Neither of us have photos up. At first it was great, I had a really good buzz from it. But this evening I’m a bit down. What do you all think? I do feel vulnerable and lonely and all that stuff. I carried on writing because I really really liked it. And still do. I look forward to his messages. I think I’m a bit depressed and tired. And need to go to bed but still have stuff to do first. It’s just a bit of fun, right? It’s ok for now?

A club mate of mine would do a lot of online chatting with guys in the aftermath of her divorce when she was lonely. She had no intention of it going anywhere, and it never did. I think it’s ok if you are upfront about that ? Longer term she met up with someone outside of online dating. It can maybe help with your conversational confidence.

I’m not sure a continued presence in online dating is that good for you though - I think well of myself but 4 years of it does leave you thinking, yep - it’s definitely me !

I had a nice walk in the fog on Saturday. Solo. My child’s school class bubble had a positive covid test and was put into isolation for 10 days. That makes me a potential carrier so it had to be solo unfortunately.