Online dating in your 50's - mark 2

[Fiftyandmore]

Here we still are :)

@Fiftyandmore sorry you've had such a bad time over the last few years. It certainly put my feeling sorry for myself today in perspective.

@Techway my fab1 man is just on fab..No other apps. It seems his more adventurous times were many years ago as talking to him its apparent he wants a very ordinary sex life. He eewwed and shook his head to everything I suggested apart from bog standard sex. I found it quite amusing being the one who has a wider perspective of sex. My assumptions of him were of some hyper sexed stallion and instead he has given me the impression he is almost pearl clutching. We were talking about fab and he said the 2 questions he gets asked are ; are you black or asian and what size is your penis.
Who knows where this will go. I am taking it one walk at a time.

Thanks for starting the new thread @Fiftyandmore. As you know, I told you when I joined the last thread, I am a widow too. It was my late husband's birthday recently and I felt/always feel, very sad around that time. Sometimes it's little things that trigger the tears too.
Be kind to yourself today. 💐

@WeWantTheFinestWines
Thanks for the tip about the American guy's sleep podcast.

I don't have trouble getting to sleep but I wake in the night (every night) and have difficulty going back to sleep.

I need to catch up on the rest of the thread now.
Lovely to have found you all!

So much grief on this site... as @hotchocolatey said, it puts my own sadness into perspective. There's also a number of people who have been in abusive relationships it seems, which must be a hard burden to carry. I'm in awe of everyone's ability to get up and get on. Having DC to focus on probably helps.

You know you're in a bad place when someone you've swiped right on actually matches with you and your heart sinks as you realise you are going to have to try to summon up the enthusiasm to chat. Not the reaction you are supposed to have when there's a mutual 'like'. Must mean it's time to give dating a break. I'm hoping lockdown easing next week means spending time with friends will become possible again, as they are the best cure for a broken heart.

So I've been reading your posts about grief and I empathise. And I thought I might post something to make you laugh. You may remember on the previous thread I met on man on the site I use who had been widowed in the last few weeks? I carried on messaging him with no thought as to actually meeting him or having a relationship with him - the truth is I felt sorry for him. You'd think I'd learn, wouldn't you, as I've come out of a 20 year relationship that I was stuck in because of feeling sorry for my ex. But I was just friendly and didn't invest emotionally. I'd eventually got to thinking that he might make a nice friend when he decides to give me more information about himself - turns out he is into spanking. Ugh. Goodbye.

@Reeeallyoldbird, lol, no good deed goes unpunished. I wonder if you had met would he have told you face to face??

@WeWantTheFinestWines, that's exactly where I was...zero enthusiasm for any messages. I took myself off as I knew I wouldn't be myself and it felt like a chore to respond.

That said...I did go back quickly for an experiment, if I didn't like my age range was there perhaps someone younger 40+ that would be interesting?? I just thought that perhaps I was struggling with older men. Unfortunately my experiment didn't alter my perception, those in the dating pool a decade younger were still unengaging. If I select my criteria, age, location, education level, non smoker, doesn't want children, online recently - there really isn't many candidates. This is Match which I know isn't for everyone but I really couldn't get on with POF and swiping. Perhaps now is not a good time and lockdown ending will help??

I see the same thing @Techway - but once you've got the search saved, you'll get emails when new people fall into it. Saves a lot of messing about. I do the Daily Shuffle 100 randoms thing on there occasionally just in case someone has slipped through my search criteria.

Hi new here, joined Ourtime this week.. what is it with guys wanting to chat via WhatsApp or personal email?? You get email notification for chat reply so what's the point?? Is this normal? Are they iffy??

I've not used OurTime.

I'd hesitate on ever sharing personal email. WhatsApp is something I would only move to when a date is planned, as it's convenient for sharing location etc.

It could just be easier for them to send images/share amusing/interesting stuff through WhatsApp than through the site. I suppose if they are up to no good, then off site is the place they'd be wiser to do it ... (or risk being banned).

I'm not messaging offsite at all, only been on there 4 days. It's a whole new world out there, which sites do you & others use?

To be honest I view anything that markets itself for 'the over-50s', like OurTime, with HUGE suspicion. They tend to be patronising for a start, lots of beige and slippers. But more so, they're a ripoff. I looked at 'Over 55s' life insurance policies on a comparison website and I could not BELIEVE what poor value they offered. An adviser rang me and I said how deeply unimpressed I was. He freely admitted that the product was designed for poorly over 55s with health conditions, but they had no objection to ripping off any unwary, healthy over-55 who came along. Grrr.

Sorry, derailing rant over!

@TrickOrSlayTrickOrSlay, welcome to our merry gang. Can you say roughly where you are SE, North etc? I'm on Match which is part of Ourtime, I believe.

I don't mind WhatsApp after a period of time chatting via message. I prefer to have a phone chat before meeting someone as I have screened a few people that way who appeared fine on message but I knew we wouldn't get on if we met, after talking

If you move to WhatsApp you have the option to block so contact can be avoided. However generally by the time I have decided to phone chat I have found out enough to make me feel comfortable. Anyone who messages and asks immediately for a phone chat is off my radar.

I was very cautious at the start but over time I have relaxed as trust my instincts. It slowly happens but you find your comfort level.

I live in Herts, so SE.
I'm really surprised how forward & pushy desperate some of these guys are.
I'm guessing I'll lighten up when I get used to it. I relay everything to my adult daughter, which is actually really nice for me.
I only subscribed to OurTime as there was a half price deal! I also signed up to Tinder but haven't followed up any contact

@HairyArsedMan and @Redfox thank you for the podcast recommendation, I'll definitely look that up.

@WildestDreamsSunset days like birthdays and anniversaries are difficult aren't they? And, as you say, sometimes something trivial can really set you off.

Nice to see you @TrickOrSlayTrickOrSlay, glad you found us. I'm on PoF and Tinder. Took me a while to get onto Tinder because I thought it was for the young ones but it's been ok really.

@WeWantTheFinestWines and @Techway - that's how I'm feeling at the minute. It feels like hard work and answering messages is a bind.

I was unmatched by someone today and it upset me more than it should have. He told me that he wanted to message the way we had been when we first matched (3 days ago!) and that we obviously wanted different thing. He wanted to progress to phone calls, FaceTime (never in this life time!) and a relationship. He was one of those who very quickly stopped asking me questions so I'd inferred that he wasn't that interested. I guess that, because I wasn't replying to him straight away, he managed to deduce that I was not playing straight with him!

I don't have much going on. Several conversations that aren't really going anywhere. There is one man I quite like the look of but our messages are mostly about our dogs! I'm wondering if I should be brave and suggest a walk.

I have a walk for tomorrow lined up but, after being really keen for a week or so, he's gone quiet on me. And I have another walk lined up for Saturday.

@Greyandrare123 how was your meeting with Fab man today?

Thanks for the new thread @Fiftyandmore and I am sorry for what you are going through. Grief is a horrible thing. I hope everyone's suggestions on here help.

And @WeWantTheFinestWines sorry you are feeling so bad at the moment. I agree social media is a bugger. But then I do know that most people (including myself) put a really edited version of their lives up there. Also I'm a bit 🤔at middle aged people posting ❤️In a Relationship like they are 14. But maybe I'm just a bitter old cow. (I probably am! 😂)

I'm just knackered with overwork at the moment and ready for bed. But @Greyandrare123 I have to say I'm intrigued by your Fab man. When I went on there I was just plagued by indecent proposals. But I know from other threads that lots of people end up in really good relationships from there. Perhaps it is just Fabbers where I live that are at the basic end of the scale!

@TrickOrSlayTrickOrSlay I've used them all at various points but currently hanging out on Match, mostly. Because it's cheap. Like me. Joking. If you pay (£5 per month) you can try to initiate conversations with a message and can see who liked you and viewed you (this is sometimes disturbing when someone shows up every day). Lots of stale profiles on there but the search system is good and lets you bypass those.

OkCupid I like, because you can write on there, and the good profiles are really good. However it absolutely does not respect my preferences and shows me great matches from everywhere outside of my range. Messaging is free if you match but you can't see likes and do more filtering without paying. Apparently your likes will appear in their swipey game, but I've got lots of likes on there and never matched with anyone via the swipey game.

I have not much love for the other sites, I am choosy and also of niche appeal so the swiping sites are just labour for no reward. Also I have nothing against the women I'm swiping against, but the site makes me feel like I have when I consign them to the big red X.

As I'm feeling kind of angsty today here are some pithy reviews:

Plenty of Fish - Lost at sea
Bumble - So very twee
Tinder - Finger ache
Fitness Singles - The plural mis-sells it
Hinge - Saw everyone I ever dated on there
Facebook Singles - Filtered Singles

Maybe I should try Happn and wander the streets in hope ?

The truth is all the sites are much of a muchness in the sense that having someone leap out at you just from a profile is not really going to happen. You will see the same people across the sites too. You need to have some leeway and openness and maybe swipe/choose people you figure might not be too bad, and then field lots of conversations and see who you get on with.

Meeting with fab man went v well. I have a better insight into his domestic arrangements now and can see that he is completely caught up with his childrens lives who are young teenagers. 2 called when I was with him and he said 'could you pop to your mums' which was enough to clarify he is not living with the mum. They live a short distance from each other.
His compliments seem genuine. I have to tell myself 'its just casual sex' without any sex due to covid. We talk about all sorts. He wanted to ask me when we do have sex, what does he need to be careful of due to my illness. I thought that was considerate.
I got home and he text me a joke later and asked me to be sure I tell him how my hospital appointment goes tomorrow. He showed empathy when I said I felt v anxious..
He messaged today and asked if I was free after work today or free after the hospital tomorrow. I am not so I said that. I have to keep thinking 'this is casual, this is a fwb' he could have other women lined up in the pipeline. So I am literally taking it one step at a time and enjoying every moment. I am finding it easy to compliment him too, not like my ex who rejected every compliment and never gave them either.
Talking of which. We remained friends and have a reasonable friendship although Id say its surface and talking in the street as he doesnt live far from my mothers house. Ocassional visits to the drive thro when my mum gets too much. We share a lot of the same history having attended the same school.
He wants to know if he knew GF could call me to introduce herself. He then said 'and to check there is no funny business going on".
I dont really want to speak to his GF and I dont really want to speak to him either.

@Greyandrare123 what sort of funny business does he mean? That's very odd.

I'm glad it went so well with FabMan.

@HairyArsedMan love your reviews!

I'm on Hppn. Took me a while to realise I wasn't on Hinge as that what I thought I'd signed up to. Must have got caught by an ad on my google search. I am actually vaguely chatting to someone on there. Won't even bother naming him as I doubt we'll ever meet.

Was chatting to a handsome local French man on Tinder, but he's gone quiet. Most likely a catfish anyway, as there are no handsome men in my county.

Nice to hear about your lovely date @Greyandrare123

@HairyArsedMan why are you feeling angsty? Your reviews are succinct and funny.

@Greyandrare123 I don't think you should feel bound to speak to the new gf. It's not your job to reassure her, and I'd suggest that if there are trust issues between them already, then it doesn't bode well. It all sounds like it's going very well with your Fab man. I'm finding it interesting that out of all of us on thread, you and @TiggerDatter have had a lot of success with Fab!

As I expected, the man I was supposedly having a walking date with today never got back to me. I'm relieved but at the same time aggrieved! He was really keen, was counting down the days, checked yesterday I was still up for it, said how excited he was - and then nothing. Why do people do that?

Another man has followed me from Tinder to PoF! We matched on Tinder, chatted a bit, moved to WhatsApp. After a couple of days I was finding his messages too much and not replying to all of them. So he said that he assumed I wasn't interested. I saw the opening and confirmed (in a nice way) that I wasn't, wished him luck and blocked him. Somehow he got another WA through but I ignored.

And blow me, he messaged me on PoF today! So for the first time I used the MN "it doesn't work for me" line, feeling sure that would do the trick. Nope, he's back at me telling me how keen he is! I'm not engaging any more. And why aren't the ones who are keen ever the ones you want to be keen?!

It's a bit slow on POF. I've got loads of time off over Christmas and wouldn't mind a date or two or three.

Nice to read about those having dates.

@Fiftyandmore I am convinced there are a large number of people on OLD who just enjoy some sort of feeling of power by chatting, setting up a date, seeming to get excited about the date, then just blowing it off with no communication at all. It's bizarre, but I always picture them as some little saddo sitting in their parents' basement in their pants, tapping away at a computer and pretending to themselves that they have a life. It happened to me a few times, and I think the only flag was setting up a first date quickly then cancelling it last minute (because of work, illness, blah blah), but then being a little reticent about the second date.

That said, one guy sent me pictures of the traffic jam he was in four hours before the first date, then nothing again, ever! I'd only decided to see him because he said he was 6'5" and I was curious about what it might be like to kiss someone so tall. Ah well, curiosity unsatisfied, ho hum.

I'll go on a date with you @Hotchocolatey!

I've just been blocked, I presume he didn't think I was funny! Conversation went like this:

Him: Hi, I'm John from Slough (names and places changed to protect the innocent). How about you?
Me: No, I'm not John from Slough :).

BLOCKED!

@Fiftyandmore lol ... if we lived nearer we could go for a walk and exchange dating stories.

I have kept screenshots of some of my responses in which I've tried to be witty or funny. Keeps my friends entertained.

@TiggerDatter I think you must be right but I just can't get my head round thinking that way. I'd never intentionally lead someone on. Although perhaps that's what I was doing since I was only going along with it to be polite and didn't want to hurt his feelings.

Very strange behaviour from your traffic jam man! I mean why? Just why? Anyway, if it helps, dh was 6' 6" and I'm 5' 4" and I don't remember any kissing difficulties! It's funny though - he stopped looking tall to me fairly quickly, yet other people I encountered who were tall still looked tall. Even if they weren't as tall as dh!