Online dating in your 50's - mark 2

[Fiftyandmore]

Here we still are :)

It's painful @WeWantTheFinestWines isn't it?

Just got a message saying "I'm awaiting your reply". You'll be waiting a while ... :)

Feck. Arse. Gurlzzz.

@TiggerDatter

@TiggerDatter 😁. I'm tempted to message back saying that!

🤣🤣🤣

I find tonight particularly abundant for those seeking an HGV driver. Head over to Tinder if that's your thing ladies! Get 'em while they're hot!

Not a blooming chance am I giving my phone number to anyone after a few messages.. is that the norm?? It comes across as so creepy & a tad desperate..

@TrickOrSlayTrickOrSlay, nope..no need. You need to feel comfortable and if they are pushing you then they are not right for you.
My date that became a friend didn't have my number at all, until after we met. I now prefer to phone screen but I have to feel very comfortable which only happens after quite a lot of messages. Most don't reach that stage however.

@WeWantTheFinestWines, given I'm not on Tinder, you're not selling it to me

I've only had one message today. Someone who I hadn't replied to a few days ago messaged to ask if I was OK. That was nice wasn't it He should have read my profile then he wouldn't have bothered to message in the first place lol.

@Hotchocolatey did you reply to him?

I want to ask you all a question! Very often (on here and in rl) you hear people say things like be choosy who you date, or decide what you want from a partner and go for it, or I don't know, other stuff like that. It always gives the impression that there are all these options open to people, and that they have a huge number of people to choose from, and that all they have to do is decide what they want and then go and get it. Simple! Except it's not.

Is it like that for many people do you think? That is, they decide exactly what they're looking for, find someone who fits the bill, and somehow that person goes along with their plans. In my (limited) experience, it's all much more likely to be luck, being in the right place at the right time, some degree of compromise etc.

Who are these people who decide they want a 6' 2" man with an Irish accent called Patrick, who works in finance, cooks like Fanny Craddock, tends to them like Florence Nightingale, makes love to them like, um, can't think of a suitable example here other than Tim who none of you know (!), makes them laugh til they cry etc etc etc. And not only do they decide they want them, they want them by Tuesday, job done!

I have a friend who once told me that she'd got every man she ever wanted. I was a bit to open mouthed to question her further on this but I may bring it up next time we meet!

I have often wondered the same Fifty and have come to the conclusion that there's a lot of bullshitting going on. A lot of women never have a bad word to say about their man - until they split up and she starts sharing what he was really like. That attentive gentleman was actually controlling, those happy photos on social media were taken after an argument and tears, those flowers he sent were really an apology for being jealous, etc etc. A lot of people present a front to the world which is nothing like their real life. And some women (and possibly men, I just don't know many similar stories from them) would rather pretend they have met that perfect man, and he is everything she'd wanted him to be, than admit they can't find him but don't want to be alone.

Don't believe the hype. There are so many compromises being made and shit being put up with out there that doing your own thing is surely preferable. Still here I am on a dating thread 😐

And I seem to have a date lined up. Not with potential relationship material, but FB material. He doesn't tick many of my boxes and I can't imagine wanting anything serious with him, which is why I think I might give the sex-only thing a whirl.

I've insisted we meet somewhere public first so I can see if he's a nutter and whether we fancy each other. I think social distancing may go out the window but we're in a very low-risk area. If I like him I might go for it. FWB is all he wants but he's very keen so it could be fun. I think I'll call him Mr Driver.

I hear you @WeWantTheFinestWines. I can think of at least two couples off the top of my head who I know for sure aren't at all happy, yet you'd never suspect a thing if you took what they told you at face value, or just went by their fb pages.

It's just this thing that we're meant to decide what we want in a partner, decide what we will/won't put up with - and off we go and find them as easy as that. I mean if some of the most brilliant and beautiful women in the world, who have the sort of lives where opportunities to meet people are huge, struggle, how am I with my ordinary intelligence/looks/life meant to get exactly what I decide I want?! It doesn't work like that as far as I can tell!

Ooh x posted @WeWantTheFinestWines! That's exciting! Where did you find him and when are you meeting?!

@Fiftyandmore I think you’ve hit the nail bang on the head there. I’m pretty together in many ways but I had no clue what I wanted when I went into OLD, no idea of boundaries, only met men with a fetching array of amber flags in among the green ones and the occasional red. I never expected to end up with a lazy shortarse with a bad skin condition and no appreciation of art, my now DP would not have ticked those boxes if I had known I should have had those boxes to tick. But then I would have missed out on the loving, sexy emotional genius that he is. So yes I call bullshit on a lot of this talk. You have to take your pick from what is presented, and not cast off everyone on first appearances alone.

@Fiftyandmore no, I didn't reply to him. I find men sometimes send follow up messages of I don't reply if I am not interested like "I don't bite" or "Are you OK".

The guy that sent the message didn't read my profile about what I am looking for.

I have a friend who once told me that she'd got every man she ever wanted

Surely she isn't a good fit for every man? Perhaps she changes who she is, to match them...I think if you want to live authentically then you can't be a good fit for everyone. Attraction/Compatibility is such a complex thing..so hard to define and perhaps there are no Mr Rights as sometimes it could be "Mr right for now".

I think OLD is highlighting to me that I don't really know what I want...I've had lots of dates, all very different but none that I wanted to pursue so I am questioning if I am being open enough??

@TiggerDatter, what was the attraction at the outset that made you decide to follow up, given he didn't tick boxes?

@WeWantTheFinestWines, yay..for Mr Driver!

@Techway he was steady, open and keen in his messaging, and when we met in person he was my physical type, if a bit shorter than usual (obvs I didn’t know about the skin condition, but tbh I only noticed after a couple of months, my attention was, umm,?elsewhere). It sounds corny but he read me incredibly well from the get go, I certainly didn’t know that that was a massive box which needed ticking. His biggest fault is that he’s lazy, I’m sure he would tell you that mine is I’m grumpy and push him away.

Sorry, I’m rambling, my point is that an open mind is useful, that’s all, not being confined by boxes and taking time to discover whether to tick or cross, or open up a big new box you didn’t know you had.

Sorry, NC fail there

I may have changed my mind about Mr Driver... got a bit carried away last night after a few glasses of wine and enjoying his keenness. He's meant to let me know if he's working today or not and when my phone pinged I realised I didn't want it to be him saying he's free to meet up. It was a Tinder match so phew. May still go for a walk with him at some point, maybe just to find out if he's a good kisser. That's a dealbreaker.

Oh dear. My heart sinks when I see a OLD potential date calling me. I'm such a flippping paradox. I feel a little forlorn about my single status and yet I don't have the energy and time to give to yet another man who I don't know, who I have to make polite, engaging conversation with, and who may disappoint me with his weirdness. It is such an artificial way of meeting someone and I find it terribly hard to strike up a discussion or, worse still, meet up with someone who I know nothing about.

The man who has waited since Monday to contact me (because I was juggling with three jobs and all the rest) called me at noon. My phone was on silence. He then left a sms asking if I was still up for meeting today and said he'd be available from 4pm. I wrote back immediately and politely saying that I had not expected to meet so soon and weren't we still in lockdown (here in France) and suggested a phone call first.

I am very tired this weekend. I'm also really proud of myself for getting through such an intense week. I'm the kind of person who does what she says: I was up for a 'phone call but I wasn't in a million years expecting to see him today.

Maybe I should just get off the OLD site I joined a few weeks ago?

Ah, he's just sent me a message saying it's fine and that we'll chat this afternoon.

Good. That's less pressure and respectful.

@Techway I don't think she meant relationships as such, more that if she saw a man she fancied she could get a date/shag no problem. I'm going to question her closely next time we meet!

I sort of know what I want but I don't know if I'm being realistic. My Dd says that I'm looking to replicate dh both in terms of looks and personality. When she says this, I reflexively disagree but I'm starting to wonder if perhaps she's right.

@TiggerDatter I do understand, and agree, that an open mind is a good thing. That's what I've been trying to do and is why I've agreed to meet men who aren't my type or who aren't exciting massive interest. I'm a bit conflicted about doing this because I don't know if it's fair. It's a bit academic anyway because unless I agree to meet one of these men, I'm shit out of luck! Can't see hardly anyone I'm that drawn to, and if I am, it's not reciprocated!

I'm not much enjoying it at the minute it must be said. All the comments about "you're pretty" etc are making me feel valueless and eroding my self esteem :(. Do any of you also feel this way? I don't know what the answer is really other than to keep trying. I'm currently watching a black and white film with a cup of tea, some biscuits and the dog on my lap - maybe this is as good as it gets!

The dog has had a bath this morning and he's all silky and sweet smelling and I love him :).

@DustyMuse

Oh dear. My heart sinks when I see a OLD potential date calling me. I'm such a flippping paradox. I feel a little forlorn about my single status and yet I don't have the energy and time to give to yet another man who I don't know, who I have to make polite, engaging conversation with, and who may disappoint me with his weirdness. It is such an artificial way of meeting someone and I find it terribly hard to strike up a discussion or, worse still, meet up with someone who I know nothing about.

The man who has waited since Monday to contact me (because I was juggling with three jobs and all the rest) called me at noon. My phone was on silence. He then left a sms asking if I was still up for meeting today and said he'd be available from 4pm. I wrote back immediately and politely saying that I had not expected to meet so soon and weren't we still in lockdown (here in France) and suggested a phone call first.

I am very tired this weekend. I'm also really proud of myself for getting through such an intense week. I'm the kind of person who does what she says: I was up for a 'phone call but I wasn't in a million years expecting to see him today.

Maybe I should just get off the OLD site I joined a few weeks ago?

@DustyMuse your first paragraph is exactly how I feel!

Your man sounds nice I think - not pushy and sticking to what you agreed on. And very well done on getting through a hard week 💐

I had my first walking date with a man from "Our Time," the site that so far has only thrown up the spanker for me. I wasn't expecting much but he is a dog lover like me (and liked my dogs), and a lefty like me, and didn't have a fit of the vapours when I said I was feminist (mind you, neither did the spanker though I only ever messaged him). I think I quite like him and we have exchanged phone numbers and texts. So we will see what happens. I don't know if I like him enough for it to get intimate but he didn't make me want to poke my own eyes out (as someone said above)