Online dating in your 50's - mark 2

[Fiftyandmore]

Here we still are :)

Oh well folks, my luck is on the turn. I've had a message from a man saying that if I'm looking for a James Bond type, he's the one for me. I must admit to not seeing any obvious similarities ....

And - I was chatting nicely to a funny and interesting man this afternoon, just went to reply, and he's disappeared!

@WildestDreamsSunset, I honestly can't tell you how scared I was to try OLD at the start..I recall my first date and cringe as I was so tense and treated it like a job interview, I have quite a responsible job so drop into work mode easily when not relaxed. However with him I felt comfortable from messages and phone call and also I am not invested so wasn't worried about a downside.. if he didn't like me, from a video chat, it was no loss to me.

I think I preferred that to effort of meeting someone really unsuitable...Mr bad teeth changed my thinking and approach as it was just so disappointing and wasted an afternoon.

@Fiftyandmore, I would meet him but restrictions now make it impossible so he suggested another video call. Can't say it was instant connection but we got on fine. I really think OLD has very few really available men and perhaps those at our age are looking for much younger women for an ego boost.

@Fiftyandmore
It's so disappointing when that happens.

@Techway I know what you mean about slipping into work mode!
It's great that you felt comfortable.

I have a date tomorrow. It's with Mr M who cancelled our first date a couple of weeks ago.
I'm very ambivalent about it. I was looking forward to it the first time round.

We had another phone call last night and he asked me something relating to my late husband. I told him I really didn't want to talk about it at that time & then he questioned wether I was ready for a relationship? I don't need to tell a stranger details of my life and I don't feel the need to justify myself. This has really bothered me.

I was already having doubts about meeting him. If he cancels again I might feel relieved.

Still think I should give him a chance though because he's the nicest man I've spoken to online this year....

@WildestDreamsSunset, sorry to read that your DH passed away. I don't contribute to this thread very often but I also lost my DH, 7 years ago now. I have encountered several men ( and women - but not in a dating context) who lack tact when it comes to discussing this. Some people are clumsy and have no idea what the experience may be like.
Depending on how this man asked the questions I would give him the benefit of the doubt until you have met in person. Some people just don't have the same sensitivity as others. One date said ' oh, thank god you're not wearing your wedding ring, I don't think I could have slept with you if you were still wearing your ex's ring' I said 'He's not my ex, he's my late husband. And don't worry, we won't be sleeping together !'
I have had a real mixed bag with OLD but there are good people out there. I often talked about my DH anecdotally with dates and for the most part they understood. I still naturally have some residual sadness at times which occasionally came out with the 2 longer term RS I have had. Neither has had any issue with it, seemingly understanding that losing a DH to illness or accident is very different to divorce. Both can be traumatic but they are none the less very different.
I hope that your date with your iron goes ahead and he turns out to be lovely.

@Onesmallstep67, it's great that you can share your experience. It must be so hard to recover from losing a spouse.

All a bit quiet here?? All messages seem to have slowed down which I think is realistic given Christmas and all the new restrictions. There does seem little point in connecting as dating seems impossible.

My subscription runs out end of the month so debating if I hit the delete button. Whilst I know it's unlikely I'll meet a suitable man on OLD, in the back of my mind there is this niggle that there is just the minuscule chance that he does arrive on the site the day after I cancel. It is however this thinking that makes the lottery and OLD successful!

I hope you are all making progress with Christmas shopping...I finish up from work today so this weekend will be full on.

Just to let you all know I deleted my profile on Our Time yesterday. Really not willing to do it any more. It got me what I wanted - to restore my equilibrium (by seeing SO many unsuitable men out there!!), a funny story to tell regarding Mr Spanker (see upthread) and a man that I have met who I can't see having a relationship with but will do very nicely as a friend. So all good. I'll be lurking on the thread and if any of you wonderful people have success, I'll be cheering you on. @Techway I will admit to some small reluctance to do it before my subscription ran out, but by deleting my profile I now don't have to beat myself up because I wasn't actively looking and going through all the profiles. I'll be cuddling up on the sofa tonight - with my two amazing dogs who give me unconditional love and just want to be with me. Enjoy the festive season everyone!

Hello all.

@WildestDreamsSunset did you meet Mr M in the end? I would have been irritated too by his remark.

@Onesmallstep67 I'm sorry for your loss. I too lost my Dh nearly four years ago now. If I do ever enter a relationship with anyone, they will absolutely have to be ok with dh being spoken about at times by myself and the dc.

@Techway I'm feeling exactly the same as you. Do I give up or keep going? Realistically, is anyone going to be focusing on OLD now what with Christmas and Covid restrictions (we've moved to tier 3 here)? It's quiet and most contacts are not interesting to me, yet if I give up, how else will I meet anyone?

There have actually been 3 or 4 men lately who've messaged and who I've thought looked good. Without exception, they start off keen but within a day or two it all tails off. It's frustrating and demoralising :(.

@Reeeallyoldbird I'm glad you've made a decision that has brought you some peace of mind. Can we borrow your dogs?! Please do keep checking in - I love the support and shared experiences this thread has given me and (hopefully) others, and I don't want to lose anyone!

@Fiftyandmore, I've just had an interesting man who I thought was attractive, we were messaging however as he had limited info in his profile I asked if he was divorced...then complete silence. I guess he might not have been single! I wonder if this is the case with the ghosters?

Also what is behind some men viewing your profile constantly but never messaging?? Even if I have liked them. One seems to view my profile so often that I now feel like blocking him.

I had one man message me today who's profile says he is into 50shades.

I'm also wondering if there is any point whilst we are in almost lockdown..Mr Rugby player and I could meet but I'm not sure there is much point.m, how can you start a relationship when you can't date??

@Techway It's frustrating isn't it? I don't understand the constant viewing of your profile but not messaging either. And yes, maybe your question about divorce scared your man off.

I had my first inappropriate message tonight - inappropriate in that it was very explicit. I suppose I've done well not to have got one before now.

@Fiftyandmore, have you been able to block or report the profile?

Just seen a profile where he says my photos are from 14 and 10 years ago!! Can only assume he knows he hasn't aged well.

@Techway - 14 and 10 years ago?! That's ridiculous!

I haven't reported but I have blocked.

@Onesmallstep67

Thank you so much for your kind words.
I'm so sorry to hear you have also lost your husband. It's eight years for me. I'm 49. I've had one brief relationship since. I think I imagined that by the time my children were a bit older and I felt ready for online dating that i would easily find a nice man. It's not so easy!

It's true people often lack tact.
I met up with an old school friend once who asked me why I hadn't reverted to my maiden name? I pointed out that I hadn't divorced I am a widow. He still didn't get it and insisted I should really change my name back as my maiden name was such a nice one!

I hope you are having more luck with dating than I am.

@WildestDreamsSunset, what incredible lack of empathy from the school friend. That's quite shocking that anyone would suggest that.

Hi everyone!
@Techway @Fiftyandmore I've had that a lot on match -men viewing my profile -some of them every day and then not messaging. It's strange. I have started to wonder are they really viewing my profile or is it match's algorithm trying to make me think I'm popular?! 😂

Absolutely block and report inappropriate messages.

I can completely understand @Reeeallyoldbird deleting your profile. If you're not enjoying it you have to stop even if it's just a break -it's always an option if you ever change your mind. A friend of mine is 64 and has met a lovely woman who is 67 and they're having a great time together. Not sure which site he was on.

I met Mr M for a date on Tuesday

I'd allowed plenty of time to meet him but there was an accident on the motorway and I was stuck in traffic
He knew there was traffic and rang me and then sent me several texts along the lines of 'how much longer will you be' and 'I can't wait forever'
I took these messages as a joke but it added stress to a situation that was beyond my control.
If the situation was reversed I wouldn't have behaved like that.

I probably sound weak with the above but I knew if I turned around and went home before meeting him that I wouldn't rearrange -I needed to see it through.

Met him and I just didn't find him the least bit attractive. He said all the messages were sent in a jokey manner but admitted someone might take offence. I said it added pressure when I couldn't do anything about it.
Throughout the date he kept dropping big hints about a second date.
When I got back I told him not compatible and wished him well.

My usual rule is to meet quickly. This man wouldn't. I suspected he was trying to 'draw me in' but gave him the benefit of the doubt. After 3 & half weeks of messaging and eleven phone calls, it's over.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt too many times.
Lessons learned for me.

@Techway
Thanks. Yes, I felt upset at the time.

You all are brave girls. I have so much respect for you all trying x

After 3 & half weeks of messaging and eleven phone calls, it's over.
I gave him the benefit of the doubt too many times.
Lessons learned for me

I think after a long period of talking/messaging expectations are even higher so more disappointing.

I think you are spot on with the algorithm making views..that makes complete sense.

It also explains why one man told me he met someone, they didn't like each other and he thought she kept viewing his profile. He was irrationally angry about it which made me avoid him.

I don't think that is good practice if the sites do this deliberately as it distorts reality. Does anyone know if they are regulated in anyway?

Are we all locked down? I am

I collaborated with a friend from the long running dating thread and tested out what actions led to a view on Match.

We found some views were random in origin - if you appear in someone’s daily shuffle that counts as a view. So because my friend and I were clicking on each other’s profiles and trying to figure out how accurate the online presence indicators were, the match algorithm then placed us in each other’s daily shuffle, even though we are about 300 miles apart.

Also we both failed to believe that a person would be viewing us repeatedly and not making contact. We concluded that these views were real and that people really behave that way. A woman I dated looks at my profile all the time - it’s very disconcerting. I have what I call ‘regulars’ that look at my profile really frequently. I’ve messaged some of them asking if they’d like to have a conversation and they don’t respond ! I think there’s an element of curiosity at play - these are the virtual equivalents of having a few glances at someone vaguely attractive who works in the same office building as you.

How strange.

I don't get to see who has viewed my profile on either of my sites.

Do they have to scroll through various profiles to get to unseen ones and would that count as a view?

Nothing hugely exciting happening here. Mr Gatwick has been a bit quiet again. I know he is busy at work before stopping for Christmas but still ..

I met Mr SoTR for dinner and had a walk on Thursday. Will meet for another walk tomorrow as everywhere is closed here! Not convinced he is for me romantically but I enjoy his company and maybe a friendship but he may not be up for that. Would any of you be if someone you seemed to get on well with suggested that?

I haven't really looked at the sites but may do so again if Mr Gatwick remains quiet! Especially as I will now not be going away for Christmas. Thanks Boris!

@hairyarseman, thanks for your research!

I certainly can believe there are "odd" behaviours based on the last few days. I had a message from a man who has no photos but he said that he has a very genuine reason why not....wanted to see what his answer would be and I was tempted to ask 'is it because your wife wouldn't like it".

I have chatted to 5 men in last few days. One ghosted when I asked his marriage status, another I have dropped as his messaging style suggested his profile info might not be truthful. One was very keen to meet but because I didn't respond after a few hours he blocked me. I feel that was a bullet dodged.
The remaining 2 could be possible phone chats and maybe meets. Both are not my usual type but seem genuine people. One is a widower and he said he had been thinking to message me for weeks but assumed I wouldn't be interested.
The other is very local and we seem to have things in common but he is shorter than I used to. Is that shallow of me??

Obviously we are so restricted now, anyone have walking dates lined up?

@Daftapath, What happened at the last meeting with Mr Gatwick, did you arrange another meet or leave it open.

I personally am not keen on the walking dates as one major benefit of dating is to have fun, going to new places, relaxed meals etc.

@Techway we left it that he would be taking some time off over Xmas and we would spend the day together again. That was before tier 3 changes (and then t4!). It was all very positive and chatted about what we liked about each other. I will play it by ear but won't be chasing him. He isn't for me if he can't put some effort in.

Mr SoTR is collecting me soon to go for a walk. Not a lot else we can do at the moment, other than food shopping!

Once I know I want to spend time with someone, meeting for a meal or doing something new would definitely be preferred but in the absence of being able to do that, I quite like walking. I do it a lot, I guess, so it feels familiar. Conversation never seems stilted as you can comment on the surroundings if need be! That is one of the things that I liked about Mr Gatwick, he always came up with somewhere new to go.

@Daftapath, is he collecting you from home? I would definitely agree to a friendship but I think it depends, if you/they like them romantically then friends isn't the way to go. Mr estate agent and I got on well, we agreed friends but he wants more. However another man is definitely my friend as we know we are not for each other.

@Daftapath I used Zoosk years ago and it did that - generated a view every time you scrolled past someone. It was insane because you hardly ever saw anyone new ! Match doesn't do that - it requires you to view them in the Daily Shuffle (which it biases towards those who have interacted with you or vice versa) or to click on the profile.

I like walking dates - combination of fresh air and relaxation makes for unconscious thoughts and is great for conversational chemistry.

@Techway The no photo thing .. and saying you have a good reason. It's just testing your curiosity/desperation. If he had a good reason, he'd just state it with an apology ("sorry, no pictures as I'm actually the King of Portugal"). You've stimulated me to reveal the results of an experiment. I uploaded a profile with just text, no photos of me, rather just of some art that I like and with a name change. I got more swipes right in total (40) in a week than I have ever got on my normal profile (27) over months and months. I could see who had swiped right and interestingly about a third of them were in common between the two profiles, including three women I've already dated. Must be something in the writing style ? Or they are very swipe happy ? Of the others most were too far away or were hopelessly out of tune with my stated preferences. I found it curious and not sure what conclusions to draw. Mystery wins ? Or the photos of me are having a negative effect ?