Online dating in your 50's - mark 2

[Fiftyandmore]

Here we still are :)

@Fiftyandmore Well, there's nothing like self promotion, is there?! 😂

Have a good day all.

@BlueDaysTillChristmas Really sorry you feel so down, it's tough being on your own. @Onesmallstep67 really articulated all I would've said. It's so tough at the moment in Tier 3. I hope Dec 16th brings a slight downgrade so we can at least travel to Tier 2 friends. Have you considered your freinds may be suffering a bit at the moment too ? A little reach out asking how they're doing, might kickstart a conversation maybe ?

@Techway You've said you had 4 messages that were unsuitable. Do you search out suitable profiles and message them or are these unsolicited messages ? What would make online dating right for you ? Do you do the swipe apps where you can avoid unsolicited messages ? I often think it's not right for me, but I am not meeting my kind of person by any other means either, so I just have to put up with the low signal to noise ratio of online. I think it helps to recognise that it's covering people across the whole damn spectrum. There's none of the social circle filtration going on at all, and that's where I think a thoughtful and descriptive profile helps. Guess how many of those you tend to see !

@Fiftyandmore, Is there anything more unsexy than that profile name!! I also get shocked by profiles (who are no oil painting) saying partner must be very attractive.
@hairyarsedman, I am on Match and look for profiles using search and "like" but rarely message first. These were unsolicited messages. If someone makes an effort I would respond but not to spam like messages with no attempt of engagement.
Rugby player hasn't been back in touch re a weekend meet so I'm assuming that's not going anywhere. If I was very interested I would have messaged him but I'm not feeling it.

Before I tried Old I had FOMO but I think now I have tried it then I can let it go.

Fair enough @Techway I have recommended to woman friends that they take it all into their hands and do the choosing and messaging instead of having to respond to the ones that are unsuitable which has got to be a miserable feeling really. Of course when you’re messaging and not getting a response you have to cast yourself in the role of the unsolicited unsuitable messager and that doesn’t sit comfortably either! Lose lose !

I've recently discovered Tapping as a way of taking my mind off something that had been spinning around in it for far too long.

I do think it's made a difference.

@HairyArsedMan, "unsolicited unsuitable messager"...you might have created a new accroymn. ..an "got an UUM" perfect way to describe it.

I gave a "no thanks to someone, in my clear down of messages exercise and today he responded saying "no problem, if you change your mind you know where I am". I thought that was very positive message.

I've read that women don't want to respond because they get dragged into a discussion - is that response atypical ? I tend to respond similarly (if I receive a response) and wish good luck. If I don't get a response I don't follow up or complain - life's too short.

Having said that life's too short, I did spend far too much time watching Chicken Shop Dates on YouTube this morning.

It depends on the type of UUM I receive. If it's a 'cute', 'hi sexy', 'hi', 'you're (or usually 'your') hot', 'let's meet' ... type message I ignore and delete. If it's a message that someone has clearly put some thought into, I would respond and either turn them down sensitively or chat a bit and let it fizzle out if it was clearly going no where.

I have been happy to send messages as a first move, you have to on Bumble anyway, but just haven't sent any recently. I won't, however, chase someone once we have established communication. I will very happily put the effort in if it is reciprocated.

Sadly for my ego, I don't get any 'cute', 'hot', 'sexy' adjectives thrown in but I do respond to minimal messages @Daftapath. The usual one is 'Hi, how are you today?'.

I respond because it costs very little, I'm not getting a lot of messages, and I want to not deter someone I'm rejecting from keeping on reaching out.

I've read that men send around 10x more intro messages compared to women (excepting Bumble) so it's obviously different for women on the end of all these UUMs. Imagine if you got lots of interesting intro messages ! How would you manage then !?

@HairyArsedMan oh for an interesting message!

@HairyArsedMan I think a 'Hi. How are you today' from someone who looked interesting, in the right age bracket, location, etc would definitely get a response.

I'm just not going to respond to an 18yr old sending 'hot' because they are looking for their Mrs Robinson ... it gives me the ick

To be honest, I can't really remember who I have swiped right on Bumble or messaged on Hinge as they only come up if you match/get a reply. I don't get much traffic on Bumble (as I don't really look on there at the moment but I have had some matches come up that I am sure I didn't swipe right on!

I’m just popping my head round the door to say hello to you all on this thread. I won’t stay, because I’m not online (or any other kind of) dating, but sometimes I lurk on the dating threads - I think because I’m processing the end of my relationship and my assumption that I’ll be celibate/single for the rest of my days. I started reading this thread a while ago, just in occasional chunks on infrequent visits to Mumsnet, but then over the last couple of weeks I found myself reading it more often and got invested in you all. It was like reading a novel when I can’t put it down and need to know what happens next.

You’re all so insightful and supportive of each other - it’s really lovely to read. I just wanted to tell you that you’re all fabulous, and wish you luck in finding love. 💕

What a lovely message @AgeOfExploration, thank you.

@HairyArsedMan - Chicken Shop Dates?! Is that like a KFC version of First Dates?!

@GentlemanJay someone (possibly @Daftapath) mentioned tapping up thread. I did try it but didn't persevere.

@Techway did you hear from your rugby playing man?

I've nothing to report sadly! Over the last couple of days I've been liked by 3 men who I thought looked attractive. When we started messaging they were all extra keen but all three of them have fizzled out. One of them actually disappeared so I presume he unmatched me. It's frustrating because I don't often see people on the apps who I find attractive. I'm not managing to get as far as even one date with anyone, let alone a second date!

How are you doing @Greyandrare123? I'm assuming you're doing well and are busy having sex with your one!

I told my rl friend about "sexyhotDave". She trumped him by receiving a message from someone called LittleKnickers .

@AgeOfExploration, thanks for delurking. If your split is recent then you may think single life is forever but over time that can change. I suspect I will be single, in the sense of a live in relationship, but hope to have some relationships again. It did however take me a long time to get to this stage.

I heard from rugby player, he assumed I was not contacting him as thought I wasn't keen after the call. We are arranging a video call this weekend. First time for me, not overly keen on it, but maybe preferable to the effort of meeting someone, in the cold, who then disappoints. At the start of OLD I had expectations, then I had lower expectations but was still hopeful. Now I think, "yep what will be glaringly wrong that I missed before" . He is not my usual type, bald and not much taller than me but he is decent at chatting.

I am also chatting to a man who I might describe as "steady eddie", not sure there is a spark but we do have things in common.

@Daftapath, same approach to me..a "your stunning/hot" (with poor grammar) is ignored but a reasonable intro I will respond.

@hairyarsedman, The one I let down, who came back positively, did encourage me to respond and he has left a positive impression. He will be more memorable because of his approach and the door might be ever so slightly ajar. It is certainly preferable to a sulk/block.

@Fiftyandmore They can be a bit hit and miss. A comedian has these mock (very minor) celebrity dates held in a fried chicken shop. She puts up cheesy questions and acts blasé or willfully ignorant about the answers and they edit it to pick out the most awkward parts. Maybe not the sort of thing to view if you've had a succession of awkward online chats and bad dates ...

Video chat went well and might consider it for future. So he seems nice but so not my usual type. He has said to not judge a book by it's cover and we chatted easily so I think he is a nice person but I didnt feel any attraction. He has suggested we have another video call and I would be up for that as it was relaxed so no hardship for me.

How's everyone else doing?

Thanks @Techway. We called it quits (ie had ‘the talk’ where we acknowledged that we’d been just friends for many years) over a year ago, so not that recent. I’m still living part (most, thanks to Covid 🙄) of the time in his house, though, while I convert my van into a living space. My DD is an older teen and is staying at home whilst finishing college, so I’ll be living partly there for the foreseeable future, as we’re still a committed family unit. It’s all very grown-up and amicable, but that’s not to say it hasn’t hurt like fuck at times, frankly. My self esteem is in my boots after a decade of celibacy, especially as I’m several stones heavier than I was 15 years ago when I met ex-DP on Guardian Soulmates. I’ve lost all sense of myself as a sexual being - the very thought of someone finding me desirable is laughable, to be honest, and I can’t imagine making myself vulnerable enough to become intimate with someone. I think that (these days, certainly) one needs to feel fairly bullet-proof to brave the vagaries of OLD, and I feel very, very far from bullet-proof at the moment. I don’t feel that I have anything to offer that anyone would want.

Anyway, it’s all good, really. I go away in my my van, and I am truly happy; I am enjoying my own company, and I get to to do what I love - watch the sea, and nature, and take photographs, and enjoy the silence. I love falling asleep in my hammock, all tucked up and safe in my van, and I love the peace and freedom of a simplified, pared back life. All that, and I still get to enjoy family life with my daughter and my best friend. I’ve come to terms with that being all I expect for my life, and I mean that in a positive way.

I guess I’m not ruling out meeting someone in the future, I just can’t imagine stepping into what I perceive to be the pretty brutal environment of online dating. I must be interested, because I keep reading the threads (I didn’t think I was remotely drawn to the idea, but reading the whole of the previous and this current thread has piqued my interest), but it all seems so... I don’t know... Transactional? Disposable? Too emotionally risky? Maybe that’s just a reflection of the fact that I’m not ready.

Blimey, that’s a bit of an essay, sorry - shouldn’t post after wine!

@AgeOfExploration, that's a wonderful update. Everyone has a different timeframe for recovery and I was certainly not ready after a year and felt terrified at starting OLD. Perhaps what you see here is the transactional side but I have met and spoken to some nice men however no one that I would be attracted to. OLD reminds me of a time when women would get inappropraite comments if they walked into a traditional male pub, you learned to ignore them. However the anonymity of OLD can make that behaviour worse and I think swiping creates a dismissive attitude.

You seem to have a good idea of how you want your life to be and are on the way to making that work. Good for you! If you met your ex on OLD then you might be able to offer us advice 😃

PS love the idea of a van trip. I am embracing the outdoors life and this appeals, only for a holiday though!

Hello all; Im still here and have caught up with you all.
Im relentlessly busy at work at the moment. Ok on my dating scene is;
The IT guy from Fab. Still seeing him up to 3 times a week. Have had sex. It was good. Very much a FWB. I never mention the future only the next date if he brings it up. I just dont text either but will respond to his. Although we get on famously, FWB is also good for me as no pressure although the friendship is a bit surface and maybe as things trog on, we can share a bit more. He is though, genuinely complimentary about me and Im loving it. My ex was very ambivilent and I didnt realise how it had knocked me. Now I get genuine compliments and its doing my esteem the world of good. I dont need validation from outside but getting it does give a boost.
Also he was v considerate or my disability and said he had spent time thinking about whether he could touch me etc. He is also reliable. An all over good FWB.
I have thought about how id feel if he met someone else and actually Id be ok with that and consider the encounter a fling.
Just had someone on Tinder have the no question conversation. I asked 2 questions and he has asked zero yet managed to talk about himself lyrically. He will be deleted in the morning.
One of my walking dates resurfaced. He didnt ask me one question when we went on a date. I got a wounded text wishing me a great life. I ignored it..
Thats it for me
Hope you are all well

@Techway now that’s an analogy that resonates with me - I grew up in a pub, so can handle those types with no problem at all! 😄

@AgeOfExploration you sound sorted! It sounds like you have a great balance in your life and that you have a sensible approach to your future. And I'm envious of your van!

@HairyArsedMan you mean the programme really is set in a chicken shop?! I'll have to try and watch an episode!

@Techway I'm glad your video call went well. Would you consider meeting up with him?

@Greyandrare123 I'm so pleased that your fab man is working out. He does sound very considerate and respectful and thoughtful. What a great first (I'm assuming it's a first) experience of having a fwb.

I had a message yesterday from a man I matched with in my first couple of days of OLD. Within 24 hours of talking he'd got all arsey with me about not responding quickly enough, about obviously talking to other men, about not being honourable, about obviously being one of those types who needed their ego massaging etc! Anyway - yesterday he apologised!

I've had a couple more encounters with the types who come in really keen but fizzle out within a few messages. I don't understand this, I must be doing something wrong but I don't know what!

And I have a couple of conversations going on but nothing of any interest really.

I hope everyone is ok and having a good weekend :)

Greyandrare123, it all sounds a success, yay. I do wonder however if you will be 'exclusive' fwb?
My inbox has been quite emptier than usual, considering the men I seem to attract that is no loss sadly.

Techway I just could not do a video call, I look much better in the flesh, at least I think so.

@Techway you're a braver woman than me with video calls. I do them with friends but not potential dates!

Thanks @Fiftyandmore - my van is my pride and joy. I’d thoroughly recommend it!