Online dating in your 50's - mark 2

[Fiftyandmore]

Here we still are :)

@BlueDaysTillChristmas @HairyArsedMan
I’m on Match too but the offer I had was £60 for six
months. I’ve had 3 first dates from it in that time.
My friend signed up to EliteSingles and it was ridiculously expensive. She was very disappointed with the men in her area and asked for a refund and they agreed!

Absolutely @Fiftyandmore block and move on if anyone makes you feel uncomfortable. There are some very strange people on online dating sites. I still shudder when I recall the conversation I had with the creepiest man ever on Bumble recently.

I (with no photos) have just been messaged by someone (with no photos) after very very few messages asking if I want to go on pof phone, whatever that is. I said well I don’t know what you look like, you don’t know what I look like, his answer was ‘well I’m tall, body of a rugby player with piercing blue eyes’. Oh right, well that’s ok then? Is that normal? It comes across as a bit ‘I need a girlfriend in the next 10 minutes’.

I said no because it’s half ten and I’m going to bed.

I've just erased my OLD profile. The best decision I could have made. I feel lighter. It's just not for me.

I wrote a message today to the Spanish writer I was in contact with. He was pleasant and patient and clearly bright but I was getting fed up with his assumption that he'd be coming over to my place for our first encounter. When I'd respond with 'that's not going to happen' his knee-jerk response was 'are you scared?'

I think my message was polite and I even said some a couple of flattering things about him. I received an answer from him saying how relieved he was I'd made the decision as he didn't know how to let me down gently by saying he wasn't feeling it. And yet yesterday he was asking when he could see me and how good he was feeling about me so far.

Maybe I've just reached a stage in my life when I want simplicity and quality. I want to believe I can still fall for someone but I really prefer letting fate call the shots rather than enduring more OLD misery.

How are you all today? Maybe it's the time of year which leaves us with limited energy for OLD antics.

@BlueDaysTillChristmas I never correspond with anyone who doesn't have a profile pic. I don't care what the excuse. There is no shame in online dating these days so there isn't a reason/profession they could claim to have that would make me believe they aren't trying to hide something.
I realise as I've typed that you said you don't have photos either... you obviously have your reasons or maybe you're just browsing and getting a feel for the sites?

@DustyMuse I have very little energy for online dating at the moment. I'm messaging with a few people but just not very bothered except for the one who cancelled the date.

Wouldn't it be nice, at this time of year, if people could just be a bit better, nicer ... more genuine?

@WildestDreamsSunset well originally I was only on it to look for a specific person (I didn’t even know if he was on the site) so didn’t put photos up. But then I got talking to someone else (who has photos but they are for people who have paid only I think, they’re ‘hidden’ or something???) and he is very very nice. Grammar, spelling, witty, the full works 😂 but this one from last night is someone else. He messaged me again this morning but I haven’t gone on the site yet today, I’m waiting for the good grammar guy to send me something. Even without photos I do feel attracted to the grammar guy, which I know is completely weird but 🤷‍♀️.

I’m not used to all this, this is the first time I’ve ever done online dating of any kind. Or dating someone who I didn’t already have friends in common with tbh.

I know I’m making a mistake messaging so much without seeing a photo but you know what? I’m enjoying it, it’s perking me up, I look forward to getting his messages. If it doesn’t go anywhere then I’ve had a great pen pal-type thing out of it for a few weeks. Or more.

@DustyMuse if you weren't getting anything out of it, and if indeed it was making you feel down, then erasing your profile was absolutely the right thing to do. I think your writer friend was probably just trying to save face when he said that to you. I do understand you leaving things to develop more organically - I would 100% prefer this too (as would most of us I imagine) but I just don't have the sort of lifestyle where that is likely to happen. I'm not really enjoying OLD it must be said, and I'm not really getting anywhere with it, but I'm bored and I know I will sooner or later get lonely when the dc leave. So I see no alternative really - although as I said the other day, I'm constantly thinking I'll come off the apps! Anyway, I wish you all the luck, and I hope you'll still check in with us.

@BlueDaysTillChristmas I do understand you feeling attracted to your no-pics man - there is something very alluring about intelligence, wit, good grammar and spelling etc. But I do think you should protect yourself and try not to get too invested. My immediate thoughts are that he's probably married or has a partner so doesn't want his picture out there for all to see. Of course I could be totally wrong - and I hope I am for your sake - but perhaps you should tread carefully?

@Fiftyandmore oh goddam you and your sensible-ness woman 😂.

He said he was separated a month ago but still living together. I see many social media posts (not just here) about people in similar situations. And he said (he said, he said........) that the marriage has been in a slow decline for many years.

My own marriage was in a decline for many years before I called a halt to it and I’m not even divorced yet - no reason particularly, just no need to pay good money for no purpose - so I can see how these things happen. But he does have photos, they’re just not open to everyone, I think it’s only for people who have paid for the site, extended members or something??? That’s not a euphemism. I don’t think 🤔.

I know I should tread carefully but i just feel like a newcomer, I’ve not got much experience with men despite being 50, and I’m trying, really trying not to get too invested but I’m lonely. And lonely women make stupid choices I guess.

But I’m trying to keep busy with real life stuff as much as I can under my tier 3 circumstances.

@BlueDaysTillChristmas I completely understand, just would hate for you to get hurt. I'm 56 now and am also very naive, having been happily married until dh died. My dc are always telling me off for being too trusting so I'm trying to be a bit more cynical but it's difficult!

Have you had a conversation with him about maybe swapping pictures?

@Fiftyandmore not yet. I did ask here somewhere, on this thread or another one, and people said I should but what if I don’t like the look of him? Or worse, what if I really like the look of him but he doesn’t like the look of me? Then would we still message each other? He’s also in a level 3 tier so where could we meet? Outside? It’s cold! Are we even allowed to? I’m out of the loop on what we’re allowed and not allowed to do. And he’s still in such a freshly broken up state, what if he’s not really ready? Maybe that’s why his pictures are for members only, he’s not actually ready deep down?

Welcome to a tiny tiny fraction of the thoughts in my head 🤔😂.

In one sense I’m enjoying it and don’t want to break the bubble. In another, all it’s doing is prolonging the agony if one of us doesn’t find the other attractive and it stops. But then even if we find each other attractive, is he mentally in the right space? He knows I was/am looking for the other man, I told him straightaway. So maybe he thinks I’m not interested in him (or his photos) other than a pen pal?????

And on and on and on and.................................

WildestDreamsSunset, I yearn for genuine interaction. I lost my father three years ago and he was integrity personified. Perhaps his death has made me more sensitive still to such virtues in people. Of course it cuts both ways; I aim to be honest and considerate as much as possible towards others whilst learning the delicate trick of keeping healthy boundaries as I was a people pleaser for far too long.

Dear Fiftyandmore thank you for always writing such considerate messages. I am definitely going to stay on this thread as I may not be dating OLD-style but am open to dating maybe in another way.

I've just had a 'phone chat with my youngest daughter's form teacher (end of school term progress report during lockdown) and he is so kind, gentle and perceptive it made me feel so happy having such an upbeat conversation.

BlueDaysTillChristmas, as I think I have said before.... Someone with no photo has something to hide, in this case probably from his wife. Whether what he has told you is true or not, he does not want her to find him on old.
Would you really want to get involved with someone who has only been separated a few weeks and is still living in the family home? How quickly he is moving on, do you not think?
You are a newbie and I feel do have a lot to learn about old and of course in the early days it is rather lke being let loose in a sweet shop.
I always make a point of never responding to anyone who has 'seperated' on their bio. Having gone through a divorce in reality I know it takes a long time to recover from it emotionally. A lot of the time people use it as a distraction from the pain they are going through.

@crimsonlake yeah. I know you’re right. It’s hard to read your words though. This loneliness is just such a fucker.

@DustyMuse you don't have to thank me :). You seem like such a lovely thoughtful person, I'm so glad you're going to keep reading the thread. One day, hopefully in the not too distant future, we'll have to have the thread meet-up we spoke of. We'll all come to France!

@BlueDaysTillChristmas loneliness is a killer isn't it? Keep talking to him if it helps you but try to insulate yourself from going in too deep. If you can just take it at face value and enjoy the conversation, knowing that it might never lead to anything more, and knowing that you'll be ok with that, then carry on. I just would hate to see you hurt.

BluedaysTillChristmas, I hope I was not being harsh, just realistic.
I think you also need to bear in mind that whoever you are talking to is most likely talking to other women as well, so it is best not to put your eggs all in one basket.
As you say yourself...keep busy with life as much as you are able to and talk to other men, just do not focus on him alone.

I too am feeling in need of a break. Was chatting to two local, normal-seeming people - one has deleted his account in the middle of our conversation and the other one sends exactly one brief message a day and that's clearly going nowhere. I wasn't really bothered with either of them but I still wish they'd just say if they weren't interested. And I'm finding myself accidentally super liking men on Tinder because swiping up on other apps just gives you more info, but swiping up on Tinder pretty much equates to marriage proposal.

I'm thinking everyone must have seen me several times over anyway - just like I see frequent flyers a lot. I reckon we're all sick of the sight of each other by now. Deleting everything is tempting. Then returning next year with new photos and some sort of genius new wording to reel them all in.

Maybe 2021 will be the year we all somehow meet up?! In dusty's chateau 🍾🥂😊

And blue please don't invest in this man until you know who he is. He's hiding. There must be a reason.

It’s just been such a terrible year and it’s overwhelming me now. I liked chatting to him so much, I don’t have anyone to talk to right now. I haven’t seen any of my friends for so so long, a whole summer of stuff just.......not there. I feel myself pulling away from them, I don’t have any inclination to get in contact with them and I’m doubting whether they are friends? Or just people I knew? I can’t talk to them about how I’m feeling at all. But there he was, I know it’s ridiculous, but he was just there at the right time. And anyway there’s been no messages since Sunday night so that’s shit too.

I think I’m just going to go to my gp and see what he/she can give me. I know this isn’t healthy. I cry most days and it’s all just so fucking lonely all of it.

@BlueDaysTillChristmas, I'm sorry that you are feeling so alone and sad at the moment. Your post was really difficult to read. I'm not sure of your exact circumstances but I have felt some of the things that you describe. I was also in your position several years ago when my DH passed away. I too found myself talking to a lovely man who seemed to say all the right things, got my sense of humour and lifted my spirits just by receiving his messages. We went on like that for some time. I had pictures on my profile but he did not. Two things happened. Whilst I didn't know what he looked like I built up an image in my head and became very attached to him, the version that I had created. In time we agreed to meet and as you may be able to guess, sadly my expectations of him didn't match his wonderful messages. Anything romantically between us would have been a no go.
I think I seem to pick up from your posts that you understand the limitations of chatting to a faceless person. I would try to find a way to re connect with your friends more. I know I have felt very lonely at times but useless at reaching out to people, many of whom would have made time for me I'm sure. I find posting on here therapeutic ( I am a regular on one of the other dating threads ) I have had loads of support and sound advice during my OLD days and subsequently now that I am seeing someone. Life is challenging at the moment but I'm sure there are lots of people in your life who would hate to think of you feeling alone or isolated. Pick up that phone or send that text. And I hope none of what I have said seems glib or offhand, I really have felt very, very sad at times but nothing stays exactly the same and something will shift for you I'm sure

That's such a nice message @Onesmallstep67. I'm so sorry to hear about your dh - I lost mine too, as did another of our lovely posters on here .

@BlueDaysTillChristmas where abouts do you live? I'm wondering if you're close to any of us - if you're near me, I'll happily meet you for tea/coffee. If you'd rather not say on thread you can pm me? Hope you're ok today.

@BlueDaysTillChristmas so sorry you are going through this. Loneliness can be so overwhelming that you will cling to anything that might get you through - and when you feel a connection with another human being, why should it matter how they look if they make you feel a bit better? I think you know why it matters, but as others are saying, you are not alone in feeling alone. Do speak to your GP - if antidepressants are appropriate for you, they can really make a difference. And keep talking to everyone on this thread - we're all battling our own kind of loneliness. I'm sure your friends would love to support you, but you may have to let them know you're in need, otherwise they just might not realise. I too would be happy to meet up with you, but you may not want to share your location.

I hope you are able to reconnect with a friend or two, and find ways to make you feel a bit better. It's a cliche, but fresh air and a brisk walk can help, for a while at least. Sending you virtual hugs from the South Coast, we're all here for you.

Sorry, haven't been on for a while. I have been reading though!

@BlueDaysTillChristmas I think I agree with everyone else to be very careful in this situation. This man is also talking to someone without photos (ie you ) so it does make one wonder what his reasons are for that. Could you look into an app that has friendships as an option rather than dating maybe? Talking to your gp sounds like an excellent idea. I hope that they can help you feel happier and stronger.
I think I missed the reasons that you were on the site looking for someone else?

I think having come out of an awful marriage, it has made me very wary rather than naive. I am constantly looking for red flags!

@Fiftyandmore babied?  Sounds as though he needs a more specialist site!

DustyMuse simplicity, quality and integrity sound exactly right. There are so many things I would compromise on but those are key. Glad that you are staying on the thread.

@WeWantTheFinestWines how odd for someone to disappear mid conversation. One message per day is not going to get them far with anyone is it?

I had another lovely evening with Mr Gatwick the day after we came out of lockdown. Lots of laughter again and we even touched on what we liked about each other. He has been pretty communicative via text since. He did also say that he hoped that once we get some more freedom that we could see much more of each other.

Bizarrely, Mr South of the River got back in touch too and said that things hadn't worked out with the last woman. I'm umm'd and ahh'd about whether to suggest meeting and in the end thought I would. So we had a quick walk today. He is chatty and smiley. Lovely gentle Irish accent. Has suggested that we meet again for a drink. The cons, he is quite overweight (but I'm not particularly slim) and I do feel a bit guilty about seeing him! I think Mr Gatwick has the edge but I do know him better. I also quite like having the distance to keep things slow. I wouldn't have that with Mr SotR. How odd is that reaction?

Also, the sites have been very very quiet for me still but I have looked at them very little as I use WhatsApp for both now. However, I have been advised how to set Hinge up so that I don't get loads of youngsters anymore. You have to have the age range as a 'hard limit'. So far, it does seem better on the few times I have looked. I was also told how to get around the algorithms so that you get more suitable matches but we were a bottle of wine down by then and I can't remember now

Welcome back Daftapath sounds like you're doing very well with two decent men - I think you're winning at dating today! I'm taking a break until the new year but will keep checking in and following everyone's progress.

@Daftapath, great update and keep us updated.

I am debating deleting after the end of the year...just not sure it is right for me. I had 4 messages yesterday and declined them all as so unsuitable. I also had a clear up of my chats and those that I didn't feel engaged with I sent a gentle "thanks but no thanks" message. The man who had a rant about his son just blocked me afterwards so think I made a good call there. One man was so lovely that I had a slight regret but I am trusting my instincts.

A benefit of OLD is that it is sharpening up what I want and helping me to be more assertive and trusting of my instincts. I have also made a new local friend so hasn't been too bad at all.

I have noticed many more profiles without photos and just ignore those who message.I imagine they might describe their situation as "complicated" aka married.

So we may need to do a roll call to see who is actually still online as many seem to be deciding it's not working for them.

Just have to share this with you before I dive into work! Got a message from someone calling himself "sexyhotDave" (Dave isn't the name he used). Never have I seen anyone less sexy or less hot. I can't tell if he's taking the piss out of himself or not! If not, then all I can say is I wish I had his level of confidence!

Have a good day everyone :)