Stood up and humiliated by three year long male friend

[Bitboredactually]

I’ve wanted a space to post about this for a while. I am not sure what to think about it or how I should react.

I am 40, divorced and a single mother. Through work I met a man (53) (will call him Y) while I was travelling 3 years ago who was also divorced. Nothing happened or even hinted at happening, but we got on very well, had a lot of things in common re: our line of business and kept in touch. He is based in The Hague.

Over the last three years we were talking most days. It was all “how’s your day been” type of chat. Never sexting or talking about anything sexual. But sharing experiences going on dates post divorce and laughing about it. I told him all about my abusive ex and complex childcare arrangements which he empathised with. Lots of work related stuff, what we’d heard on the grapevine. Over this time his father killed himself (I know this to be true as he is quite well known in our area of work and through the network I heard about it from others.) he relied on me a lot during this time over phone calls and whatsapp, almost every day.

After three years of talking and sharing the big stuff and the small stuff he asked me to run some errands for him in London as he had decided to move here. That included helping him find a flat, booking him a hotel, introducing him to people who might be helpful for work in our industry and generally preparing things for him as he got ready to come over.

I did everything he needed, including setting up intros, booking his hotel and two days of flat viewings with me pulling in favours from people I knew. He was in touch almost constantly for the month before he arrived, asking me to give him an itinerary of his stay, where will we go, what will we do? He said he wanted to know what my life was like in London, to go to all the places I go to.

In the last week before he arrived he said he would be also meeting someone else but that “she shouldn’t affect plans, just someone I am dating casually” I said okay - I had prepared myself that he would possibly disappoint me romantically and so was just looking forward to seeing someone I had felt so close to for three years and was happy for his girlfriend to tag along.

He arrived and texted me from the airport. Where are you? I was at work (like he knew I was as I had made clear when I was free and also arranged his itinerary. At the time, my ex was at my house having brought back DC4 from school. Unbeknownst to me, Y arrived at my house with his girlfriend (who it turned out was 23.) My ex was there and, before I knew it (I was at work remember) the three of them went out to lunch together. So my ex, Y and his 23 year old girlfriend, all out at lunch. I was still at work.

When I got back from work, I came in to find them all drunk at my house with my kids and nanny. It was a big deal for me as it was the first time I had seen Y for three years and also the second time I had met him in my life. It was very bizarre. Once I returned, they stayed for five mins and left.

About 2 mins after they left I got a text from Y saying “your ex isn’t THAT bad you know.” It felt awful as I had told Y so much about all the domestic violence and abuse and for him to say that really hit me hard.

The next evening, Y had asked me to organise a dinner out which included people he would like to be introduced to from our industry. I invited people I knew and who were important to me for work. I double and triple checked with Y that he would be there at 8pm. He confirmed several times, insisted he would be there on the dot, was going to bring his girlfriend but no problem. And guess what? He didn’t show. I felt humiliated and embarrassed.

Y sent a text the next morning saying he had seen everything he wanted to se and decided to go back to The Hague. I was gobsmacked and didn’t reply. We had a whole week planned and I had set things up.

He has now rented one of the flats I set up for him to see. He is still trying to be in frequent, daily contact with me. I am ignoring him.

I don’t know how to feel or what to say to him?

[One1]

Sorry to hear this OP, this guy has treated you like his PA without you being on the payroll. I am afraid he won’t get it even if you try to explain to him what’s wrong, his behaviour was appalling. People like him won’t change.
I had a female colleague that I blocked eventually after setting up a meeting with her at my new workplace when I was still in training . She never showed up and never texted or called. I had a go at her days later as my work took me to my previous work location. For all I know she had tried to be friendly just so she could use my contacts as she wanted to set up a new business.
I blocked and moved on. Never wanted to get sucked into her drama again.
Unfortunately we work together again, so she had to ask me about the blocking. she insisted she texted me which is not true as I blocked her a couple of months after it all happened.I even showed her my phone. Her story is so different to what she said immediately after.
Op, if you want to say something to him, say it now. Tell him how appalling his behaviour was towards you and how unreliable he is.
If don’t say something now when it’s all fresh, you won’t have the same arguments when you’ll have the conversation with them months/ years down the line. And him still texting you daily without acknowledging what an asshole he’s been speaks volumes about him. My colleague casually asked me to travel for a major holiday with her to another continent a few months after blocking her. These people never learn. They are a waste of time and space In my opinion.

[Pikachubaby]

He is a user, sorry, cut him out of your life

You have already given too much to him

Sorry

[Pechanga]

Just be grateful you didn't end up romantically involved with him, you dodged a bullet!

[Bluntness100]

Op how long ago did this happen? You must be communicating with him if he’s texting you daily. No one does that if they aren’t getting a response.

And I assume you know full well when he said he was going back he didn’t, he went and viewed flats and was just saying that so he didn’t need to see you foe the remainder of his week. In fact r sounds like the only time you actually saw him was those few mins on the first day.

He was also in the Uk during the three years and made no effort to meet with you. But he was meeting young women.

None of us can guess why you both had such different views on what your relationship was, but the perception from both sides was clearly very different

If you’re still texting this guy then you need to distance yourself. The way he stood you up at that dinner was appalling. Being stood up is bad enough, doing it where every one else gets to watch is just awful. Then to lie he’s going back so he could go off and do his own thing, is such a terrible way to treat someone.

[ChippyPickledEggs]

Fucking hell OP, poor you. What a terrible thing to have happen.

I've not got much to add other than this isn't your fault. There isn't anything you did that caused this man to treat you so badly. He's just a bad person who doesn't consider others.

You can look at your own boundaries and decide they need sharpening up, and that would be fine. But that doesn't mean you did anything to deserve this. What an absolute douchebag. Ghost him.

[GreenlandTheMovie]

Perhaps the "girlfriend" was an Escort who wasn't available for the dinner!

This odd man with no manners or interest in business contacts is 53. The OP is THIRTEEN YEARS younger than him herself. The whole thing doesnt make sense unless he is telling a series of porky pies.