Stood up and humiliated by three year long male friend

[Bitboredactually]

I’ve wanted a space to post about this for a while. I am not sure what to think about it or how I should react.

I am 40, divorced and a single mother. Through work I met a man (53) (will call him Y) while I was travelling 3 years ago who was also divorced. Nothing happened or even hinted at happening, but we got on very well, had a lot of things in common re: our line of business and kept in touch. He is based in The Hague.

Over the last three years we were talking most days. It was all “how’s your day been” type of chat. Never sexting or talking about anything sexual. But sharing experiences going on dates post divorce and laughing about it. I told him all about my abusive ex and complex childcare arrangements which he empathised with. Lots of work related stuff, what we’d heard on the grapevine. Over this time his father killed himself (I know this to be true as he is quite well known in our area of work and through the network I heard about it from others.) he relied on me a lot during this time over phone calls and whatsapp, almost every day.

After three years of talking and sharing the big stuff and the small stuff he asked me to run some errands for him in London as he had decided to move here. That included helping him find a flat, booking him a hotel, introducing him to people who might be helpful for work in our industry and generally preparing things for him as he got ready to come over.

I did everything he needed, including setting up intros, booking his hotel and two days of flat viewings with me pulling in favours from people I knew. He was in touch almost constantly for the month before he arrived, asking me to give him an itinerary of his stay, where will we go, what will we do? He said he wanted to know what my life was like in London, to go to all the places I go to.

In the last week before he arrived he said he would be also meeting someone else but that “she shouldn’t affect plans, just someone I am dating casually” I said okay - I had prepared myself that he would possibly disappoint me romantically and so was just looking forward to seeing someone I had felt so close to for three years and was happy for his girlfriend to tag along.

He arrived and texted me from the airport. Where are you? I was at work (like he knew I was as I had made clear when I was free and also arranged his itinerary. At the time, my ex was at my house having brought back DC4 from school. Unbeknownst to me, Y arrived at my house with his girlfriend (who it turned out was 23.) My ex was there and, before I knew it (I was at work remember) the three of them went out to lunch together. So my ex, Y and his 23 year old girlfriend, all out at lunch. I was still at work.

When I got back from work, I came in to find them all drunk at my house with my kids and nanny. It was a big deal for me as it was the first time I had seen Y for three years and also the second time I had met him in my life. It was very bizarre. Once I returned, they stayed for five mins and left.

About 2 mins after they left I got a text from Y saying “your ex isn’t THAT bad you know.” It felt awful as I had told Y so much about all the domestic violence and abuse and for him to say that really hit me hard.

The next evening, Y had asked me to organise a dinner out which included people he would like to be introduced to from our industry. I invited people I knew and who were important to me for work. I double and triple checked with Y that he would be there at 8pm. He confirmed several times, insisted he would be there on the dot, was going to bring his girlfriend but no problem. And guess what? He didn’t show. I felt humiliated and embarrassed.

Y sent a text the next morning saying he had seen everything he wanted to se and decided to go back to The Hague. I was gobsmacked and didn’t reply. We had a whole week planned and I had set things up.

He has now rented one of the flats I set up for him to see. He is still trying to be in frequent, daily contact with me. I am ignoring him.

I don’t know how to feel or what to say to him?

[MarthasGinYard]

You only met him once and he turns up to your house unannounced knowing you'd be at work as you'd told him so

[Standrewsschool]

Firstly, in the Trending Box, I read the title as ‘stood up by a Three Year old’! I wasn’t far wrong!

You’re a nice person who wanted to help a seemingly good friend, who then let you down. No wonder you feel a little hurt and disappointed.

[Lordamighty]

I’d be a bit concerned about his new friendship with your ex, given all the stuff you have shared about him, it’s all a bit odd.

[MarthasGinYard]

You'd obviously talked to ex about this friend of yours then? As surely they would have been complete strangers otherwise. Really odd your ex picking dc up from school, and then going out for lunch with them and then getting drunk back home with these complete strangers.

[AlpineSnow]

Agree. Send an invoice then block

[Unsure33]

I would definitely want to say something before blocking him . What he did was rude selfish and unforgivable. And I would want him to know that .

Then cut him out .

[PixelatedLunchbox]

@RednaxelasLunch

He sounds like a psychopath.

This.

Ghost the prick. Just disappear on him. He's not your friend.

[Eckhart]

@IDontMindMarmite

If you think my questions about OP's feelings were directed at you, crack on. I like 'You started it' It's so grown up. I'm finishing it too. Unless you'd like the last word..?

[IDontMindMarmite]

What do you think is going to happen when you @ someone?

[IDontMindMarmite]

I have a feeling you could start a fight in an empty room.

[SavoyCabbage]

Well, you sound lovely and capable, kind, strong and professionally competent. You have a good job and friends and colleagues. You have a home and children.

He sounds like a waster who is drifting in the wind.

I know who I’d rather be and I know who I’d rather go out with too.

I wouldn’t even bother trying to understand what he was playing at. It’s not worth it.

[AcornAutumn]

I’m sorry but you do need to recognise your role in this. You effectively stepped up as unpaid PA.

I know someone who is friends with a rich foreign man and books things for him when he comes to London, sets up useful meetings.

But they met at work and he basically pays for a PA service. It’s not a formal arrangement but while he’s here he’ll pay for her food shop, get her department store vouchers, theatre vouchers.

It means he doesn’t need to hire an agency stranger and she earns a bit extra.

I wouldn’t do any of the things you’ve described for a friend, amd this is someone you don’t know.

You need to ponder on this and how you got here.

Also, just because he encouraged you to share personal stuff doesn’t mean you had to.

[AcornAutumn]

OP “The next evening, Y had asked me to organise a dinner out which included people he would like to be introduced to from our industry. I invited people I knew and who were important to me for work. I double and triple checked with Y that he would be there at 8pm. He confirmed several times, insisted he would be there on the dot, was going to bring his girlfriend but no problem. And guess what? He didn’t show. I felt humiliated and embarrassed. “

Also, work and personal life should be kept separate as much as possible - this is linking your reputation to someone you don’t know!

[Figgygal]

He’s totally used and disrespected you
His betrayal with your ex would be enough for me to never trust him again
I’d have been furious over that dinner too what the fuck was he playing at? Probably blown his chances with those people and hopefully his reputation.

Move on op you’re obviously a great person you’ve just been taken advantage of

[Candyfloss99]

I would only do all the things you did for him for a very young adult moving for uni or something. This grown man is more than able to find his own flat and friends. There was absolutely no need for you to do all this for him. You've now put your own professional reputation into jeopardy by introducing a stranger to your contacts. He's obviously not the man you thought he was. How did he know where you live? I would just block him so you can be sure boundaries are now in place.

[crowsfeet57]

What a shit! He thinks you're his mother. Run!

[DianaT1969]

Again though love. It seems you had one long abusive relationship with you ex-husband (who you are still allowing to have the run on your home) and you can't spot when someone is using you. They have the internet at the Hague. He can book his own bloody hotel. He can find his own flats online. You thought there might be a possibility for romance, yet in 3 years of daily chattiy he never got on a short flight to visit you, and neither did you. It's such a waste to spend time on these men! OP, value yourself and your time more going forward. Question the motives of others.

[TheYearOfSmallThings]

I don't understand why you would do all these things for a man you met once, 3 years ago, and have never met since, despite the fact that he lives one hour away by plane?

His behaviour barely surprises me compared to the fact that you (a busy, successful businesswoman and mother) were willing to just...jump when he said jump.

Most people wouldn't do those things even for a parent or adult child unless they were somehow incapacitated. You need to work on asking yourself "Why am I doing this?"

[MushMonster]

He is an worthless shit. That is all.
You are doing right at ignoring him.
The dinner issue is the killer here. He asked you to organise it, then could not be bothered to attend.
He does have serious issues in his life. He wants to move to London. He "plans" flats, people to meet, well he gets you to do that. Then he changes his mind in two days. And he wants to get back. It is not a very stable frame of mind, is it?
And apparently, he has decided to stay, and rent one of "your" flats?
He is not following much logic. And he is not showing any care about your feelings. Making you do the work of arranging things, building it up to it, and then dropping you. That is not good. Keep away from him.
He seems to be too impulsive at best, or a cunning manipulator at worst.

[FinallyHere]

So empathise with this and can easily imaging getting sucked in by someone like this myself, so find myself wondering about the possible issues.

Whose credit card did you use to book the hotel ? Were you expecting him to host (and so pay for) the dinner? If everyone was paying their own way, what was in it for the others?

What would you do in future is someone asked you to do things they were perfectly capable of doing themselves?

[Aneley]

I'd be very concerned about stuff I shared with him over those 3y (stories, feelings, etc) and his budding friendship with your EX. There's no doubt that he's user par excellence but only you will know how exposed to your ex and other people in your circle he knows you will be if you enter an open conflict there. I'd start withdrawing slowly...

[PullTheBricksDown]

@SavoyCabbage is right that you're by far the better person in this. But agree with everyone else in taking a look at your boundaries. Does your ex still come in and out of your house? Put a stop to that right now if you haven't already.

[something2say]

Hello OP.

I'm shocked about what's happened too. My goodness!!

The others have given good advice, but I'd like to make some suggestions.

He's in your industry. You might come across him professionally in the future. Be careful now. What if you work together and he thinks he'd better stick the knife in to get rid of you for his own emotional avoidance and comfort??

I had cause to recently research what to do when someone stabs you in the back and the best bit of advice I found was 'don't be a banshee, but do TAKE NOTE.'

So. Re all emails, reply little and late. The friendship is over, but you don't need to make your life difficult. Over say a month, faze him right out. And starting now, no personal info or professional help. Just be busy, god SO busy, and you'll get back to him tomorrow and then gosh suddenly its Friday, wow how did that happen.

Re professional friends, distance yourself from him to them. Say yes, how wierd, obviously not the person we thought...raise eyebrows knowingly, the end. Create distance from him as you're decent and he is not. He did this not you, you really dont know him that well, we all had a lucky escape right?

For yourself, some soul searching I think. Some thinking about how it got to this. Did you ever think, hmm why can't he do these things himself?

But the long and short of it for me us that you were a good person to him and he has proven himself to be shockingly poor. And I am sorry you have had this experience.

[MushMonster]

@AcornAutumn

OP “The next evening, Y had asked me to organise a dinner out which included people he would like to be introduced to from our industry. I invited people I knew and who were important to me for work. I double and triple checked with Y that he would be there at 8pm. He confirmed several times, insisted he would be there on the dot, was going to bring his girlfriend but no problem. And guess what? He didn’t show. I felt humiliated and embarrassed. “

Also, work and personal life should be kept separate as much as possible - this is linking your reputation to someone you don’t know!

When re-reading this post, an idea popped in my head.
Is your field of work competitive? Could he be trying to steal customers and work from you in London?

[BSintolerant]

Please OP for your own safety and sanity, and to avoid any further damage to your self esteem, do not contact this awful creature again.

I reached the same conclusions as @GreenlandTheMovie before I’d even read their post. Sounds like he’s a conman. Oddly enough your story reminded me of some of Paul Bint’s antics - he was an odd one!

How do you know this man is who he claims to be? Have you seen his passport? Is he really in the same industry as you? It’s so easy to fake things these days. I think he avoided the dinner you’d arranged because he isn’t who he claims to be and your colleagues would have seen straight through him.

Could your abusive ex be of use to him in any way? I hope the conman hasn’t had sight of any of your bank details or other personal information, or had the opportunity to remove anything of value whilst he was in your house. If I were you I’d keep a close eye on your bank accounts, change the locks and check the contents of your jewellery box. Whose idea was it for him to go to your house and why was your abusive ex there?

I’d be wary of discussing him with your ex, other than to find out exactly what was said when you weren’t there. I’d also be Googling the hell out of this weirdo and his alleged girlfriend - reverse image searches the lot.

Who paid to reserve his hotel room?

The whole situation is weird and I’m sorry you’ve been targeted by someone who sounds potentially dangerous.