I’ve wanted a space to post about this for a while. I am not sure what to think about it or how I should react.
I am 40, divorced and a single mother. Through work I met a man (53) (will call him Y) while I was travelling 3 years ago who was also divorced. Nothing happened or even hinted at happening, but we got on very well, had a lot of things in common re: our line of business and kept in touch. He is based in The Hague.
Over the last three years we were talking most days. It was all “how’s your day been” type of chat. Never sexting or talking about anything sexual. But sharing experiences going on dates post divorce and laughing about it. I told him all about my abusive ex and complex childcare arrangements which he empathised with. Lots of work related stuff, what we’d heard on the grapevine. Over this time his father killed himself (I know this to be true as he is quite well known in our area of work and through the network I heard about it from others.) he relied on me a lot during this time over phone calls and whatsapp, almost every day.
After three years of talking and sharing the big stuff and the small stuff he asked me to run some errands for him in London as he had decided to move here. That included helping him find a flat, booking him a hotel, introducing him to people who might be helpful for work in our industry and generally preparing things for him as he got ready to come over.
I did everything he needed, including setting up intros, booking his hotel and two days of flat viewings with me pulling in favours from people I knew. He was in touch almost constantly for the month before he arrived, asking me to give him an itinerary of his stay, where will we go, what will we do? He said he wanted to know what my life was like in London, to go to all the places I go to.
In the last week before he arrived he said he would be also meeting someone else but that “she shouldn’t affect plans, just someone I am dating casually” I said okay - I had prepared myself that he would possibly disappoint me romantically and so was just looking forward to seeing someone I had felt so close to for three years and was happy for his girlfriend to tag along.
He arrived and texted me from the airport. Where are you? I was at work (like he knew I was as I had made clear when I was free and also arranged his itinerary. At the time, my ex was at my house having brought back DC4 from school. Unbeknownst to me, Y arrived at my house with his girlfriend (who it turned out was 23.) My ex was there and, before I knew it (I was at work remember) the three of them went out to lunch together. So my ex, Y and his 23 year old girlfriend, all out at lunch. I was still at work.
When I got back from work, I came in to find them all drunk at my house with my kids and nanny. It was a big deal for me as it was the first time I had seen Y for three years and also the second time I had met him in my life. It was very bizarre. Once I returned, they stayed for five mins and left.
About 2 mins after they left I got a text from Y saying “your ex isn’t THAT bad you know.” It felt awful as I had told Y so much about all the domestic violence and abuse and for him to say that really hit me hard.
The next evening, Y had asked me to organise a dinner out which included people he would like to be introduced to from our industry. I invited people I knew and who were important to me for work. I double and triple checked with Y that he would be there at 8pm. He confirmed several times, insisted he would be there on the dot, was going to bring his girlfriend but no problem. And guess what? He didn’t show. I felt humiliated and embarrassed.
Y sent a text the next morning saying he had seen everything he wanted to se and decided to go back to The Hague. I was gobsmacked and didn’t reply. We had a whole week planned and I had set things up.
He has now rented one of the flats I set up for him to see. He is still trying to be in frequent, daily contact with me. I am ignoring him.
I don’t know how to feel or what to say to him?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Stood up and humiliated by three year long male friend
Bitboredactually · 21/11/2020 22:28
Oh OP 
This is awful, the real tragedy here is that your self esteem is clearly not in a great place, to get to a stage where he’s comfortable using you as a PA without showing any respect. He clealry led you on like a puppy dog, hiding his GF from you as you ran around doing errands. I’m so sorry, it’s humiliating but you can’t make someone want you by doing everything they ask, in fact it often does the opposite. You’re not this guy’s maid, block and move on.
I was going to ask if you’d been in an absuive relationship but saw confirmation of this in your post. Your self esteem makes you vulnerable to men like this, and they can see it from a mile off. Just be glad he had a younger lady on call when he was here, otherwise you can be sure he would have used you for sex too and made this whole thing more painful.
What the fuck was he doing going out drinking with your abusive ex when you are his friend? WTAF. And his comment afterwards. 
He is fickle, his going off with your ex just because he was there, and his comment despite being your friend, shows that.
Same goes for his disappearing on you when he had a girlfriend/lover to hand.
He will carry on hurting you.
I suggest blocking him on everything.
I agree with what everyone else has said.
Except, apparently, I'm the only one thinking "what a cunt"
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.