Stood up and humiliated by three year long male friend

[Bitboredactually]

I’ve wanted a space to post about this for a while. I am not sure what to think about it or how I should react.

I am 40, divorced and a single mother. Through work I met a man (53) (will call him Y) while I was travelling 3 years ago who was also divorced. Nothing happened or even hinted at happening, but we got on very well, had a lot of things in common re: our line of business and kept in touch. He is based in The Hague.

Over the last three years we were talking most days. It was all “how’s your day been” type of chat. Never sexting or talking about anything sexual. But sharing experiences going on dates post divorce and laughing about it. I told him all about my abusive ex and complex childcare arrangements which he empathised with. Lots of work related stuff, what we’d heard on the grapevine. Over this time his father killed himself (I know this to be true as he is quite well known in our area of work and through the network I heard about it from others.) he relied on me a lot during this time over phone calls and whatsapp, almost every day.

After three years of talking and sharing the big stuff and the small stuff he asked me to run some errands for him in London as he had decided to move here. That included helping him find a flat, booking him a hotel, introducing him to people who might be helpful for work in our industry and generally preparing things for him as he got ready to come over.

I did everything he needed, including setting up intros, booking his hotel and two days of flat viewings with me pulling in favours from people I knew. He was in touch almost constantly for the month before he arrived, asking me to give him an itinerary of his stay, where will we go, what will we do? He said he wanted to know what my life was like in London, to go to all the places I go to.

In the last week before he arrived he said he would be also meeting someone else but that “she shouldn’t affect plans, just someone I am dating casually” I said okay - I had prepared myself that he would possibly disappoint me romantically and so was just looking forward to seeing someone I had felt so close to for three years and was happy for his girlfriend to tag along.

He arrived and texted me from the airport. Where are you? I was at work (like he knew I was as I had made clear when I was free and also arranged his itinerary. At the time, my ex was at my house having brought back DC4 from school. Unbeknownst to me, Y arrived at my house with his girlfriend (who it turned out was 23.) My ex was there and, before I knew it (I was at work remember) the three of them went out to lunch together. So my ex, Y and his 23 year old girlfriend, all out at lunch. I was still at work.

When I got back from work, I came in to find them all drunk at my house with my kids and nanny. It was a big deal for me as it was the first time I had seen Y for three years and also the second time I had met him in my life. It was very bizarre. Once I returned, they stayed for five mins and left.

About 2 mins after they left I got a text from Y saying “your ex isn’t THAT bad you know.” It felt awful as I had told Y so much about all the domestic violence and abuse and for him to say that really hit me hard.

The next evening, Y had asked me to organise a dinner out which included people he would like to be introduced to from our industry. I invited people I knew and who were important to me for work. I double and triple checked with Y that he would be there at 8pm. He confirmed several times, insisted he would be there on the dot, was going to bring his girlfriend but no problem. And guess what? He didn’t show. I felt humiliated and embarrassed.

Y sent a text the next morning saying he had seen everything he wanted to se and decided to go back to The Hague. I was gobsmacked and didn’t reply. We had a whole week planned and I had set things up.

He has now rented one of the flats I set up for him to see. He is still trying to be in frequent, daily contact with me. I am ignoring him.

I don’t know how to feel or what to say to him?

[GreenlandTheMovie]

Perhaps the "girlfriend" was an Escort who wasn't available for the dinner!

This odd man with no manners or interest in business contacts is 53. The OP is THIRTEEN YEARS younger than him herself. The whole thing doesnt make sense unless he is telling a series of porky pies.

[ChippyPickledEggs]

Fucking hell OP, poor you. What a terrible thing to have happen.

I've not got much to add other than this isn't your fault. There isn't anything you did that caused this man to treat you so badly. He's just a bad person who doesn't consider others.

You can look at your own boundaries and decide they need sharpening up, and that would be fine. But that doesn't mean you did anything to deserve this. What an absolute douchebag. Ghost him.

[Bluntness100]

Op how long ago did this happen? You must be communicating with him if he’s texting you daily. No one does that if they aren’t getting a response.

And I assume you know full well when he said he was going back he didn’t, he went and viewed flats and was just saying that so he didn’t need to see you foe the remainder of his week. In fact r sounds like the only time you actually saw him was those few mins on the first day.

He was also in the Uk during the three years and made no effort to meet with you. But he was meeting young women.

None of us can guess why you both had such different views on what your relationship was, but the perception from both sides was clearly very different

If you’re still texting this guy then you need to distance yourself. The way he stood you up at that dinner was appalling. Being stood up is bad enough, doing it where every one else gets to watch is just awful. Then to lie he’s going back so he could go off and do his own thing, is such a terrible way to treat someone.

[Pechanga]

Just be grateful you didn't end up romantically involved with him, you dodged a bullet!

[Pikachubaby]

He is a user, sorry, cut him out of your life

You have already given too much to him

Sorry

[One1]

Sorry to hear this OP, this guy has treated you like his PA without you being on the payroll. I am afraid he won’t get it even if you try to explain to him what’s wrong, his behaviour was appalling. People like him won’t change.
I had a female colleague that I blocked eventually after setting up a meeting with her at my new workplace when I was still in training . She never showed up and never texted or called. I had a go at her days later as my work took me to my previous work location. For all I know she had tried to be friendly just so she could use my contacts as she wanted to set up a new business.
I blocked and moved on. Never wanted to get sucked into her drama again.
Unfortunately we work together again, so she had to ask me about the blocking. she insisted she texted me which is not true as I blocked her a couple of months after it all happened.I even showed her my phone. Her story is so different to what she said immediately after.
Op, if you want to say something to him, say it now. Tell him how appalling his behaviour was towards you and how unreliable he is.
If don’t say something now when it’s all fresh, you won’t have the same arguments when you’ll have the conversation with them months/ years down the line. And him still texting you daily without acknowledging what an asshole he’s been speaks volumes about him. My colleague casually asked me to travel for a major holiday with her to another continent a few months after blocking her. These people never learn. They are a waste of time and space In my opinion.

[CandyLeBonBon]

@MaTrottinetteElectrique it's ok. I am just a tired grumpy old bag who realises how shit the world is to women! But yes I agree with you on your second comment. It's a bizarre situation for sure.

[MaTrottinetteElectrique]

I’m sorry to have caused offence by using the work “bimbo”.

It seems such a strange scenario to be messaging online daily, for 3 years, and then turn up with someone else, let alone demanding an itinerary, lunching with your ex and the meal business. I was trying to make sense of what the young friend was like.

[thornyhousewife]

He sounds like an addict and a fraud.

Don't beat yourself up, but you do have a bigger problem to sort out here and that is your ex.

Do your children have enough protection from him?

[Lamppostcat]

[quote CandyLeBonBon]@Lamppostcat maybe not. I just find the casual use of the very sexist and demeaning word 'bimbo' applied to a young woman a bit unpleasant. The man is dating a woman considerably younger than himself which is a red flag. But the inference that this girl must just be a vacuous, thick piece of 'eye candy' is a bit objectionable. It's a tired, misogynistic, sexist stereotype. That's all.[/quote]
Yes I hear you candylebonbon and agree . I don’t like the term either
If anything I see this man as the one with a major issue . He is undoubtedly a user and likely seeks out people who are vulnerable whether that be through personality or age or whatever to live out his fantasies of entitlement . Disgusting human being really

[CandyLeBonBon]

@Lamppostcat maybe not. I just find the casual use of the very sexist and demeaning word 'bimbo' applied to a young woman a bit unpleasant. The man is dating a woman considerably younger than himself which is a red flag. But the inference that this girl must just be a vacuous, thick piece of 'eye candy' is a bit objectionable. It's a tired, misogynistic, sexist stereotype. That's all.

[ClareBlue]

Well he gets the arse hole of the week award. All you can do is move on as per advice given and maybe think why you did all this for a person you had met once.

Can you make it clear to the rest of the industry what he did with the meeting etc

You obviously have a load of energy and exceptional organisational skills, so best not to waste them on wasters.

[justilou1]

Two things are screaming at me here... You need to completely ignore any dialogue you have had with him online. That is all “fishing” and manipulation.

a) His complete disbelief that you have a full-time job and that your time isn’t as valuable as his (Your inability perceived as unwillingness to drop everything to play with him when it suited him/The Event you organised that he flaked out on with no explanation.) and B) The 30 year age gap between him and his GF, and the fact that this is habitual, indicate a shallow, misogynistic personality with a brutal, vindictive need to take anything that can be gained without regard for the fallout on the lives of his victims. To him, women are assigned character parts - (The ingenue girlfriends, the mother figures (you) - and will never really be allowed to be genuine figures in his life, because he is only “borrowing” emotions.

[BloggersBlog]

Doubt you will get any answers @NeonIcedcoffee there's more holes than a swiss cheese in this

[NeonIcedcoffee]

Awful behaviour but why the fuck were you letting him treat you like his PA?

[mathanxiety]

How much contact do you have with your abusive ex - frequency and depth of contact, nature of conversations, @Bitboredactually?

[WatieKatie]

You sound like a lovely person OP and someone anyone would be lucky to have as a friend.

This guy’s behaviour was totally unacceptable, there are some very odd people out there unfortunately.

I really don’t see any point wasting your time thinking about him any longer as you’ll never get the answers you are wanting. Simply draw a line under him, block and learn for next time.

[Lamppostcat]

@CandyLeBonBon

Also the 23 year old, was she an obvious bimbo or just happened to be young?

Really? You think those kind of sexist stereotype comments are acceptable?

What a nasty assumption.

I might be wrong but I don’t think Matrot was implying that all 23 yr olds are bimbos . However there is a big question mark over a 50 plus year old man dating women who are old enough to be their daughters . In fact I’m close to his age and my GRANDAUGHTER is not far from this girls age!!

[Bluntness100]

I was also actually seeing someone casually when Y came to the UK and on the second night (the night he was a no-show)I invited my date along to that, as I figured Y would be bringing his girlfriend

Can you read this and see what’s telling in it?

It was a social event. You invited someone because this guy was brining his girlfriend. Not because you wanted him there. That’s not the reason you gave.

Snd you say in yout op, you thought he would possibly disappoint you romantically.

Look there is no shame in the fact you wanted to get involved with him. Trust me the shames on him, yes it’s embarrassing and uncomfortable , but the shame is his,

[tenredthings]

I'm impressed that Op, a single working mum with 4 DC has the time and inclination to run around organizing shit for anyone extra ! Did he even consider how seriously time stretched you probably are when he asked you to flat and job hunt for him.

[GreenlandTheMovie]

MarthasGinYard So he hadn't been in London but he'd been 'casually dating' this 23 year old who lives in London?

My guess is that this man actually lives somewhere like Slough.

[MrsElijahMikaelson1]

I would just block and move on. Chalk it up to experience and maybe have a think about why you are an easy Mark for controlling men.

[JustAPassingFashion]

I think I'd be tempted to send him an invoice for your time based on whatever he would pay a PA, op. What an awful man. I'm sorry

[OhDearMuriel]

".............He is still trying to be in frequent, daily contact with me. I am ignoring him.
I don’t know how to feel or what to say to him?"

How to feel - acknowledge that you have let him treat you like a complete sucker (sorry). Learn from it, the world is full of these self-centred users and piss-takers.

What to say to him - he probably thinks he so great and wants to keep you dangling so he can use you more in the future.
If you won't have any work connections, block him.
If you will, it's too hectic, lots going on etc., you'll message properly bla bla bla when you've got time and DON'T.

Whatever you do, do not ask him why he treated you so appallingly - don't give the perv bastard the satisfaction.

[GreySkyClouds]

How would he have got into the house if your ex wasn’t there?

Will be interesting if the girlfriend is on Mumsnet. Guess that will help with reducing contact!