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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How can I have a relationship in this situation?

155 replies

DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 18:15

I am 46. I have two children of 22 and 15. I split up from their dad 8 years ago. He has been in a relationship since about 6 months after we split up.

I've had a few short term flings but nothing serious and no one I've really involved my kids with. They met the last man I dated a few times but that's all.

They both still live at home. Eldest at university and youngest doing GCSEs.

The youngest spends alternate weekends at her dad's. And this is my time to do what Iike. She doesn't see him otherwise and we have no other family. I have 4 nights a month.

I've recently started seeing someone and she has explicitly said that she doesn't want me seeing him when she is at home and I have alternate weekends when she's not here to do what I like.

I'm not going to prioritise a man or myself over her but I wondered how other people manage it.

I feel it's unfair that her dad gets to build a whole new life for himself while mine is still on hold waiting for the children to leave home.

I purposely haven't pursued a serious relationship so that I would always be able to prioritise them and have only had casual flings. But i would really like something more serious now.

It isn't her fault. She didn't ask to be in this situation.

OP posts:
Nosnogginginthekitchen · 19/11/2020 18:21

Um... at 15 I'd say she's old enough to leave alone at home for the evening while you go on the odd date. I can understand why she might be uncomfortable sharing her space with a strange man, but at some point if the relationship continues she's going to meet him and eventually she'll have to realise that he'll be a part of your life. I think very on as you are, but just go slowly with regards to bringing those two sides of your life together at this point...

Nosnogginginthekitchen · 19/11/2020 18:21

*carry on

pictish · 19/11/2020 18:22

I don’t think she’s the boss of you is she? I’m not without sympathy but I’m not fond of the way she has imposed and set out her rules for you. It seems a little inappropriate given you are the adult here.

If she’s 15 it won’t be long until she has other priorities than being with you. It’s not okay for her to restrict your ability to form relationships for yourself. You should explain this to her.

So long as you are still able to offer quality times together, I can’t see a reason for you to agree to her motion.

Plumplumbadum · 19/11/2020 18:23

She's 15, and not the boss of you. She does not get to call the shots.

PositiveLife · 19/11/2020 18:27

Can she not spend more time at her dad's?

I'm struggling for similar reasons (slightly younger child) who refuses to go to her Dad's and I've been told by camhs not to force her

HotSince63 · 19/11/2020 18:28

I've recently started seeing someone

How recently?

I'd say it's fair enough that a 15 year old girl doesn't want a random stranger lounging around her home or staying over, but if she means she doesn't want you going out while she's at home then obviously you tell her she's old enough to be left at home alone for a few hours.

OurChristmasMiracle · 19/11/2020 18:29

So leave her at home and go out. At 15 so long as she’s fed and safe there’s no reason you can’t go to the cinema or for something to eat with someone.

I wouldn’t rush into anything serious I would take my time but eventually she will have to realise that her mum will one day find someone to spend their life with and she will have to accept that whether she likes it or not

Original poster
DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 18:29

Thanks.

They've both had a go at me this evening Hmm

We do spend quality time together. We spend most evenings together watching films, chatting, going out (when it's not lockdown!) I told them I was going to his overnight on Saturday and it didnt go down well. My intention was to stop overnight and come home on Sunday morning. So an evening date but where I can have a drink and I'm not clock watching.

They don't like the idea that I'm prioritising a boyfriend over her.

I just feels like more trouble than it's worth Sad

OP posts:
amillionwishes · 19/11/2020 18:31

At 15 she's old enough to know how relationships work and that every other weekend is not a lot of time to build a new relationship.

She doesn't want him there when she's there? That's fine. You can go out.

Wait till she's got a boyfriend and you say she can only see him every other weekend, bet she changes her tune then!

In all seriousness, I assume her dad lives with his partner?

amillionwishes · 19/11/2020 18:34

What's the 22yo issue!! Christ on a bike, at 22 they need to be an adult here! Is it that they don't want to "babysit" the 15yo?

Original poster
DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 18:34

I wouldn't bring him to the house. That's partly why I've been travelling to his.

I completely understand that she wouldnt want a strange man in the house and around her at home. I'm not suggesting that at all.

Her brother would be at home during the evening and they get on well. So she wouldnt be alone.

It's the choosing to go out with a man rather than spend the time with them that's the issue.

Can she not spend more time at her dad's?

No. Despite being desperate to spend more time with her Hmm he can never quite seem to accommodate her.

He wont see her more often currently due to covid. She doesnt like the idea I'm palming her off on him so I can see my boyfriend.

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 19/11/2020 18:35

She is 15 not 5 and you split up with her dad 8 years ago , you spend lots of quality time with her you are entitled to have your own life too. If he makes you happy and is a good man then carry on.

HollowTalk · 19/11/2020 18:35

She's being extremely controlling and unfair. Unless she's had a bad experience with one of your boyfriends, why would she assume you wouldn't choose someone nice? Does she try to control when you see your female friends?

As for your daughter in university, she has all the freedom in the world. Your daughter is free to do what she wants. Your ex has the freedom to do what he wants. And yet your freedom is restricted - they need to think about that.

Original poster
DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 18:36

What's the 22yo issue!!

He thinks its inappropriate of me to prioritise my love life/sex life over the daughter I chose to have.

Their dad isn't great tbh. I have to be all things.

OP posts:
DeRigueurMortis · 19/11/2020 18:37

There was another similar thread recently that you might want to look at.

DD and boyfriend -- has anyone ever successfully got past this? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4073861-DD-and-boyfriend-has-anyone-ever-successfully-got-past-this

I'll offer the same advice as I did on that thread.

You're a mother, not a martyr and have every right to a personal life/relationship.

Honestly, you need to call your children out on their hypocrisy (regarding accepting their fathers new relationship) and do so firmly.

Their attitude stinks quite frankly.

It's not their place to dictate your love life any more than they should get to dictate your job, your hair colour etc.

You need to start setting some firm boundaries here - the world does not revolve around them.

Your job as a parent is to ensure they are loved, safe and educated. It's not to pander to every whim.

Give in to this and your demonstrating that emotional blackmail and selfishness are "good skills" for life.

GalaxyCookieCrumble · 19/11/2020 18:37

Is it because of Covid restrictions where houses are not suppose to mix which could possibly be why she is so against it?

Sleazeyjet · 19/11/2020 18:38

I was you. I gave up. My youngest is 18 and I’m only dating now. It’s shit. I have a lovely boyfriend but I’m not sure I did the right thing.

HotSince63 · 19/11/2020 18:38

I told them I was going to his overnight on Saturday and it didn't go down well

I'm guessing the problem here is in your delivery of this info - your children seem to think they get a say in this and I can only assume that's because you give them the impression that they do.

Your 22 year old needs to be told firmly, like the adult that they are, that they need to get a grip.

Goingtogetflamed · 19/11/2020 18:39

OP your children are brats. You deserve friends (doesn’t matter if it’s a female friend you’re having dinner with or a man). Why should you subjugate your needs and wants (yourself even) for your children. Is this how you would like to see them parent your grandchildren.

You need to stand up for yourself for their sakes as much as your own as I would guess they’re not very nice.

Original poster
DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 18:40

In all seriousness, I assume her dad lives with his partner?

Yes he does. And they get on well.

I think if I'd had one long term partner who'd been there throughout they would accept it better but because I've deliberately only had non serious, casual things so I can prioritise them, my life choices now have less validity.

They've never had a bad experience with an ex. They've only met 2.

OP posts:
TwentyViginti · 19/11/2020 18:41

@HotSince63

I told them I was going to his overnight on Saturday and it didn't go down well

I'm guessing the problem here is in your delivery of this info - your children seem to think they get a say in this and I can only assume that's because you give them the impression that they do.

Your 22 year old needs to be told firmly, like the adult that they are, that they need to get a grip.

This.
Original poster
DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 18:43

Tbh, it's the first time they've ever objected. They made a effort with the last one and I suspect that it was because they thought right become long term.

It didn't.

Now they just feel I'm prioritising someone who might not be around in 6 months over her.

OP posts:
Original poster
DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 18:44

*Thought it might

OP posts:
Original poster
DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 18:45

Now they just feel I'm prioritising someone who might not be around in 6 months over her.

Maybe they have a point Sad

OP posts:
Nosnogginginthekitchen · 19/11/2020 18:46

Yup. In light of the new information I think you need to remind them that you were not asking permission and you do not require it.