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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How can I have a relationship in this situation?

155 replies

DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 18:15

I am 46. I have two children of 22 and 15. I split up from their dad 8 years ago. He has been in a relationship since about 6 months after we split up.

I've had a few short term flings but nothing serious and no one I've really involved my kids with. They met the last man I dated a few times but that's all.

They both still live at home. Eldest at university and youngest doing GCSEs.

The youngest spends alternate weekends at her dad's. And this is my time to do what Iike. She doesn't see him otherwise and we have no other family. I have 4 nights a month.

I've recently started seeing someone and she has explicitly said that she doesn't want me seeing him when she is at home and I have alternate weekends when she's not here to do what I like.

I'm not going to prioritise a man or myself over her but I wondered how other people manage it.

I feel it's unfair that her dad gets to build a whole new life for himself while mine is still on hold waiting for the children to leave home.

I purposely haven't pursued a serious relationship so that I would always be able to prioritise them and have only had casual flings. But i would really like something more serious now.

It isn't her fault. She didn't ask to be in this situation.

OP posts:

ReneeRol · 19/11/2020 18:46

You've given your kids way too much power. Now they feel entitled to dictate to you. Shut that down and date him. A fifteen year old can mind themselves for the night. Also, it's your home too and if you want to bring him home, you're entitled to.

TwentyViginti · 19/11/2020 18:49

Sorry but your DC sound awful. Have you over pandered to them about other issues?

It doesn't matter if this man is around for 6 months or 6 years. It's your right to have a BF. Your DC are old enough to know this.

HollowTalk · 19/11/2020 18:49

So on Saturday night both of your children would be at home?

Fatted · 19/11/2020 18:51

Do your DC have romantic relationships too OP? I'd suggest if she they do then the rules that apply to you apply to them also. So no partners to be brought home ever. See how they like it

PicsInRed · 19/11/2020 18:51

Tbh, it's the first time they've ever objected. They made a effort with the last one

Given this is the only one who's had this reception, I would be cautious that there might be something specific about this guy that she doesn't like and a reason she doesn't want him at the house when she's there.

HollowTalk · 19/11/2020 18:53

So they are worried that you are prioritising a night out with someone over your daughter? That's really awful - how can they think that? What if you were seeing a female friend - would they think the same?

And it's only sensible to date a few different men until the right one comes along - that's what you'd advise them to do, surely?

CodenameVillanelle · 19/11/2020 18:55

You tell your kids to stop being so bloody controlling and back off.
You aren't prioritising a man over your kids you're having a social life which you are entitled to.

VodselForDinner · 19/11/2020 18:56

Is it this particular boyfriend your daughter has issue with, or any man you would happen to date?

If the former, I’d be keen to figure out why she dislikes him so much.

If the latter, she’s being controlling and needs to understand that she can’t dictate what her adult mother does with her life.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 19/11/2020 18:56

Refreshing to see that I agree with everyone else. Your 15 year old doesn’t get to insist anything. Obviously they don’t need to spend time with a new boyfriend if they don’t want to, but at 15 there is absolutely no need for them to do so. They can hang out in their room if he’s round or stay home while you go out (not so easy at the moment of course, so home dates may be more necessary than ever at the moment).

You deserve the chance to build a new relationship and you can’t do that one night a fortnight.

Alonelonelyloner · 19/11/2020 19:03

Wow.
Just wow.

Even if it did end in 6 months, you have every right to a love life. She is 15!!!!!! It's bloody outrageous that they are making rules for you which are totally different from their dad.

Bow to this and you are teaching them both the lesson that your existence is beholden to them and their whims. Frankly it's fucked up.

Speak with them and tell them that you have the right to a life, just like their dad.
Please. It's just awful. It's making me seethe thinking about this situation.

Walkacrossthesand · 19/11/2020 19:05

Don't wait, OP. Your 'currency' dwindles with every passing year.

I'm 60 now, been single since I was 35 but had to focus on raising family and making a living until I was the age you are now.

Then the one long distance relationship I managed, ended - and I see no prospect of ever meeting someone now.

If you have a chance at love, grab it!

category12 · 19/11/2020 19:10

You've only been seeing him a short time - I would keep seeing him when your dd is at her dad's, and in between have lunch-time dates or short after-work ones.

Let time tell with it. I'd try to work out if there's a specific reason your dd has taken against this man, and not put pressure on her to get to know him or have him in the house.

amillionwishes · 19/11/2020 19:10

@DatingDilemmas

What's the 22yo issue!!

He thinks its inappropriate of me to prioritise my love life/sex life over the daughter I chose to have.

Their dad isn't great tbh. I have to be all things.

So he wants you to be alone for the rest of your life?

It is not unreasonable to want one night away. You have your dd at least 25 nights out of 30, he needs to look at that and see you're not prioritising anything over her. How ridiculous.

amillionwishes · 19/11/2020 19:15

@category12 the op has neither asked her dd to spend time with her new bf nor said he would be coming to the house. All she's said is that she will be staying at the new bf on Saturday night so she can have a drink and not have to clock watch.

How is the op supposed to get to the point where she introduces new bf to her kids when she's not allowed to see him except on 2 nights a month?

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/11/2020 19:17

@DatingDilemmas

In all seriousness, I assume her dad lives with his partner?

Yes he does. And they get on well.

I think if I'd had one long term partner who'd been there throughout they would accept it better but because I've deliberately only had non serious, casual things so I can prioritise them, my life choices now have less validity.

They've never had a bad experience with an ex. They've only met 2.

I think this is what you explain to your children. And that they don’t have a say in your love life. Especially when you’ve prioritised them when your ex has not.

pumpkinpie01 · 19/11/2020 19:17

Op you are still going to his Saturday aren't you ? Don't back down. Surely at their ages they spend a lot of time in their rooms anyway ? And even if they didn't once this current situation is better they will be out with their friends /gf/bf , that being the case why should you sit in on your own night after night. Please don't pander or give in to them , you have told them you are staying out for the night and they are acting like the man is moving in !

amillionwishes · 19/11/2020 19:21

What @pumpkinpie01 said!

In fact, if your 22yo is that judgemental over what you do with your life maybe they'd prefer to live elsewhere where they don't have to be subjected to their mother having an actual life...

Crappyfridays7 · 19/11/2020 19:21

I’m sure your 15 year old doesn’t bother about you when she’s at her dads, sat yourself alone (prior to this new man) does she give you a second thought? Doesn’t she want you to be happy? Sounds like a bit of a madam, why is it ok for dad to have someone? One night is not prioritising someone over them, as someone else said they need to get a grip and realise you’re not just their ‘Mum’ but a person too with feelings and capable of loneliness and in need of companionship too. They are being quite selfish

My boys are happy for me, they get on with my boyfriend and understand I’m not just mum, hope you can get this sorted and tell your 22 year old to back off he could move out if he doesn’t like your choices

Original poster

DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 19:21

Is it because of Covid restrictions where houses are not suppose to mix which could possibly be why she is so against it?

No. She's possibly frustrated by the limits on her own social life though. I didn't have an existing support bubble so he and I have bubbled this time round.

She's not met him. They've seen photos but that's all.

She's not got any romantic interests. She's not interested. Eldest is single and has been for a while. He's prioritising final year at university.

I've just explained that I wasnt asking permission and am entitled to a life and that their dad lives with someone etc.

I was accused of having a strop and told that two wrongs dont make a right.

Tbf, they're not like this at all normally.

I'd be spending Friday night and sat day time with her and going to his Saturday evening until sunday morning.

OP posts:

amillionwishes · 19/11/2020 19:25

Having a strop?? Who is the adult here? The only one having a strop is your dd and it's being facilitated by her brother.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 19/11/2020 19:30

Sorry but no child has the right to dictate to an adult. Obviously be tactful but don’t halt your life on her say so.

shiningcuckoo · 19/11/2020 19:40

I have two 15 year olds who love to tell me what to do. I generally laugh at them and ask them who made them the boss of me. They have said that they would not want me to have a boyfriend (not that they're queuing round the block) and my standard answer in (1) tough - Ill do as I like and (2) I might take this seriously when their Dad's girlfriend has moved out. I just treat it as a ridiculous joke. You might want to tell your older child to butt out. I don't imagine that you are telling them who they can see and when.

Original poster

DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 19:43

Is it this particular boyfriend your daughter has issue with, or any man you would happen to date?

It's not personal to him.

They've not met him.

He doesnt push anything either. There is no pressure from him to stay out longer or more often. He is conscious of not being seen to be taking their mum away from them. I see him one night at the weekend and for the day alternate weekends plus one evening a week. Its nothing.

I can't see him at lunchtimes because I don't get a lunch break and I'm exhausted after work with the way things currently are.

I've said I'm going. She is fine with me (watching a film later). Hes gone upstairs isn't speaking to me.

OP posts:

Bunnymumy · 19/11/2020 19:44

I'd get it if she didn't want him in the house when she was there but surely she must know its selfish to ask you not to gonout to date him when she is about.

Spundsml more like her dad is parroting his manipulations through her tbh. That 'you're throwing a strop' sounds like gaslighting bs.

I agree 'I'm sorry you feel that way but I'm entitled to a life outwith being a mother and you can like it or lump it' sounds like the best approach.

Bunnymumy · 19/11/2020 19:45

go out, sounds more like

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