How can I have a relationship in this situation?

[DatingDilemmas]

I am 46. I have two children of 22 and 15. I split up from their dad 8 years ago. He has been in a relationship since about 6 months after we split up.

I've had a few short term flings but nothing serious and no one I've really involved my kids with. They met the last man I dated a few times but that's all.

They both still live at home. Eldest at university and youngest doing GCSEs.

The youngest spends alternate weekends at her dad's. And this is my time to do what Iike. She doesn't see him otherwise and we have no other family. I have 4 nights a month.

I've recently started seeing someone and she has explicitly said that she doesn't want me seeing him when she is at home and I have alternate weekends when she's not here to do what I like.

I'm not going to prioritise a man or myself over her but I wondered how other people manage it.

I feel it's unfair that her dad gets to build a whole new life for himself while mine is still on hold waiting for the children to leave home.

I purposely haven't pursued a serious relationship so that I would always be able to prioritise them and have only had casual flings. But i would really like something more serious now.

It isn't her fault. She didn't ask to be in this situation.

You poor thing OP.

It sounds like you've martyred yourself to them completely over the years, so much so that your DC now see you as their possession.

You also sound quite anxious when describing the discussions you've had with them about dating. You all sound extremely intertwined in each other's lives, and you need a bit of space to breathe and to be yourself. Yes you are their DM, but you are also a person in your own right, and if you want to date, you should.

Try and be more bright and breezy when you let your DC know that you are going out. You are not asking their permission, you're telling them where you are going, who you'll be with, and when you'll be back, as people generally do when they live in the same house.

Reframe the conversation when you let them know you are off out, it's not you choosing him over them; you would like an evening out, and it so happens you'll be spending it with your boyfriend, or whoever else you choose to go out with. You can spend another evening watching films with your DC.

Taking more control over the narrative will help you to enforce the boundaries so your DC see you as the adult in charge (I realise your eldest is 22, but you know what I mean). At the moment it sounds like your DC feel as if they can control your life, and you need to change that dynamic.

They are 15 and 22.

Tell them straight up so you're happy with your dad being shacked up with someone 6 months after we split when you were 7 and 14 but I'm not allowed anyone.

Do these women (that's what they are) not have any friends themselves to the extent their mother cannot go out.

Wait until they have a boyfriend you won't see them for dust

Its lockdown. So no, they're not going out currently.

The eldest (son) wast happy about his dad shacking up with someone else and their relationship went through a really difficult patch.

But their relationship is long standing and has validity now. I said earlier, I think they doubt my abilities as a functioning adult because I've been mostly single and can't sustain a long term relationship.

I would have liked the last relationship to become serious. I'm not really thinking about this man in those terms tbh.

Our daughter just accepted her as she was younger and his new partner bought her sweets 🤷🏻‍♀️

You also sound quite anxious when describing the discussions you've had with them about dating. You all sound extremely intertwined in each other's lives, and you need a bit of space to breathe and to be yourself. Yes you are their DM, but you are also a person in your own right, and if you want to date, you should.

We probably are quite intertwined and I probably am quite anxious about it. I don't want them to feel they're being pushed aside for a man.

We've always been very close.

@37DeRigueurMortis

I've read the thread you linked to. I can really empathise with the OP's position and desire to do the right thing!

I also agree with your advice to her.

I think I'm going to sit down with my daughter tonight and talk to her.

I'm going to leave my son out of it. I think he likes to take quite a polarised view - inflexible/black and white thinking is part of his additional need (diagnosed) and it isn't always helpful and, as an adult, if he'd left home at 18 for university, he wouldnt even be there to see it! So it's not really any of his business.

Oh dear sorry. I hadnt realised one child was male!

Oh dear sorry. I hadnt realised one child was male!

That's ok. He'd probably have a go at you for "assuming his gender" either way

I think it’s time to remind your kids that you are more than just their mother.

Stop being so tolerant of their BS, you are in a relationship and they don’t get to dictate the terms of it.

Stop martyring yourself.

I think some of the advice is quite harsh, although I understand your children are not the 'boss ' of you, your youngest is a child and is still learning how to regulate her emotions. She is acting out like a teenager, she is not your equal and in a teenage way is trying to get your attention
I'm sure you spend lots of time with her but there must be something going on here. Resentment from the divorce? Anger?
You are very much allowed to have a life and date and certainly don't not date because your 15 year old is trying to call the shots but talk to her, find out what's going on.

The 22 year old is old enough to be living their own life and doesn't get to tell you but the 15 year old seems to regressing back to toddler behaviour to get your attention. Find out why.

Be firm with your boundaries but gentle with her emotions. Talk to her.

OP your kids are old enough to sit down and explain your side to.

Their DF has gone off and built how whole new life with only 4 nights a month dedicated to them. Whilst you adore them both, being their primary care giver has stopped you being able to do the same.

Your ex probably wouldn’t be in the relationship he is now had he had the kids full time but he doesn’t get any of the same criticism from them you do.

They will soon go on to have their own lives and are bordering on being adults themselves, you don’t want to spend your life alone, you want to meet someone and have a meaningful relationship. Either they accept this and get on board or they start spending 50/50 time at their dads house. However, there is obviously a good chance their dad won’t accommodate this (it’s not unreasonable to point this out to them).

‘Why don’t you ask your dad if you can spend alternate weeks at his and see what he says, I’m sure there will be some reason it’s impossible, perhaps you should critique him a bit more and give me a break’

Another thought, maybe your daughter feels a bit rejected by her dad and is taking it out on you by trying to get some control.

It's usually the mother that gets all the crap because we are the safe person for them.

Do you discuss her well being with her father, do you have that kind of relationship you can talk about it or he is not communicative? Because she's his daughter too and he needs to help you with this.

I think they doubt my abilities as a functioning adult because I've been mostly single and can't sustain a long term relationship.

This stood out to me. I'm no psychologist OP, however I wondered if these might be the vibes you are giving out. It comes across as if you feel as if you have failed in some way by not being in a long term relationship, but your ex has done so.

From an earlier comment you said you'd made a conscious decision NOT to date so that you could focus on your DC. You've been a devoted mum for the last 22 years, and on your own with 4 days off a month for the last 8 years. I don't see any failure in that, I see a resilient woman who has supported her DC first, and put her own needs second and last.

You need to cut yourself some slack OP, and establish new boundaries around your own time. You are a valid person, in or out of a relationship, mum or not, and you need to help shift the viewpojnt of your DC so they can "see" you as such.

Without it being a confrontation with your DC, if you want to go out with your boyfriend, tell your DC a few days in advance, and off you go. Don't make a big deal of it, say it in the same way you might tell them you are popping to the shops. The more you normalise the relationship as another facet of your life, the more normal it will become, and they'll eventually accept it that way.

They will soon go on to have their own lives and are bordering on being adults themselves

That's why this is precious time to appreciate the close relationship she has with her daughter and son. So much of the time there's this narrative that children are stopping you living your life, but it is living life to spend it with your family. My dc are close to flying the nest, and for me, it's like the ABBA song "slipping through my fingers". Like op, I'm seeing someone at the weekends they're at their dad's. And I find other times to see him in between, but nothing that impinges too much on what the kids are doing. I don't feel like I'm sacrificing anything.

My mum got into a relationship with a new man at about this age for me, and it was really uncomfortable and I felt really pushed out - it's a real balancing act. But your kids are your kids for life and that close relationship is far more precious, blokes come and go.

Op, I have 2 dc (a bit younger at 13 and 14) and I have a bf.

Their dad has them 2 or 3 nights a week so I do have more 'free' time than you but 15 months down the line, I do try and keep my relationship with him as separate as I can to being mum to them. They haven't asked me to and my bf does spend time here sometimes but I just prefer it that way.

I think at 15 and 22 they are going to have to accept that you are not just their mum but a human being and you deserve love and affection from someone other than your children if you want it.

Just keep reassuring them that this man is not taking you away from them but is making you a better person to be around as you are happy.

I also agree with this from @Aerial2020: It's usually the mother that gets all the crap because we are the safe person for them

It made me angry too that my ex not only had an affair but was then with her straight away and my kids were spending time with her yet I felt so guilty about dating after a few months.

I will always be the 'safe' and 'stable' person in my kids lives though and they will always come first for me. I'm not so confident their dad could say the same.

Love, dating is a part of life, your adult life - whether in a marriage with their dad or with someone else, you dating is setting the example for them to see what normal relationships look like.

Funny that neither of them are particularly clued up on relationships

They are the ones with issues here, and by the sounds of it the pandering that they are demanding is based on their issues and nothing you’ve done

Be very firm. Make sure your son knows that he’s able to move out if he disapproves of the way you - a fully grown women who has done her job when nobody else bloody did - live YOUR life.

When I ended the relationship with my ds dad who was abusive, I attended a number of workshops and support groups and one of the things I learned was that while we think of our kids and make sure they are priority when needed, if we never put ourselves at the top of our own list every so often, they won’t ever put us on their list at all.

I think you’ve sacrificed a lot for them and been the only proper parent and the see you as a service or a resource not a human being with rights to a life.

Be firm and tell them that they need to get their own lives and you will be going out where and when you want to and if they don’t like it, TOUGH.

Please don't say to her if she doesn't like it then tough.
Talk to her , keep your close relationship while having a life. It's a balance. A very hard one but you are the adult, please be kind. It's hard now but it will pay off in the future if you keep communicating with her

Being a parent is not sacrificing. It's the wrong way to look at it if you say you have sacrificed your needs for her. Of course you have. She doesn't owe you for that. That is too much emotional baggage for a child to take on.

But now she's getting older, you need a bit of a life too and talk to her about that.
It can work.

But it IS tough! This Dd doesn’t have the right to dictate her mother’s life and the sooner she realises that the better

We none of us can make anyone do anything they don’t want to do

The sooner this child realises- it’s way past time that she has too - that the world doesn’t revolve around her, that her mother does have a life, and needs and prioritises herself on occasions the better.

This dynamic is so harmful- for the dc mostly as it it so out of control and unreasonable

Their mother isn’t a servant or a serf!

I’d say to the ds that he’s way too old to be having tantrums and that the moving out needs to be a priority for him in 2021.

These kids have got really significant issues with relationships because they’ve never had to think about their parents or particularly their mother as a human being, an adult and/or a woman. Only a convenience or service giver.

The whole dynamic is a mess and needs a radical overhaul.

She's 15, that is why she is having a tantrum. She is not an adult.
The way forward is to be kind and still
stick to boundaries. It can be done.
Kids tell us things through their behaviour what they arent able to articulate and as their parent we have to listen to that.

Doesn't mean she is being her servant. It means she is being a caring parent.
Always always talk to your children and explain. She can still have a relationship and be there for her daughter.
Telling her tough is awful when her dad has already not wanted that time with her.

The 22 year old needs to be more supportive though. He is an adult though and that's different

It's interesting that your son is so keen on certain groups of people being able to live their life how they want, yet is so controlling of you, when you're in a different group.