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Original poster

How can I have a relationship in this situation?

155 replies

DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 18:15

I am 46. I have two children of 22 and 15. I split up from their dad 8 years ago. He has been in a relationship since about 6 months after we split up.

I've had a few short term flings but nothing serious and no one I've really involved my kids with. They met the last man I dated a few times but that's all.

They both still live at home. Eldest at university and youngest doing GCSEs.

The youngest spends alternate weekends at her dad's. And this is my time to do what Iike. She doesn't see him otherwise and we have no other family. I have 4 nights a month.

I've recently started seeing someone and she has explicitly said that she doesn't want me seeing him when she is at home and I have alternate weekends when she's not here to do what I like.

I'm not going to prioritise a man or myself over her but I wondered how other people manage it.

I feel it's unfair that her dad gets to build a whole new life for himself while mine is still on hold waiting for the children to leave home.

I purposely haven't pursued a serious relationship so that I would always be able to prioritise them and have only had casual flings. But i would really like something more serious now.

It isn't her fault. She didn't ask to be in this situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 19:48

Tbh I doubt very much it's coming from their dad. Whilst he's a bit rubbish hes never been obstructive and I suspect that, if I spoke to him he'd support me and tell them to wind their necks in.

OP posts:
Emmie12345 · 19/11/2020 19:48

OMG op this is terrible

You sound like a great mum and you have every right to date and find love !!

Just don’t let your kids dictate - it’s about you as well you know !

TwentyViginti · 19/11/2020 19:52

Hes gone upstairs isn't speaking to me

He's 22 and needs to grow the fuck up or leave your home if he doesn't like to see you having a bit of a life.

Sundance2741 · 19/11/2020 19:54

It doesn't matter whether this relationship works out long term - you are entitled to a personal life and your kids are old enough to understand that.

I find it odd that you all watch films together frequently to he honest. My 15 and 20 year old are rarely interested in doing that! (I wouldn't mind them doing so but they're both wrapped up in their own social lives, mainly conducted online/ by phone at the moment.)

amillionwishes · 19/11/2020 19:55

So it's the 22yo, having been the "man" of the household for the last 8 years, thats feeling threatened? And using his sister as a cover for this?

I think you need to make it clear to him that you having a bf doesn't change what he's done for the last 8 years, and that you have enough common sense not to just move a random fella in on a whim.

pictish · 19/11/2020 19:57

He’s not speaking to you. Pffft. Leave him to it then.

Emmie12345 · 19/11/2020 19:59

Sounds like your 22 year old might be wishing he has a love interest ! Sounds like envy to me !

Namechangeme87 · 19/11/2020 20:01

But her dad can ?

God women always seem to get a shit deal . In the nicest possible way your dc don’t get to dictate what u do . Iv been a single mum since I was pregnant with my you get at ( ex cheated on me n that’s when I found out ) ain’t no way I wouldn’t have dated in The last ten years since then !

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/11/2020 20:02

@amillionwishes

So it's the 22yo, having been the "man" of the household for the last 8 years, thats feeling threatened? And using his sister as a cover for this?

I think you need to make it clear to him that you having a bf doesn't change what he's done for the last 8 years, and that you have enough common sense not to just move a random fella in on a whim.

But he’s not the man of the household and has no right to act like a jealous spouse.
Namechangeme87 · 19/11/2020 20:02

Youngest ! Not - you get at !!! Confused

Original poster
DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 20:06

I find it odd that you all watch films together frequently to he honest. My 15 and 20 year old are rarely interested in doing that! (I wouldn't mind them doing so but they're both wrapped up in their own social lives, mainly conducted online/ by phone at the moment.)

Tbh, its usually just the youngest and me because we have similar tastes in films. We usually watch something at the weekend and something midweek at the moment. She obviously spends a lot of time chatting with her friends online. The eldest isn't really interested but he and I will spend an evening together chatting etc a couple if times a week.

I think this is what has irritated me. If I dont go to his at the weekend I'll be sitting in the living room on my own from about 9pm and 11am the following day. So I might as well be out at his!

Before lockdown, she was barely home and had a great social life. Eldest has always been a bit more of a homebody but he has good friends who he sees often.

OP posts:
Original poster
DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 20:10

But he’s not the man of the household and has no right to act like a jealous spouse.

No and he's never been treated as such either.

He's still living at home because he's at university locally and it seemed pointless for him to pay £6k a year for accommodation. He does pay 'rent' at home. And he works to cover his costs. He hasn't asked for anything from me financially since he turned 18.

OP posts:
Original poster
DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 20:13

I have no intention of living with anyone whilst she is under 18.

I know many people do but, having been the child in a similar situation that was handled very badly, I committed to not creating a step parent or blending families 8 years ago and it still stands.

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 19/11/2020 20:15

Control freakery. I wouldn't even entertain it. What do they want to sit with you for anyway, aged 15 & 22 fgs?! You're a grown woman, go and see your partner tell your kling-ons that's the end of it.

pumpkinpie01 · 19/11/2020 20:23

Would your 22ds normally have a strop if you had gone out with friends for a meal ?

strugglingtomakesenseofitall · 19/11/2020 20:26

Putting your romantic life on hold for your kids is not something they will thank you for in the long run, you can't undo the mistakes of your childhood in your adult life. Make a balanced decision based on your current needs and the kids, I can't understand why your 22 year especially thinks it's anything to do with him, I think you're all a bit too enmeshed in each other's lives.

Original poster
DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 20:30

What do they want to sit with you for anyway, aged 15 & 22 fgs?!

Well they don't in reality. They just don't like the idea I've chosen to spend the evening with a man over the.m/her. We are close and we do stuff together.

They've never objected to.me going out or spending time with other people before.

I wouldn't be away from them for more than one night/plus poss day at the weekend.

Obviously lockdown has made it more obvious if I'm not here.

OP posts:
Emmie12345 · 19/11/2020 20:32

You sound like you feel guilty and are really projecting your experience With a stepparent onto them op

Suzi888 · 19/11/2020 20:33

Agree with this. Your job as a parent is to ensure they are loved, safe and educated. It's not to pander to every whim.

I’m not condoning telling porkies, but what would they say if it was girl’s night out? They should want their mum to be happy and not alone (unless you wanted to be).
Your 22 year old doesn’t want to babysit the 15 year old by the sounds of it, whereas the 15 year old doesn’t want to share you.

Original poster
DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 20:36

I think you're all a bit too enmeshed in each other's lives.

Possibly. I hadn't thought about it like that!

We are very close. They are incredibly close. They go out for a walk together most evenings.

I suppose he thinks it's to do with him because, societally, I've moved into that bracket of 'invisible women' and I'm terribly selfish for not just accepting that.

He wasn't brought up.like that though.

OP posts:
ThePawtriarchy · 19/11/2020 20:37

I think it’s not that you’re prioritising him that they don’t like, it’s that you’re prioritising you. Most people find change, or the thought of it hard, but you’re not helping them by avoiding it.

You might also want to mention how you’re looking forward to them taking care of you when you reach old age, seeing as you’re not allowed any relationships Smile

Original poster
DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 20:39

Your 22 year old doesn’t want to babysit the 15 year old by the sounds of it, whereas the 15 year old doesn’t want to share you.

You couldn't be more wrong about him. They are really close. They love spending time together and have a really great relationship. She's easy and well behaved and they rarely argue or fall out. He is her fiercest defender. We nearly lost her as a baby and he promised a tiny girl that he'd always look out for her. I suppose he feels that that is what he's doing.

I don't know so much about her.

OP posts:
Original poster
DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 20:40

I think it’s not that you’re prioritisinghimthat they don’t like, it’s that you’re prioritisingyou

I think you're spot on there.

OP posts:
Original poster
DatingDilemmas · 19/11/2020 20:42

But at the same time i feel like I'm becoming irrelevant to them.

OP posts:
pumpkinpie01 · 19/11/2020 20:55

In what ways do you feel irrelevant?

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