Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

Bizarrely @UtterSocks I do not view Mr VW as an arsehole. Yes he did a slow fade & ultimately ghosted me after 8 heady weeks but my interpretation is him going off the boil & not having the heart to tell me straight.

Or maybe he's a selfish arsehole and I'm a too nice pushover. I'll probably never know!

Glad he was the one who finally gave me the clarity of where I was going wrong (not binning off inappropriates on first date if they weren't up to my standards or indicating they weren't for me) and don't harbour any bad feelings towards him.

Very fair minded of you @Ruralbliss. Mr Beard was in a lot of pain due to the fuckup that was his life and I have forgiven him. But - also I think his personality definitely tended towards the selfish arsehole anyway 😂

In other news Mr Ginger has upped his game and booked a REALLY nice hotel for Saturday in.a really nice part of the county. Despite myself I am quite excited... (still not getting carried away though. He is a man who lives with his ex FFS)

@UtterSocks why can't they live separately? How bloody annoying. Even if she refuses to work, surely he doesn't have to accept the situation?

@Eesha yes I need regular communication too. Lolz at the fact Tenerife has just been taken off the air corridor - so who knows if we'll go anyway! Weirdly I'm not worried about spending the time with him as every time we meet we have a massive laugh and it is easy/relaxed (and it is only 5 days so not an interminable age to be in someone's company). The thing I'm most worried about is snoring - I'm totally and utterly intolerant of it.

That sounds whack @UtterSocks how frustrating (but the deluxe hotel does still sound like a smashing winter treat)

Can I garner opinion - liars of age on profile - instant binning?

Man whose profile says he's 45 reveals he's 55 on first message

Oh sod it of course it's an instant binning as I have filters set at 52 max so he shouldn't even be an option.

Sneaky sod

Instant binning @Ruralbliss -deceptively trying to hook younger women

That is very fair minded of you @Ruralbliss. MsS did the same thing to me and I was quite cross with her for not telling me straight. Still, I’m more sympathetic now as she did have a lot on her plate. Should take a leaf out of your book maybe.

I’ve just read on another thread about a lady who ended the first date because of ( dirty) trainers and didn’t look as pics had portrayed. You said yours were clean but the story just stuck out !

FWIW I don’t see why trainers have to be pristine ! Learn something new on these board every day !

Sorry my previous post was for @TheCatWithTheHat!

So ... had my online office party last night. Was over by 10.30 and then Mr Ginger messaged me to say he was in the area (he has a second job that involves visiting clients at night) so as my DD was upstairs in bed I let him come round for a coffee. He stayed a few hours and he is properly love bombing me. I’ve never had anyone declare affection so openly or so soon before. But am not reciprocating. I keep telling him, while he lives with his ex I’m not thinking beyond the next date. We have a lovely weekend planned but I’m still very wary.

Meanwhile Mr Local has dialled down the messaging to virtually zero (but we still have a recurring appoint for Tuesdays). It’s feast or famine out there 😂

I've been a little quiet...I've deleted all apps/accounts other than Fab and Tinder, though I think Tinder's days are numbered. I'm just not feeling it at the moment, fab is much more relaxed and less pressure than other sites, so I think I will take a break until the new year.

I met MrTall on fab for a fb/no strings type thing but it's slowly possibly developing into more. The sex is great but he is also so attentive, sends me lovely morning messages plus I've met him a couple of times just for a coffee and nothing else (his suggestions). I'm not sure what it is, but I enjoy his company so I'm just going to continue to enjoy it for now, not really looking for anyone else but I'm very conscious that he may well be meeting others considering we met on fab so I'm trying not to overinvest.

*I’ve just read on another thread about a lady who ended the first date because of ( dirty) trainers and didn’t look as pics had portrayed. You said yours were clean but the story just stuck out !

FWIW I don’t see why trainers have to be pristine ! Learn something new on these board every day !*

I think it must be a London thing. We have entered the rainy season down here, everything is ankle deep in mud, and if a man turned up for a date with pristine trainers on I'd assume he'd have either worked out how to teleport, or had been carried door to door in a sedan chair. On Sunday's walk with Mr DD, I discovered a couple of pools of liquid mud that I genuinely think didn't have a bottom- certainly they threatened to be deeper than my long wellies.

Utter Socks Hmmm...your Mr Ginger seems remniscent of my ex FWB Mr Shipwreck. Still living with his ex, lovelorn and absolutely desperate for an emotional escape from his miserable situation. I strongly suspected he wanted the impetus of a whirlwind romance to move out and move on, but, given that his living situation was extremely complex and that he had some very difficult decisions to make, that would have involved both standing up to his ex and potentially causing harm to vulnerable family members, I wasn't going to be his escape ladder. I now hear that he's met someone else though, so I guess he got his crutch in the end (bitter).

30something Mr Tall sounds excellent! Sounds like there might be a little "What do we both want out of this?" conversation in the offing though...

@30somethingandstillsingle maybe you’ll be one of those who start off as fwb and progress into something more.

Help me with some perspective please people - how to deal with the whole overthinking thing. If a guy texts me everyday - not horrific lovebombing style but like a photo of something he’s doing and then some back and forth everyday that’s good right? Still can’t align that with him def being on the app. However sensibly I think about it argh help - is this normal?

@crackofdoom you’ve hit the nail on the head there! I’m his escape ladder! I knew I had a ‘feeling’ something was a bit awry but could not put my finger on it. Well I’ll have a bloody good time this weekend but I’m going to have to make it clear that I’m not available for that. As I say I do like him but ...

@30somethingandstillsingle I think Mr Tall sounds lovely. I never see Mr Local outside his house. I’m wondering if he has agoraphobia 😂

@LongtimelurkerL He might be going on the app to field messages ? It’s a tough one .. not everyone shuts the app down even when they meet someone they like. I know I used to be on the app to read and reference some of the things dates sent me early on in messaging but truthfully when I meet someone I like, I want to see how that goes without distractions.

Consider this though, If he’s not sure about where you are at in terms of dating style and then seeing you on the app, and you’re on the app monitoring whether he’s on the app then you have this vicious circle of insecurity. It’s probably best if you want to date exclusively to ask him if that’s something he’d consider, otherwise accept he’s going to date others and have the confidence to keep seeing him in spite of that. Of course hold back from anything physical - the quid pro quo of him dating others is that you aren’t down for sharing. So see him, see whether you can spend quality time together but keep the boundaries

@30somethingandstillsingle Mr Tall sounds quite nice. I think people make time for those they want to see so despite the fab thing, he seems to enjoy your company, enjoy!

@LongtimelurkerL I sometimes go on bumble to check back on old chats with Mr Yoga. It could be innocent. You should just accept multi dating but don't sleep with him.

Seeing Mr Yoga later today and excited indeed. We had a long chat about the incidences this week where I said I felt sad etc but didn't get any response plus the conversation moved into autism discussions and his emotional unavailability. I think it's taken the shine off my idyllic view a bit, but that was needed. He has a lot of autism related mental health issues flaring up and he's been open with me about not seeing anyone else but that he also needs to resolve the mental stuff first. Although I adore him, I can see he would probably need a lot of support/work and I'm not sure I'm ready to put someone at the forefront again when I don't think mentally they will ever be a great support to me. I seem to be attracted to decent sorts but with lots of issues.

My ex is unfortunately causing issues too, was drunk and quite rude to me after a relatively long period of being great. It's made me anxious as he's due to have the kids this weekend for the 1st time and I worry for them. It's like he has an instinct that I'm actually happy and then stomps on it with his drunken behaviour.

@Eesha I hope you have a great time today with MrYoga. If you can show him support without getting too deep I think you should. But don't ignore your instincts whilst doing so .

@HairyArsedMan very good advice thanks. It’s not even that I mind he’s on the app, I go on sometimes just to have a quick swipe about, it’s more if he’s actually going on more than one date with a few people. Does that make sense? Try to tell myself I obviously don’t ‘own him’ or anything like that. I just don’t know what’s going on and there’s so many scenarios running through my head. On one hand we’ve had two really good dates and a third is planned, we text every day - most of the time he’s initiating (I just mean I’m not sending him millions of texts or whatever, I’m trying to be a bit cool) and then on the other he’s def back on the app and I’m not sure why. Absolutely fair enough to be randomly swiping around when he’s bored or even chatting to someone I guess but I don’t want him to find someone he likes more with less baggage than me!!

@Eesha have a great day!! Sorry to hear about your ex

@LongtimelurkerL From a practical point of view with a potentially lethal virus doing the rounds, there’s a valid justification for openness in just how much dating you are both doing.

Think of your positive points and forget about the baggage side of things. Everyone has that ... as someone once sang ‘What kind of life you living, having no regrets?’.

How to deal with the other fish in the sea ? You’ve got it right on the ownership thing. Own yourself and leave it there. I think there are plenty of blokes out there that might be better by some measure or other. I approach it from a point of view of wanting the best for my date and I’m bringing myself along in the hope of being that for them but if they find someone better, well that bloke must be pretty bloody great, and fair play to them for spotting it.

Very sensible @HairyArsedMan and most of the time I am one of the ‘I am bloody great’ women. Just sometimes have a wobble. I find it hard to know when’s the right time to have this sort of chat because you read both sides. People who don’t do it until 6 months and get the long term relationship and those who do it date one and get the long term relationship! Argh

@Eesha
I hope your walk with Mr Yoga goes well.
It sounds like you have a lot to think about regarding your relationship, it would be a shame to split as you get on so well but equally you know what you want and need in a relationship and I'm not sure he can offer that.

Sorry that your ex is also being a knobhead again

@LongtimelurkerL I don’t think it’s sensible to even consider the possibilities of long term until you’ve got to know someone. I don’t think anyone is an expert at the timing of that sort of discussion. iIt concentrates thoughts about the relationship so it’s a scary prospect and I bet a lot more short term things end at that point rather than going the distance as in your examples. .You can only know yourself and be true to yourself so if you’ve got to a point where you think you know someone well enough, you can say look I’ve got strong feelings for you and it’s probably better for us to decide now whether we both want this to continue exclusively and with an eye for the long term.

Just reading that back ... am I the most unromantic sod in the world ? I had one relationship in my 30s where that sort of thing had been unsaid though we seemed to understand that we were together. This was pre online dating but even then it was rather free spirited - that one ended quite suddenly when she said ‘see that bloke over there, I snogged him last week’. I felt so sceptical about the long term after that but my next relationship lasted 15 years or so 🤷‍♂️

@LongtimelurkerL when I started dating Mr R I used to panic whenever he was off WhatsApp for an evening because I (often correctly) assumed he was on a date. I was convinced I had amazing ‘competition’ and he would choose someone else which really isn’t like me to be so insecure. He used to go on the apps too. Having discussed it since I know that he had some awful dates and he was checking my old profile as much as I was checking his. My match account actually lied. Twice he showed me on his phone that it said I had been on in the last 24 hours when I knew I hadn’t been on. After that I turned off my account because unsurprisingly I didn’t think he believed me.

Anyway we had the ‘exclusive’ chat really early on - third or fourth date - but it was in a ‘let’s take each date as it comes and remove the element of multidating that is stressful’ and slowly get to know each other. I think @HairyArsedMan has likened it to a commitment to a process of getting to know each other rather than a deep ‘relationship’ with someone you barely know and if I were dating again I would use that sort of language and have the conversation sooner rather than later.

In my case we had sex really early on and I did not want to have sex with someone who was having sex with other people. I was concerned about std’s but obviously now I would worry about covid.

@stealthninjamummy thanks that’s exactly where I am. I’m not expecting the man to propose tomorrow or even want to be in a serious relationship with me but I know I don’t want to date other people and would rather see how it goes with him rather than just mess everyone about and multidate. Don’t know how to bring it up without sounding like a bunny boiler though

[quote LongtimelurkerL]@stealthninjamummy thanks that’s exactly where I am. I’m not expecting the man to propose tomorrow or even want to be in a serious relationship with me but I know I don’t want to date other people and would rather see how it goes with him rather than just mess everyone about and multidate. Don’t know how to bring it up without sounding like a bunny boiler though[/quote]
It can be hard isn't it? I am fairly new to the thread but I am guessing you have been seeing your iron for a while, maybe bring it up like " I enjoy your company and I am willing to see where this goes by removing my profile on the dating website " or something in that light . He might be waiting for you to give the green light and suggest it first , but either way it's best you know now and it will save you wondering .