Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@stealthninjamummy I've tended to have partners who were very into me whereas this is the first who I've really wanted. I feel I have that fearful attachment style as I'm scared things will end. I've experienced quite a few family tragedies and come from an abusive relationship too.

I only made the point that I felt like we haven't been able to make good memories and I felt sad about that. But I would have expected him to write something at least, even saying we would be able to. But nothing. I genuinely think he's forgotten about it.

Bunkbedpeople At last!!! Puh- raise the lawd!!

ruralbliss That's interesting. Trying to remember which of my recent irons have been question- askers now. Mr Shipwreck definitely wasn't (easy, in retrospect, to realise he was pretty self obsessed). The others have all seemed pretty enthused and impressed by what I get up to- can't remember specifically how many questions they ask, or whether | just tell them regardless .

For me, I'm wondering whether the tendency to tell someone what they should be doing is a red flag....? Mr Sparky and Mr Double Decker both have seemed to have the tendency to suggest major projects and modifications in my life from the off. Within 5 minutes of being in my studio the other day, Mr Double Decker had tidied it up and created loads more space.

They've also both had the random present giving gene- Mr Sparky turned up to a pub meal with me with a garden hose, for some irrigation project he'd decided I build on my allotment. I'd just got rid of a fucking garden hose .

Mr DD gave me a stainless steel saucepan the other day, because he was worried about my aluminium ones giving me Alzheimer's (they won't. I Googled it. It's a nice saucepan, though).

And is this mitigated by my unrivalled ability to say "No I won't. I'm doing it my way. Piss off."??

How do you all cope with the ‘is the other person on a date right now’ thing? Obv it’s fine and I’ve been chatting to other people on the app (mainly because I want to follow the ‘not putting all eggs in one basket thing rather than I actually want to)

@Ruralbliss and @crackofdoom very interesting indeed. I like the idea of this log of red flags for retrospective looking over

LLL I'm quite good at blanking it all out, TBH. Out of inbox, out of mind. As it were.....

@eesha I think a time limit sounds good or maybe....Once we are all over the hump with covid and some kind of normality can resume see how it is then. It does kind of concern me as a PP said that you're making quite a few concessions around your own feelings to compensate for his distance/forgetfulness etc? Id also be wary of labelling these qualities as a trait of autism. Maybe they are and maybe they aren't. To me its sort of irrelevant why he doesnt acknowledge that you've told him how you feel as long as its not malicious, none of us can really know why someone does something. The net effect on ourselves remains and its still worthwhile asking if thats what you want.

Hope you have a good time with MrC @Bunkbedpeople it's been such a long time coming.

@Bunkbedpeople genuinely excited for you!

And is this mitigated by my unrivalled ability to say "No I won't. I'm doing it my way. Piss off."??

I cannot stand being told what to do (I am also autistic and I have strong passive demand avoidance). Guy I met from POF in the summer and am still friends with got a flea in his ear when I told him I was having cake and he said "don't eat too much". Twat. (Claimed he said it because it's not good for your heart and don't I like having someone who cares about me?)
And the third time he told me off for swearing he got told if he couldn't tolerate me swearing then we weren't going to get on, if he could tolerate it then he didn't need to keep commenting on it. He's not done since.

My most recent ex was always trying to clean and tidy my house. The more he did it, the more cross I got and the less I did it myself because I just felt judged.

Right, am back for advice. 5th date with my iron - we’re seeing each other about once a week at the moment, texting is sporadic but I’m beginning to think that’s just his style and not worrying too much about that (well, trying not to, you know how it is!) and tonight’s date out went really well. We had a lot of fun, chatted loads, ate lovely food in a nice little restaurant and had a couple of drinks. The thing is, he’s still made no attempt to kiss me or even come anywhere near me. I’m a bit shy so I’m probably not helping matters, plus obviously COVID isn’t an ideal background situation, but am I being friend-zoned do you think? I just don’t know if he’s interested in me or not. I like him but I want a relationship, not another friend.

@Givemeabreakpls could you ask him straight out? It sounds promising though if so many dates. Covid isn't helping so perhaps he doesn't know where your boundaries are.

@Bunkbedpeople I'm rooting for you and Mr C, have loads of fun!

@crackofdoom you always seem to have it sorted and clearly your strong views are just prompting these men to want to be part of your life by helping! It can't hurt though, I think it's lovely.

@LongtimelurkerL I suppose you could think even if the other person is on a date, they can't do much anyway with current restrictions. Is this someone you like a lot? I personally only met one at a time because I hated the idea of multidating, so I made that clear very early on.

@supercali77 I've noticed with my iron that I need to spell things out, be it on the phone or in person. So I could have said how I felt on the phone and he would have responded well but texting that I was feeling sad about it and hoping he gets the underlying message doesn't work. The message is read, then falls to the bottom of a heap then gets forgotten as his work takes over. He's not one to play games or cheat etc, but he definitely has his quirks. I really need to decide whether I can live with that or whether I need to date someone more neurotypical but who might not necessarily float my boat as much (or more even!) so to speak. I think I need to see how Xmas goes and when restrictions are lifted. I'm guilty of always putting others first and then feeling resentful or disappointed so I want to be more upfront here if it's not doing it for me. I also think he has a lot of his own issues with a abusive father and his own autistic tendencies taking over and I wonder whether I'm cut out for this type of situation. He never relies on me but I'm aware these types of scenarios require a lot of counselling etc to make peace with. A friend who specialises in autism etc told me that it's funny how the one thing I would probably need is emotional support but that's the one thing he can't really give me easily.

I finally told my ex FWB that I was dating someone. I could tell he was flirting more so needed to nip it in the bud but I guess I wanted to see how things were going with Mr Yoga first before drawing a line under everyone else. He was lovely but then proceeded to tell me how much he had always been in love with me. We definitely had a great time together and he changed my life by giving me so much more confidence but it only really worked because I knew we couldn't be a couple ever. He always had mental health issues so I suspect this professing of love is a bit of a reactive cry for help after I said I have met someone else. I'm still there for him though.

Morning all - checking back into the thread. I've got a heinous amount of stuff going on at the moment... quick recap is that I'm supposed to be flying to Tenerife on Wednesday with my iron (met mid October, made random decision to go in November, postponed due to lockdown etc). All has been going very well with periodic freak outs by me, but we've largely been observing lockdown rules and meeting every fortnight to spend the day wandering around outside (with one notable exception, ahem, sorrynotsorry etc).

It's been really interesting for me because so far he seems to be really very normal and boundaried in the right ways. @Ruralbliss interesting your comment about asking questions because I think this is a delicate balance and I've been struggling with the fact MrR is not AS good at this as I'm 'used to'... but then, I'm also 'used to' dysfunctional toxic nightmares so........... It can be a red flag for someone to be too interested, and I've been pondering - WHY hasn't he asked me more about my family, about my ex husband, about previous relationships, etc? But I'm starting to think maybe this is normal. Maybe he doesn't really care about my past or my family background, and isn't trying to find things out so he can judge me etc? He does however ask questions about how my kids are, how I am, how was my day, etc. Hmmm...

I have no idea how things will pan out with him, obviously, but... I do think that he's more sane and well balanced than I'm used to. He doesn't pander to my tantrums, and he also doesn't panic when I have a wobble or get defensive if I question him about something.

@Givemeabreakpls - after five dates I would be wanting to know too! If contact hasn't waned I'd think maybe he's just shy - but let's face it you're probably not just after someone to have dinner with... can you say something by text along the lines of 'I have to confess I was rather hoping you'd swoop in for a kiss this time' or something.... I tend to dress it up in a slightly jokey way but I think you do have the right to know if there is some physical attraction there!

@Bunkbedpeople another one rooting for you - hope all is good!

@Eesha your situation resonates with me, I find it very very difficult to assert my needs adequately, particularly in situations like that where there is no clear abuse or bad behaviour - when it's more of an incompatibility in communication styles or whatever it's hard to say 'this is not bringing me the general sense of fulfilment I know is possible when it's right'. I have always worried I can be tend to think of myself as quite a needy person, but it's been interesting with MrR in that he has his own busy life and we are not seeing much of each other, but there is a consistency and quantity/quality of contact that has meant my neediness is dialled right down. I'm now wondering if the problem I've always had is a degree of ambivalence/emotional unavailability which then causes me to live with a permanent sense of slight unease or cycling in between feeling secure and insecure. Hmm..

(I mean that the other person is ambivalent or emotionally unavailable which causes me....)

@Eesha yeah its plausible that when you can see each other more these kinds of things may be less of a problem, specifically the text thing. it sounds like you have your head screwed on.

Fir the record the nit asking Qs is my red flag I personally will not tolerate. Everyone else gets to choose their own.

I had a first phone date last night with a guy who on paper & texts seemed nice enough. He asked Qs but then part way through my answer would interrupt with a (boring) anecdote of his own that my answer had triggered. I was done within the first 10 mins but still mattered on for another 80. Ffs.

I need to learn how to worry less about other (random strangers off of the internet) feelings and put my own first.

Have fun @Bunkbedpeople!!

Thanks @Eesha - this is Mr Long Walk - we've only had two dates, no kissing or anything but both long, full of chat and laughter and mutual texting in between. Who knows...! I'm the same, as much as I try to do multi-dating to try to avoid the eggs in one basket thing I'm not very good at it because i'm always going to have a preference for one guy over another. So whilst i'm trying to keep chatting to others on the apps i'm not doing very well at it. How do you tell them you're only dating them?

@Givemeabreakpls yes def after 5 dates - i'm hoping I def get a kiss on this 3rd date otherwise I might resort to a jokey line too...thanks @freelancedolly

Thanks all, yeah I’m thinking if it was going to happen it would have done so by now. I can’t afford to keep going out on dates (petrol, parking, coffee, train tickets, dinner etc) just to make a new friend

@LongtimelurkerL i just tend to be honest and say I like to see how things go with one person. I think it's fine when initially chatting but if I met someone I liked, I would say I'm seeing how things go with them. Luckily my dates have felt the same.

@freelancedolly it's a strange one with communication styles as I prefer very regular chat to remind me I'm on their mind. Mr Yoga used to send me how are you message in the evening before bed but even that could be every few days. My best friend says it probably means he isn't into me whereas she has always been in very love bomby relationships and the men have messaged her all day long every day. What I try and do is see how things are in person and I'm starting to communicate what I like in person too. Mr Yoga couldn't fathom how I thought he didn't make enough effort, he's a busy soul too and he said he has seen me every weekend since we met so how could I think he didn't make enough effort!

I can't imagine how you are going on hols so soon after meeting but it sounds extremely exciting!!

Ooh @Bunkbedpeople - so excited for you. Hope you have an amazing time tonight!!!

@Ruralbliss same red flag for me. I knew every fucking nuance of Mr Beard’s life (apart from the bits where he had been a shit) and lived all his emotional ups and downs with him and after the 3rd date he barely even asked me how I was let alone showed any curiosity about me. Same with Mr Maniac. Mr Local is also uncurious but then that’s a whole different set up and I’m not that interested in his life either. But for a proper relationship them having some interest in you is essential.

Mr Ginger just phoned me to see if we could meet this weekend but of course his fucking ex is at his house and my daughter is home (her friends are staying) so I said to forget it and he immediately offered to pay for a hotel. I’ve said ok to that but added that this really isn’t sustainable and he said it worries him when I talk like that and he promises to sort something out. He can’t though, and I’m right. It won’t sort. I think I’ll carry on for now but also continue to look for someone who is free to be with me and has his own space. I’ve told him honestly that I like him but am not thinking beyond the next week because I’m not convinced I can handle his living arrangements long term. It’s a shame cos I like him, but I’m trying to see the situation for what it is and not what I’d like it to be...

@Givemeabreakpls I’d definitely be expecting a snog after 5 dates! Can you make a reference to it after a date, like “it’s a shame I couldn’t kiss you because of Covid - are you worried about that?” And maybe open the conversation that way? It may be he is thinking the same as you but is reluctant to say it?

Anyway- have a fun Thursday all! (Especially you @bunkbedpeople) !!! 😉

Exactly @UtterSocks! Exactly...

I even said this to mad, sad, bad ex iron of Feb-July 'I could sit an exam on your life and pass with distinction. You know literally nothing about me...: He saw it differently. Thought we'd both exchanged info but we had not.

And don't even get me started on MrVW who was clearly only ever after a no-strings physical thing whilst I was looking for a perma-bloke. So as long as he fancied me that was all the info he required.

Wish I'd not met him. Or was he the one that finally brought me to my senses....?

Hang on re Mr Ginger if your daughter not always home and his ex not permanently in his home it could have legs no?
What's the blocker with his ex slinging her hook elsewhere?

Hotel sounds heavenly as a winter warmer but agree not a permanent solution as you just want to hang out in a home setting.

@Bunkbedpeople have fun tonight

Ah I don’t know @Ruralbliss - it’s been 6 weeks. Who knows what has legs and what doesn’t? I am starting to really like him, yeah. But in a measured way, not the head over heels and sick with anxiety feeling I had with Mr Beard. But his ex is a freeloading sort who hasn’t worked in 14 years and doesn’t even drive, has never paid for the roof over her head and seems to have a permanent sense of entitlement. So she’s not going anywhere 🤷‍♀️

Thing is, three years ago I was trapped where he is now. Kids same age and everything. If my ex hadn’t inherited a flat off his mum I still would be. So I know how it goes. And I’m not up for it. It’s a shame but there it is. I hit rock bottom a few times in 2020. I’m not going into 2021 being unrealistic...

And yeh, Mr VW, Mr Beard - maybe they were the catalysts that brought us to our senses (actually I had a couple more false starts after him, but eventually!) And in a year’s time they will still be selfish arseholes, but we will be on to something better!