Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Notcoolmum i guess I just feel with all this lockdown stuff, the relationship is stalling and not progressing. He's keen to continue but I guess my insecurities are arising.

@Newuser991 the vibe I get from you is that you feel this man is about as good as you are going to get. Weirdly I met 3 alcoholics via online dating, loads of issues in fact. Everyone does have problems but I would be thinking there can be better out there for you if this is unsatisfying.

@Bunkbedpeople I agree with you on the working from home stuff. Last lockdown I was literally befriending dogs in the street and talking to the newsagent for hours! AND I don't even live alone I had my 2 teenage kids with me. I just like social contact

And yeh @Eesha I have also met a lot of men with issues on the dating apps - which is why I go for volume. I follow a hilarious account on Instagram and today the post was "Online dating is basically sifting though shit until you find one that looks half normal, followed by a series of questions to find out how bad their mental issues are. Once you graduate through this you go on a date (aka a meet to work out what they lied about to get you there)". Bleak, but not wide of the mark in a lot of cases ...

Thanks for the new thread dancer.

I'm not feeling it either. Barely bothering to swipe these days. When I do it just depresses me. Friends and wine for now. And you lot.

Thanks for the thread @Dancerinthemoonlight!

@Eesha I hear you re. the cold winter walks being intimacy killers. I'm meant to be meeting MrR this Sunday and he's wobbling and hinting at wanting to come to mine instead. I've told him it's up to him - he has his mother living with him after falling ill during Covid. We last saw each other two weekends ago and had an afternoon walking/talking but did drive around together. It's all so hard. I have to say I think this lockdown is making everyone feel pretty bleak with the only 'positive' being the imminent vaccine which seems more hopeful than previously anticipated.

@LongtimelurkerL

don’t think you or anyone can know this at this stage what he thinks - personally I’d text him with a quick icebreaker?

Not a cheesy chat-up line, just be straight like:

“Hi X it’s Y. Was good chatting to you on Tinder! Hope you’re well, how’s your lockdown social life looking before Xmas? ”

Try and get into “talking about meeting” rather than just endless general chat?

I wouldn’t get too caught up in long message exchanges about work (unless you think it might be useful to you).

I don’t think what happened or didn’t happen at school is really relevant (unless there were any massive social red flags for you - he might not even remember)

Thanks for the great advice @Bunkbedpeople - we’ve done some texting today but yeah asking about post lockdown (potentially) is a good idea. Just not sure why he’s chatting to me I guess. Wasn’t tinder (I’m on there!) but a slightly more ‘supposedly relationshipy based app’ - we’ll see. Maybe he’s just bored

Thanks for the new thread. I’ve been chatting to someone for a couple of weeks now. She’s not divorced yet but I think bern separated for 2 years. However it sounds like there’s a lot of conflict so now I’m wondering whether to just let it drop... plus lives quite far away.

@Newuser991 happy to give a male perspective on your profile, whether that counts for anything useful I’m not sure.

@LongtimelurkerL

It is tough working things out - I think starting from your feelings is the only safe option really?

everyone has different comfort levels, but I learned for me personally and my mental health I’m not really good at longer “vague” interactions which aren’t going anywhere, as I just feel let down if they don’t want to meet!

I’m quite a wordy intellectual person so in my lonely periods I’m quite vulnerable to over investing in long message exchanges.

There’s a dating coach called Evan Marc Katz and whilst he’s quite American and aiming at marriage, one good piece of advice he gives is to try to “eliminate” sooner with dating - every woman attracts flakes, it’s a case of filtering them out.

So I’ve preferred to bring up meeting ASAP, if they don’t take me up or aren’t enthusiastic then I assume (for whatever reason) they aren’t available and move to others (or the “hookup guys” will try to change coffee to coming round to mine - but better to find out sooner!)

Plus I think it’s easier to learn about how someone is when organising a real-life physical meet than just exchanging chat or ideas - text is cheap?

The experience of organising the first meet shows how it is actually dating them.

If someone is flaky or unenthusiastic or last minute then they’re probably going to be like that down the line.

One guy I matched with messaged first, I mentioned I was in his area for my staycation, said “let me know if you fancy a drink” and I got back “yeah, maybe if I’m not busy” .

So that was a “no” from me even if his profile was attractive as I knew I wouldn’t want to be chasing him.

When I was in my 20’s I’d have planned on meeting him, brought nice clothes to wear “just in case”, messaged him at the last minute trying to “sound casual” not to put him off ....

@UtterSocks that does seem to be a very accurate description of online dating!

@Newuser991 there will be lots of decent guys looking to meet someone like you. It can be very demoralising though when it's not working, especially at the moment when we're all stuck inside, and the weather is so glum.

You're not the only one who doesn't feel like they can talk to anyone. I live alone, wfh and haven't even left my home since Sunday! Keeping in touch with friends via WhatsApp isn't quite the same, and I don't feel I can talk about my dating woes with my sister or Mum as I have done previously, as I'd just get "you're not meant to be meeting anyone at the moment" as a response. This forum is really great though, and people are so friendly and helpful.

As a few people have mentioned, you need to look at what he does, not says. If there's a disconnect then that's a big red flag. From my own experience, dating people who suffer from depression can be very hard.

I think the question you need to ask is whether this relationship makes you happy, or whether you're just afraid of being alone. It's hard to walk away, but it's better to be happy alone, than unhappy with someone.

Great advice @TheCatWithTheHat.

@Bunkbedpeople I'm similar to you and need that enthusiasm early on otherwise I know I won't be satisfied. The long interractions used to hook me in and then I'd be disappointed in real life so I avoid those now.

November seems to have turned freezing and now I feel like hibernating though meant to be seeing Mr Yoga tmw....@freelancedolly, hope you get to see your iron this weekend somehow.

@DudefromThatLondon what kind of conflict is your iron facing? And why only separated?

@Bunkbedpeople I'm like that too and left to my own devices love wordy message exchanges so can get totally over-invested. For me it has to click in chat almost straight away, and if there's a 'connection' we will move to WhatsApp pretty quickly and arrange to meet from there - preferably within a week. I think if men are keen it's clear they're keen and there's nothing to doubt or second guess about it.

Question for the thread - and following on from @DudefromThatLondon's pondering about divorce/separation - MrR separated in January and is mid way through divorce. It sounds like it was a brutal ending - no warning, she announced one day she wanted divorce and asked him to leave that evening (which he did, thinking it would be temporary). He has had no real answers or closure but is quite pragmatic and has initiated divorce proceedings. We don't talk about it much because he is what I would call 'boundaried in a healthy way' (something quite new to me ) and recognises that we don't know each other well enough to be laying that sort of stuff down. There's no real conflict there between them, but I can tell he is not through the grieving process. I don't think it's a case of still being in love, more a slight bewilderment that this has happened.

He has suggested we spend Christmas Day together (or part of it, staying over Christmas Eve but with him spending a few hours visiting his kids) and I've agreed but part of me is feeling a bit as this will be his first one separated and I can imagine he'll be feeling a bit weird. I don't have my kids on Christmas Day so would be on my own otherwise (which I'd be fine with too but obviously this is better!). Any thoughts anyone?

@DudefromThatLondon thanks I don't have a profile right now. Deleted them all because I told that guy off for being on tinder so pot kettle black.

I dont really write a profile. I cant be bothered. No one reads them anyway and I have so often put: dont contact me if you're looking for casual only to have so many men ask me for sex so it is pointless.

It would just be photos you would be critiquing

@freelancedolly

I’d personally take it at face value if you can - enjoy spending time together, like you say if he seems boundaried and isn’t going to spend the day stressing just reflect his behaviour back at him?

He seems content, be content, I wouldn’t try to emotionally counsel him (even if I was overthinking like mad ) . Post on here if you need to get stuff out.

enjoy it as you would a normal home date, depending on what your previous dates are like I wouldn’t try to overfunction or “provide him with a perfect replacement xmas” just keep it low key.

Personally I reckon a lot of men (especially in pressurised jobs) would LOVE the idea of a low hassle Xmas just with someone they’re dating

so maybe don’t over organise or make him a home cooked six course menu or get him fifty presents - just your company and chill out time should be enough, you could even get a posh takeaway if that’s your style

@Bunkbedpeople totally agree, 70% of my dates or chats were no gos. A line I heard and liked was if you're sincerely looking for a relationship and you have good standards and boundaries then unless you're lucky you'll spend a lot of time alone before you meet the right person.

I heartily recommend breaks from OLD, the last break I took of 7ish months - I came out of it happy with the idea I might never meet the right person which is half the battle. I became a very swift 'next'er. If it costs you your peace the price is too high etc

@Newuser991 photos are definitely important. But I think a (shirt) bio counts too. Those that don't read them aren't the ones you are interested in so it's a useful sifting tool. I go for something very short that says something about how I see myself. But doesn't give too much away. I almost didn't click on Mr B because his bio was clearly rushed and crap.

Something like 'Chardonnay. Coffee. Karaoke'. Says something and provides a hook for a conversation. (I don't like any of those btw!).

And it's a huge NO to me on a directive or negative bio. So 'no hook ups' or a 'sick of time wasters' would put me off. But a 'looking for long term and good conversation' wouldn't.

Short not shirt!! Mr B replied back to me on my likes in my bio with his own - for me it was a great way to see he'd read my bio so I wasn't getting the generic 'hey sexy' and he made me laugh too. Bingo!!

Oh it wasn't put in those terms.

What I had said was I am looking to date and have a relationship so if that is not what you are looking for please pass me by.

I'm slightly older than you @Newuser991 and didn't really like Tinder. I've found Hinge to be much better - easily the best of the apps I've used. If/when you do feel ready to try again, then maybe give a different app a go?

I've got a date lined up for Saturday with Miss Walker, and we've been messaging several times a day for the last week and a bit. Really long, detailed, interesting messages and very equal too - it's almost scary how much we have in common. For the first time in a long time I'm excited and a bit nervous about meeting someone.

Good luck on your date @TheCatWithTheHat Remember rules 3 and 4!!

@TheCatWithTheHat

I'm slightly older than you *@Newuser991* and didn't really like Tinder. I've found Hinge to be much better - easily the best of the apps I've used. If/when you do feel ready to try again, then maybe give a different app a go?

I've got a date lined up for Saturday with Miss Walker, and we've been messaging several times a day for the last week and a bit. Really long, detailed, interesting messages and very equal too - it's almost scary how much we have in common. For the first time in a long time I'm excited and a bit nervous about meeting someone.

That sounds amazing.

I am quite cerebral and do get drawn in by words and messages and shared interests in this way.

I hope it goes well 🙏

Agree with everything everyone is saying, really we stay in things far too long when there's not enough interest from their side!

I have a date tomorrow...quite nervous actually. We haven't spoke much, I think I'm just nervous about meeting anyone else and I feel much better going for a drink than a walk in the rain! 😁

Definitely write a bio @Newuser991 I'm very leery of profiles with no bios. Maybe it will preempt some of the crapper opportunistic conversations you have to deal with.

Thanks for the new thread Dancerinthemoonlight

All good in my world, reached 14 months with Mr K this week.
Had a bit of a crap few weeks as I've been poorly and either too ill to meet or too ill to actually have decent sex and our relationship was founded on great sex so I was a bit worried but i saw him last night, now I'm 99% better, and had a great time.
I brought up the lack of meeting and/or sex, we both acknowledged it was a meh period and obviously both glad I'm better but its nice to know that our relationship is really more than sex now.

Quick recap for those not in the know - met Mr K on Fabswingers just for casual sex and were FWB for ages while pretending it was nothing more and in June we became exclusive (and boyfriend/girlfriend). Had both been exclusive since December anyway but just not spoken about it.

No plans to live together or share finances ever.
Just enjoying the relationship, we see each other 3 or 4 times a week. Its just so easy with him and no drama, worry, head messing or anything- I'm not used to a sane guy with his life together so its a huge revelation.

Good luck to everyone dating through lockdown and winter.

Remember you are the prize and you should never settle for less than you deserve💕💕

@Newuser991 - Agree with writing a bio. Just a couple of sentences is enough, maybe about your interests and something which takes the piss a bit. If your interests are quite cerebral might act as a filter.

@Eesha - iron has financial and childcare issues to be settled in court (at some point soon). Her ex sounds like a bit of a narcissist, he’s deliberately unemployed so doesn’t have to pay maintenance. It’s a tough situation. Tbf they separated quite a while ago. I suppose after my last car crash relationship I’d prefer someone who is reasonably settled and is emotionally available.

@TheCatWithTheHat - good luck tomorrow. Watch out for those cow pats!

@Notcoolmum I totally agree re. short bio AND that someone putting negatives in their bio is an absolute turn off - I never ever click 'yes' to someone stating strongly what they don't want as it makes them sound angry or ranty. @Newuser991 I think it gives people swiping left (or whatever) something to comment on in their first message other than 'hello gorgeous' or by commenting on something in one of your photos. It also indicates that that person has read your bio and isn't just sending the same message to everyone. Each person I've had successful meets with from Tinder has started off with an interesting 'reflection' on something in my bio that has made me laugh or piqued my interest in them. I don't think I very often ever respond to someone who just gives a variation on the 'hello gorgeous what brings you here?' theme...

@Bunkbedpeople thanks for the thoughts - I agree... I think what sparked my slight anxiety about it is that I'm very aware that I am different in some key ways to his wife, from what he has told me about their separation etc - i.e. she wouldn't/couldn't communicate, was a closed book, etc - illustrated by the sudden and 'out of the blue' ending. I don't want to be his 'not wife'; a rebound, or whatever. He has had a few short 'things' between her and me, and really is quite good at communicating and seems excited about the potential between us if things work out, so I don't feel insecure about us. Ref Christmas Day - yes, I think that's exactly the course I'd take - I think we'll book lunch out somewhere and I'll try to restrain myself from any OTT nonsense