Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@crackofdoom i guess it's more likely he's looking for casual sex on FAB and a 'real' gf on Bumble. I think this is probably very common.

Had my final date of my good run of matches on Hinge earlier today. Went all the way across London to meet someone, and within minutes just got the vibe that she wasn't into me. We had a coffee, and after about 30 minutes she started making excuses for having to leave early.

That's probably the first date I've had that's lasted less time than it took to get there

I messaged her afterwards and said that I got the impression she wasn't keen to meet again, and asked if she wouldn't mind giving me some feedback. Her reply was quite interesting - she said it was my appearance, and she's used to guys dressing up. I was in jeans, wool jumper and trainers (clean!) plus a big warm coat, as I was expecting us to go for a wander and it's freezing today.

I've managed to get a couple of fashion tips from her, so will do a little shopping later this month to smarten up my "winter casual" wardrobe. I certainly wasn't scruffy, but it just goes to remind me how important first impressions are, and that some people have different expectations for a casual coffee and walk date.

I think it's also the kick I need to start getting myself back into shape again, and lose the stone or so I've put on during Covid...

I guess red flags are more informative than green flags when you don't know someone. In dating people might fake green flags but you would think never would fake red flags. Red flags tend to be deal breakers on their own, not sure the opposite is true for green flags.

@TheCatWithTheHat sounds like a very standard ‘man’ outfit. Can’t say a mans clothes (if not dirty gross) have ever put me off. More about personality.
I’m in a weird place between second and third date where I really like this guy but haven’t had a kiss. He’s been back on the apps - fine with that Obv - not sure what my next move is? Should there be a kiss on a third date (haven’t had one yet?) argh

I was in jeans, wool jumper and trainers (clean!) plus a big warm coat, as I was expecting us to go for a wander

Whilst there are jumpers and jumpers.....this sounds perfectly normal.

A decent wooly, single colour, round neck jumper is fine. What did she suggest you might have worn?

It can't hurt to lose the extra weight and smarten up a bit I suppose, but I highly doubt this is why she wasn't into you. Try Next for reasonable menswear.

The kissing thing is odd, we're still supposed to be "socially distant" from non household members.

I don't feel like snogging any random people, I'd need to fully understand their Covid practises first!

(Have name changed).
The green flags are a good point!
I had a coffee date planned this weekend, he seems very nice. Although we only matched a week ago, chatted online and then whatsapp and had a phonecall. We've continued with WhatsApp but he wants to talk on the phone/videocall most evenings. I prefer to just meet and see then as it's only a week since matching and one phonecall already.
He seems keen which is nice but maybe too keen? He's also suggested making dinner which of course I'm not going to whether his house or camper van!
This could be a possible red flag? Trying to push too much for more on a 1st date but then I think he could just be keen and trying to make an effort in a restrictive time. Or just wanting sex.

He's also suggested making dinner which of course I'm not going to

I don't know if it's a red flag, lovebombing, pushing for sex or just keen - but this would not be a person I was able to take seriously, because I think you need to take one step at a time and not try and force commitment from people this early on.

@crackofdoom i guess it's more likely he's looking for casual sex on FAB and a 'real' gf on Bumble. I think this is probably very common

Well, to be fair it's precisely what I've been doing . He had the "casual" box checked, though. I was going to offer to help him ritz up his photos and bio!.

I have to say, this last foray into Bumble has fallen a bit flat. Of my several matches, 2 responded to my messages, and one has just deleted his account! The other one has gone a bit monosyllabic, don't know if I can be bothered...

I've snoozed my account for 72 hours, will wake it up and do nothing for 24 hours, then try swiping again.

How has anybody found Hinge or Facebook dating recently?

I've just paused or deleted my profiles everywhere. I'm tired of monosyllabic replies, deletey flakiness and bitter, miserable men. Complete break, not enjoying any of it, going to recharge over Christmas... somehow... without meeting up with friends...:-(

cat sounds like you were dressed perfectly appropriately for a Covid date but carrying a bit of extra weight can make a difference sometimes. I reckon I've gone up a dress size in lockdown.

So after reading about @lovellost saying their date mentioned his ex a bit, I had Mr Yoga referring to himself as being married even though they weren't. I mentioned this and he replied how to all intensive purposes, they were, that she wasn't just a gf or a long term partner, that she was his chosen life partner. I have to say that really stung, and I made my excuses and cut the call short. I feel like I was so happy and positive and actually now why was I even bothering?

@Eesha

So after reading about *@lovellost* saying their date mentioned his ex a bit, I had Mr Yoga referring to himself as being married even though they weren't. I mentioned this and he replied how to all intensive purposes, they were, that she wasn't just a gf or a long term partner, that she was his chosen life partner. I have to say that really stung, and I made my excuses and cut the call short. I feel like I was so happy and positive and actually now why was I even bothering?

That's what I mean . It's like they are still holding on to that past life whilst trying to hold onto us and it doesn't feel very nice . Sorry I don't have any advice but it does hurt . I am just hoping they are not stringing us along . You should have asked him what he thinks you are to him , that will probably give you the answer . I want to knock this on the head before I get too deep . Do you think it's too soon to ask on a second date? I am aware yours a little further than the second date

@crackofdoom I am on Facebook dating and some days it's very quiet and other days it's busy but overall the same as every other site, same boring monosyllabic introductory first chat . I had a guy recently congratulate me for liking coronation street, i didn't know whether to 😂 or 😭 . I am giving myself till the end of the year then taking a break .

@lovellost it's been 5 months for me and I'm completely smitten with him. But he just isn't as forward as me I guess so I feel anxious at times because I only know how strongly I feel. The two exes he had were from the same parts of the world too so it's the language and culture and all the memories whereas I met him during lockdown so we have never even had a meal out. I guess sometimes I feel like walking away. My ex was pretty infatuated with me so even though it became abusive later on, I always felt wanted etc.

If I were you, I'd wait to see if he was keen for a second date, then suss it out a bit. Watch for more flags as yours might not be aware he is doing it.

lovelost I was seeing someone for 6 months who referred to his ex as his "wife". Although he stopped when I asked him to, it wasn't a good sign. He'd talk about her all the time and wasn't really over her.

eesha I think it's slightly different in your case, as it seems Mr Yoga has just mentioned this once in a 5 month relationship?

@crackofdoom yes, he hasn't really mentioned it but I know it hurt him a lot as she cheated plus tried to take a lot of money. I guess I want to feel important rather than a filler. I'm always really excitable and happy but I felt hurt that we have little or no fun memories whereas he has done so much with others.

[quote Eesha]@lovellost it's been 5 months for me and I'm completely smitten with him. But he just isn't as forward as me I guess so I feel anxious at times because I only know how strongly I feel. The two exes he had were from the same parts of the world too so it's the language and culture and all the memories whereas I met him during lockdown so we have never even had a meal out. I guess sometimes I feel like walking away. My ex was pretty infatuated with me so even though it became abusive later on, I always felt wanted etc.

If I were you, I'd wait to see if he was keen for a second date, then suss it out a bit. Watch for more flags as yours might not be aware he is doing it.[/quote]
He only mentioned her when we were talking about our past but it's the fact that he refers to her as his wife after 3 years that made me . Otherwise he said he's keen and willing to work around me for dates ( I have a dc and he doesn't) but he isn't really a texter . We matched couple of weeks ago and after we established that we wanted the same thing we didn't really chat until we met on Monday which meant we had a lot to talk about but since then nothing. Like you @Eesha I am used to a lot of messages/phone calls etc so it is a really hard adjustment but I am trying not to let it put me off . We are meeting up on Thursday again so I will see how it goes. No bedroom talk from him of any kind YET which makes me think he must serious but with men you never know I guess . But my spider senses are on high alert ready to spot red flags 🚩

@crackofdoom

lovelost I was seeing someone for 6 months who referred to his ex as his "wife". Although he stopped when I asked him to, it wasn't a good sign. He'd talk about her all the time and wasn't really over her.

eesha I think it's slightly different in your case, as it seems Mr Yoga has just mentioned this once in a 5 month relationship?

That's my fear too . That he really isn't over her .

@Eesha, I think it's easy to feel like things are not quite as they should be with our irons but that's because LIFE isn't as it should be. And you and Mr Yoga are up against it because you are struggling to find ways to even see each other with him essentially bubbling with his parents. Is he good at reassuring you when you are feeling a bit cut off from him ? I think things will look very different in the new year if we can get out of some of the restrictions and the vaccine is proving effective. I'm not sure many of us have got this sussed at the moment and are bumbling through as best we can.

@lovellost, have you established if he's had any other serious /semi serious RS since he and his wife parted ? It may just be that he's in the habit of referring to her as his wife with family and friends in conversation and not really had the need to 'replace' the terminology that he uses to reference her. Was it just the use of ' wife' or did you pick up any other vibes from him that she was at the forefront of his mind still ? Are they still in contact or was that not established? I would see what Thursday brings. You barely know him as yet, other things that he says or does may yet sway you one way or another.

@Onesmallstep67 hes someone who can't really deal with anything further than one day at a time so lock down etc has really impacted him. I feel I'm the one being bubbly and positive all the time because I'm so into him and I'm so happy with him. Him talking about previous great xmas' plus the life partner correction comment hit a nerve because I'm great too but that I don't feel like he says that enough. I feel like I'm part of the furniture whereas 'they' were 'special' and he saw a future with them. I texted him later to explain why I rushed off, that I was sad that we haven't had the chance to make any real memories.

It can be stinging @Eesha when someone is a bit thoughtless and says something about a previous partner or happy memories that they have. You have every right to be hurt or put out. I think it's clear his manner and the way he deals with things is unlikely to change. If he's on the spectrum those aspects of his personality are going to always be there. Do you think he understands your hurt or issue with what he was saying? He may have been stating something factually in his head, that he had seen a future with his ex etc. You clearly like him very much but is he giving you what you need? You're being honest with him so that's good. There must be lots of good points about him for you to be so smitten.

[quote Onesmallstep67]@lovellost, have you established if he's had any other serious /semi serious RS since he and his wife parted ? It may just be that he's in the habit of referring to her as his wife with family and friends in conversation and not really had the need to 'replace' the terminology that he uses to reference her. Was it just the use of ' wife' or did you pick up any other vibes from him that she was at the forefront of his mind still ? Are they still in contact or was that not established? I would see what Thursday brings. You barely know him as yet, other things that he says or does may yet sway you one way or another.[/quote]
He's had one relationship since in the 3years when he went on holiday , he didn't really go into details but I am guessing it was a brief one . He really only mentioned her when talking about his past personal life . He's not in touch with her and doesn't know where she is.

@Onesmallstep67 i think you've hit the nail on the head with him just stating a fact in his head. He wasn't speaking wistfully but I guess I took it at a slight against me/us. I do need to think more about whether this is a suitable relationship for me because I would want to know that someone really does want me and I don't think I'm going to get that from him given his personality. I'll always feel a bit like a filler rather than anything more.