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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

999 replies

Dancerinthemoonlight · 19/11/2020 12:27

The Rules:

  1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
  2. Develop a thick skin.
  3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
  4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
  5. Trust your gut instinct.
  6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
  7. Know your worth.
  8. If it's not fun, stop.
  9. Loo update is mandatory.
10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

OP posts:
Thread gallery
9
Clovertoast · 06/12/2020 23:51

I never played any games with Mr P.
In fact I reckon ive done all the things you arent supposed to.
I've been keen, told him how I feel, put myself out for him, text him first if i feel like it, always reply etc.
Were 11 months in now.
I feel lucky

supercali77 · 07/12/2020 06:18

Re strategy. It seemed to be weeding out people who were wrong for you. Actually if you go and read some of the threads (lots are just memes and dunking on men. Sorry men) there's a lot of accounts of quite young women caught in the modern dating scene and a little damaged by casual sex and the whole 'play it cool' business. Also accounts of them finding themselves in abusive or toxic situations. I suspect because its a younger crowd a lot of them probably don't have the experience to spot red flags so a strategy or guide is useful. Actually on the play it cool topic, I thought this was such a great article, found it on there medium.com/matter/against-chill-930dfb60a577

Eesha · 07/12/2020 06:44

Re: strategy. I was open from when I was with my current iron by making it clear in person and on profiles that I expected regular communication etc. I didn't want to play games and actually he called me out at the start about it all because he was very open too. We both didn't want to multi date after first meeting so no faffing about that either. I think sometimes you have to just be open and put yourself out there and if someone doesn't respond in the way you want, then move on. As my iron said, when I mentioned multi dating and hedging bets, "this is life, not a game show".....

Notcoolmum · 07/12/2020 07:56

What I took out of FDS was the need for self worth and spotting shifty behaviour. It's easy to sniff at 'game playing' but I think OLD can be a demoralising experience and particularly if you are new to dating (ie young or recently out of a long relationship/marriage) and have low self esteem. Being aware of flakey behaviour and that for some the end game is to get you into bed and not a relationship (and being able to spot some of those signs) is a positive I think. I am very guilty of feeling bonded after sex. And this inhibits my ability to make judgements.

TheCatWithTheHat · 07/12/2020 10:32

@LongtimelurkerL I seem to have patches where I match with lots of people, and end up with a few dates within a short period of time. Then it usually goes quiet again. I have a fair bit of time on my hands as I work from home, so spend a lot of time swiping and chatting. Also I like to meet quite early on, so probably don't do as much weeding out before meeting as some do on here.

As for dating rules and games - I'm a firm believer that if you meet someone who likes you, and you like them, then you don't need to play any games or follow rules. If they like you, they'll enjoy hearing from you and will message you back, and it's just easy and natural.

I think with multi-dating, there's an assumption that people I talk to are doing it, and I certainly am - I think you just know when you feel the moment is right to come off the apps, or focus on one person.

I agree with @HairyArsedMan that a lot of the advice us guys get is to not chase, but just do enough to show a woman that we're interested, but then let her chase. One of the "theories" is the kitten and string - if you keep dangling the string just out of reach, the kitten keeps trying to catch it. If you just give the string to the kitten they get bored. But then in the next article, we're told that women like a "Man's Man" and we should take charge and lead, so no wonder we're all confused and struggling!

I also read up on a lot of this stuff about 10 years ago, including the book "The Game" about these guys who call themselves Pick Up Artists, and there are all sorts of theories and techniques that these guys try. Mostly quite demeaning to women, but there are a couple of good points they make.

cravingthelook · 07/12/2020 10:50

That's interesting @TheCatWithTheHat ... any guy dangling a string for me to catch I literally get bored with instantly. I'm not a kitten. I can't be arsed with that shit. I find the analogy a bit distasteful, almost like as women we want to be teased (well we do but let's keep that for the bedroom).
Just show me what you have to offer and I can decide if that works for me and vice versa.

I'm probably too honest, I don't hide my past, if I'm annoyed with them over something I say so rather than seethe on it. If I like them I tell them. I'm 43 and cannot be arsed playing games. Games are for flirting and having a laugh and in the bedroom, not for just not dealing with your feelings or because you are too cowardly to put yourself out there fully.

As you say if it's right it will feel natural. Just chatting and responding.

But I'm still dating so maybe my style is too straight up. Maybe that's why I haven't found the right one.

I just know I like who I am and part of who I am is being honest, willing to be vulnerable and putting myself out there. When I meet my person they will love these traits ... not think I should be chasing a string in the hope of something good.

I am chatting to multiple people and will do so, if I find someone I think might be my person I'll have the chat about us being just us for a while.

LongtimelurkerL · 07/12/2020 10:55

@TheCatWithTheHat that makes sense and I guess is similar to what I have too.

I've made the executive decision to just go ahead and ask for dates/what I want - life is too short and if that puts off a guy then we're probably not going to get on #BolshyWoman

Slothmomma · 07/12/2020 11:16

Like cravingthelook if a guy plays aloof and does the string dangling thing i lose interest very quickly as just assume he's not that into me/is hedging his bets with me so I just move on to the next who is probably showing more interest. Breadcrumbing doesn't work on me

LongtimelurkerL · 07/12/2020 11:35

Yes to this @Slothmomma and @cravingthelook - i'd presume the same - don't want weird love bombing but fairly prompt responses to messages and mutual starting conversations etc indicates that the other person is interested. Surely that's the same for both men and women....

Namechanged1122 · 07/12/2020 11:36

Just popping back in. Hold my hand please! I have a date in just over an hour. So nervous I'm considering taking a Kalm. 😖

Namechanged1122 · 07/12/2020 11:39

@TheCatWithTheHat

"I also read up on a lot of this stuff about 10 years ago, including the book "The Game" about these guys who call themselves Pick Up Artists, and there are all sorts of theories and techniques that these guys try."
Ugh, these guys are absolute dickheads. What 'good points' do they make??

LongtimelurkerL · 07/12/2020 11:39

@Namechanged1122 good luck - what are you doing? A walk?

Eesha · 07/12/2020 11:45

Re: playing hard to get. A friend is getting married to an online date this year and I distinctly remember when they first started seeing each other, a key thing she said was that he actually texted her back regularly. There were no games!

Namechanged1122 · 07/12/2020 11:48

@LongtimelurkerL thanks.. a walk, yes. Thankfully it's sunny.

Eesha · 07/12/2020 11:48

I should also add that I have female friends who do the whole game thing and they meet men who do exactly the same thing.

LongtimelurkerL · 07/12/2020 11:51

@Namechanged1122 let us know how it goes and yay for sunshine

DudeFromThatLondon · 07/12/2020 12:05

Lots of these YouTube dating advisers offer paid one to one coaching. There’s probably lots of people doing the game thing which is likely (at least partly) why we’re all having so much trouble on here. There’s usually at least some sensible stuff in dating strategies with it being rolled up into a strategy being the problem. 🤷🏻‍♂️

Think being direct with people is the only sensible thing to do if you don’t have information on people, which you typically don’t in online dating.

TheCatWithTheHat · 07/12/2020 12:09

@Namechanged1122 good luck with your date!! He'll most likely be nervous too - just enjoy it :)

As for the pick up stuff. I agree - it's basically a bunch of socially inept nerds, but the thing I took from it was "be the best version of yourself". I think if you feel good, look good and have a good self esteem, you don't need to play any games.

A lot of the games are to pretend you're an "alpha" successful, confident guy with a fun and busy life who has a constant stream of women to choose from. So instead of pretending, work to be that successful, confident version of yourself; whether that's going to the gym, dressing well, taking up new hobbies etc...

Windmillwhirl · 07/12/2020 12:15

I've been keen, told him how I feel, put myself out for him, text him first if i feel like it, always reply etc.

Not sure why anyone thinks you should not do these things? This is a normal exchange between people. Always waiting for someone to text you first seems pretty lame and passive, no? And being up front about what you feel and want is mature and good communication. Why sit back and let someone else dictate everything?

DudeFromThatLondon · 07/12/2020 12:23

"I've been keen, told him how I feel, put myself out for him, text him first if i feel like it, always reply etc. Not sure why anyone thinks you should not do these things? This is a normal exchange between people"

I've definitely veered into this territory when been given the slow fade. But if it happened again I'd quickly front up and ask them what's going on. @Windmillwhirl is spot on for me.

lovellost · 07/12/2020 15:05

Is it a red flag if a date keeps calling their ex wife their wife when talking about their past relationship? I had a walk date today with an iron that I will call MrRR who kept referring to their ex wife as their wife when talking about their past relationship. Been separated for 3 years and divorced. Apart from that , he was very nice and I like him . I have agreed to see him again but wondering if I should bother , I don't want to be messed about .

LongtimelurkerL · 07/12/2020 15:13

@lovellost do they have children? Otherwise i'd think it was a bit odd after 3 years

lovellost · 07/12/2020 15:15

[quote LongtimelurkerL]@lovellost do they have children? Otherwise i'd think it was a bit odd after 3 years[/quote]
No children . That's why I found it a bit odd too . Should I swerve them then or mention it?

LongtimelurkerL · 07/12/2020 15:22

@lovellost hmm i'm not sure - any other red flags? I'd possibly go on a second date as generally unless i'm really not keen I usually would

lovellost · 07/12/2020 15:30

[quote LongtimelurkerL]@lovellost hmm i'm not sure - any other red flags? I'd possibly go on a second date as generally unless i'm really not keen I usually would[/quote]
No other red flags I can see . We want the same things and he seems very understanding. So I really don't know. That's the only thing bugging me