Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

stealth what site did you have this sudden success on?

@Clovertoast I doubt anyone can tell you what to do here because only you have met Mr P but as someone who has come from an abusive relationship myself, I would be staying well clear of anyone who had rumours of tempers etc /police being called. My ex was similar, his ex called the police on him and he explained everything away but he was just hiding the truth from me, that he had a temper indeed. I didn't believe the past stories because I'd heard the ex was feisty etc but actually I can totally see it now. Keep your wits about you here.

@Clovertoast with your history It’s not fucked up to be always on your guard. I think a red flag is blowing is the background but the fact that he apologised immediately is positive. You need to be able to have healthy robust debate with your partner so you shouldn’t be afraid to raise potentially tricky issues.
Hopefully it will never happen again and I hope he shows you that you can relax with him.

Advice!!!!! Arranging to meet the iron tomorrow I talked about for a walk. I think I'm going to bin it off. He is now saying I could invite him to my house. I've already told him I want to meet in a public place.

Should I just block??? Or explain again. HELP 🙂

This is the awkward gut feeling one. Feel a bit mean just blocking but he knows I want to meet somewhere public so surely shouldn't be inviting himself up here.

We were talking about the weather being awful and he said I could always invite him up here, that would save the weather issue.

@bangheadhere40

100% block from me, he’s pushing boundaries - he’s a stranger wanting to invite himself to your home (to push for a hookup) his feelings don’t count here.

Thanks. Just going to block, I would normally explain but not going to bother this time.

I think the correct response is to suggest rescheduling for when the weather is forecast to be better. That’s what I would do. You can’t invite yourself to someone’s place when you’re almost a complete stranger. That’s not on.

I may have been hasty but I've blocked him with no explanation. A couple of things he had said had made me question it anyway.

I had explicitly told him I wanted to meet in a public place and he was pushing it I felt.

Sounds good - I was still at the “offer polite excuses if we’ve chatted” stage even last summer

but I’ve realised now I don’t owe pushy horndog types or guys blatantly lying anything polite. Block and that’s it.

it’s amazing how as women we’re socialised into worrying about hurting men’s feelings even when they’re blatantly disrespecting ours.

@Bunkbedpeople exactly. I have always been just the same...upto this evening 😁

@Clovertoast

You are right there.

It is a major red flag that when a man behaves badly and then turns it into a sympathetic psychoanalytical study of who they are and why they did what they did.

I hope you're ok

@WeWantTheFinestWines it was a paying subscription to Match and I think I was lucky. When I was a more regular poster I know most people didn’t have luck with match.

@bangheadhere40. You’ve done the right thing. Any decent man would totally understand why you would want to meet in a public place and wouldn’t push it.

@Clovertoast - sorry to hear about your argument with Mr P. Agree with others in the sense that obviously we don't know him so only you can know how it felt, etc. But I would say (as someone who came out of an abusive marriage and also has those concerns) - I would try to take him on face value ref. all the behaviour he shows you and pay less attention to what was cited in the divorce - my ex husband called the police on me several times even though he was the abusive one. They never took any action but I still feel scarred and 'tainted' by the fact he did that. Anyone can call the police and say their partner has done x,y,z and I know other divorcing couples where one partner has repeatedly called the police as a way of maliciously causing trouble for the other. I think understandably after any argument where one party has raised their voice (for the first time), you are going to feel shaky. I hope you are able to discuss it with him and continue to raise your feelings about it. It is so hard coming out of an abusive marriage/relationship - I feel forever on my guard in terms of signs someone has that abusive temperament.

@bangheadhere40 you did the right thing there - it's good I think to be harsh with the old block function! Life is too short to be spending it on people who push boundaries so early on and are socially inept enough (to say the least) to not care or respect that you've clearly stated you wanted to meet in public. It's empowering too to just block and move on - I can't be doing with those whiny 'but whyyyyyy?' conversations or with people getting nasty.

I think it's interesting how the apps are better or worse depending on where you live - Hinge seemed best when I was in London (and friends who are still there say the same) but now I've moved out I think you just get the same people on there as on Tinder, but a smaller selection. I also am different in that I hated the little boxes and sort of being forced to think of specifically interesting little phrases and prefer Tinder where you can just format a paragraph or two to pique someone's interest.

I'm feeling smitten with Mr R and echoing @Ruralbliss from last week trying to keep something of a lid on it and not get too carried away. Date #8 tomorrow and we are being good and trying to follow lockdown rules (I have to be honest and say this is more at his instigation than mine) so meeting for a seaside walk and lunch. He told me yesterday he thought we were a 'shockingly good fit' and that I was a 'keeper' - I don't think anyone's ever said that to me before . I have wondered if we'll end up being friends because we just get on so well and make each other massively laugh. We do also fancy each other though so... hmm. Must... keep... feet... on the ground..

@Ruralbliss
Thanks for your good wishes.
I'm feeling about 95% better so hoping it wont be long before the other 5% follows.

@Clovertoast
I'm so sorry to hear that you have been upset by Mr P.

It is so hard when you have a history to decide whether what happened was reasonable or not.

Personally for me it would be a huge red flag. Who is he to tell you that you are irresponsible and to lecture you?
And then to do that in a loud voice as though the louder he is the more he is right🤬

I am passionate about all things finance because its my job but if someone asks for advice on something i dont think is a good idea i would chat with them about it and let them make their own decision even if its not what i would choose to do.

I dont like the fact he tried to go for the sympathy vote afterwards as though that makes it ok.

10 months isnt long and maybe he has been on his best behaviour until now.
Has there been any other amber or red flags?

How are you feeling today?
What do you want to do?
Whatever your decision we will support you.
If you stay together then i would be on high alert for other red or amber flags especially if contentious issues are brought up because it seems he thinks his views are right and is forceful about that.

@Ruralbliss
Forgot to say that I hope your date goes well with Mr VW and its everything you want and need😁

@SortingItOut "Whatever your decision we wil support you". What a wonderful thing to say to someone I assume you only know via this thread! This really is an amazing and supportive forum and a lifeline for many of us I'm sure. It just made me feel all warm inside when I read it. I think you've made my day 😊

@SortingItOut I agree, how lovely...it's so nice how everyone supports eachother here 🙂

@Clovertoast i'd be wary too......

What does everyone talk about on dates atm - I don't do anything because of covid

Mix it up really?

Open questions can be good ? “Do you enjoy your job?” “What’s your relationship history like, have you done lots of dating” “How are you finding C site?” “Do you enjoy living in Y?”

Not just firing them like an interview, obviously give your answers as well, room for silences.

Comment on scenery/what’s around you? And yeh I know it’s boring but lockdown is interesting to discuss as we’re all experiencing it.

It’s really not just your responsibility to carry the convo as well - some people are just incredibly dull/closed/bad conversationalists themselves and end up expecting the other person to entertain them.

It’s not just your job to fill the gaps? If there’s an uncomfortable vibe you don’t have to be the one adjusting to make it less uncomfortable.

I went on a date with a very handsome guy the first one after my exams finished in the summer and conversation didn’t flow - but on reflection I was actually asking loads of questions, I think he was just fairly dull and expecting me to do all the heavy lifting

In my 20’s I went on a couple of dates with men who commented I was “quiet” which I slightly took to heart.

Looking back they were just being rude and aggressive, I certainly wasn’t being silent - they were not very good at conversation themselves and I think they wanted me (as a woman) to be running around mothering them and organising them and extending the date and yelling “let’s get this fun P.A.R.T.Y started” to make them feel more comfortable.

@Bunkbedpeople thanks that's really good advice - it's like i've forgotten how to be normal with all this

@LongtimelurkerL

I think everyone’s feeling weird now you’re in good company! Focus on whether he’s a good match for you and how he makes YOU feel as well.

Good luck with the meet - I’m definitely a bit of everyone getting out and about right now