Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@freelancedolly - one thought is that the first of everything after is the hardest to get through (tm Joe Biden). So it we’ll be weird for him but as others have said, if you keep it low key and let him get on with his processing of it all, it could be really nice day.

@Bunkbedpeople also just read what you wrote about that dating coach. I completely agree and have only just had this realisation about exactly WHY it's key to be able to end things early and at the right point with someone. I have learned this recently and it's been a revelation - having previously had the very naive perspective that most of the upset caused by the end of a relationship is based on how much you feel for that person and therefore how much you've lost - in fact so much of the pain is caused by the way you are actually treated in that break up and how much complete fiction that other person has spun to get you to fall for them. I nearly lost the plot recently when the last mini relationship I had (Mr Glasses let's call the fucker bloke) ended, but can now see that is because of the way he behaved and having essentially performed a massive con trick on me and NOT because of any intrinsic value the relationship had.

So the learning for me was to really look out for love bombing, for any anxiety that I might mistake for 'feeling overwhelmingly smitten' and absolutely key to listen to who that person is when they tell me and DON'T think I can change them or 'it'll be different with me!'.

@DudefromThatLondon - I could be that person - but I've been separated 7 years but am still embroiled in the (final final) court hearings. I'm quite wary of talking much about it with my iron and it doesn't affect my life much other than in that moment (i.e. in these few weeks leading up to court then hopefully it will be done). I would say it's much more about how she is emotionally and whether she's moved on emotionally from him, than in the fact those proceedings are going on in the first place, if that makes sense.

@DudefromThatLondon I'm a great one for meeting people who have baggage so I'd say see how things are in person and then make a call on whether it's worth taking on more. Ideally we would all like someone sorted in their lives though and I know that's what I'd want next time. Have fun!

@SortingItOut good to see you and glad things are working out with Mr K. Are you still able to see him through lockdown?

Oops sorry @TheCatWithTheHat wanted to say good luck with your date! Good yes to remember the rules - it's so exciting when you think to yourself damn damn this could be so good as it ticks alllll the boxes - but you also have that worry that you're getting ahead of yourself. I had that with MrR (we're early days still tho) as I reeeeally wanted to like him when we met - and for once neither of us were disappointed. It makes such a difference when both of you have used recent photos for a start - we'd also chatted on the phone a few times so I knew I liked his voice (a biggie for me ).

@Eesha
Luckily I am as he lives on his own and I am in his support bubble.

I'm lucky in that his or my neighbours dont care what i do so no reporting although we're doing nothing wrong.

I dont think I'd cope if i couldn't see him.

I must say that you have the patience of a saint not seeing your guy.

Can you see who is on hinge without being a member

@SortingItOut I do have the patience of a saint generally . I think we have been unlucky in that he had an accident so couldn't see each other for the last few weeks. It sometimes feels like we haven't been given a good chance to build on things. I'm hoping it will still work out and we have both said we want to keep seeing each other.

Thanks for all the good luck wishes for tomorrow! I'll be sure to pop back with an update :)

@DudefromThatLondon no cow pats around here - I'm in the same neck of the woods as your name suggests you are :D

I'm trying to not get ahead of myself - I've had enough dates to realise that it means nothing unless you click in real life too. But the initial signs are good, and no red flags at all which is a first I think. Plus my gut is staying quiet at the moment, which is also a good sign. We've even both said to each other that we're wondering what the catch is, as we seem to be a very good match so far.

As for dating profiles - it's so much easier to be able to start conversations if someone has a bit of info in their profile. Even if it's a line such as "enjoys live music" as you can open the conversation with a question about what their favourite band is, or the last gig they went to. People can be very picky though, so don't put too much in there unless you want to filter out specific people (e.g., if you're allergic to cats).

Actually yes my old profile had a bit of info in it now I remember.

It was an amazing opening conversation to the current guy who/ isnt with me. I dont fucking know

Actually I have ascreen shot of my old profile

Does anyone else get instant gut feelings about people? Ie I've been chatting to 2 men on tinder. One I feel quite relaxed about, the one I'm meeting tomorrow I feel a little on edge about.

Not sure if nerves. A couple of things he's said have made me question him and pull him up on it, not rude but a little presumptuous. I told him in no uncertain terms I'm not up for that conversation...it was only something slight he said not even really rude, maybe just flirting!

@bangheadhere40 Rule number 5 ^ :)

The more I've dated, the more I've realised my gut is usually right. If you're questioning it enough to post on here, then I'd suggest maybe it's bothering you more than you realise?

@bangheadhere40 always listen to your gut. It knows.

@TheCatWithTheHat fingers crossed that your date lives up to the chatting - it sounds promising.

I have to agree with the need for a profile. If they don't write anything, I swipe left no matter how handsome or local they are. And it has to be positive or neutral - reeling off what they don't want makes them sound bitter, twisted and angry. And it has to be more than "anything you want know, just ask"! I always reply to irons who comment on something I've written - I really appreciate the effort. The "hey there"s are just lazy.

Hmmm maybe...I do know how I've taken things out of context messaging though. I will meet him and see, can't quite put my finger on what it is that's bothering me though!

I've realised my tinder profile has nothing on it...just a photo. I always swipe based on pics....looks like the consensus is a bio is needed.

I always left swiped people with no bio.

Definitely put a bio. I always feel people are lazy when they don't include one and think their looks speak for themselves. Not sure if men feel the same.

I always did on pof but I thought tinder was more swipe on looks. I don't actually know what to write!

Asked the guy if he wanted a walk over the weekend and he said yes...

How does everyone manage to get dates so easily.

I feel really low about this guy. What is it about me.

Thanks for the new thread @Dancerinthemoonlight
Am missing 'level Dean' one for personal lols. Hope you are ok.

@SortingItOut sorry to hear of illness. Hope you are back to full health soon.

Date #7/sleepover #5 with Mr VW tomorrow. Hope it follows the same pattern as previous as seems to work and good fun getting drunk, eating food, dancing, etc etc.
It's been a very long week partly because I'm an intense obsessive and there's minimal contact between us and partly because of work overwhelm, lockdown, November etc etc.
Next weekend sees him coming to mine cor the first time when my kids finally do an overnight at their dads. I nearly had to bribe them with hard cash but it didn't come to that. That's a milestone I think as hard to know someone without seeing their home and how they live.

Good luck all it's dire times for dating. Very aware of how lucky I was to match with MrVW just weeks before lockdown2.

Hi all.
Been reading and following all the amazing advice. Some of you are do wise! @TheCatWithTheHat good luck for tomorrow I really hope it goes well.
I've been on these threads since December last year so know what you've been through.

Still with Mr P. 10.months in now. We are both wfh so I see him the 50% he doesn't have his kids. He said I was a part time house guest the other day
Anyway, he's lovely but for the first time I feel like a red flag popped up.
His ex wife cited that he had a temper in the divorce and she actually called the police on him because he apparently shoved her. He says he didn't and has been very honest about everything.
I've just finalized a non molestation order with my exdh for domestic abuse and P has been very supportive.
Till yesterday. I told him something and he disagreed with my plan of action and kind of loudly lectured me. His voice got very raised and he told me I was being irresponsible. We were in bed at the time so I got up and walked to the loo in tears. He called after me immediately apologising profusely. He then immediately launched into a tale about how he had a similar incident with his ex and it bought back memories etc. He apologised over and over but I can't get it out of my head.
I read somewhere how abusers will do something then launch into a tale of self pity so you let them get away with it.
Thats how it felt.
But
I also feel like my marriage with an actual toxic abuser has made me permanently on edge and looking out for things. I almost felt glad it had come out. Like I had been waiting for it.
How fucked up is that.
I'm so much more damaged then I thought

I also swipe left on no bio and as said before those who claim to be funny but don't use the bio to say something witty or amusing.

@Newuser991 I didn’t really believe men looked at bios either but I took @HairyArsedMan ‘s advice and rewrote mine and overnight attracted lots of men. I dated 3 and 18 months later I am still with one of them. I met Mr R on match but I think the apps vary according to where you live.

I loved hinge. I think someone mentioned it earlier. As well as a bio I tried to have pics where I was in my natural environments both out and in so someone who didn't necessarily read the bio could get a feel for who I am. I did much better with those than say a suite of selfies or no context shots.

Clovertoast so sorry to hear about that incident. I would have thought you can't be too careful with any red flags. And this is a red flag. If he's done it once... Be on your guard. Maybe it will never happen again. But if it happens again... Sending you strength and clarity 💐