Dating Thread 196 - Winter Wonderland Walks

[Dancerinthemoonlight]

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item

@Clovertoast I have been in an abusive relationship too and looking back there were a lot of little signs like that that I brushed off at the time. I think the good thing is that your instincts are telling you to be cautious. It could be that he is a lovely person who would not normally behave like that but the fact that he twisted it to make it all about poor him is another red flag for me. The thing is that nobody is perfect and everybody behaves badly at times. I think that you should tell him how you feel and see if he acts on it. If he takes what you say on board that is one thing but if he makes excuses then I would leave him. I would trust yourself on this as you sound like you have a good idea of what is right for you.

@TheCatWithTheHat I would definitely tell her you would have kissed her were it not for the lockdown rules. What have you got to lose? If she didn’t want to kiss you then she wouldn’t want another date. The chances are she is thinking the same.

I have been wondering if it is ok to kiss someone you are dating under all the rules. At what point does it become ok?

I am a single mum to a toddler and I have my him full time so the practical aspect of dating is much harder. I know that most people schedule their dates for when their kids are with their dad but I can’t do that. I am thinking of doing a daytime date when DS is at nursery. You probably can’t get a babysitter at the moment because of the rules.

@TheCatWithTheHat - I’d tell her. If she’s agreed to another date she’s probably keen. Can you go to a park with a good kissing spot?

@PumpkinWitch - think it’s ok to kiss if you’re in a bubble. I guess you’re not supposed to otherwise but I would if I was keen and they seemed sensible (ie they’d been sticking to guidelines).

@freelancedolly

We dated through August and it went well, then he was away end of the month

thought it was for four weeks but it seems to have been extended, so coming up to three months now !

It’s tough as although he’s been spot on with contact and I’ve got on with my own stuff, it’s at the stage where at a basic human level I’m feeling tetchy as obviously WhatsApp messages are not enough! I want a cuddle and some *

We didn’t go official before he left as it seemed too soon but we’ve mentioned moving to sexual exclusivity/dropping condoms etc.

I’m trying to be mindful of not being a martyr - the trouble is if I’m not genuinely happy waiting this long, then when he gets back I’m going to be “well, why aren’t you doing this for me because I WAITED for you” and that’s the road to relationship hell.

Argh. Just going to feel my feelings and review carefully.

@TheCatWithTheHat def tell her! I’d love to be told

@Bunkbedpeople that sounds tough. Three months when you were only expecting and planning for a few weeks must be quite a difficult thing to deal with

MrC messaged to say should know what’s happening within a week.

It’s a bit of a delicate balance as the company he works for is hugely struggling financially and lots of redundancies lined up (more so with cv) so he’s really keeping his head down and not be “the guy asking to be flown home sooner than the management wants because his new lady friend is moaning”

on the other hand, I’m a little bit mindful of not being responsible for someone else’s problems this early on in dating?

As much as I’m quite independent I do want to be actually physically dating right now rather than daydreaming about stuff to do.

@Bunkbedpeople - when MrC is back, how long will that be for, or is that an unknown?

@DudefromThatLondon

It’s offshore so could quite possibly be months free (no commitments at all).

So serious quality time could be on the cards?

He lives solo and I can walk to his flat (not very romantic but practical thinking) so I’m not just holding out for a single date or a meet, but we can (hopefully) hit the ground running when he returns.

They get a basic salary plus a day rate for days working away with very long shifts then the rest of year is 100% down time.

So “in principle” 100 days a year he’s away and the rest is free - though he needs to be flexible and “on call”.

The lifestyle really suits some people and couples and not others.

Even with this last leg he’s not done his 100 but with the recession and oil prices down there hasn’t been loads of work.

I think it’s harder as we’re at that “not sure where we’re at” dating stage

Contact has been good, but my worry is I’m pouring loads of time/energy into a fantasy interaction which won’t actually work when we’re back together.

But I can only deal with one week at a time.

Thanks for all the replies everyone - I did tell her exactly that, and didn't get much of a reaction other than smiley faces, but as well as arranging to meet for a second date, she's also talking about a potential "proper" third date once lockdown finishes in a couple of weeks. So I guess that's a good sign, although I still don't really know where I stand

It is so hard though dating in these times - I'm quite pragmatic in that I follow the rules the majority of the time, but am happy to bend them occasionally if the risk is low and they seem to be similarly sensible. I live alone, and work from home so can quite easily avoid other people if I've spent time with someone in an unofficial bubble.

Miss H and I definitely broke some of the rules through the year, but given my living situation and that she was being tested regularly, it seemed OK. And my view on this changed somewhat through the year when a guy who lived very close to me committed suicide (not sure if it was related to Covid though). It has made me realise that my mental health is important too, and that avoiding dating and contact with people would be quite damaging to me, so I've been weighing that up against the physical health risks.

I think it's good news Cat. A 'proper' date definitely involves kissing.

So the man with the excellent immune system has sent me another extremely long message - this is after I told him I found all his information overwhelming and a bit intense. My message had made him smile, apparently. And somehow spurred him on to bombard me with more information about him.

This time I'm learning that he loves red licorice and his favorite flowers are carnations. Also that I'll probably spend the rest of my life with him if things work out between us.

😐

Also that I'll probably spend the rest of my life with him if things work out between us.

Well. Obviously.

The reminds me of when a friend and I were trying to name all the countries in Africa and he said "what's that one north of South Africa" and I said "they're all north of South Africa".

@WeWantTheFinestWines how creepy and weird....!

Men of the thread - how do women know if you’re friend zoning them or brushing them off after a date? Would you reply instantly to her text being chatty but not ask for a second date?

I would say just say one way or another @LongtimelurkerL but I do like to have more than a couple of dates and don’t jump to conclusions. Continued responsive chat is good, I would say. Could it be he’s waiting for or not reading the interest from you ?

There’s a popular belief amongst both men and women in dating that you can’t make it too easy for the other person or they won’t value you ... maybe that’s what’s going on here ? (I don’t subscribe to that belief)

Thanks @HairyArsedMan ‘history’ is that we know each other a bit from ages ago (like over ten years) and then ‘matched’ on a dating app. So I’m not sure if he just wants a friend (in the same work role) to talk to or wants to date?? I suggested the first date so not sure if I should suggest another or just continue the general chat and see what he says

Hi All

Long time lurker. Need some advice please. I have been single for a year now and been on a number of dates from OLD. However a few weeks back I had to have some work done and asked someone who has previously done lots of work for me to quote. He came, the quote took a few minutes and we sat chatting for hours. I've known for about 15 years and we have always got on really well but, until now, we never been single at the same time. Anyway the flirting started after that by text and he asked if I would bubble up with him - we are 2 single adult households. We met a few times for several hours and last Saturday I stayed over at his - great night, lots of laughter - since then nothing - I've been a prat haven't I?

@GlassHalfFull1 not necessarily. It's only Monday. If you saw him on Saturday that's not long.

Newuser991 I sent him a text after a few hours yesterday - very light - just 'enjoy the footie' and since then nothing - at best I think no reply is disrespectful!

Ummm still never know. You have known each other 15 years.

I would imagine you would hear from him again. What was the nature of your friendship before this?

What do you want from him?

@GlassHalfFull1 why are you calling yourself a twat here? You’ve done nothing twattish at all by my reading. I do agree that it’s disrespectful of him not to reply. Which makes him the twat I reckon.

@GlassHalfFull1 That would annoy me, if no reply

@LongtimelurkerL I guess he could feel things are similarly 'in-between' friendship and dating. However the fact is that you both matched each other on a dating app. Did you say let's go out on a date for the first date ? Or was it 'would you like to grab a drink and catch up?'.

Newuser1999 He always had long chats after when he has worked at my house, and we would run into each other locally - again, very friendly. His marriage broke up whilst he was at mine years ago, and I suppose I was a shoulder to cry on. I have always liked him but never saw anything romantic in our friendship. When he came to give me the quote we both found out how old we were - I am 10 years older than him and as he left he said you look amazing for your age - after a few days he sent a message saying he couldn't stop thinking about me, and it went from there really. Perhaps it was a Mrs Robinson moment!!

@GlassHalfFull1 fully agree with the others that if he doesn't reply then that's just rude. If he doesn't want to progress beyond friendship then that's 'fine' but rude not to reply to a friend as well.

@HairyArsedMan he gave me his number so we could whatsapp after the first eve of chatting on the app, bit more chat and then I asked what he was up to that weekend. He replied and then I said 'well if you fancy a walk let me know' - he said that that sounded nice. I haven't mentioned the word date no, but we chatted about dating apps etc on the date.

@GlassHalfFull1, his silence (so far) is uncalled for, particularly if your text was just a generic' enjoy your day' . He may be taking time to assimilate his feelings after taking things to another level. He may just have been after a shag or feeling awkward now that things have moved in a different direction. Only he knows the answers. If he remains silent then that in itself is a message and tells you everything that you need to know about him. None of us know when starting something how it may develop and maybe you are the one feeling unsettled because his actions now don't match how he was before Saturday.